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Lex got what he deserved. Mistake #1 Trusting anyone from Boston. Ie, John Kerry. Mistake #2 Listening to a woman (Kathy) about whom to vote off (Jerri) rather than voting off Amber. Mistake #3 Not sticking to his game plan. I’m sure part of his plan was to have as many Chapera at the merge as possible.
The Tylenol “Push Through the Pain” winner from the week before was Rob. He got this for the pain of being separated from his chick. That wasn’t pain, it was a vacation. He’s young, he’ll learn. Then I saw Amber brushing her teeth. It was so erotic; it made me realize why Rob missed her so much. Tom offered his insight into Rob’s pain by saying, “He’s jlshe alkeh ekahe calf sdk ae sdl titti.” Upon further review, he said something about Rob being a young calf being weaned off his mama’s titti. I was able to translate by using my Farmer Boy-English, English-Farmer Boy dictionary. Later in the show he took a wooden stick and started doing what looked like a striptease dance with it. I’m not sure what it was supposed to look like because I’ve only heard about these events.
I thought the scenery at the beginning of the show looked like the set of a movie or a Disney World ride. At the reward challenge we all learned something new. Jeff yelled, “Get the pot and get back here!” Who would have known that Jeff is a stoner. Remember Jeff: Puff, puff, pass. After Rupert won the reward challenge, he said his kid will think he’s the world’s toughest dad. He took Amber and Jenna on the reward, so now his kid will think he’s a womanizer. He then said that he wants to wear the skirt around home. At this point, the kid will think their dad is a tough, cross-dressing, adulterer. If they grow up and have problems, you know watching Survivor is going to be mentioned in the therapy sessions.
Now that the tribes have merged, Rob might have the best chance of winning individual immunity. I can only hope the ghosts of Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle will keep him from winning anything. The season Finale of Apprentice is this week. I hope it’s good.
Boo, hoo, hoo. Sorry, I’m still overwhelmed from last night’s emotional letter and video from home show. Let me try and compose myself. OK. I’m alright now. After Amber’s video clip, she said that her family was worried about her. That’s true because they didn’t know where she was and reported her missing. I saw her picture on a milk cartoon. Jenna’s clip had her two daughters and her “friend.” I don’t know what to make of this. No husband? Artificially inseminated? So many questions. Maybe her daughters were adopted. Speaking of adoption, I’m not sure, but I think Alicia was adopted. There’s nothing wrong with adoption because I do “Adopt a Highway” every year. Shii Ann’s video started with her cat, so I thought her parents were getting ready to cook dinner. You might think I’m kidding about this, but her mom was pretending to speak for the cat and said, “Save me from this crazy family.” Tom’s son Bucky Bo spoke, if you want to call it that. He’s one apple that didn’t fall far from the tree. In fact, if his brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate. Yesterday taxes were due, I had to use that one. Tom’s wife was sitting on a lawn mower, which I used as proof to my wife that women do mow yards. I figure if I can get her to mow the grass, I’ll have time for an additional round of golf every week.
Rob’s brother started the video with, “Hey Rob, This is your brother Mike.” I’m glad he clearly identified himself to Rob to avoid any confusion about who he was. Rob said how tight he was with his family. Therefore, either Rob is full of crap and never sees his brother, or his brother is just an idiot. That would be like going to the drive through window and saying, “Hi, I’m in the blue car. I would like the #3 combo meal.” They know who you are. Just talk. Rob said he didn’t remember the last time or if he was ever that emotional. How about a few days ago when Amber went to the other tribe, or a couple days later when she returned? He must not have a short term memory. Rob then gives up seeing his brother’s full video so that everyone could have their letter. He just didn’t want anyone to see his dysfunctional brother make an ass of himself. In regards to letting everyone read their letters, he said, “It wasn’t about strategy, yes it was about strategy.” So what is it? I hate to keep bringing this up, but that’s the same as John Kerry saying, “Before I voted against financing the war, I actually voted for financing the war.” Do you see how people from Boston twist everything?
They had a great obstacle course. Alicia and Rupert had to pick teams. They didn’t show it, but Rupert had to have picked Kathy or Tom before Amber and Shii Ann. Let me remind you, this was for an obstacle course. You know, quick and agile. He had just read “The Tortoise and the Hare” to his daughter before he left, so he was thinking ‘slow and steady wins the race.” BAD CHOICE!
