Survivor Satire

I’m sure everyone thinks they picked a winner, but you didn’t!  From Lisa’s number 11 pick down you don’t have a chance.  Jenna will be sent back to the Burgh, tiara and all.  Ryan will go next because he’s another model.  Matthew is a restaurant designer.  Is this a real job?  He has traveled all over the world only because he’s looking for work.  Dave is a rocket scientist.  I don’t know about you, but when I was young, every stupid person I knew was called a rocket scientist.  He was probably called that so many times, he thought it was his job.  For the last couple of years he’s been working on those rockets that you fill with water and pump to build pressure.  Deena won’t win for three reasons.  She doesn’t understand the water spigot pressure theory behind water balloons. The second reason is because she is Dave’s water rocket consultant.  And third, she is Barb’s girl, and Barb isn’t winning twice in a row!  Heidi seems alright being a Phys. Ed. Teacher, but she won’t win because Lisa B. made fun of me for offering to bring my Survivor video.  Joanna won’t win because she’s a Christian and Lori R. is the devil.  Janet won’t win because she’s an abstinence counselor, and who would want her around?  I can’t believe Gail used the eighth pick to get a 47 year old lady that tells people not to enjoy life too much.  Shawna is a good pick for Michelle, but she won’t win because I didn’t pick her damn it!  Jeane is out because she already won a $25,000 shopping spree.  How can you let information like that out?  And Julie, didn’t you read her bio?  Another wasted pick, this one was in the number six slot.  Roger is an estimator.  I like the sound of that career.  He’s never wrong about anything.  If anyone questions him, he just says, “Hey, it was an estimate!”  I estimate he’ll be the first or second guy off the show.  Christy is a tough one because she is definitely out to prove herself.  You thought I was going to write, “she is deaf” didn’t you?  Daniel looks like a threat, his luxury item is magnetic rings, who knows what for, and he is a tax accountant, which means he is a nerd.  Alex is a recovering alcoholic, which means the first time they see alcohol, he’ll be on that bottle faster than Michelle W. puts down a six pack of Schlitz Malt liquor.  The number one pick goes to Amy and Bob W., and who do they pick?  A principal?  Who are you two kissing up to?  If that’s not good English, tell your principal buddy.  And now for the winner:  It will be Rob for three reasons.  He has a Magic 8 Ball, which is pretty clever, he was a steal with the number ten pick, and he says that most people think he’s a nice guy.  When you’re a cunning A-hole, this works to your advantage.  Believe me, I know.

When I saw how inept the girls were, I knew they would win the first immunity.  And when Barb dropped the bottle of wine last night at Julie’s party I knew she was already drunk.  I think Ryan said, “We’re so much more adept.”  He used the word incorrectly, and he will have to adapt to being off the show.  He also said that he had a guaranteed game plan to win, but the battle of the sexes killed it.  Boy did it ever!  I guess he didn’t adapt his adept game plan making him quite inept.  Moving on to Daniel, or from this point on, he’ll be known as the Balance Beam Bozo.  “We’re never going to tribal council!”  I wonder if he was still thinking that when he was grinding himself along the log after the fourth time he fell.  It’s too bad there aren’t any balance beams in the weight room.  I know Rob was my pick, so I hate to write this, but he has nice tits.  His luxury item should have been a mansiere.  He does speak his mind, he lies, and he plays both sides of the alliance fence.  Will he go far?  I doubt it, but he’ll sure trash the women along the way.  As a tribe the Tambaqui in 3 days built the nicest home in all of South America. They had fire in 5 or 6 minutes, unlike the Jaburu that took 5 or 6 hours, and that was after they put a team of 4 people on it.  The other half of Jaburu had four logs cut.  That’s one log every three hours. That’s not good.  Other highlights of the Jaburu include burning their food and washing their buffs.  Yes their buffs, not their shirts, or shorts, or even their underwear.  Their buffs!  They did catch a fish however.  After they divided it 8 ways, two members dropped their piece on the ground, four people had a scrumptious 1.5 calorie feast, the same as a Tic Tac, and three members got their morsel stuck in their teeth, never having a chance to enjoy the nutritional value of the minnow.  You know this group was in trouble when they couldn’t untie their boat and it took a half day to paddle downstream to their camp.  By the way, Joanna should keep better track of those paddles.  They’re going to need them.  I thought it was funny that for their shelter they were only able to prop three pieces of wood against each other.  I think these people are going to go next.  For the girls: Janet, “I’ve been here 24 hours, and I can’t do this anymore” and Christy.  I thought it was wrong to leave the only deaf girl by herself at the fire. How are they going to call her if they need help?  For the guys Roger seems likely and the Balance Beam Bozo.  I did call Ryan to be the first guy off the show.

