Survivor Satire

Episode #1 Somebody Choked My Chicken

There was a lot of hype for this season’s show, and I understand why.  No one could wait to see Jeff Probst sporting his new straw hat.  Besides Jeff trying to capture the “Head-Football-Coach-During-Pre-Season” look, another issue that created much public attention was the division of teams by ethnicity.  Parvati wanted to know if the ethnic groups were kosher.  That all depends on how liberal the rabbi is.  Some criticize the Producers for stirring racial animosity.  I disagree.  If they really wanted to stir things up, they could have had an accounting team of Jews, and a splinter cell of Islamic Jihadists.  Even better yet, a clan of bald white supremacist and a salon of flaming homosexual hairstylists.  Others say it was a gimmick to gain back some market share that was lost to Dancing with the Stars.  I agree with this as much as I agree with Rosie O’Donnell’s claim that Christianity is just as dangerous as the Islamic extremists.  When is the last time some Christian parents sent their kid into a church to blow themselves to Kingdom Come?  I don’t think it has happened yet, but I’m not taking any chances.  This week at church, if I see any little boy with a suspicious Bob the Builder backpack, I’m going to rip it off his back and throw it at the nearest Cleveland Browns fan.

The producers defend themselves by claiming they are accused of not having enough diversity.  They’ve certainly caught up because when I was typing everyone’s name into the computer, my spell checker went berserk.  Many of the names are misleading.  For example, Ozzy is not an aging, pot-bellied, brain damaged Caucasian heavy metal musician, rather he is a Mexican waiter in Southern California.  Actually, it’s another guy in his tribe named Billy that is the overweight, heavy metal musician.  I was just wondering what was more common: a Mexican waiter in Southern California, a Cuban waiter in Miami, or a French soldier behind enemy lines.  It’s definitely not the French soldier.  Another example is Nate Gonzales.  You would think he was on the Hispanic team, but no.  He’s on the black team.  When I say black team, I don’t mean their team color, I mean the African American team.  Let’s face it, it’s just easier to type black.  I guess it would be a little over the top if the African American team was the black team, the Caucasian team was the white team, the Asian team was the yellow team, and the Hispanic team was…I don’t know.  To avoid this dilemma, the producers made the white team blue, the black team yellow, the yellow team green, and the team with the nice tans red.  I hope I’ve cleared this up for everyone.  Speaking of people’s names, how about Candice Woodcock?  I bet she can’t wait to get married.  It must be hard for Candice to deal with stiff competition from the guys in her tribe.  Do you think she was up all night because when they curl up and sleep, it must be tough to know who is behind whom?  I think I’ve written enough about her name, unless I think of something else.

            I began to see some interesting behaviors in the show tonight.  Cao Boi, pronounced cowboy, wins first place for the most racial comments.  He also wins first place for saying ‘bad wind’ the most.  Brad had a headache, so Cao Boi began some massage techniques on his face and forehead.  Cao Boi quickly ascertained that Brad had received a touch of bad wind.  He marked Brad with an indicator, and Brad claimed the headache went away only to develop a huge red mark on his forehead from the massaging.  Cao Boi claims that everyone always underestimates the Asians.  I did in college because I lost $10 bucks playing a tennis match against a little Asian named Phong.  Actually, I can’t say I lost it because I intimidated him with my size and never paid him.  Cao Boi also said he probably belongs in a hippy community.  Don’t we all?

            Rebecca from the African American team said it was good to be in different racial groups because it would be nice to show that, “Yes, black people do know how to swim, we just don’t run track.”  She had better be correct, or it’s going to be a short visit to the island.

            At the beginning of the show, tribes were given two minutes to grab everything they could scavenge off the boat including live chickens.  The last time I saw this many people choking their chickens was during the Great Condom Shortage of 1996.  Jonathan grabbed another tribe’s chicken and later paid for it by being sent to Exile Island.  The guys from Hiki said he was bizzle.  I don’t know what this means, unless they meant to say drizzle, but that doesn’t even make sense.  How about chisel?  No.  Fizzle, Sizzle.  No and no again.  I looked up bizzle in the dictionary and the closest I came was bizarre.  That can actually work because it would be bizarre to choke someone else’s chicken and think you can get away with it.

