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I did something that I thought I would never do…watch the Oscars. It’s not because of their left wing politics or their liberal agendas. It just happens that it’s always on the same night as The Captain and Tennille Tribute Show. Talk about a talented duo. I wouldn’t miss that for anything. The Oscars lasted around three and a half hours, but it seemed like three and a half weeks. Jon Stewart hosted, and I thought he did a great job. He avoided politics, for the most part, and made fun of Hollywood. One of my favorite lines was when he said the place was full of Hollywood stars, but nobody was asking for donations to the Democratic Party.
In honor of the Oscars, I have decided to rent Brokeback Mountain. Yuck! It was nominated for eight awards. It won three for Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Director, and Best Gay Movie. It beat out Capote and TransAmerica for that one. In Jon Stewart’s opening monologue, he talked about Brokeback Mountain, and they showed clips of other cowboy movies that showed homosexuality. There are no others of course, but the clips made it look that way. It was funny, especially the cowboy patting the horse’s rear end.
There were so many goofy categories. It made me realize that there isn’t anybody in Hollywood that doesn’t have an Oscar. People probably sell them at garage sales. Here are some of the many lame categories: Live Action Short, Animated Short Film-this is for the lazy cartoonist. Make-up, come on. An academy award for make-up? Why not Best Hair Styling or Best Coordinator of Shoes and a Purse? Another category was Best Science and Technology, also known as the Nerd Award. Documentary Short Topics and Documentary Feature were two categories that just kept me glued to my chair with a noose in one hand and a pistol in the other. Sound Editing and Sound Mixing sound like the same thing to me, but to the Academy, apparently two awards are necessary. As long as we’re honoring editors, they had better have an award for Best Film Editing. I don’t see what’s so great about this category. If someone trips, edit it out. If someone sneezes and snot flies across the room, edit it out. A new category could be Best Collection of Outtakes. Sometimes, outtakes are the only thing that saves a movie. The last of the lame Oscars goes to The Honorary Oscar. God Bless them, they actually found someone that didn’t have an Oscar already. This means that he had been nominated many times, but never won, so he’s a big loser and Hollywood wants to honor him. The Buffalo Bills lost four Super Bowls. Maybe the N.F.L should give them the Vince Lombardi trophy and call them the Honorary Super Bowl Champs.
I have a new award; Best Commercial During the Oscars. It would be the guy that works with the monkeys and wants a new job. He was using a laser pointer during a presentation and the monkeys were pointing all their lasers on his private areas. He also said, “Buying lottery tickets is not a good business plan.” I have three more categories that I hope the Academy will consider. They are: Best Supporting Victoria Secret Bra, Best Caterer for a Feature Film, and Best Portable John Company for a Film on a Remote Set. Do you think Hollywood stars go the bathroom or pay their assistants to go for them?
Three movies received an Oscar for Best Picture, but the Academy put them in three different categories. They are Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Motion Picture. I really don’t care if a movie was originally a book because I don’t read anything anyway. It takes too long. Actually, I do read. Calvin and Hobbes are great. To me, these three categories are a way of giving more awards so that everyone can feel good about themselves, much like everyone gets a trophy in Little League, even if your team sucks. I don’t understand how you can have an Academy Award for Best Art Direction and not have Oscars for Best Comedy. There should be a category called Best Movie that People Actually Go and See It would be movies like Star Wars – Revenge of the Sith, Harry Potter, and The Chronicles of Narnia. These are the three biggest grossing films of the year. You know there is something wrong with Hollywood when the Oscar for Best Original Song is called, It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp, and one of the winners thanks Jesus. I guess Jesus looks out for the pimps, or maybe not. I’m not sure.
I yelled, “Yes!” when Crash won for best picture and not Brokeback Mountain. They both won three and so did King Kong. Capote won Best Actor, I think. It was a year Hollywood wanted to honor homosexuality and a horny monkey. Three movies I will never watch are Brokeback Mountain, Capote, and any film nominated for Best Foreign Film. Actually, I will never watch about 90% of the films nominated, and I’m a movie junkie. That’s just how out of touch Hollywood is. George Clooney said he was proud to be out of touch. When his kids say he’s out of touch, I wonder if he has that same pride.
I know there are weeks and weeks of reviewing the clothing and the red carpet nonsense, so I’ll give a few of my comments. Salma Hayek is hot no matter what she wears, and so is Jessica Alba. Reese Witherspoon is as cute as you can be. She also gave the only inspiring acceptance speech. I actually cried. No, I didn’t cry, but I would have if someone would have given me 78 onions to chop. I wrote 78 because it was the 78th Academy Awards. Charlize Theron had a bow on her dress that looked like she had gone over to her neighbor’s car and stole the Christmas bow right off the top of the car. The best outfit of the night was Ben Stiller wearing a green suit so that he thought he was invisible, even though he wasn’t. He’s very funny. Go rent There’s Something About Mary, Meet the Parents, and Meet the Focker’s if you don’t believe me.
Some final thoughts include this: How can Wallace and Gromit win an Oscar for best-animated film and Madagascar not even be nominated? Lauren Bacall couldn’t walk or read the teleprompter, so I suspect she was drunk. She was probably nervous, so her friends told her to have a few drinks before she did her thing. Good call! I knew a guy in college that was nervous about a test. Someone told him to get high before the test so he wouldn’t be nervous. Afterwards, I asked him how he felt. He said great. He wasn’t nervous at all. A week later he got an “F” on the test. Good Call! Was there any guy that had his bowtie on straight? And finally, is Dolly Parton the first person in history to get breast implants?
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