At tribal council, Lex came in with a Mohawk. He was carrying a sign that said, “Hey, look at me. I’m a freak.” Remember that this is the guy worried about looking weird. The last time I saw anyone with a Mohawk was Mr. T in the early 1980’s on the show A-Team. He must have intimidated Rob because Rob started pleading his case to him all over again. Kathy is gone, and my pick might be next unless Shii Ann can do some realigning. Don’t count on it.
Hooray for Shii Ann!! Just when I thought my girl was out, she won immunity and three more days in the game. That will be it because she’s the blind squirrel that found a nut but gets run over by a car while crossing the road. She was standing on a stump with her hand in the air for 2 hours and 15 minutes. People complain about sitting in a chair at the theater if a movie last for more than two hours. I think it was Jenna that only lasted four minutes. She was either sure of herself not being voted off, or she doesn’t like long movies. I didn’t like Alicia lecturing Shii Ann about her exuberant celebration, and telling her not to be cocky, so I’m glad she got blindsided and voted off the island. She was obviously bitter about being voted least deserving to be an All-Star, and having the greatest false impression of her own intelligence. Those must have hurt. Amber was voted most likely to use her sex appeal, Jenna was voted as the person who talks the most, and Tom was voted as the person most likely to eat road kill. At one point it was raining and Alicia said, “We can’t fish in the rain.” Why? Will they get wet? That’s like saying you can’t “do it” in the dark.
During the reward challenge Amber had a choice between eliminating Rupert or Rob. Her decision eliminated Rob, and they didn’t show his reaction to that. I don’t know if she misunderstood the situation, or if she was having a lover’s quarrel. It did force Rupert to be the bad guy and reveal his pecking order, but I don’t think she thought about that. Rupert got to pick the dinners for all seven people left. The dinners went from a steak dinner to a bowl of rice. Rupert chose the steak dinner and Shii Ann got stuck with the rice. Interesting: big fat American gets the steak dinner, and the little Chinese girl gets the rice. Tom was addressing the restaurant situation and said, “We went to the fanciest restaurant, but I wouldn’t hit a dog in the hind end with it cause I got a tater, and it was cold.” When you read a Tom quote, make sure you talk like a hillbilly. It makes it more fun. Tom was acting silly with a large mask, and Rob called him a dumb ass. I have to agree, but there’s more than one on that island.
At council, Rob said was saying goodbye to Alicia after he wrote her name. He finally said, “As we say in Boston, ‘See you later.’” I heard a kid say that the other day at the mall. Maybe it’s possible that clever little ways of saying goodbye are slowly creeping out of Boston. I wonder if they came up with, “Have a nice day.” After talking to the Survivors, Jeff said, “On that note, it’s time to vote.” I can rhyme too. Kathy is in Panama, She goes to council without a bra. They start to jiggle here and there, and then last night I had a nightmare.
Shiit Ann!! My girl is gone. I guess it is no surprise that the car hit my squirrel. It’s not like the writing wasn’t on the Great Wall of China. My only surprise was Shii Devil’s mom going out second in the Fast Food Contest. She should have been conditioned from growing up in the old country to eating anything that could fit in a wok. Most of the food last night should have been considered seasonings. Amber’s mom did the honorable thing of finishing her fish head after she had already lost. If I had lost, I would have spit it out. What am I saying? I would have never lost. Then you have Jenna’s brother Jie, Jigh, or is it Ji? Oh hell, I don’t know how to spell his goofy name. He was busted for cheating and claimed that nobody said he couldn’t drink the water. That’s like John Kerry claiming this week that the six SUV’s in his driveway are not his. He said they belong to his wife and kids. Jeff said to show an empty mouth, then after getting the OK, they could drink the water. Can you imagine how confused he would be if you had to explain to Jenna’s brother all the steps in making toast? The FCC had the producers cut footage of Rupert and Laura molesting each other. Seriously, I think Laura needs to invest in some batteries and a friendly little toy to get her by when Rupert is off playing Survivor. You know he’ll be back for Survivor-Old Drunk Guys. Now that would be a show worth watching. You would have Rupert, Big Tom, Rudy, and Sue Hawk all competing for a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Was there any doubt that Bucky Bo would win the Fast Food contest? This is the kind of family that puts six mice on a skewer and calls it shish-ka-mouse. When he walked towards his dad, it looked like he was walking on hot coals. His tattoo looks like a railroad track. I have a tattoo of a section of Route 8 where it bottlenecks in Etna. It’s really nice.