            The reward/immunity challenge was to put some puzzles together, including the actual boat that was going to be paddled, get a torch, and light a fire.  Puka, Aitu, and Raro came in first, second, and third respectively.  Hiki came in last so they didn’t get any flint.  They cheered when they found out they got to pick the person from another tribe to go to Exile Island.  They must have forgotten that to achieve this honor, they would have to vote off one of their own that night.  That’s like being excited to be the first person to play 52 card pickup.

            Stay tuned next week to see if Candice Woodcock will get up for the next competition, and if Jessica, AKA Flicka will get booted for accidentally letting the chickens run loose.

Episode #2  Isn’t Love Grand?

            There was an event in last night’s show that was as shocking as Janet Jackson showing her hooters during the Super Bowl.  I know this to be true because I Tevoed last night’s shocker just as many times as the hooter highlight.  In order to build the suspense I will write about it a little later.  Yes, I know you’re clever, and I know you can jump ahead, so now I won’t write about it, just to spite you party poopers out there.

            Aitu was the featured tribe last night, so you knew somebody was being voted off their island.  There was some tension between Ozzy and Cristina.  He thought it was because she was a cop or maybe because he’s a lot younger than her.  Sorry Ozzy.  It’s because you’re a freakin’ waiter.  Nobody takes any crap from waiters.  That’s like my company’s maintenance guy questioning me about being late when he’s late every day.  Nobody takes crap from any maintenance guy.  Except me.  I wrote an apology letter to him, and I promised I wouldn’t be late any more. 

Billy was being a slacker around camp.  He claimed that his strategy was to conserve energy.  He would let everyone else do his work and bring him food.  This may be a good strategy if you live in New Orleans and you think the Government caused Katrina, but in Survivor, if you use this strategy, you are destined for the post-game shower and feast.  In Billy’s case this isn’t such a bad option.  Due to Billy’s laziness, J.P. and Ozzie decided to throw the challenge, go to tribal council, and vote Billy off the island.  This has to be one of the worst ideas ever conjured up by a human being.  They only have five people, and they wanted purposefully to delete 20% of their tribe.  As I’m sitting here trying to think of an analogy to compare their stupidity, I realized something.  The move might be brilliant.  If they win the challenge, they will have to keep feeding 20% of their food to a sleeping sloth.  If they eventually lose, they would vote him off anyway.  Now when they compete in the challenges, they don’t have a weak link.  I’m not including the two girls, for argument’s sake.  Speaking of the two girls, Celia is walking around with one sock pulled up to her knee, and she always sits in a way to show her body’s best features.  Cristina was sweeping palms with one of the paddles.  This gives the same result as stirring water with a toothpick…nothing!  Poser and Sweeper went along with the plan and they voted Billy off the island.  The only other significant thing from the immunity challenge was the tie between Rara and Puka.  At first, Jeff called Puka the winners.  Because they play by college rules, coaches cannot ask for a challenge, so the challenge had to come from the replay booth.  Jeff went over and started reviewing video in the replay booth.  As everyone knows, the video must show irrefutable video proof to overrule the call on the obstacle course.  Jeff returned to the finish line of the obstacle course and said, “After reviewing the finish, Rara and Puka tied and will both be awarded the two tarps.  Rara will not be charged with a timeout.” 