Roger is homophobic, so you know this doesn’t sit well with Matthew considering how much he likes his all male tribe placement.  We’ll have to see how this all plays.  Next to go for the girls: Christy and for the boys: Roger or Daniel.  Janet is gone and Gail is out her ten bucks.  That was a great number 8 pick.  Loser!

            Daniel thinks he got booted because he’s Chinese.  Yeah, probably, but I don’t think his lack of balance or his conditioner question helped him either.  Next week I expect to see Christy for the girls.  Not because she’s deaf, or because they don’t like her, but because she’s got some nasty armpit hair.  Give that girl a razor!  Yuck, ooh, yikes, blah, errrr, oh my, gad zooks!  Is she French?  I’m glad I went to bed with thoughts other than that.

I thought last night’s show was great for many reasons.  I knew with even numbers it was a great time for a tribal switch, but the way they did it was clever.  Not if we didn’t already know it, but Jenna and Heidi have both been exposed for who they are.  Jenna exposed everything from tribal strategies to her favorite sexual position… I imagine.  She also got to the bed and breakfast just before Dave, so I think she must have started paddling three hours earlier.  Heidi is a nitwit.  Actually she’s an egocentric nitwit.  I’m going to replicate in words her thought process.  Here we go:  “Hooray for girls.  Let’s vote together.  Hi Dave.  Do you want me to vote for Jeanne.  OK.  My oh my, I’m so important.  I’m the key factor in the voting process.  So many things are going through my mind.  What am I going to do about all these zits?  I wonder if people know I had breast enlargements done.  How do you spell Jeanne?  I don’t know.  I’ll just spell it Gene because I’m missing a gene or two in my brain.”  Does that sound like her?  I thought it was funny when Jeanne, Heidi, and Christy were drawing sticks, and Jeanne said, “Do you think the guys are doing the same thing?”  I burst out laughing.  I didn’t think so.  The guys strategy was to find the weakest link and attack.  They found her!  The pecking order is now Christy then Heidi.  Good job Heidi.  Your fate is almost certainly sealed.  Jeanne also said she was excited about the change.  I love when things that come back to bite them in the ass, only because this happens to me with some regularity.  Some people believe in the healing power of humor.  Others believe in meditation, prayer, or exercise.  I’ve never seen the healing power of a p-n-s like I did last night for Shawna.  Well, maybe I have.  I used to be known as “The Medic.”  Alex got cut and Matthew said they need some Iodine.  I wonder if anyone happened to bring some as their luxury item.  He said, “I’m surprised this didn’t happen earlier.  People are not that experienced with a machete.”  And you are?  What a schmuck!  Why is everyone starving when the camera people find good animals with every shot?  Did you see the insects crawling on the one girl’s teeth?  They had a nutritious meal of plaque.  If she would have closed her mouth, she would have had breakfast.  I think Tambaqui has the better women, even though they can’t spell mosquito, and Jaburu has the better men.

The show was interesting last night.  I thought the meat munching was gross.  I would have been doing the old “One for the team, one for me.  One for the team, two for me.”  At least when time was out, why didn’t they try to gobble down some meat?  When Butch had some meat caught Heidi tried to get it out, but Ol’ Butch tried to slip her some tongue.  Then Deena got hit with the bone.  I’m sure she’s not the first to be hit with a bone in this group, especially in the Love Shack.  As far as the other challenge, there are a few notable things:  What kind of stupid shoes was Jenna wearing?  No wonder why you lost twice including the tie breaker to her nemesis and adversary.  Christy wanted to beat her badly.  I’m glad she did.  Shawna won both times but that didn’t save her butt.  Butch also won twice beating the non-athletic Rob and Alex, I think.  Alex won once, but really took a tough one for the team.  Would you think a gym teacher has balance?  Well maybe Heidi did before her boob job created a new center of gravity.  She let her team down twice, but she didn’t go down without a jiggle.  She said that winning was big and it showed they were a strong team.  That was an individual event, and as an individual, you were the weak link.  Heidi was surprised that the guys went off to fish by themselves and wondered why the guys just didn’t get it.  This makes me think she still hasn’t realized she’s been used.  I was reminded of  Heidi asking Dave last week, “What would you do if you were me?”  Dave replied, “I would definitely join us.”  What a schlep!!  Shawna said that Alex saw her at her worst.  No, her worst was right before Alex got there.  I would have shared the toothbrush with everyone until I saw Matthew licking it as if it were tooth cleaning foreplay.  Yuck!  Rob called Matthew a complete idiot.  Based on the voting, I think Rob is out of the loop and will go next.  For Tambaqui, Christy will be gone.

