Survivor Satire

Episode #1  The Jinggang Mountains

            It’s the 15^th season of Survivor and my resolve to tease, mock, and dissect the idiotic behaviors of 16 Survivor contestants has never been stronger.  My brother-in-law makes fun of me for doing this, but he looks forward to Dancing with the Stars, so how much can his opinion matter?  The younger guys on my softball team tease me, but they go home and update their My Space pages, so please!! 

            The characters at first glance tonight look like they might provide some worthwhile entertainment.  The show started with the 16 Survivors going to Shanghai.  Next, they were transported on a long journey to a 16^th century Buddhist Temple.  It might have been a 15^th century temple, but nobody knows because who really cared about what century it was back then?  After deliberately telling everyone it was not a religious ceremony, Jeff invited everyone into the temple to bow, worship, and pray to the dozens of Buddha statues.  I can understand how that might make a Christian radio host and a gay Mormon a little uncomfortable.  When confronted by Jeff after the ceremony, Leslie said, “The Bible says not to bow down to anybody but Jesus.”  She also said that she was not a religious person.  The Bible also says not to deny the Father.  She is a Christian Radio Host claiming not to be a religious person.  That’s like Al Gore getting off his private jet and claiming he’s concerned about Carbon Dioxide emissions.  All that being said, I completely agree with her, but rather than single herself out and sound like a dork, she could have just prayed in the Temple something like this, “Forgive these fools Father for they know not what they are doing.  Not just the Buddhists, but also the girl with the heavy boots and earrings in her lips.  Also Father, if you help me win the million bucks I’ll give 10% to the church…that’s after taxes.”

            Jeff told everyone that part of being a Buddhist is leaving behind all possessions, so they wouldn’t be able to take their suitcases with them.  I think it was Jaime that said, “I’m not wearing a bra!”  Jeff told her that it might make her popular back at camp.  Sherea was wearing high-heeled shoes.  I don’t understand these people.  Have they never even heard of Survivor?  The name of the show alone would suggest that they prepare for less than desirable conditions.  It’s like they get on the show less prepared than Brenda and Eddie were for marriage in the summer of ’75.  The two tribes were then divided into Zhan Hu which means Fighting Tiger and Fei Long which means Flying Dragon.  A third tribe will form later called the Liu Tsers which means Losers.

Ashley is a Pro Wrestler with Professionally enhanced hooters.  She said, “I’m prepared, I’m tough, my first night was pretty rough.”  She rhymes better than the people who write the tree-mail.  She got sick and was dry heaving all night long.  Dave told her not to think she was on the chopping block because of her being sick.  In reality, her Great Chest of China will protect her from being voted out as much as the Great Wall of China protected the Chinese from the Mongols.  I’ll elaborate on this a little later.

Other characters include Aaron who claims that he doesn’t want to be a leader because he doesn’t want a target on his back.  Todd quickly rope a dopes him into accepting the role of tribe leader at which he says, “It feels weird, but I think I can do it.”  What a brain fart!  He not only put a target on his back, he bent over and put lipstick around his anal opening.  There is Jean-Robert, who is a professional card player.  He is thin and athletic, but he is bluffing himself as a chubby couch potato.  You may not have noticed his bluff, but I also am a card player and can pick up bluffs like Sam Sheepdog picks up Ralph’s scent every time Ralph tries to steal some sheep.  I know it’s been a while, but Ralph is Wile E. Coyote.  That little refresher is free of charge, but the next one will cost you.  Peih Gee is Chinese and so she already has home-field advantage.  Nobody else will have a chance.  This is as fair a team like Appalachian State going into the Big House and playing Michigan.  Oh well, I guess Peih Gee will be going down like the mighty Wolverines.

The two tribes came together for a combination immunity and reward challenge.  They were playing for fire and immunity.  In his 15^th season, Jeff held up tradition and asked if it was worth playing for.  Don’t you think his Momma would say by now, “Jeffy, quit ending that question with a preposition.  You’re embarrassing me.”  The producers felt sorry for the people wearing fashionable shoes and allowed everyone to have their running shoes, but no bra for Jaime.  They don’t feel that sorry.  The challenge was a big obstacle course where each tribe had to carry a Flying Dragon or Fighting Tiger, similar to what you would see in a parade, above them through the course.  Nothing too exciting happened during the race other than the power going off in my house.  What timing!  Fei Long won and Zhan Hu had to go to council. 

At council, Dave and Peih Gee practically begged to be leaders hoping that they could borrow Aaron’s lipstick.  The conversation shifted to deciding how to vote.  Chicken suggested that they are in a forest, so who do they need?  Someone who can help them survive or someone who wasn’t doing anything, but had the Jinggang Mountains of China on her side.  Five people voted that they wanted to keep the Jinggang Mountains right where they were.  Chicken yelled, “Damn!” and gathered his belongings.  When he talked, he reminded me of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.  He got his nickname from being a chicken farmer.  It made me start thinking about some of the nicknames of people I’ve known.  There was ‘Three’ because he was as queer as a three-dollar bill.  There was ‘Uni’ because he only had one ball.  There was ‘Johnson’ because that was his last name. I had a couple nicknames too.  In college the girls called me Snickers because I really satisfied.  The guys called me Flamer because I was really fast…I think that’s why.

There are more people to make fun of like the lunch lady with the mullet, but it’s 1:00 and I’m tired.  I added something on the bottom of this page.  It is a place for people like you and you to write things.  I don’t even know what it’s called.  If people write, I’ll keep it.  If not, I’ll keep it anyway because it’s free.  Have a great weekend!

Episode #2  The Body Blur

It’s already 11:00, and I’m just getting started.  I was arguing with my wife about the lyrics for JoJo’s Circus.  “Hey JoJo what do they pay?  We all want to know what you earned today.”  It is a very catchy tune.  I sing it sometimes in the shower.  Maybe it was a different topic, but the argument still took forever to end.

I wasn’t writing anything during the show tonight when I realized that the show was very interesting and it kept my full attention.  I can’t believe how people like Ashley-Dave and Aaron-Jean Robert are so openly not getting along with each other.  There is no regard for keeping their mouth shut, flying under the radar, keeping a low profile, and not drawing attention to themself.  Maybe the Producers did an excellent job at profiling people that would naturally get on each other’s nerves.  If that’s the case, bravo! 

Dave had a desire to build a fire pit like Gladys Kravitz had a desire to catch Samantha doing magic on Bewitched.  His obsession is like Captain Ahab’s desire to kill Moby Dick.  To build the fire pit they dismantled a stone staircase from the Ming Dynasty.  When the Chinese realize what these clowns have done to their historic landmark, we are going to war.  That would be bad.  There are over a billion Chinese people just dying to start a restaurant in this country.  You know what?  I don’t even think war would keep the Chinese from opening up a new restaurant every other week in our country.  I’m going to go to China and open a chain of American takeouts and buffets.  It will be called American Takeout and Buffet.  Everything will be fried except the apple pie, unless you request the apple pie to be fried.

For the reward challenge, two large balls were pushed and pulled around in the mud.  Teams grabbed their own balls or the other team’s balls and tried to cross the finish line first.  They were tackling, slamming, and pulling off each other’s clothes.  Boobies were bouncing and pee pees were peeping.  I don’t think I’ve ever scene so much body blur including Amanda going topless as she pulled the ball across the finish line.  I wonder if there’s software you can buy at Staples that could de-blur da blur.  Fei Long won the Battle of the Blur so they got fishing equipment.  Also, they got to kidnap someone from the other tribe for a couple-three days.  They chose Jaime.  She looks like Private Benjamin in her camouflage hat.  She’s cute, but not as cute as Goldie Hawn was back in the day.  As a bonus, Jaime got a secret message to take with her to Fei Long.  It was a clue to an immunity statue, but Jaime was only allowed to share it with one person.  She decided to give it to Leslie, who thought it was a gift from God.  Unfortunately it was an insult because Jaime said she thought by giving the weakest person from Fei Long the clue, it would keep them weak.

Leslie was unable to find the idol with her clue so she decided to get help from the gay Mormon.  He also insults Leslie by asking the cameraman, “What was she thinking?”  He wants her to get voted off the show so he would be the only one to know the clue.  That’s the problem with going to smarter people for advice.  They always screw you over in the end.  I have a new philosophy.  I’m always going to stupid people for advice.  The advice might be worthless or even cause more problems, but at least I can rest assured that the stupid advice giver isn’t plotting against me. 

Amanda decided to team up with Todd, the gay Mormon.  Speaking of gay Mormons, how does that work?  Is he allowed to have many husbands?  Well, I did some research and discovered that Mormons gave up the practice of polygamy in 1890.  However, they believe homosexuality and bestiality to be really naughty.  That’s too bad because I always thought bestiality was best.  Amanda and Todd decided to bring in Aaron to their alliance, which is perfect because Aaron is Todd’s bitch.  When they shook hands on the alliance, Aaron said, “Ow!”  That’s true!  I rewound it to make sure.

For the immunity challenge, they had to ram large logs through two doors, use the ram to navigate through a puzzle, and then ring a gong.  The logs looked like large dildos, but I wouldn’t know anything about that.  Dave was so lame during the challenge that he might as well have been a giant dildo.  Zhan Hu lost again and went to council.  It was a vote between Ashley, who worried about looking like an idiot despite the two earrings in her lips, or Dave, the fire pit-obsessed-dildo.  By the way, Dave is a former model.  Isn’t that fantastic!  I don’t know what he does now, but at one time, he was a model.  When he’s on the Stairmaster at the gym and someone asks him what he does for a living he replies, “I’m a former model.”  And they think, “What a dildo!”