The conversation became a little heated at tribal council when Billy dropped the bomb.  He said, “My prize isn’t even the million dollars.  It’s that I, I fell in, I fell in love in this game.”  If you’re like me, at this point you’re thinking he sounds like Adam Sandler in the wa..wa..Waterboy.  My second thought was wondering if he was in love with the Poser or the Sweeper.  He might be thinking that the Poser is kind of sexy, but the Sweeper is kind of domesticated in her own little dysfunctional way.  It’s the age old desire for men to want a maid in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.  My third thought was maybe this Hispanic Heavy Metalist might be rocking his way into the heart of Ozzy the waiter.  Well, none of the above.  He said, “It was love at first sight.  Her name is Candice Woodcock.”  He didn’t say Woodcock.  I just can’t help writing it whenever I get a chance.  He went on to say, “After the last challenge, we sorta mouthed the words ‘I love you’ to each other.”  The two girls laughed aloud, and Jeff’s eyes popped out of his head.  Jeff said, “I’ve never heard anything that surprised me more than what you just said.  What would she base feeling the same way you feel on?”  I’ll let Jeff’s use of a preposition at the end of the sentence slide because that is the kindest way anyone has ever asked, “What can she possibly see in you?”  Jeff ended the show by saying two issues immerged at council: work ethic and trust.  I ask, “What about love?”  Tina Turner would ask, “What’s love got to do, got to do with it?”  It only gets funnier when I realized that Billy’s Fantasy Island was based on some reality.  After watching the show a second time, this is exactly what happened.  After losing the challenge, the Hispanic and white tribe were standing by each other.  Candice Woodcock bumped Billy’s elbow and said, “I feel really bad for you guys.”  Billy replied, “I’m next.”  Candice Woodcock said, “We love you.”  Billy answered, “I love you.”  In his mind, he may have heard her say, “Take me to your poorly constructed, but freshly swept shelter and make sweet love to me you heavy metal god!”  In reality, she said, “If you were Caucasian, we’d vote your white ass off too.”

It’s time for a RANDOM RANT.  I get so tired of people getting caught up in clothing styles and trends.  It costs an exorbitant amount of money trying to keep up with anything.  Every style comes and goes.  Women’s shoes for example.  Last year pointed, this year square, next year steel toed.  I wear tennis shoes with everything.  They are the most comfortable shoe I have, and if I’m ever mugged, I can run just as fast as the old lady trying to take my wallet.  As far as clothing, I prefer to wear one style forever.  That way I’ll be in style every 15 to 20 years.  For example, when I go to the gym, I wear striped gym shorts over my gray sweat pants.  I might look a little silly now, but in another ten years, I’ll be ahead of the curve.  People will be envious of my vision and my stylish retro look.  Don’t be a sucker for fashion.  Wear what’s comfortable.  If you decide to wear sweat pants, one tip:  Try not to get too excited.  It will show!

During one scene, Cao Boi was making jokes about Asians.  Everyone told him to go to sleep, but he kept on going.  Yul-Tide said. “When you make jokes on racial prejudice, it just might confirm things in people’s minds that don’t know any better.”  That is Loser Statement #2.  Loser Statement #1 was when Yul-Tide went on to say, “It’s good to have a sense of humor, but if it’s at the expense of a particular ethnic group, I don’t think that’s cool.”  So much for Yul-Tide, he’s a buzz killer.  If you can’t make fun of race what can you poke fun at, mock, and ridicule?  Homos?  NO!  Retards? NO!   Women?  No!  But who can blame you if you do?  I guess it’s always alright to make fun of bald guys.  Well, I’ve had enough.  I don’t want anyone teasing me about going bald ever again.

I’ll end this week with some small but worthy notes.  Jessica, AKA Flicka, AKA Rollergirl looked like Pippy Longstocking with a freaky-bad hair day.  She is also wearing two high blue socks.  Her hero is High Socks Sally.  The Hiki tribe wants to represent well, but Nate couldn’t start fire with a flint.  After quitting in frustration, Rebecca started it in just a few moments.  The few moments were edited TV time, so it might have taken seven or eight hours.  I think that’s all.

Episode #3  “I’m not thinking ahead.”

