Survivor Satire

The Toilet Paper

I was taking a second grade class on a bathroom break.  A bathroom break to a second grader is the same as a smoke break for an adult.  It's a chance to get away from work.  It was a stressful day, and the class was out of control.  You know, kids arguing about who is allowed and not allowed in their secret club, kids jumping around in their seats like they they have acid ass from the dozen Atomic Wings they ate the previous night, and the ever-popular-non-stop stream of kids trying to sharpen pencils that are already sharp, for no other reason than to have the sharpest point physically possible.  I was standing in the hallway, while directing traffic, a girl came up to me with her classmate and said, “I’ve got some toilet paper stuck in my crack.”  I asked, “Why are you telling me?”  She said, “Because it hurts!”  I told her to go back in the bathroom and take it out.  Her friend asked if she could help.  Fifteen years later, I found out they are both lesbians.  I’m just kidding.  It’s only been ten years.

The Brownie

I was teaching Math one day when all the girls happened to be wearing their Brownie outfits.  You know Brownies, they’re the girls that sell all the yummy Trefoils and Thin Mints.  Anyway, the class was quietly working on their Math when I noticed all the brown outfits.  I said, “Seeing so many Brownies in here makes me hungry.  I sure could eat a brownie.”  A girl raised her hand and said, “You can eat me.”  Before I could stop the barrage of eager volunteers, the rest of the girls chimed in, “EAT ME!, EAT ME!”  Luckily, the Judge released me on my own recognizance, and my therapist says I should be able to eat brownies soon.

The Noise

One day, I was hanging student artwork for display while the class was sitting on the carpet watching a video.  I had started the video because I needed to get some overdue bills paid.  I’m just kidding, they weren’t overdue.  In all seriousness, I started the video because I was just too tired to teach.  I had stayed up late the previous night to watch the Steelers play on Monday Night Football.  Actually, it wasn’t the Steelers.  It was some other team with black and gold uniforms, or black and orange, or maybe even green and white.  It doesn’t really matter because it wasn’t even Monday night.  It was a Thursday night college game.  To be honest, it wasn’t even football.  I was watching Judge Judy Marathon.  Even though I stayed up late to watch it, I wasn’t even tired.  I just liked playing videos because…well, because I have a lot of them, and I want to get my money’s worth out of them.  So anyway, back to the story.  The second graders were on the floor watching the 1986 World Chess Championships and I was moving down the clothesline hanging artwork with my back to the class.  As I moved down the line, there was some noise, and it just started getting louder and louder.  I turned my head toward the kids and demanded, “WHO IS MAKING ALL THE NOISE?!?”   A girl looked up at me and said, “You’re standing on my hand!”  I learned my lesson.  It was the last time I wore my high heels.