Jean-Robert was into his bluffing ways again.  He is still bluffing that he’s chubby, but now he claims that he’s bluffing laziness.  He does this by sleeping all day.  When his obnoxious snoring wakes him, he rolls over and falls back to sleep.  He does this so well, he actually looks lazy, and the froth coming out of his mouth while he snores, looks very real.  Aaron called him out for being lazy.  Jean-Robert defended himself by claiming, “The wheels are turning here.  Believe me; I can contribute valuable stuff with my mind.”  His strategy is almost as bad as Michael Vick’s strategy of smoking pot before his mandated drug testing.  You have to give credit to Vick.  He sure knows how to impress a judge.  I thought it was funny when Aaron suggested that they all get into some routine, and Jean-Robert said, “Why don’t we just rest?”  Yeah, those wheels are turning!  The funniest quote from the show was when Dave said, “I’m not trying to finger anybody.”  I guess it’s funny if you turn everything into some perverted thought like me.  I think I can end on that note, so have a great weekend.  Go Steelers!

Episode #3  Beware of the Christian!

It’s already 11:00 and I’m just getting started.  I’m so tired that I’m worried I might fall asleep half way through spelling words like assail, dickey, booby hatch, sextant, or cocksure.  Now it’s 11:45.  I just had to change my daughter’s sheets because she barfed up her dinner.  I’m proud to say even with puke in her hair, she’s the most beautiful girl in the world.  Before I get into the Survivor I need to explain how my website works.  On the home page, there are six buttons on the left side for the six main pages.  Each page has sub-pages from which to choose.  That’s the obvious part.  The less than obvious part is that you can actually click on the six main pages.  In fact, if you click on the China page you will see this week’s summary and the link for the forum.  To review, click on one of the six main pages on the left side of the home page.  After clicking on the main pages, click on one of the many sub pages.  To review a second time for the people in West Virginia, from the home page, click on the six main pages, then click on the sub pages.  To review a third time for my family members, home page, six main pages, sub pages.  Get it?  My daughter puke again so now it’s midnight, and I haven’t even started with the summary.  I have to be honest, she didn’t look as cute this time.

Apparently there are at least two people on the show the don’t have an inner voice that tells them when to shut up.  They are Dave from Zhan Hu Manchu and Leslie from Fei Long John Silvers.  After being the second top vote getter for being kicked off the island, he thought it would be a great idea to insult the intelligence of everyone in his tribe.  It might be a good idea to shut his pie hole, but maybe he has a secret plan.  Let’s see how it plays out for him.  Leslie showed off her big mouth when she was taken as a spy after Zhan Hu Manchu won the Reward Challenge.   More details to come within the next paragraph or so.

The Reward Challenge was for comfort items such as blankets, pillows, and Asian hookers.  Teams of three had to wrestle each other off two large boats.  In an attempt to make things fair, they had girls on girls and guys on guys, which also happens to be the name of the 1994 Porn Film of the Year.  I think it was a little sexist to group the teams by sex.  They should have had weight classes.  Would anyone ever put money on Frosti going against the Grave Digger?  That would be like me going against a softball buddy of mine that weighs 100 pounds more than me and played college football and baseball.  Actually that’s not a good example because I pinned him in less than three minutes.  I don’t want to embarrass him so I won’t tell you his name is Ryan.  He still brings it up as one of the low points in his glorious athletic career.  Anyway, Sherea would have done much better against the Grave Digger because it looked like her maxi pad was showing above her underwear/bathing suit.  That would freak most guy into an easy submission.  Speaking of maxis, the Survivors are there for 39 days.  That means everyone woman would be bleeding more than Glenn Close did when she cut herself up in Fatal Attraction.  All except Courtney because anorexic girls don’t get their periodicals.  That’s true.  I think I saw it on the Karen Carpenter story.  Maybe they don’t even get supplied with feminine stuff.  They could be going au natural like women did in the 1600’s or the French women do today.  At least it would explain why they all have red underwear.  A little camouflage to hide the evidence.

To better Dave’s chance of winning in the “Knock-each-other-off-the-boat” challenge, Dave stripped down to his blurriness.  The Grave Digger wasn’t intimidated by seeing Dave’s little pee pee because The Grave Digger is black, and if the legends are true, believe me, there would be no intimidation.  The Digger tossed him off with ease.  That is, he tossed him off the boat.  There were many less-than-flattering shots of the Lunch Lady.  At one point she held up the flap on her tummy like she was reaching into a fanny pack for some quarters for the gumball machine.  Oh my, and that mullet.  I realize they’re in a jungle, but when you have a bad hairdo like a mullet, and you don’t have a brush or comb, every day is a bad hair day, and a bad hair night, and a bad hair morning.

Zhan Hu won the challenge, got the pillows, and chose Leslie to come back to their camp.  Since they are playing a cutthroat game for a million bucks, they kept the conversation light.  She only told Fei Long that Aaron is their leader, who shot Kennedy, and what’s hidden at Area 51.  I bet she told her kids where they hide the matches, their guns, and told the Police where the hid the body of her crazy old aunt. 

At camp, Jean-Robert is trying to stay warm at night by cuddling with the girls.  The girls are freaking out because…well just look at him.  He’s a cross between Ronin and Bull from Night Court.  Everyone is trying to sleep and he’s spooning the girls like there’s no tomorrow.  I can relate to this because I start trying to kiss my wife in the middle of the night, and I don’t even realize it.  That’s probably the only thing that would bother me about being on the show.  I don’t mean kissing someone in the middle of the night, I mean my wife being on the show with me.  Worse yet, what if I started kissing some guy in my sleep?  Yuck! Ew! Ahh! Excuse me, but I have to go gargle. 

At the Immunity Challenge, each team needed four people to chop through wooden beams to cut through rope that would release four discs to the ground to be used as puzzle pieces and solved by two other people.  The film editors had the rope cutting in slow motion, which was kind of neat.  The first choppers were Courtney and some chick for Zhan Hu.  The race was close until it started.  Courtney had no ability to chop the wood with her sword.  The memory of her futility will haunt her forever.  Believe me, I know.  I’m still haunted by a weak dribbling grounder I hit back to the pitcher with two outs to end a championship softball game.  Her first problem was the sword weighing more than she does.  The second problem was using the wrong side of the sword.  I don’t mean the sword was upside down, I mean she was trying to chop the wood with the handle of the sword.  Her third problem was she was swinging the sword slower than the giant pendulum swings at the Smithsonian Museum in Washington D.C.  My son would have done a better job with his plastic glow in the dark light saber. After her humiliating defeat, Todd said, “You didn’t give up which is key.”  That’s like saying, “Good eye!” to some kid for not swinging at a ball when the only reason they didn’t swing was because they were too afraid to miss it.  If it wasn’t for Courtney’s complete failure, I would have said Frosti completely scratching and repositioning himself on national TV would have been the most embarrassing thing from the show.

Somehow, Courtney doesn’t get voted off the show.  They vote Leslie off because they are worried about her finding some more Christians in the other tribe.  What are they thinking?  The Christians might get together and sing a hymn or take up a collection?  It was too bad for Leslie.  She seemed like a good person despite being a little light in the gray matter.  I should have known it was going to be her when she said, “Jean-Robert will be the first to go.”  Until next week, take care!

Episode #4  My Body Comes First

Sherea is a big lump of brown sugar.  She lies around camp and does nothing.  The show began with a conflict between Dave and Sherea regarding some shells that she wanted to throw away.  Dave wanted to save them as a keepsake.  I can understand both of their points of view.  Dave wanted to keep them because he’s in second grade and he found some free souvenirs.  Sherea wanted to throw them out because it is the job of all women to irritate men.  This is true.  I read it in Mad Magazine.  They say that when people argue, a deeper issue actually exists.  In Dave and Sherea’s case, they are in love and don’t know how to express it.  At the reunion show, they will be sitting hand in hand, and Sherea will announce that she is pregnant.

For the reward challenge, each tribe had to work in pairs to carry a little ball of fire around 25 feet with giant chopsticks and drop it in a trough.  The ball of fire then lit some fireworks.  Each consecutive pair had to use longer chopsticks.  Everyone tried to pick up the ball with the very end of the sticks.  I would have grabbed the balls much higher on the chopsticks where it would have been easier to control.  I don’t have time to explain it now, but it has to do with leverage and the deep undulations of the earth that Rodney Yee mentions in my Yoga DVD.

Fei Long won the use of a fisherman and his family for a day.  They brought plenty of fish, vegetables, oils, and spices to have a feast.  Lunch Lady spoke for the first time on the show and said, “A lunch lady is not an expert on food.”  Now that’s a shocker!  Someone once said lunch ladies can burn pizza and keep it frozen at the same time.  I always liked the lunch ladies when I taught.  The one would give me adult size portions, and the other would charge me the kid price.  To show my appreciation I would tip them my normal 10% on the $1.75 lunch.  This would give them eight or nine cents each.  Once again, proof that I know how to take care of the people that take care of me.

There were five or six birds on the one fishing boat.  I thought the birds were very bold to be waiting on the boat for the fisherman’s catch.  It turns out the birds were being used to catch fish.  The Chinese fisherman tied their mouths somehow so that the birds would dive for the fish and bring them back to the boat, while not being able to swallow the fish.  The birds would just cough them up into the boat.  I like that concept.  Maybe I could train my kids to go and gather money.  When they return, I make them cough it up into my pockets.  The fishing lessons should help Fei Long tremendously, however there’s an old saying:  Give a tribe a fish, and they eat for a day.  Teach a tribe to fish, and they eat if anyone is willing to get off their lazy asses and fish. 

Fei Long also kidnapped Dave for winning the reward challenge.  At Fei Long’s camp, Dave became their leader and told everyone what to do.  The Fei Long tribe decided that if they would go to council, they would vote out Dave even after he returned to Zhan Hu.  It was the first time in Survivor history that a person was on the chopping block in two different tribes at the same time.  The last two sentences are fictitious.  Dave decided to trust Todd with the clue for the immunity idol, and why not?  If you can’t trust a gay Mormon flight attendant, who can you trust?  On the other hand, Leslie trusted him, and where is she now?