            I now believe that some people’s essence can be summarized in a single sentence that they speak.  Those words were spoken by Flicka last night when Jonathan was discussing strategy with her.  After hearing her say that, it makes me think she’s the kind of person who sits down on the toilet and doesn’t check the toilet paper situation.  She’s just happy to sit.  She’s the kind of person that smokes two packs a day and then wonders why she gets out of breath looking for a pack of matches.  She’s the kind of person that stops traffic because she’s in the wrong lane trying to cross over another lane of traffic to turn into a Starbucks so she can get a grande caramel café macchiato.  Do you get my point?  He also discussed with her the topic of alliances.  She said, “I’m not here for alliances.  I just want to make friends.”  If the first quote doesn’t give you a true picture of her aptitude then the second has to make it pretty clear.  I’m sure there’s a direct correlation between aptitude and the ability to strategize.  Therefore, since experience is probably a greater factor in the ability to formulate strategy, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt that she’s not as stupid as she appears.

            The show started with Jeff having everyone throw in their buffs.  It was time for realignment.  Yes, the racial lines had been drawn and erased in less time than it takes Anna Nicole Smith to seduce a millionaire.  At first two male and two female groups were picked, and each male group was aligned with a female group forming Aitu in red and Rara in blue.  The new tribes went back to their camps.  In the wake of the “I love Candice,” bomb that Billy dropped, Cecilia quickly went to Candice and asked her, “Is it true that your name is Woodcock?”  She said the name came from George Washington, who apparently had more than wooden teeth.  I’m sorry, I can’t help it.  Am I being too juvenile?  By the way, Candice looks like the MP Officer that Bill Murray hooks up with in Stripes.  In an unrelated comparison, Jonathan’s voice sounds like Howard Stern’s.  In an even more unrelated thought, Brad, the Fashion Director, is probably gay.

            This week’s Random Rant is about seafood.  It really bothers me when people say they don’t like seafood.  It’s not because I’m an ocean junkie.  In fact, I’d rather have a nice piece of veal at the expense of some baby cow any day of the week.  I just don’t like people excluding an entire group of food.  These people are as senseless as someone who says they don’t like fruit.  Apples taste a lot different from bananas.  I think people don’t like seafood for one of four equally lame reasons.  #1 They were fussy little brats when they were kids, and their pickiness lead them to a life of Doritos for dinner and chocolate pudding for dessert.  Now, everything tastes yucky.  #2 They got food poisoning from the House of Cheng $3.99 seafood buffet in Wildwood, New Jersey.  #3 They say they don’t like the way it smells.  These are the people that have no idea how bad their own breath or body odor really is.  #4 Others will say that they tried it once and the seafood tasted bad.  With oysters having the consistency of snot, What kind of nonsense is that?  Besides, every type of fish has a different taste, and you can cook every kind of fish 500 different ways just like chicken.  Just look at how many ways Bubba tells Forest Gump you can cook shrimp.  Do you think Forest would have pursued the shrimping business if there was only one way to prepare shrimp?  I remember being in the third grade when I kissed a girl for the first time.  Never mind the fact I got paid a quarter to kiss her.  I remember thinking that I had a yucky taste on my lips.  I’m glad that experience didn’t make me stop kissing girls.  I never would have learned that girls come in so many yummy flavors.    

For the immunity challenge, each group was tied together by a rope and each person had to carry a 15 pound bag.  Each group had to trudge through the water around a large roped off section in the water in order to catch up to the other tribe.  For some unknown reason they had to knock someone down in the water once they caught up to the other group.  That extra element added as much excitement as going to a baseball game and learning that Hilary Clinton would be throwing out the first pitch.  Four girls in Aitu quickly dropped out of the race, so they had to give their bags to the guys to carry.  This immediately gave Rara a huge advantage.  The Rara girls proceeded to drop out giving up the advantage.  I guess it didn’t matter because Rara went on to win anyway.  The winning tribe got to send a person from the losing tribe to Exile island.  The chosen person would have immunity for that night’s council.  They picked Candice Woodcock.  This screwed up an alliance with Yul, Becky, Candice Woodcock, Jonathan, and Flicka.  Yul had decided to tell Becky earlier that he had found the immunity idol.  He also promised her that if they get in the situation where he could save her butt, he would do it.  Now with Becky on the chopping block, he might have his promise put to an early test.  Fortunately for Yul, the easily confused and easily persuaded Flicka voted for Cecilia along with Cao Bou whose fortune cookie said, “Good fortune comes to those who vote off tall Mexican Chicks.  Your lucky number is 13.”   I was a little surprised to see a cute Mexican voted off so quickly.  Oh well, what can you do?