I’m not sure what it is about this show, but I really am enjoying it.  It’s not the challenges, well some of them are interesting, it’s not the location, although I want to see a crocodile do a death roll with Heidi, and it’s not the hooters, well maybe a little.  Alright it’s the hooters!  They usually show the bush right after commercial breaks, but now they show it during challenges.  Jenna and Heidi will be on Jerry Springer: Ex-Amazon Skanks.  They might do a talk show together.  Heidi would say, “If someone wants me to have sex with an animal, I would.  I think a lot of girls would.  Right Jenna?”  They showed all for peanut butter and Oreos.  That doesn’t bother me because I’ve done more for less.  The thing that bothers me is jumping into the water without getting dressed.  There are all kinds of parasites and yucky things that could swim or crawl into their privates, especially as well traveled as they probably are.  I thought someone yelled, “Heidi crossed her muff!”  Then I realized they said, “Heidi lost her buff.”  I don’t understand why Robb wants a threesome.  I like foursomes because nobody has to ride a golf cart by themselves.  Wait a second, he was talking about sex.  Sorry, wrong commentary.  Christy said she did it next to the Washington Monument.  The whole time I’ve been watching this show, I’ve been thinking, “I know her from somewhere.  Giant Eagle, No, Work, No.  That’s it!!  The chick at the monument.  I knew it.  A few beers, a couple of shots, a lot of loud conversation, and before you knew it, I lost my virginity.  You know, you always love your first.  When they came together and saw all the food, it started flying all over the place.  I didn’t know it they were going to eat or play hot potato.  Alex passed on the Coors Light.  He’s an alcoholic.  Alex-1.  There wasn’t an alternative beverage.  Producers-0.  He had me laughing when he said, “Naked chicks, pizza, and Roger got nothing!  Yeah!”  Did anyone notice his lunch lady flabby arms?  And another thing, he should lose the band aid and suck it up a little, Wuss Boy!  Rob is probably the best strategist.  He says a lot about other people, but it’s always for the camera people.  He’s funny, clever, manipulative, and probably won’t win.  Rob and I are a lot alike, except for the fat girl thing.    When Roger said early in the show that it seemed so easy, it was all over for him.  He said it was too good to be true.  He got that right.   He was clueless to the relationships he burned, and summed it up perfectly when he said, “I wasn’t outwitted.  I was outlasted.”  He was outwitted because he was so clueless.  Did I need to explain that?  I told everyone earlier that being an estimator, he didn’t have to be right, he just had to be close.  He wasn’t even in the right jungle.  It was so obvious Roger was being booted, and then I thought it can’t be him, and then I watched him get voted out.  Producers-1, Tim-0.  Dave and Butch are on the chopping block, but immunity, and the ass beating that Dave gives Rob can make a difference next week.  