In the Immunity Challenge, teams of two had to dress up in Chinese battle armor and throw meteor hammers at clay pots sitting on poles.  Frosti returned the statue and said, “See you soon buddy.”  Yes, that means in Survivor editing talk that Zhan Hu will lose the challenge.  Jean Robert spoke about himself in the third person when he said, “Jean Robert will sit out.”  Reason number 17 that he’s a goof.  They were given a stick to help defend their pots.  As usual, some people couldn’t throw it more than ten feet.  I’m sure they could kick the hammer ten feet, so it’s amazing to me that they can’t throw it far enough to even reach the other team.  Erik and Erin both threw low.  I’m not sure what inspired that strategy considering the pots were on top of the poles.  They must have gone to the same strategy school as Dave Wannstedt.  Amanda threw her hammer and managed to split the strong defense of Jaime and Erik who were caught sleeping during the challenge.  To Jaime’s credit, when she threw the hammer, she hit two pots with the same hammer.  For the most part, they all looked silly because they were playing offense and defense at the same time.  They had a stick to defend and the hammer to attack.  They were awkwardly hanging onto both at the same time.  At one point there was a shot right at Frosti and Dave that neither one of them stopped.  They should have taken a lesson from Daffy Duck and given it the old dodge, parry, and spin.    

It appeared that the vote at council would come down to the former model slash future lover of Sherea and the former lazy person, whose been “stepping it up a lot more” slash future concubine of Dave.  If you can possibly follow the previous sentence, give yourself a high five.  Sherea was making outrageous claims like she has been doing a lot more at camp, and she invented the question mark.  Actually, it was Austin Power’s father, Nigel who claimed he invented the question mark.  Sherea said that she lives for the challenges and said, “I’ll bust my butt to make sure we win.”  I don’t think she busted her ass enough because they’ve lost two straight challenges.  However, let’s not be too quick to place all the blame on Sherea.  Everyone needs to bust ass if they expect Zhan Hu to win another challenge.

Sherea also said, “I’m not doing anything until I have to.  My body comes first.”  If you’re talking about the line at the ice cream store, you’re correct.  Speaking of ice cream store, I was behind a not-so-thin family the other day at the Marble Slab and they started asking for samples.  I was running late, so I grew impatient.  When I get impatient, I start making rude commentary in my brain.  For example, a family of this girth didn’t get this way from having discriminating tastes about their food, especially their ice cream.  No matter what flavor you pick, you’ll like it.  It’s ice cream!  It may come in many flavors, but none of them are bad, except for low calorie, low carb, poopy-flavored ice cream.

Sherea will probably be around for a while because everyone will think they can beat her in anything and she won’t get votes from the jury.  That being said, I still think she’s as useful as the sign that reads “Strollers prohibited” on the escalator at the mall.  I was in the food court tonight eating my dinner, and I saw seven people push their stroller onto the escalator.  One dummy took her three-year old out of the stroller so that she could make it more difficult handling two things at the bottom.  I got out of my seat to see them ride because if that kid was sucked into the escalator, I wanted to be ready to hit the “Off” button.  Actually, I just wanted to see the woman struggle at the bottom.  As I continued to watch, a mall guard assisted another woman with her stroller.  You know what?  A mall guard might be more useless than the “Strollers Prohibited” sign.  The sign at least gives five or six screws something to hold in place.  A mall guard can’t even hold their utility belt in place.  They don’t have guns, so what could they possibly be guarding?  Someone slipping in a spilled Orange Julius?  Does Orange Julius still exist?  I may have just dated myself.  I suppose in an emergency, they could direct people to the exits, if they haven’t already abandoned the place.

After the accountants tallied the final vote, Dave took one for the team.  In terms of work ethic, usefulness, service, function, value, worth, productivity, and utility, he was the guy to keep around a little longer.  In terms of being so stupid that you can’t keep your mouth shut to the point you piss everyone off around you, he was definitely the one to boot.  There are three possible reasons why people act like Dave on the show.  They have never seen an episode of Survivor, they want to define clearly how dumb they are, or they are so egocentric, they fail to realize there are fifteen other people competing for the million dollars.  To be positive, Dave has just padded his resume.  The former model is now also the former Survivor contestant.  Have a great weekend!

Episode #5  I Do Puzzles Back Home

Just when you think a Survivor tribe can’t get any dumber, Zhan Hu said, “Oh yes!  We can be much dumber.  The show began with Chinese boatmen giving a message to Fei Long that said they would have to pick two Zhan Hu members to join their tribe.  They decided they would take Sherea and Frosti.  Fei Long also figured that the other tribe would take James and either Aaron or Jean-Robert.  Zhan Hu received the same message and couldn’t believe their good fortune.  Not only would they get two of the strongest Fei Long members, they would go from five to seven people.  Can you believe their luck?  That’s like finding a $20 bill in your jacket.  There’s only one problem…they’re dumb!  Not for one second did they think the other tribe might have received a similar letter.

At first, I thought they were idiots because they did their math incorrectly.  For example, Zhan Hu picks up two, Fei Long picks up two, therefore Zhan Hu goes from five to seven members.  Then I realized these people are clueless.  Maybe I’m incorrect in labeling Zhan Hu as dummies.  Another explanation could be five narcissistic people think the world revolves around them.  This would be nothing new.  Another explanation might be five Liberal Democrats think they are entitled to more members because of the inequity of numbers in the two tribes.  If you think that they would only expect one more person to make the tribes even at six, this is not how a Democrat thinks.  They believe that they should receive one member to make things even and another for reparations.  It’s like the Fairness Doctrine.  Nobody is interested in liberal talk radio, so the Democrats want to destroy conservative talk radio.  Speaking of liberal, I was walking across a parking lot last week, and I saw a work van with some guy’s name and his business advertised on the side of the van in big blue letters.  It read his name and “Abortionist.”  I thought, “Wow!  I can’t believe someone would boldly advertise something so controversial.  After my initial shock, I took a second look at it read, “Arborist.”  That makes more sense, but I’m still not convinced that he’s not an abortionist.  Maybe the letters are an optical illusion like those trading cards that change their picture if you tilt them back and forth.  The only problem would be for the pregnant woman who calls him because a tree fell over in her back yard.  Anyway, Zhan Hu decided to take Aaron and James.

Another bombshell happened at the beginning of the show when Jaime and Erik went for a swim.  While discussing their feelings for each other, Erik said he was a virgin.  Now a nerdy musician virgin is something you don’t see every day.  Jaime tried to hold back her shock because she has seen more manhood than a gay penis specialist.  I wonder how the conversation will go when Erik asks with how many guys she’s played patty cake.

There wasn’t a reward challenge.  With the four-player switch, each tribe received a basket of food and some wine.  James asked who the brains in that group were.  Jaime answered, “We actually all are.  We’re all, um, I mean…I do puzzles back home.”  I know the exact puzzle in which she refers.  There is a train, a boat, and a truck.  Each piece has a knob for easy handling and fits nicely into a groove of the same shape.  It probably takes her a few minutes to complete. 

In another shocker, Peih Gee showed some true cunning.  She thought that each tribe would logically vote off the two newest members leaving her a possible seven to three deficit going into a ten-member merge.  She suggested to Jaime that they throw the challenges to vote out James and Aaron and go to the merge at five to five.  Jaime agreed to the plan.  The plan is so good I can’t help thinking that somebody text messaged the plan to her.  This is the girl who said, “Power really shifted to our tribe today because now we have the numbers.” 

The challenge was a race for two members from each tribe to swim out to a dock, dive down, and pull out bamboo sticks from a cage in order to release floating discs.  A zodiac sign was on each disc, and three other members arranged them in a puzzle.  Jaime and Peih Gee butchered the puzzle like a dog in a Chinese meat market.  James was getting mad, but never realized what was happening.  Despite the early lead, Zhan Hu lost the challenge and had to go to tribal council.

Back at camp, James was angry about their lack of effort and the casual attitude about losing the challenge.  James and Aaron told Erik to ask the girls what was happening.  Jaime told Erik about throwing the challenge.  He looked shocked.  Not so much about throwing the challenge, but revealing his virginity to a devious plotting bitch.  To make himself feel better, he asked Jaime if he could still trust her.  That’s like asking Winnie the Pooh to watch over your honey pot or asking Swiper the Fox to watch over your bag of candy.  I purposefully covered two generations in that comparison to show I’m an equal opportunity writer.

At council, Jeff asked about the lack of effort in the challenge and Jaime eventually admitted that they threw the challenge.  The look on James’ face was priceless.  At this point James and Aaron should have been begging Erik to team up with them to vote out one of the girls.  Instead, Aaron said he was confident that he would be around longer and James accepted that he would be the one to leave.  So of course, it didn’t happen that way.  I was hoping for a Peih Gee shocker, mainly because the wounds on her knees look like she has a staph infection, instead, Aaron got the majority of votes and had to say bye bye.  One last comment, would someone please get Sherea a razor for those pits.  Have a good weekend!

Episode #6  Lunch Lady – The New Name in Loserville

It’s a busy night in the good old U.S. and A.  We have two top-ten college football teams playing, a little thing called the World Series, and it’s a hockey night in Pittsburgh, not to mention my wife hosting Bunko and I’m watching Survivor along with all of the above.  It doesn’t look to good for James, but like every good Survivor show, there has to be some twists and turns.  We’ll see. 

For the reward challenge, each tribe had to run through an old building, retrieve lettered planks of wood, and fit them into a puzzle that reveals a wise saying from Confucius.  The planks were scattered through the building, but they were all in pairs tied to the wall.  I was wondering.  Is it cheating to quickly untie the other team’s plank and throw it somewhere?  Is it poor sportsmanship?  Under most circumstances, the answer is yes, but this is Survivor and the whole idea is to out lie, out cheat, and out last everyone else.  Now would I do it?  Probably not, but I would suggest it to my teammates. 