Episode #4  The Hunt for Feathered Boobies

            Cao Boi has the perfect mix of annoying behaviors and stupidity that makes him the ideal target for an ass whooping by everyone he encounters.  He told stupid Asian jokes to his own Asian tribe.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I love to hear a good Asian joke because short yellow people are fun to tease, but his jokes are so lame.  I just reminded myself of a movie where a short yellow man was standing on the shoulders of a taller white guy.  He couldn’t reach high enough, so the white guy suggested they switch positions in order to reach higher.  Who can name this movie?  Anyway, this week’s stupid Cao Boi activity involved climbing a tree after spotting some boobies.  While Cao Boi was up in the tree, he used a stick to knock the nest down.  After the nest fell to the ground, Jonathan noticed a baby booby and quickly grabbed the booby.  The mother booby was calling out, I want my booby back, booby back, booby back…booby back ribs.  Everyone felt horrible about the whole situation.  Jonathan was visibly upset and caressed the booby while they decided what to do.  They decided to put the booby back in its nest and put the nest back in the tree.  Somehow, they managed to put the nest back, but they didn’t show if the mother accepted her baby booby back.  Cao Boi said he felt stupid for doing the things he did and for acting like a kid, but I don’t think he will stop being stupid anymore than I think Nicole Richie will stop being anorexic.

            After losing Cecilia at council, Ozzy felt as rejected as the Waterboy after everyone found out he didn’t pass high school.  He said, “I just don’t feel like playing along anymore.”  What a sissy!  Does he get this way when he is waiting tables and gets stiffed on a tip?  I used to have two old ladies come in for a buy-one-get-one-free hamburger lunch.  They would drink coffee and sit in my best booth for two hours.  Did I throw in the towel after they tipped me 10% on the one hamburger?  No, I just spit in their coffee refills.  He went on to say later that he was happy being the sole-provider of food.  He said, “I feel I have the most power.  If they lose me, they will lose a lot of strength.”  After saying this, I thought for sure he would be the one going home, but he didn’t, so what do I know? 

            For the reward challenge, both tribes had to help two people tied to a long rope navigate through a bunch of obstacles.  Aitu won the challenge, and the reward was some pillows, blankets, and a hammock.  I think the rewards are too nice for these people.  Instead of giving a reward to the winners, they should bitch-slap all the losers.  At the very least, the Producers could play the sounds of a jaguar at night when everyone is trying to fall asleep and scare the crap out of them.  They sent Adam to Exile Island.  Speaking of Exile Island, they showed no scenes of Candice Woodcock looking for the immunity statue.  This means either she had no clue what the clues meant, or they forgot to send the camera man with her.  She told her tribe that she didn’t even think about why the other tribe wanted her to be on Exile Island.  In her interview, she said she was playing dumb.  I believe she might have been playing dumb, but I don’t think it takes much effort.

            In the immunity challenge, the tribes had to build a stretcher, carry someone to the beach, swim to a tower, release someone in shackles, swim back, carry someone on the stretcher back to an area where someone had to make a fire, and burn a rope that would release a banner.  I think this is correct because I might be confusing part of this challenge with the reward challenge.  I was annoyed with Cao Boi once again because he cheated when he built the fire.  Instead of adding wood to raise the height of the flames, he pushed the pile higher with his hands.  It wasn’t even necessary because the girls in the other tribe couldn’t even get their fire started.  He also looked like an idiot waving the smoking straw around to get the fire started.