Dave got what was coming to him.  Deena told him he was the greatest threat.  His reply: “Yeah.”  He also said appropriately, “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist…”  After last week’s vote, it doesn’t even take a 3-toed sloth to see the writing on the wall.  When he went back to the tribe he said, “The banana was just lying in the dish…with some ice cream…and it was melting.”  That’s like me trying to explain to my wife, hold on.  I mean some guy explaining to his wife the day after a bachelor party that the strippers weren’t that pretty, and some of them had crooked teeth.  Then he asked what they made for dinner.  I’m sure he wanted to get rid of that yucky chocolate taste in his mouth.  To Dave’s credit, he was the champ of the mud pit.  Of course Alex was trying to swim in one foot of water instead of standing up and running toward the flags.  I know what you’re all thinking.  They were crawling to get traction; well you only need traction when there’s tension on the line.  So there!  Also, I’d like to know why Alex was wearing Jenna’s bikini bottom.  Speaking of Jenna, why does she always look mad when she doesn’t get her way?  I know it’s a bungy cord stretch, but I’ll bet she comes from a well to do family from a Pittsburgh suburb, mommy doesn’t work, and Jenna gets everything she wants.  Rob calls Jenna and Heidi Twigs and Sticks.   A better name is Twigs and Sticks with Silicon berries.  I know Rob is my boy, but I can’t figure out if he went to Dr. Silicon for some work, or if he has extra baby fat in the breasts that he never outgrew.  You can see a slight hint of jealousy from Heidi and Jenna when he bounces around.  When Rob saw the two female fondlers taking a bath, he was upset they didn’t ask for his help.  He thought, “Oh rats, what a pair of sexy cats, what’s up with all these gnats?”  At the immunity challenge, his Forest Ranger answer was outstanding!  Yeah Rob, there is a ranger, and he’s responsible for 100,000,000 square miles.  He puts in long hours.  It’s not even a forest. It’s a jungle.  If answer D was Jungle Ranger, I would have gone for it.  It looks like Butch and Matt might be counting down their final days.

No matter what I read under her name, there is no way Heidi is a gym teacher.  She couldn’t throw the spear, couldn’t shoot the arrow, and couldn’t blow the dart.  In fact, she was the only one not to hit the target in the actual challenge.  After the spider attack on Heidi, it was funny when Rob said that her knee was as big as her breast.  Can you imagine if the spider would have bitten her boob?  The show had some other interesting quotes.  Heidi asked, “Do I need to totally put my mouth around it?”  Someone else said, “Swallow it Heidi!”  Okay, Okay, those two quotes were said at different times in the show, but it sure lets your imagination run wild.  Heidi says she has her two assets: athletic ability and intelligence.  Are you shaking your head and laughing right now?  She’s not athletic enough to spell intelligence or smart enough to be athletic.  Alex came back from his reward challenge victory, and he went on and on about all the caffeine.  I thought he was rather….well, feminine.  I liked Rob’s mob analogy.  I didn’t see Deena’s “Hit” coming.  When Deena was voted off, I was surprised she didn’t say, “I object” or scream, “Mistrial!”  Matthew appears to be a likely candidate for the next one off the show, so I’m going to go out on a limb and say he’s going all the way.  When I was pledging my fraternity in college, I would act confused, be weak, and purposefully struggle. This would make the brothers beat me and haze me less.  I think Matthew is doing the same.  He said he would appear weak at the reward challenge.  He then hits the bull’s eye and makes it to the finals.  He brought his lettermen’s jacket as a luxury item, not because of ego, but because the toughest thing to keep comfortable when you sleep is your head.  He uses the jacket as a pillow.  Finally, he is the only survivor of the 16 to know where they were going before they left for the Amazon.  He knows what he is doing, but he’s going to need some immunity victories and a little luck.  Butch and Christy are out of the loop and will be gone soon.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or a smart athletic girl like Heidi to see that.

If Jenna was in my house last night, I would have choked her.  There are four reasons.  1.  She was jumping up and down when she got her $500.  The last Survivor that was that excited over having cash in the middle of a jungle was the wrinkly chick that buried a bat.  2.  She spent $320 for candy and peanut butter.  3.  She cried about not being able to bid high enough for the letter.  It was her decision to leave her mother and it was her decision to go after the candy, so get over it!  Even Jeff fell for the drama queen’s tears.  I have no sympathy for tears. In fact, ever since my son was born I’ve lost all sympathy for whining and crying.  Cry about this, cry about that.  It never stops.  If my wife does stop crying, then my son starts.  If I was there, I would have bid $121, read my letter out loud over and over again, or better yet, I wouldn’t even read the letter.  A letter from home doesn’t fill the belly.  Finally, the fourth reason:  She got caught picking her nose.  Doesn’t she know the rule about not picking your nose when there are 10 camera people around you?  In Pennsylvania you can choke someone if you have three good reasons, and I have four, so I would be acquitted, especially if Deena was my lawyer.  Moving on to my boy Rob.  He’s very manipulative, and I love it!  I wish he would quit hitting on the lesbians.  He asked how Heidi keeps her figure.  It’s a simple two step diet.  Get implants and go on a survivor show where food is scarce.  Heidi said something about not knowing how long she has been there.  All she has to do is look at the bottom of the TV screen.  Alex buying the manioc for $240 was funny, but it probably isn’t bothering him too much now.  Ha, ha, ha.  For our poll, Alex was the number two pick over all.  The number 1, 4, 10, 11, 14, and 16^th pick are still alive.  The absolute funniest thing on the show last night came during the immunity challenge.  The question was, “Who do you have the biggest crush on?”  They were supposed to pick the person who they thought the majority of people would have picked.  Matthew voted for himself!!!  I guess he didn’t notice that there are only three girls and four guys, and two of the three girls have been clinging to Alex.  Maybe he thought he would get the girls and an extra vote from gay Alex.  Anyway, I laughed out loud.  It was also funny when Jenna was voted as the person to use sexuality and least likely to survive on their own.  In other words, she’s the most sleazy and least competent.  Yeah, that’s about right.