The race was close until Zhan Hu got to the part of the challenge where they had to think.  At this point, they were blown away and resorted to itching their bellies, and scratching their heads.  The Confucius saying was, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”  A secret source of mine told me there were some other sayings the Producers were considering for the puzzle.  They include:  “Man who walks through airport security sideways is going to Bangkok.”  “Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.”  “Man who farts in church sits in his own pew.”  “Man who drops watch in toilet has crappy time.”  “It is nice for man to meet lady in park, but better for man to park meat in lady.”  Difference between pick pocket and peeping tom is pick pocket snatches watches and peeping tom watches snatch.”  “Baseball all wrong.  Man with four balls cannot walk.”  That was a tribute to the World Series.  These Confucianisms all came from Jim Krenn of the DVE Morning Show.

Fei Long won the challenge so they picked James to go with them to a tea house for some food, a bath, and some tea.  Go figure!  Most people wouldn’t have caught this, but Charmin was the main sponsor for this show.  After all, who would have ever noticed the pyramids of Charmin that Jeff uncovered, the stacks of Charmin at the tea house, Jeff’s pitch for Charmin being heavy duty, and the tea house being called the “Charmin Tea House?” The thing that stuck out the most to me was the Charmin commercial when they said, “Nobody likes a bath tissue that leaves pieces behind.”  At first, I thought, what are they talking about?  Isn’t leaving some crap behind a fact of life?  Then I thought, what are they talking about?  Are pieces of tissue being left behind?  I never heard of this.  Are people having a problem with this?  Do they have asses made of sandpaper?  If Charmin needs a national ad campaign to address this problem, it must be serious.  As you can see, the Charmin commercial left me with many unanswered questions.

While at the teahouse, Todd started working James…but not while James was taking his naked shower.  Todd told him that if James gave Todd the clue, he would guaranty he could help James stay alive.  James trusted Todd.  Todd and Amanda found the immunity and came up with a plan.  They told James he could have the immunity idol, and Fei Long would throw the challenge.  Then at council, James could announce having immunity and reverse the vote to get rid of Jaime.  The idea of Jaime’s strategy backfiring on her is almost too delicious.

After losing the reward challenge, Erik said, “I’m tired of losing.”  They lose whether they try to win or not, so it makes me wonder if it’s necessary to throw a challenge.  Jaime was lamenting over the strategy to throw the previous challenge and decided a new strategy is in place.  Win! 

The immunity challenge was the food challenge.  All my life I thought the only thing Chinese people ate was rice.  I learned something tonight besides the toilet paper problem.  Chinese people also eat chicken hearts, baby turtles with shells, chicken fetuses with feathers and beak, and 1,000 year old eggs.  Jeff called each food its name in Chinese, but I couldn’t tell what he was saying, however, the word for chicken hearts sounded like G-string.  Frosti and Erik had to eat the eggs. Everyone knows how deadly a sulfur fart can be.  Can you imagine the smell of fart from someone who has eaten a 1,000-year-old egg?  Poor Jaime.  That relationship might have to go on hold for a few days.  I don’t care how much you love someone or how new and exciting the relationship is.  Those blasts cause roses to wilt.  In fact, the Chinese military are trying to develop a weapon grade formula of the 1,000 year old sulfur fart.  They have teams of scientists eating eggs and farting into flasks.  If we ever go to war with the Chinese, I’m going to carry around a portable hand held fan for protection.  I’ll get the one with mist so I can keep cool also.

It was time for Denise to go against James in the chicken fetus eating competition.  Denise knew that James was going to throw the race and let her win.  There was only one problem.  She’s a lunch lady and she only knows how to serve food that looks like crap.  She doesn’t know how to eat it.  James did everything he could to lose.  He ate slowly, he pretended that he couldn’t get it down, and pretended that he was going to get sick.  Eventually, the lunch lady choked both literally and figuratively.  James was forced to finish off the rest of the fetus.  He probably liked the little feathery fellows, but he didn’t show it.  I have to say, it takes someone special to lose a competition that the other team is helping you win.  It’s like when I arm wrestle my Grandma.  I use my left arm to help her, but she still loses.  If you kill a fetus, it’s called abortion.  What’s it called if you eat a fetus?

Zhan Hu won the immunity so Fei Long had to go to council.  The conversations were making it look like Sherea or Jean-Robert would be sent home.  Amanda said that it would come down to whom they could trust more.  I snickered at first, but then I realized I wouldn’t trust either one.  Sherea is from the other tribe and Jean-Robert is just a scumbag.  During council, Sherea went on a sassy rant that probably sealed her fate on any chance that people were on the fence about her.  What is it about black women that causes them to bob their head, shake their finger, and talk sassy when their angry?

During the exit interview, Sherea said that Fei Long was sticking together and they’re getting played.  Huh?  By whom?  She also said, “I hope half of them get screws.”  Huh?  Are they going to the hardware store?  Maybe the other half will get the hammers.  Yes, I know.  You don’t use hammers with screws.  They would need wrenches.

It’s past one.  The Rockies lost, and the Penguins lost, but Boston College scored 14 points in the final two minutes to beat Virginia Tech 14-10.  This doesn’t really mean anything to me other than Virginia Tech is Michael Vick’s alma mater.  Can anything else go wrong for him?  Have a great weekend!

Episode #7  Girl Who Thinks She’s Smart, but Isn’t and Likes the Virgin Musician

Tonight’s show might be the funniest episode I can remember.  The perfect title is, “I’m Not as Dumb as I Look,” but that is the official title for the show so I couldn’t use it.  Then I thought to call it, “Stupid is as Stupid Does,” but that was from Forest Gump.  Then I came up with “Dumb Bitch” because there is no way that title has ever been used for anything.  Well, naïve me.  I Googled it and found about a hundred rap songs with that title, so that’s how I finally came up with the title, “Girl Who Thinks She’s Smart, but Isn’t and Likes the Virgin Musician.”  I try to be original, so I defy anyone to find anything called that.

The show started with Jeff bringing the tribes together to tell them it was time to merge.  Everyone expected it, but they acted surprised anyway.  You have to throw a bone to the people that take care of you.  That’s why I let my parents think I believed in Santa until I graduated from high school.  They felt good, and I kept getting new underwear.  In fact, I still have some of them.

There wasn’t a challenge and the new merged tribe went back to the Fei Long camp for a feast and some cultural performances.  Before leaving, Jeff gave the warning that this game never stops.  Nobody thought too much of it, and everyone got drunk.  There were acrobats, plate spinners, contortionists, and dancers.  They looked impressive, but I can’t think of anything funny to write about it, so who cares?

Later that day, Jeff visited the new tribe called, “Hae Da Fung” which translates to some nonsense.  Jeff told them it was time for the Immunity Challenge.  Several questions were asked regarding the feast.  As soon as they missed, they were done.  Their chances depended upon how well they observed everything.  I’ve said it many times, “Don’t get drunk on Survivor!”  The first question was how many times did the fire crackers go off?  They were huge strands that would not be easily missed, yet Amanda, Courtney, Peih Gee, and The Girl Who thinks She’s Smart, but Isn’t and Likes the Virgin thought it happened twice.  Try three times ladies.  That would be like not remembering how many times you had sex the previous year.    Second question:  What was the centerpiece?  A dragon, everyone got it.  They must have copied off the smart kid.  Third question:  What was the color of the tall pole?  Yellow.  Todd, Jean-Robert, Erik, and Denise missed it.  Isn’t it interesting how four women didn’t know how many times there were firecrackers going off, and four guys didn’t recognize the color of the large phallic symbol?  The final question:  What were the dancers wearing on their feet?   A question about women’s footwear between a college guy and girl.  Wow, this is a no-brainer.  I bet $100 on Jaime.  Damn that Girl Who thinks She’s Smart, but Isn’t and Likes the Virgin.  She wrote, “Silk stockings, shoes, and bells.”  Unfortunately, that’s what Jeff was wearing.  Frosti didn’t know, so he wrote, ‘nothing’ and fortunately he was correct.  They had bare foot.  Can you believe his dumb luck?

This is a tip for all of you:  There is no surer bet in the entire world that to bet against what I bet.  I would have bet on Jaime, so everyone should have bet on Frosti.  For example, I bet on the Colorado Rockies to win the World Series, and Boston won in a 4-0 sweep.  Hooray, another one of the most highly paid teams won.  Is it really even fair?  I saw some kids playing Red Rover the other day.  I got five other parents to play the kids in a best of seven series.  We swept the kids 4-0.  Maybe this isn’t a good example because the adults weren’t paid, but if I was handing out paychecks, I would have paid more for the adults.  One of my laws is victory over inferior competition means nothing.  Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox and all your fans.  I hope the Colts beat up on the Patriots this Sunday.  I should bet on the Patriots to make them lose.

During the show, James was looking for the other immunity idol.  He found the other one, but people were returning to the camp, so he didn’t have time to put the piece of wood back on the arch.  Later on, Jamie noticed the missing piece of wood, walked over to the arch, and found the piece of carved wood on the ground.  She wasn’t sure what to make of it.  Later that night, she started searching through James’ bag and found two more idols.  However, they were stuffed in his clothing, and she was unable to take them out and read the back that officially said it was the immunity idol.  If this isn’t clear, to simplify, she thinks she has an immunity idol, but she only has some wood, much like her virgin boyfriend.  The next day, James noticed the wood wasn’t on the ground anymore.  He said, “One of those dumb asses has a blank board and thinks they have an immunization thing.”  Poor Jamie.  She won’t be able to save herself from the vote, but at least with ‘the immunization thing,’ she won’t get the flu.  It’s difficult to explain, but it was funny to see her think and talk like she was in a great position.  She said, “I’m excited to have the hidden immunity.  If I play the idol, it’s going to shock everyone, including Jeff.”  The only thing shocking to Jeff would be her stupidity.  This might have been the point in the show where she said, “I’m not as dumb as I look,” and “I like playing stupid.”