            It’s RANDOM RANT time.  I really hate cheaters.  I don’t mean people who cheat on their taxes because how many government programs do we really need to subsidize?  I don’t mean cheating in college either because how can you expect these kids to study when there’s a kegger being rolled into the Fraternity house on a Tuesday morning?  I’m talking about cheating in sports.  Fluffing up golf balls, not counting all your shots, having more Mulligan’s than an Irish whore to name a few.  My softball team got spanked last week by a team that looked like the East German Olympic weightlifting team.  They could have hit homeruns with wiffleball bats, yet they were using illegal bats.  Another guy I know gets his illegal bats professionally repainted, and orders new decals from the company to make them look new.  Why is the desire to win so great that cheating becomes necessary?   I know the reason.  People with low self-esteem cheat because they want the feeling of achievement and they don’t care how they obtain it.  People with high self-esteem cheat because they’re assholes.  Victory through cheating means nothing.  I might have to add that to my list of laws.

            After Stephannie butchered the fire-building task, she told her tribe she was the weak link.  Everyone agreed to vote her off that night.  The girls realized they didn’t want to give up their 5 to 4 advantage so they decided to vote off J.P.  It wasn’t clear if Parvati would go for the new plan, but after the final vote, all five girls voted for J.P. and two guys.  Brad, the Fashion Director went along with the girls, no surprise here, and Adam, whose vote did surprise me.  It might appear that J.P. was eliminated because he sat around all day telling the girls what to do.  Parvati said, “That doesn’t fly with me at all.”  Yet she did everything he asked.  She’s real tough during interviews!  I think the real reason he was voted off the island had to do with the challenge where he completely got whipped in the swimming phase by Ozzy the waiter.  It wasn’t because he lost so badly.  He just had some nasty snot coming out of his nose and it freaked everybody.  They couldn’t wipe the image from their memory so they got rid of him. 

            I liked the four tribes going down to two tribes after a couple of weeks because the early alliances have fallen apart and new ones have to be formed.  It seems like nobody is safe.

Episode #5  Girls Gone Wild!!

            RANDOM RANT:  Oh yeah!  During the challenges tonight, I was looking at the girls’ buts, I mean backs and I noticed how at least one of them had a tattoo on their lower back.  Why would anyone do this?  In general, I think tattoos are idiotic.  Why do you ask?  They are permanent!  How many people can go back to pictures of themselves in high school and college and not think about how bad they look in their mullets, poofy hair, bell-bottom pants, leisure suits, and plastic jelly shoes.  Maybe not the jellies because I still wear my purple ones when I mow the lawn.  Anyway, my point is that trends come and go.  At least with hairstyles, you’re not stuck with a mullet for the rest of your life.  Guess what?  That tattoo of a swastika might be a problem when you’re interviewing for that job at The National Holocaust Museum.  Putting your girlfriend’s name on your arm is never a good move, especially if she turns out to be a lesbian.  What if you put “MOM” on your arm and you find out you’re adopted because your real Mom couldn’t raise both you and enough money to feed her heroine addiction?  People who put Chinese sayings on their arms eventually forget what they mean and have to ask somebody.  Isn’t that embarrassing?  My problem with the tattoo on the back is because YOU CAN’T SEE IT!  If tattoos are art, why put it where you can’t appreciate it?  That’s like putting my Picasso in the closet behind the suits I never wear.  I know.  Everyone with a lower back tattoo is saying to themselves, “It’s for everyone else to appreciate.”  Why not your forehead?  Everyone can see it, and you would see it every time you pop your zits.  My advice:  Don’t do anything you can’t undo.