There are so many Tom and Billy Goat, I mean Bucky Bo quotes that I don’t know where to begin. I had to rewind some of them a half dozen times, and I still couldn’t decipher their form of communication. Apes have developed language skills better than these two. When I watch Animal Planet, I know when one ape wants another ape to back off because nobody is going to get a piece of his woman. With this dynamic duo, who knows? After devouring the giant live grub, Bucky said, “You go this far, you might as well jor doekr alkt. I think that’s what he said.
When Rob, his brother Mike, and the hillbillies got drunk for the reward, there’s no way they could have understood each other. The most frequently used word that night was, “What?” Tom said, “I never drank beer with my son. I wish it was his Mom or my neighbor’s sister.” When he goes back home to his cabin, he might have to do some ‘splainin for that slip of the tongue. My favorite Tom quote was when he was asked if he would give up his immunity. He said, “That’s the ignorast thing for me to sit here tonight. I ain’t not no not no offense, but I don’t want to give it up.” I teach children about double negatives. This isn’t a double, triple, quadruple, or even quintuple negative. It’s a hexnipple negative. There aren’t any rules about these, so I would have to say that it’s perfectly good English.
Tom might be smarter than his dialect suggests. He had some witty comments about the people back at tribe. He said that Rupert was probably kissing his harpoon, and Shii Ann was making an alliance with a bush because she had tried everyone else. Maybe I’m giving him to much credit.
There might only be a couple shows left, so be prepared to watch the final episode at my place. Does anyone know the finale’s date?
Jenna is hot!! Amber is trying out for the “I love Rob” Trailer Trash Softball Team, and Rob looks like he ate a whale. The Pirates, Steelers, and Penguins can’t win, but put a Pittsburgher in Survivor, and they’ll bring home a championship. I think we have the makings of a dynasty. We have two champions in the last two years, and if I get on the show, it’ll be a three-peat.
Jenna said she couldn’t believe that she was in the final four of the best 18 Survivors to ever play the game. This misnomer is driving me nuts. Sue Hawk? Rudy? Right there are two guys that are not in the top 50 best contestants. Calling some of these Survivor All-Stars is like calling Joe Torre a great baseball manager. Some Mom who coaches her daughter’s little league team could manage the Yankees to 100 wins. Would she be considered a great coach? I doubt it.
Rupert was talking to Jenna about his decision making process. He said, “My emotions control what I do.” This was taken from Chapter 1, Paragraph 1, Sentence 1 of the “How to be a Woman” handbook. When Big Tom got voted out he came back with the jury looking like a hillbilly looking for revenge on the guy who dishonored his sister/mother. Usually they clean themselves up and look better, but he took a turn for the worse. I wore overalls as a kid because I worked on a farm, not because of a fashion statement.
At the final immunity challenge Jenna lifted her foot a half inch off the post and Jenna accidentally put her hand on the idol. Wow, Rob really earned that victory! Amber said, “There’s no one left but you and me.” Rob said, “Speaking of which…” Snap, zip. They weren’t completely alone. They still had the two camera guys looking for a cheap thrill. Zip, snap! Foiled again.
There are several reasons why Rob and Amber might have problems in their relationship. 1. They began under duress. This is like a hostage falling in love with their captor. 2. They didn’t trust each other enough to end the immunity challenge. 3. I think Rob might have tricked Amber into touching the statue. 4. He was telling her to clean up her attitude before they even got engaged. I didn’t tell my wife to clean up her attitude until we got married. I don’t think I’ve said it since.
At the final tribal council Rob obviously picked Amber, and Jenna became the final juror. Here’s a quick thought for each juror’s moment on the soapbox.