Christy didn’t deserve her fate last night, but I don’t deserve going bald, so she’ll just have to suck it up.  I mean really, I’ve listened to the same baldy jokes since college.  She whispered to her boyfriend that she’d be in the final four.  I hope she was talking about the March Madness office basketball poll, because that’s the only Final Four she’ll be a part.  She asked, “What can get me to be the sole survivor?”  One thing would have done it…SHAVE YOUR PITS!!!    Principal Butch has an entire school and community watching him get drunk and puke on national TV.  I’ll bet his next substance abuse lecture to Jimmy “I need a D to graduate” Smith and Mike “Where’s the Booze” Hughes will be received as well as an Israeli at a Palestinian Pride Parade.  When his wife came running down the beach, glass was forming under her feet.  I know what you’re thinking.  That’s not right.  Glass isn’t formed from extreme pressure.  It’s extreme heat.  Matthew won the reward challenge, but he gave it away.  Whoopee!!  Rob was right.   Everyone would have done the same…except Jenna.  Why wasn’t his Mom hiding behind the bush like everyone else?  When Matthew and his Mom went to the dinner I can’t imagine his Mom being as excited about the food as Matthew.  She probably thought, “Oh no, I just ate.  I’m already stuffed.  I’ll put something in a baggy for the plane ride home.”  He described the dancers as Indians.  Wrong continent Matt!!  They are actually called Amazondians.  Rob is right about so much.  I don’t remember what, but there was a lot.  The morning after everyone got drunk, he was thinking strategies while everyone was sleeping off their hangovers.  He probably didn’t even get drunk.  I know this because I would have encouraged the drinking, faked being drunk, and pumped everyone for info.  Rob’s rendition of “We’ve Got Tonight” would make Bob Segar say, “You’ve got six nights left, so quit pissing off the chicks!”  The top three lines of B.S. from last night’s show are 3.) “I put all my trust in you Christy.”  This was Heidi trying to get Christy not to tell anyone that Heidi and Jenna have done more than take baths together.  2.) “I gave up a lot of stuff for other people.”  Here, Heidi is referring to her virginity.  1.)  The best line of B.S. was, “I have morals and ethics.”  Come on, Jenna has a point.  Stripping for peanut butter isn’t like doing a Monica Lewinski with the President.  My dark horse pick of Matthew is still going strong, and Rob could go to the finals because everyone knows he is the easiest person to beat in the final vote.  Did anyone think Christy was going to get booted?  That was another shocker.  Did anyone think the anaconda was going to jump up and grab Heidi?  Did you at least hope for it?

            Jenna was disappointed about her irreplaceable pledge crown.  She can have mine, and the Zeta jacket is on sale at the student store because the sorority lost its charter.  Do you think the camera guy saved Heidi’s bag in hopes of a little “pay back” later?  I like Rob’s “Mental Math.”  He said, “Two girls, one brain, divided by two.  Only one ½ wit left.”  At the reward challenge they acted surprised about playing for the Saturn.  It must be common for bright shiny red cars to be scattered around the Amazon jungle.  Maybe they thought Jeff was getting around in it.  I’m still hoping for Rob, but Matthew was my long shot, and I think he’ll be in the finals.