At council, Jeff tallied the votes and was ready to read them when Jamie said she had a question.  She asked if she could play her immunity idol.  Before they voted, Jeff probably should have gone over the idol rules again, but I’ll let him slide because after stating the rules he said, “This is not the immunity idol,” and threw it into the fire.  If this wasn’t funny enough, the idol caromed off the fire and right at Jaime.  The editing didn’t show this, but with my highly trained eyes, and expertly calibrated thumb, I was able to rewind and pause on each frame to see the trajectory of the flying wood.  Nice throw Jeff!  After getting the most votes, Jaime looked and felt like the Wizard of Oz after Toto pulled back the curtain…a lot less powerful and a lot more stupid.  If her fake idol play wasn’t so funny, I might have felt sorry for her.

James had some notable quotes tonight referring to Courtney:  “If I had known that skinny bitch was so flaky, I would have voted her out.”  She’s supposed to be from New York.  She’s supposed to have some kind of city smarts.”  “She falls in love with any swinging dick or hairy dick that floats by or smiles at her.”  This ain’t Love Connection.”  I like James a lot.  I hope he wins.  To give him a chance, I won’t bet any money on him.

Right before last season began, I changed the “Warning” section on my home page, and nobody has ever commented.  There are three possibilities for this non-response.  1.  Nobody noticed which is difficult to believe because everyone reads warning labels.  On second thought, because it was a warning, nobody read it on purpose.  I’m different because I read warning labels.  I wasn’t sure how to use my stepladder, so I looked at the warning and it read, “Do not place on frozen cow patties.” Also, my split personality medicine read, “Do not use with alcohol.”  Just because I read the labels, doesn’t mean I listen to them.  The next thing I knew, I had a crazy delusional buzz and was singing The Steelers Polka on the top rung of my stepladder that was sitting precariously on two frozen cow patties…at least the one was frozen.  The other was steaming.  2.  Maybe it wasn’t funny.  Come on now!  I spent 15 minutes trying to write down every word of the Viagra commercial because who among us hasn’t had an erection lasting for more than four hours?  Maybe people read it, thought it was funny, but took it seriously.  These are the guys who are reading while they carefully monitor their vision and any unexpected ‘movements’ down there.  For the women who read this, an erection might not be an issue, but they keep a meat thermometer handy to monitor any abnormal rises in body temperature.  Any way, if you’re interested, let me know what you think.

Have a great weekend!  The Steelers are hosting the Ravens for Monday Night Football.  Look for me because I’ll have an ESPN sign that reads, “Exterminate, Slaughter, Pulverize and Neuter the Ravens.  I already bet on the Ravens, so the Steelers should be in good shape.

Episode #8  I’ve Got Your Idol Right Here

I thought it was another great show tonight.  That makes two in a row, which is almost as great as having sex in two consecutive months.  I think the producers are showing more strategy from the players.  The immunity idol is also making the dynamics more interesting.  Whatever it is, I like it!

The reward challenge was a boat-sinking contest.  The winners would visit a 1,000-year-old village, have an authentic meal, and get another clue for the immunity idol.  One person had to sit in a small boat while three people from other team threw buckets of water at them from a walkway that formed an 18-foot-by-18-foot square floating area.  The boaters could scoop out as much water as they were able with their hands.  Peih Gee and Jean-Robert were randomly chosen to pick teams.  Jean-Robert picked James, James picked Todd, and Todd picked Amanda.  Peih Gee picked Frosti, Frosti picked Erik, and Erik had the last pick.  He had to pick between Courtney and the Lunch Lady.  He picked Courtney because she was lighter.  Unfortunately, for the Lunch Lady, nobody picked her and she had to go sit down by herself and was not eligible for the reward.  She said, “I’m big, I’m fat, I’m the last one picked.”  I felt bad for her.  Other than her mullet, her butch-looks, and the fact she serves garbage to kids, she’s probably a real nice lady.

If you are like me, that wouldn’t be a good thing, but you might have thought that Courtney should have been chosen earlier.  She is so skinny; I thought she might actually float.  I thought that her scrawny, weak, emaciated body would finally be useful for something other than being a poster child for a 30-day weight loss program.  The last time I was this wrong, I thought Britney Spears would make a good mother.  Courtney was unable to stay in the middle and floated towards the bucket people.  In addition, when she was scooping the water, she looked like she was making as much impact as someone raking leaves on a windy day.  I know this because it was me three days ago.  I just hope nobody caught it on video.

During the second round, Frosti was in the one boat and Amanda in the other.  You might have thought Frosti would win this one.  WRONG!  This also meant that Courtney was throwing buckets of water towards Amanda.  Towards is the operative word because she was too weak to throw the water all the way to the boat.  It didn’t even look like Amanda was scooping water.  She just kept herself positioned in the middle of the pool and waited for Frosti to sink.

Jean-Robert, James, Amanda, and Todd went to the village and enjoyed their feast of things that looked yucky.  They said it was authentic, but that doesn’t mean anything to me.  I’ll take General Tso any day over the crap they served.  I’m so tired of people telling me that authentic cuisine is always the best.  Authentic Italian pizza doesn’t have cheese.  Yuck!  Margaritas in Mexico are made with water that gives you the shits for three days.  Italian spaghetti sauce doesn’t come in a jar with the letters R, A, G, and U on it.  What are they thinking?  An authentic meal for prisoners would be a tossed salad.  If you don’t know what that is, keep it that way.  Would anyone like the authentic meal of a cannibal?  What if a guy failed out of the Culinary House of Savory Hearty Italian Tastes, also known as the Culinary House of S.H.I.T.?  Would his authentic food taste great?  Food tastes good because you like it and has nothing to do with authenticity.

While they enjoyed their delicious authentic meal, they read the immunity clue. Jean-Robert was dumbfounded by the realization that there was an immunity idol.  Apparently, he hasn’t caught any Survivor shows for the last couple of years.  This is very funny because everyone else not only knows about the idol, but they know there are two of them, and they know James has them both.  James said, “This is big guys!”  James was getting drunk drinking wine and said something about getting the American Immunity Idol.  His slip of tongue reminded me of Hilary Clinton’s slip of tongue this week when she said, “When I become President again…”  Again?  Ugh!

Jean-Robert went back to camp and couldn’t sleep.  He spent the whole night looking for an immunity idol that no longer existed.  That’s like looking for an honest politician, a thoughtful husband, a supportive wife, or a straight male figure skater.  In the morning, he removed the remaining wooden pieces from the walkway.  He thought he could compare them and determine which one was the immunity idol.

For the immunity challenge, people had to sit and balance themselves on a barrel.  They fell off in this order:  Jean-Robert, Denise, James, Erik, Peih Gee, Amanda, and Todd.  The last two were Frosti and Courtney.  Believe it or not, Courtney won and every one finally realized her talent was the ability to spread her legs and balance herself on top of a large tube.  Courtney won immunity and didn’t have to worry about council.  She said she didn’t care who got voted off because she was just happy it wouldn’t be her.  I think that encapsulates what makes her so useless in the world of competition.  She doesn’t look beyond her next step.  Her level of competition is limited to knowing that it’s good to get the gumdrop card in Candy Land.

Watching Jean-Robert try to hustle Erik was quite enjoyable.  Jean-Robert told Erik that he had the immunity idol.  Erik said he knew for sure that James had two immunity idols.  Jean-Robert was shocked to learn that there were two idols.  What’s better than a virgin musician calling the bluff of a professional card player?  That’s as embarrassing as a punt returner being tackled by the punter, or me losing a 40 yard dash to a girl.  As I’ve stated before, she is an All-American and my hamstrings were tight.

During the day of council, it looked like the vote would be for James or Jean-Robert.  James felt safe, so he didn’t bring his idols to council.  He began to sweat bullets when his name came up not once, not twice, but three times.   James held at three votes, and Jean-Robert was voted off the tribe.  During his interview, he said the normal loser nonsense about being a big threat.  In truth, they were just tired of hearing him snore so loud, the homeless could hear him all the way to Tiananmen Square.

How about the Steelers this past Monday night!  I don’t mind losing a few bucks if it means the Steelers keep winning.  Have a great weekend!

Episode #9  Paris Worries about Drunk Elephants

The original two tribes were the Fighting Tigers and the Flying Dragons.  They now have a new tribe called the Drunken Elephants, sponsored by Paris Hilton.  I saw the headline the other day that read, ‘Paris worries about drunk elephants’ and I thought, “Wow!  Paris is worried that the elephants might need a drinking buddy.”  Another headline read, “Paris Hilton tries to help drunk elephants.”  The dance clubs have closed, the elephants go to a Sheetz, and they ordered two hundred chili cheese dogs with extra peanuts but they’re elephants, so they don’t have any money.  Paris picked up the tab.  The story was later retracted.  Apparently, she has so sympathy for the plight of drunk elephants.  I never read any of the stories because reading the headlines was enough for me.  This all has nothing to do with Survivor so let’s get on with it!

James spoke at the beginning of the show about how he had a close call at council when he received three votes.  Did the narrow escape force him to play an idol at the next council?  Of course not.  He’s playing with his life like all the girls do that marry Drew Peterson.  He must have total control of these clowns or he has some really big you know whats.  The others could always force him to play the idols, but the producers haven’t shown anything to that effect.  I wonder how he is getting away with it.  I have some ideas, but I don’t want to explain them.  If it plays out the way I think, I’ll tell you that I knew it all along, and you’ll have to wonder if I’m a genius or just full of crap.