Lex: He needs a pacifier. “Money won’t be enough to buy back lost friendships.” It will be enough to get a decent hair cut. Cathy: “Are you going to dump Rob?” “Duh, I was thinkin’ about it. Gee whillikers, I don’t know. Will I look bad if I say yes?” That’s like a job application asking an applicant if they will steal from the company. Shii Ann: I don’t know if I would give her the car for being a “swing vote.” There were three others that also voted for Amber. Why aren’t they swing votes? Alicia: I knew there would be a sassy, finger-waving, hand-on-the-hip speech coming when it was her turn. Big Tom: “I got goats on the farm. When they get to runnin’ a nanny, I castrate them.” I once again had to refer to my English-Farmer Boy, Farmer Boy-English dictionary to understand him. It actually has two meanings. The first one means that if his goats start running towards grandma, he’s going to chop off their balls. The second meaning is more slang in nature. It means that he has crabs in his pubic hair and if they start running towards his butt, he shampoos them. Jenna: She asked what they would do with their money. Apparently Amber live next to a Muscular Dystrophy Summer Camp because she said she has many friends both older and younger than her that have M.D. What are the chances that one person could have so many friends afflicted with such a terrible disease? I have a lot of friends afflicted with stupidity, but it’s my fault for hanging out with them. Rupert: He asked Amber what her main strategy was. She said, “To take things day by day. To share food unfairly, to make you more weary, to win the millionairy. These three things I pray. Day by day by day. That song is from Godspell.
Well, I think I wrote enough. Once again, I’ve enjoyed writing for everyone’s enjoyment. I would like to expand these blurbs to include The Apprentice. We’ll see. I’m going to reapply to be on Survivor, so I’ll see how that goes. I’m not sure if I’ll be writing anything after Thursday’s show. Who am I kidding? I’m sure I’ll have something to say. Go Rupert!
If Jerri didn’t get on my nerves enough before, she’s proving her value in the nails-on-chalkboard arena. When she whines about her hurt feelings, and people not understanding their pain, I think of a professional baseball player whining on ESPN because his team won’t renegotiate his 15 million dollar contract. ENOUGH! Rob Cesternino started talking, and I regretted voting for him because he sounded like an idiot. Richard Hatch said on Sunday that he met a guy working at the hotel where they were staying. Isn’t love grand? Jenna is trying so hard to convince herself and the world that she’s not skanky by telling how she doesn’t regret taking off her clothes for peanut butter. I once took off my clothes for Truth or Dare, so she has me convinced. She got on the cover of Playboy for her effort. All I got was laughed at. Johnny Fairplay is one of the all-time losers. He is the Chief Loser at the World Council of Losers. He is Sir Loserlot of King Arthur’s Court, and he is the Ayatollah of Loserollah. He lives in a world in which he thinks he’s funny. He’s not.
The four finalists for the million were Pretty Boy, Hayseed, Grizzly Adams, and Clam Chowder. That’s Colby, Big Tom, Rupert, and Boston Rob for those of you who don’t actually watch enough of the show. It comes as no surprise that a girl wasn’t chosen in the final four. The winner was based on who deserved it most. Of course it would be a guy. Rupert won the million, and it’s a good thing. He maxed out his credit card on tie dye shirts and didn’t have the money to cover the minimum monthly payment. Rupert’s daughter was more excited about Colby being named sexiest male Survivor than her dad winning a million. My wife said he deserved it because he was on two shows back to back. She doesn’t understand the intrinsic reward of being away from home for two shows in a row. It bothers me a little that the guy who lost twice still gets the cash. My softball team won a championship last year because the other team forfeited. If I don’t earn it, I don’t want it. You know what? A plastic trophy is a little different than a million bucks. Maybe I would find a way to graciously accept the cash. Yeah, I think I could. They didn’t show it, but right after Rupert won the million, Boston Rob proposed to him.
Jeff had the best lines last night. He was getting tired of the Survivors whining about their contractual agreements, so he told them that they were fulfilled. If they don’t want to be here, leave. He told Rob C. that Rob now has a much cuter girlfriend than before Survivor. The best line was when he told Johnny Fairplay, “Good luck getting into the after party.”
Well that’s all folks. Have a great summer, and for all our friends reading this in Australia, G’day, and have a great winter.
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