For the reward challenge, each person on each team had a drum.  Working together, they had to bounce a ball on their drums without letting it drop to the ground as they navigated through a simple obstacle course.  Peih Gee and Erik had to pick teams.  With the first pick, Peih Gee picked James.  He turned out to be as big a bust as the Cincinnati Bengal’s previous #1 picks of Ki-Jana Carter, David Klinger and Dan Wilkinson.  To his defense, when everyone else was banging on their drums all day, he was probably working.  The fatal flaw in Peih Gee’s team was giving James the biggest drum.  The other team gave the biggest drum to Amanda and she never touched the ball.  She just walked along admiring the Chinese scenery.  The second flaw in Peih Gee’s team was Peih Gee using the smallest drum to bounce the ball.  Smallest surface area…duh!  Erik’s team went on to win easily three to nothing.

The last two picked for the reward challenge were Denise and Courtney.  It was the first time in Denise’s life she wasn’t chosen last.  With her newfound confidence, she went on to do nothing to help her team.  Similarly, Courtney did nothing to help her team.  I take that back.  At one point, the ball stayed alive when it hit off her drum.  I can’t say for sure that she was aware of it, but regardless the play continued.

For the reward, Erik, Frosti, Amanda, and Courtney went on a cruise down the Lee River.  This is the river where they make the jeans that Brett Favre wears in the Lee commercials.  I say in the commercials because I can’t imagine him actually wearing Lee jeans.  I don’t care how down to earth he is.  I wore my last pair of Lee jeans when I was in high school, and I know as much about style as Homer Simpson.  While on the cruise, they ate, drank, and flirted.  Frosti and Courtney have been showing a lot of affection.  In an interview with Amanda, she seems to show a lot of affection for Erik.  The cruise ship was turning into the Love Boat, and they set a course for adventure and their minds on a new romance.  They never showed anything, so our imagination has to do the work.  This makes two girls now for Erik.  These must be something very appealing about a virgin musician.  I know what I’m going to be in my next life.  With my luck, I’ll be a wash board playing whore from West Virginia. 

For the immunity challenge, Chinese Zodiac symbols were used for a memory game.  Jeff would call out the names of symbols, and everyone would have to remember the order.  The twist was a choice to compete for immunity or opt out and enjoy cheeseburgers, fries, and cold drinks.  James, Denise, Todd, and Courtney decided to eat.  Courtney did it because she had not gorged herself enough the previous night on the cruise.  Todd ate because he’s a little boy, and he’s still growing. James did it because he is a big hungry man, and Denise did it because she’s a big hungry man.

The first one out was Erik, and he screwed up on the first round.  Jeff only said five Zodiac symbols, so he has the memory of a worm.  I can understand if your wife tells you five things and your forget four or five of them, but this was for immunity and a million bucks.  What a dud!  Peih Gee went on to win and escaped what looked like an inevitable boot off the show. 

This made the two remaining Fighting Tigers expendable.  Erik or Frosti.  Frosti is young, athletic, and able to win individual immunity.  Erik…well, the chicks dig him.  Poor Frosti was voted off the show.  I would have voted off Erik because it would better my chances with the ladies, and I know I could still kick Frosti’s ass in anything other than doing flips over logs.  In Frosti’s exit interview, he said he got beat by a tiny flight attendant, a sassy New York waitress, and the lady with a mullet.  He will have to live with that humility and pain for the rest of his life.  Oh well, better him than me!

At the end of council, Jeff kept everybody because he said they have more business.  They didn’t show what it was, but everyone looked shocked.  We’ll see.  How about the Steelers comeback over the Browns?  Timmy likey.  The Steel Curtain is coming New England.  Prepare for defeat!  Have a great weekend.

The Whole is Greater than the Summary of its Parts

Thanksgiving is the perfect time to reflect for what I’m thankful.  Obviously my wife, kids, family, friends, yada, yada, yada.  Those are a given.  If you don’t say those first, you’re an idiot because you’re going to get “The Look” and a lecture is soon to follow.  To go beyond the obvious, I’m thankful for: Wendy’s being open until midnight, injuries to players on opposing fantasy football teams, self-stick envelopes, my DVR, peanut M&M’s, remote controls, “Going-out-of-Business” sales, condoms, waived late fees, merciful cops, casinos, Velcro shoes,  and Pittsburgh sports teams, even the ones that suck.  There are so many more, but I’m not allowed to list them, so let’s get to Survivor.

Tonight’s show was a summary show, so there were only a few new things and only some are worthy of commentary.  So let’s get it going.  In the first show, they went to a temple that was up a super long stairway.  Before entering the temple, the girls were given cloths to cover their Jinggang Mountains.  As of this moment, lawyers are discussing with the Chinese government about the need to install a giant escalator.  The American lawyers said that the escalator is necessary because the Americans with Disabilities Act grants access by all people to any public place.  The Chinese government responded, “We no in America.  We in China.”  When asked her opinion about this situation, Hilary Clinton firmly stated two opposing opinions.  After a week of flip-flopping, Hilary finally stated that she was in favor of the girls not covering their breasts.

We saw a little more into the first few days and the hunt for something to eat.  Some of the delicacies included worms, frogs, leaves, and sea celery.  Before eating the worms, they would try to squeeze the poop out of them.  Many people thought it was sick.  I didn’t think so, but then gross things don’t bother me.  For example, finding a hair in your food at a restaurant freaks most people.  Some just pretend to be freaked in order to get a free meal.  Hairs don’t bother me.  In fact, I just put the hairs to the side of my plate and keep eating.  When I’m done eating, if the hair is long enough, I’ll floss with it.

If you remember, Todd bitch-slapped Aaron into being the leader for the Fei Long tribe.  After deciding he didn’t like being the leader anymore, he woke everyone up for a “pow-wow.”  He said he relinquished the title of leader.  He immediately went on to tell everybody what to do and when to do it.  I don’t think he was that bossy when he was the boss.  While watching this segment with his family on Thanksgiving, he thought, “Man, am I dumb!”  He regrets that during the Thanksgiving blessing he thanked God for the opportunity to be on Survivor.  Now he is praying that nobody he knows remembered to watch tonight.

Leslie was cleaning the camp and threw away the fish heads that were bait for the next day’s fishing trip.  I don’t know if she was cleaning because she is obsessive compulsive or just trying to kiss everyone’s ass, but I do know this:  When she meets Aaron at the Dumb Club’s monthly meeting, she has plenty to talk about.

In a huff, Todd confronts Jean-Robert about a rumor that Jean-Robert blamed Todd for the loss in a puzzle challenge.  The rumor had been exaggerated so Todd ends up looking dumb enough to earn a guest pass at the Dumb Club’s annual skunk hunt.

Courtney has shown another skill besides balancing on barrels.  She is very good at doing impressions of the other tribe members.  She was doing very well, and everyone was laughing.  I like mocking people too.  When I was in college, I had a German Microeconomics professor that I would imitate before class.  People loved it.  I still remember the words, “Production possibilities.  You must understand!”  Someone stole her brief case, so she gave everyone essay tests for the rest of the semester.  I failed the class and changed majors.  I can thank Ursula for guiding me towards education.

I hope everyone enjoyed their turkey feast.  Have a great weekend!

Episode #10  The Sickest Man in America

The theme of tonight’s show was, “Don’t bite the apple.”  This was in reference to the Garden of Eden.  For all you non-church going sinners, the Garden of Eden is where Adam first started admiring Eve’s hooters.  James was trying to use it as a motivator for everyone to stick together and not be tempted by the Devil, AKA Peih Gee, or Erik, AKA the Virgin Musician.  I just thought of something.  Being a virgin musician, I wonder if he owns the record label, Virgin Records.  Anyway, with all the talk of not biting the apple I thought of the song by Squeeze and the lyrics, “Tempted by the fruit of another.  Tempted but the truth is discovered.  What's been going on?  Now that you have gone.  There's no other.”  I thought someone was going to bite it tonight that wasn’t expecting it, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself, so hold on for a minute.

At the last council, after they got rid of the guy with the corncob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal, Jeff said there was more business.  After waiting two long weeks, we find out they are going to have a reward challenge before leaving

council.  I can’t believe I sat around for two weeks waiting for a big twist.  I’ve been calling off work, and I sent my kids to foster care.  I hope Brittany Spears did a good job taking care of them.  The reward was a trip on a private jet to a Shaoling Temple for a Kung Fu demonstration, and a vegetarian dinner.

To win, they had to be the first person to answer five questions correctly about Chinese culture.  They were boring questions.  For example, is it true that the Chinese invented the abacus?  I thought of five questions that would be more interesting.  They are:  What was the occupation of Hong Kong Phooey’s alter ego?  Who invented the phrase, “Chinese, Japanese, Dirty knees, Look at these!”  Which common household pet is used in General Tso Chicken?  What percent of people never use the wok they receive as a wedding present?  Translate this sentence: Johnny’s erection was regal.  You might have to think about that last one a little.  Here’s a hint: Replace the r’s with l’s.  I will give a special prize and recognition in a future summary to the person who answers the most questions correctly.  Go to the E-mail Me page and give me your answers.

Peih Gee won and chose Erik and Denise to go with her to the Temple.  At the temple, we find out that the lunch lady is actually working on her black belt.  For a group of children, she demonstrated what she does to American children that do not eat her macaroni and cheese.

For the immunity challenge, each person threw three stars at stationary targets worth different amounts of points.  After throwing the three stars, the top three point getters advanced to the finals.  Four people tied with six points.  They were Erik, James, Amanda, and amazingly Courtney.  The other amazing display of skill was Peih Gee throwing a star at a target twenty feet away and hitting the ground five feet in front of her.  If she held the star in her hand above her head and fell forward, she would have come closer to the target.  For the finals, each person threw one star, and the target was moved ten feet further away.  Erik won and avoided a possible elimination at the next pit stop.  Sorry, wrong show.

Back at camp, a coup d'état was forming with Amanda suggesting that it was the right time to take out James.  Peih Gee finally learns that James has the immunity idol.  She’s like the last person to find out we never put anyone on the moon.  That’s probably not a good analogy because most of you probably think we did.  I don’t want to list all the evidence against a lunar landing so consider these two simple points:  Why does the flag wave on the moon when there is no wind?  Why is there no blast hole under the Lander or dust settling on the Lander?

At council, you have to wonder if James thinks he could possibly get enough votes or any votes at all.  Does he play one of the idols or not?  He didn’t play an idol, and he got four votes.  He has to be the sickest man in America, or China, or wherever he is right now.  Even if he didn’t win any more immunity, he could have played the idols at the next two councils and made it to the final five.  Wow!  That’s like Dora the Explorer being lost in the Haunted Jungle and not using Map to show her the way.  It’s like Wonder Woman being shot at by Marcia, the Nazi spy and not using her bracelets to deflect the bullets.  It’s like me playing any sport and not using my hands and legs, which I call my Weapons of Mass Sports Domination.  The lesson here is to use all the weapons at your disposal, and don’t leave anything on the table.  I was hoping that James left the idols back at camp and everyone would run back to camp in order to find them.  That would be worth seeing!

Episode #11 If Nobody’s Lookin’, the Lunch Lady’s Cookin’

            I don’t know how much I’ve got in me tonight.  I wasn’t able to watch the show until 10:00, and I’m already so tired I’m losing my mind.  Today at work, I got on the elevator.  After a while, the door opened.  I walked past someone getting on the elevator only to realize that I was still on the same floor.  Alright, I exaggerated a little.  It is true that several times I’ve forgotten to press a button.  After a while, I think, “What the heck?”  I then realize that I forgot to press another floor.

            Tonight’s show was heartwarming because everyone got to see a loved one.  Each person was introduced at the reward challenge.  They included Erik’s Mom, Amanda’s sister, Peih Gee’s dad, Todd’s sister, Courtney’s dad, and Denise’s husband.  Todd and his sister Brandy’s hug reminded me of wives hugging their husbands after they come back from war.  To me, it looked a little too friendly.  I was thinking, “Brandy, You’re a fine girl.  What a good wife you will be, but your Todd, your love and your brother is illegal.”  Todd asked how his other sister was doing.  Brandy told him that she had miscarried.  Now come on!  Jonny Fairplay’s grandmother died and Todd’s sister miscarried.  I’m waiting for someone to say that their wife’s breasts exploded during a boob job.  The funny part is nobody would ever take the chance of calling his bluff and later finding out that it was true.  Todd claimed later on during the show, that the information was true and his emotions were sincere.  Whatever!

Fortunately, for the family members, the reward wasn’t a food eating challenge.  Instead, blindfolded family members and survivors started at opposite ends of a giant maze.  They had to navigate their way through the maze and be the first to meet on a platform in the center.  Amanda and her sister were making goofy sounds to locate each other, but it didn’t work because they were nowhere close to winning.  Peih Gee and her dad found each other, but they were on opposite sides of a fence, so her dad did the next best thing.  He pointed her towards the center of the maze.  Only two problems, Lawrence, there are fences standing between Peih Gee and the platform, and there is a blindfold between her eyes and where she is looking.  If Peih Gee were deaf, Lawrence would have told her not to listen to the two girls making bird sounds.

             Denise and her husband Robert eventually made it to the center of the maze and won a boat trip, dinner, and a phone call from a Sprint phone.  Sprint has fast reliable service at competitive rates.  Now that I’ve also pimped myself for Sprint, I want to see some money in the mail.  Denise was allowed to pick two other people and their family members.  She picked Todd and Amanda.  Katrina, Amanda’s sister, started crying when they were picked to go on reward with Denise.  Talk about taking advantage of your 15 minutes of fame.  She already got a free trip to China.  Now she’s crying because she’s going to have dinner.  I suppose she cries every night before dinner.  She probably cries when she opens her door and sees that a telephone book has been delivered.

            During dinner, Amanda had an orgasmic moment when she saw a chocolate cake.  That’s a good thing for all her future boyfriends to remember.  Todd and Amanda were kind enough to bring back some of the cake on their fingers for everyone to lick.  That would be a cunning trick for someone with a finger-sucking fetish, which reminds me of the urban legend of a girl going home, putting some peanut butter on her you-know-what, and calling her dog, only to have her friends and family jump out to surprise her for her birthday.  I just want to say that’s not a legend.  It happened to my brother’s Dad’s son’s brother.  Now wait a second.  That would be me.  To protect the not so innocent, let’s say it was my brother’s friend’s cousin’s sister. Robert, Katrina, and Brandy got to stay overnight at the camp.  This time Katrina cried because she hadn’t slept since the previous night.  Denise wanted some happy time with Robert, so she sent everyone on a snipe hunt.  They finally had some privacy, and if nobody’s lookin’, the lunch lady’s cookin’.  They didn’t show any of this.  I’m just extrapolating.  For my fraternity brothers, that means I’m assuming unknown information from known information.  When the family members were leaving, there was a moment where Robert and Denise were tenderly kissing goodbye that reminded me of the final airport scene in Casablanca when Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart said goodbye.  I was touched and needed a tissue.

            For the immunity challenge, everyone had to tie unto a long rope, navigate an obstacle course situated in a swamp, answer questions to receive keys, and be the first to open three locks.  It looked grueling so of course Todd or Erik didn’t win.  Peih Gee won the immunity necklace and was safe at council.

            Back at camp, Erik had to start working some virgin magic on Denise.  After all, she is number four out of six on the totem pole.  If she would vote for Todd, it would be possible to move up to three out of five.  Who knows after that?  Erik’s magic didn’t work, and he was voted out by the Fei Long people in a 4-2 vote.  Erik probably didn’t care because he was going to spend the rest of his time with Jaime in China gaining weight and losing innocence.  Don’t be surprised if at next week’s council, we see a big smile on his face.  Only two weeks left, so who will win?  It might be Peih Gee because they will get rid of Denise because nobody has anything against her except for the kids she feeds.  Todd is gone because he’s the top dog.  Amanda won’t win because she was a beauty queen, which means all the women already despise her.  Courtney won’t win because she was practically worthless for 39 days, other than a few back rubs and balancing on a barrel.  We’ll see. 

            Have a great weekend.  This week is Steelers and Patriots.  I really should bet on the Patriots just to better the Steelers chances of winning, but I think that I’m betraying my Black and Gold.  I don’t think I can do it.  I used the word I or me nine times in this paragraph.  This needs to stop.  You all take care now!

Episode #12  The Fighting Tigers Fight No More

It’s Survivor Finale Week.  After tonight’s show we have one down, one to go, another town one more show.  With Survivor China winding down, I wanted to give special recognition to the Chinese Auction.  In case you’re wondering, the object is to buy tickets, stick them in baskets, and hope your ticket gets pulled.  If it does, you win that basket of prizes, gift certificates, etc.  I’m only explaining this because I don’t want any Chinese people thinking that I’m promoting the auctioning of Chinese people. I don’t know why it’s called a Chinese Auction, but I don’t care.  All I know is that when it comes to Chinese Auctions, I kick ass.  Last week, my wife and I took the kiddies to Breakfast with Santa.  I bought $20.00 worth of tickets and won three different baskets.  The baskets totaled around $300.00 worth of gift certificates and gifts.  The first thing I thought was, why can’t I win like this in Atlantic City?  I then had an epiphany.  I’m playing the wrong games.  The next time I go to Atlantic City or Las Vegas, I’m looking for Chinese Auctions.

I just thought of a Budweiser Great American Hero commercial.  We salute you, Tender of the Ticket, Benefactor of the Basket, Ching Chinger of the Chinese Auction.  Most people spend $5.00 on tickets, while you raid your kid’s college funds in the hopes of winning a 10% off coupon at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  While others forget to sign the back of their tickets, you bring your own name stamper.  You wouldn’t think twice to swipe all your tickets with a glue-stick.  If a basket is full, you’ll even take other people’s tickets and put them in the “Panty Hose From Around the World” basket.  So here’s to me:  Mr. Chinese Auction Multiple Gift Basket Winner.

Speaking of something great, tonight’s reward challenge had a great reward.  The winner flew in a Great private jet to the Great Wall of China, where they would have a Great meal, and get a Great night of sleep on the Great Wall.  GREAT!  To tell you the truth, I wasn’t that impressed with the wall.  Sure it’s big, but there were a lot of people working on it.  A Chinese proverb says, “Many hands, makes light work.”  Did a million people work for a day or two?  Who knows?  I was more impressed with the Snowman I build last week.  It was about five feet tall.  Its eyes, nose, mouth, and buttons were made out of pink golf tees.  I put a beer bottle on its hip, so I was forced to drink a beer in the middle of the afternoon.  I put a “Dear John, Toilet Rentals” hat on the snowman to complete the masterpiece.  To the credit of the Great Wall, it’s still standing.  My Great Snowman is gone already.  Damn that global warming propaganda!

To win reward, each person had to hit targets by shooting arrows from a replica 4^th century repeating crossbow, crossbow.  Each person was given five arrows, but before they began, they had to privately place their arrows in everyone else’s holders.  It would make sense to give no arrows to the person you don’t want to win, and give the most arrows to the person you don’t think could possibly win.  Enter Peih Gee and Courtney.  Nobody likes Peih Gee, she was given one arrow, and nobody thinks Courtney could drop a coin and have it hit the ground.  She received 12 arrows.  Todd had six, Denise had two, and Amanda had four.  Peih Gee knows nobody likes her, Denise knows she’s on the bottom of the totem pole, and Courtney thinks she was given so many because everyone likes her.  It’s probably good for her self-esteem to think everyone likes her so much.  Why tell her and burst her bubble.  It’s like the old man watching a replay during a football game and thinking his team scored again.  Why tell him?  His game is a lot more interesting.  That’s a Stephen Wright joke.  While trying to hit her own targets, Courtney managed to his most of Denise’s and Denise won the reward.  Denise decided to take Courtney and Todd with her.

Back at camp, Peih Gee bonded with Amanda in a conversation where they used the word ‘like’ with the frequency of farts in the bean-eating scene in Blazing Saddles, and the frequency of Major League Baseball players using steroids combined.  This made Peih Gee think she might have found the crack she wanted.  When Denise, Todd, and Courtney returned from the trip, Todd complained about the reward food.  He also complained about the apparent majority of the rice that Peih Gee and Amanda ate.  Denise told Amanda that she had made sandwiches to bring back, but Todd had eaten them on the plane.  I’m not sure if Todd is a spoiled bitch or if he is trying to guaranty his way to the final two.  After all, if you can’t beat Todd head to head, then you deserve to be in the finals as much as Al Gore deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

For the Immunity Challenge, they rehashed prior challenges, eliminating one person at each round.  In the first round, Todd was eliminated when he let four girls accumulate more points in throwing stars at a target.  Nice job Stud!  In the second round, Denise was eliminated when once again she couldn’t eat a baby bird.  After failing twice in the eating competition, I think she’ll have more understanding for kids who roll up their noses at the sight of Beef-a-Roni.  Courtney was eliminated in the third round because couldn’t bounce the ball on the drum.  The amazing thing here is that she made it to the third round.  Kudos Courtney!  In the final round, Peih Gee and Amanda had to chop ropes, which released eight puzzle pieces that needed assemble into the proper sequence.  In a close battle, Amanda slightly beat out Peih Gee.  The amazing thing here is still:  Courtney made it to the third round.

Back at camp and at council, the producers made it look like Peih Gee was gaining support in the idea of voting for Todd.  When the votes were tallied, everyone voted for Peih Gee.  I was wrong again for another prediction.  I guess nobody wants to face her in the finals because she would be a very deserving person and get many juror votes.  This is a bit ironic because they like her as much as they like toe jam.  Oh well, as I’ve written many times.  Always bet against what I think.

Don’t forget the finale is Sunday.  If I don’t have the summary done in time for Monday morning, look for it on Tuesday.  If I don’t have it by then, look for me in the Chinese Auction room of any casino.  If you’re a Steelers fan, don’t worry.  We’ll see New England again in the playoffs, and the outcome will be different.  Oh shoot.  Did I just make a prediction?  Go New England!  Go New England!

Episode #13  “Lying, Cheating, Hurting”

I was playing an intense game of Candy Land today when I remembered Survivor was on later that night.  I’m glad I did because I was planning on seeing a movie.  It’s not difficult to picture myself in the theater realizing that the finale was on TV.  Panic would be followed by sweating and a rise in my body temperature.  It’s the same feeling you get when you lose your patience with the kids in your class, yell at them, and realize the principal is standing out in the hallway.  Anyway, the finale is done, so it’s time to summarize!

As everyone knows, sex sells, so I don’t think the producers ever anticipated Denise going as far as she did.  The optimal situation would be four young good-looking people with very little clothing making it to the final four.  Unfortunately, for us, we saw Denise stripping down for a swim.  The situation worsened when she was swimming because at one point she breached.  I wasn’t sure if her red undergarment was underwear, a bathing suit, or a super-sized pull-up. 

Before the reward challenge, Courtney was considering the possibility of winning a challenge.  That’s like an eight year old thinking he can catch ducks with Duck Tape.  Yes, I know it’s duct tape, but the analogy works better if I spell it incorrectly.  The reward challenge was an obstacle course that required everyone to assemble two puzzles along the way.  One puzzle was a bridge and the other a portion of a miniature Great Wall of China.  Amanda won pizza, beer, soft drinks, and brownies.  She had to make the decision to eat it all by herself, pick one other person, or pick two people to share it.  She chose to share the meal with Todd.  At this point, I was thinking about whether or not Todd could beat the other girls in anything.

On the way to the immunity challenge, the remaining survivors had to take a walk down memory lane.  They would show some scenes of that person along with some audio of that person reflecting on their experience.  Dave had a notable quote in that he thought helping people was his downfall.  I thought being a jackass might have done it, but that’s just me.  What does a poor farm boy from Possum Hollow know?

They finally arrived at the Giant Statue of Kwan Yin, which is the Chinese Goddess of Compassion and Mercy.  I find it a little ironic that some ruler forced slaves to build a statue for the Goddess of Compassion and Mercy.  I could be wrong.  It could have been built by a bunch of gung-ho Buddhists priests with a lot of free time on their hands.

The challenge was to support with one hand a variety of porcelain dishes placed with the other hand on the end of a small balance beam.  This might take some strength, so Todd should do well.  WRONG!  He was the first one to drop the dishes.  He has all the strength of a weak 10-year old.  The next to go was Courtney.  She obviously has the strength of a weak 11-year old or Karen Carpenter during her Anorexic years.  It came down to Denise and Amanda.  Denise looked like she was struggling a little, so she tried to make a deal to vote for each other.  Amanda rejected the idea and won.  Amanda is probably a tennis player and was able to do so well in this challenge because of having a stronger wrist.  Denise was able to do well because her wrists are strong from scraping out huge ladles of creamed corn or sweet potatoes.

When I was in grade school, the lunch ladies would call one table at a time to the counter for seconds.  One day, they had sweet potatoes.  I thought awesome; I love sweet potatoes, but crap, I’m sitting at one of the far tables.  They’ll run out before they get to me.  To my pleasant surprise, I was able to get a second helping.  What I didn’t know was that I was the only kid in the whole school to get seconds.  Everyone thought I was gross, and I didn’t have a girl friend for five or six years.  To this day at Thanksgiving time, I make sure someone else takes and eats the sweet potatoes before I do.  I’m not sticking my neck out again!

With the immunity idol, Amanda was safe.  Todd seemed safe because he was such a schemer.  Courtney was safe because she was a free loader.  The logical person to vote out was Denise.  Denise was trying to play a sympathy card of having to go back to her $7.00 per hour lunch lady job.  I thought WOW!  They make that much.  It didn’t work.  Courtney said she didn’t deserve to win because she sucks at life.  Once again, I thought WOW!  They make that much money.  And yeah, Courtney is a nasty bitch.

At council, Denise had cleverly reminded Amanda that Amanda had promised Denise that she had her back.  Amanda awkwardly tried to explain that she didn’t promise her today, but in a prior situation.  Apparently, there is a statute of limitations in promising to have someone’s back.  Todd laughed, further embarrassing Amanda.  After voting out Denise, they went back to camp.  Amanda confronted Todd, and it became his turn to sound like a babbling idiot.

The next day was the 39^th day, and they went to their final tribal council.  Each person started with a short speech of why they should win, and then they shook some hands and kissed some babies.  Each juror member then had a chance to question/monologue.  I usually dread this because some bitter person delivers a monologue that leaves no doubt of why they didn’t make it to the finals.  I experienced this same fear of a monologue Friday night when I saw John Mellencamp.  I love his music, but his politics are screwy.  In case he started some liberal rant, I was prepared to start a chant of, “Sing a Song, Sing a Song!”  Fortunately, he kept his mouth shut and just sang.  If you think about it, that’s not an easy thing to do.  It wasn’t easy for Jamie or Denise.  Jamie was still carrying some anger and Denise never asked a question.  She just complained about their ethics.

While voting, Frosti kissed his card.  I was hoping that he voted for one of the girls otherwise someone else might be coming out of the closet.  Jean-Robert didn’t want to vote for anyone, so he gave them each a chance to win his vote.  Todd said he backstabbed Jean-Robert because he was his biggest strategic competitor.  It was revealed during the Reunion Show that once again, Todd played Jean-Robert like Johnny Hooker and Henry Gondorff played Doyle Lonnegan in The Sting.  I have to question Jean-Robert’s card playing ability considering how easily a Mormon flight attendant gets over on him.  Todd should have officially designated Jean-Robert his life-long bitch during the Reunion Show.

Todd won with four votes.  I guess people respected his scheming, which reminded me of the Led Zeppelin song, You’re Time is Gonna Come, with the lyrics, “Lyin’, cheatin’, hurtin’, that’s all you seem to do.”  Courtney had two votes, and Amanda had one vote.  Amanda’s vote came from Jeff Probst because he has a way of getting smooth with the contestants.  There were a couple other notable things from the Reunion show.  Todd was sporting a mullet as a tribute to Denise.  Denise said she lost her job as a lunch lady because her fame was causing too many distractions.  Like what?  More kids started standing in line to buy Salisbury steak.  Mark Burnett told Jeff during a commercial that he was going to give her $50,000, which Jeff announced during the show.  That was a classy move, although I wonder if Denise was playing everyone.  Maybe she was promoted to Head Lunch Lady and now she’s making $7.25 per hour.  James was given $100,000 by Sprint for being the most popular Survivor.  I wish Sprint would have taken that $100,000 dollars and built a tower in my neighbor’s yard so that I could have reception in my own home.  Jeff asked Jaime if she was dating Erik the Virgin.  She said yes.  Jeff commented that Erik had made it clear during the show that he was a virgin.  Jeff then asked if he still was.  I thought after a couple of dates with that lying tramp, no way!  Erik said, “Of course I am.”  This is code for “Yes, because my parents are watching, but in reality we’re banging each other like loose boards on a barn in a windstorm.”

Well that’s all folks!  As I requested in the past, I’m curious to see where people live.  If you could email me just the name of the town, state, or wherever you live, I’d appreciate it.  I don’t forward nothin’ to nobody, so don’t worry!  Also, if anyone knows any of the Survivor contestants, tell them to read my literary masterpieces and let me know what they think, or at the very least, what you think.   A guy named Henry emails me who is a contestant on The Amazing Race – Asia.  It’s always nice to hear from him.

I look forward to February for Survivor Micronesia where they will have previous popular losers on the show compete against a new crop of losers.  Jeff said one of China’s contestants would be in Micronesia.  Maybe it’s James and they let him start the show with two immunity idols that he is contractually required to use.