Tonight’s reward challenge involved some pears of people from each tribe standing on a platform.  Sorry, homophones really mess me up.  Eye meant to right, “sum pears of people,” three pears two bee exact.  That’s better.  Each person had to grab onto a hook with one hand, and every two minutes someone from the other team was adding a five-pound bag to someone’s hook.  Both tribes put their two strongest together, Adam and Nate for Raro; Jonathan and Yul for Aitu.  Raro decided to distribute evenly the weights among the Aitu pairs.  Cao Boi thought it would be a good idea to put all the weights on Raro’s strongest pair.  This proved to be a bad strategy because the other pairs on Raro never got worn down.  It didn’t matter because Adam and Nate ended up outlasting all the Aitu groups anyway.  Roller Girl was taunting Cristina about losing her grip next, and of course it was Flicka that couldn’t hold on any longer.  What is going on with Flicka’s goofy blue socks?  Someday she’ll look back at and think, “Why did I do all that acid?”  High Socks Sally had some high socks, but these things go half way up Flicka’s thighs.  If they went any higher, she would achieve the shorts over sweats look.

For winning, Raro got some more fishing supplies, spices, and a few bottles of wine.  They also sent Jonathan back to Exile Island.  While on the island, Jonathan continued to look for the idol by digging the Panama Canal of trenches.  This thing was so big, he could have gotten lost in it.  Speaking of Lost, there are so many characters, and sub-plots, Gilligan and the Skipper might be found before any story lines on Lost ever get resolved.

In the Immunity Challenge, each team had to assemble three stepping poles. While using the poles, they had to transfer two people from one platform to another.  After they finished this part, they all had to swim to a small platform and get all eight people to stand on the platform.  It was difficult because the platform was probably only two feet by two feet, and everyone was trying to put on their own two feet.  If they had gone to my Elementary Sports Camp, they would have known to only put one foot on the platform and counter balance each other by grabbing onto someone directly across the platform.  Nine to eleven year olds figure this one out.  Aitu won the challenge so Raro had to go to tribal council. 

At council, Jeff asked Brad if he was getting close to anyone.  Like a true fashion director, he said, “I get along with everyone evenly.”  Yikes, what a sissy answer!  If he is chosen to be Miss America, I’m sure he will strive for world peace. 

During the show, Brad, Adam, and Nate became super workers.  Was it because they had guilt for being slackers?  No!  Was it because they were born again?  No!  After J.P. got voted off, they realized their heads were on the chopping block, so it was high time to get busy.  If it was me; I would still be a slacker.  I would just look busy when the girls were around.  At another point in the show, Cao Boi, Flicka, and Ozzy decided to go island hopping.  They made an unannounced visit to Raro.  Raro wasn’t very thrilled to see these three clowns on their island.  It wasn’t because Cao Boi was trying to make a deal to get their coconuts.  It wasn’t because Cao Boi wouldn’t shut up.  It wasn’t because Cao Boi was asking for their recently won spices, and it wasn’t because Cao Boi, Flicka, and Ozzy just happen to be the three people that nobody likes.  Raro was upset because if they had known they were getting visitors, they would have cleaned up their shelter.  It was such a mess, and they were so embarrassed.  I think when Cao Boi was young, he was a nerd that didn’t know he was a nerd.  Now he’s just an old nerd, and still doesn’t know it.  Next week, each tribe will vote off one member.  By the way, today’s title had nothing to do with my summary.  It was just an attention getter.

Episode #6 Bonus Abuse

Cristina is a police officer, yet there are several reasons why I would not want her protecting me.  #1 After being told she was bossy, she cried.  I don’t want my protection to depend on someone who is sensitive.  #2 During the challenge she was pulling Flicka’s mangy hair, not that you would ever notice a difference.  Is this the best she can do?  You would think that Cristina would have some kind of secret police grip that could temporarily immobilize someone like Mr. Spock’s Vulcan Grip.  #3 She was walking around camp asking for support like she was campaigning for Mayor of Loserville, USA.  If there were any babies, she would have kissed them.  She’s a cop.  She should be kicking ass, not kissing it.  She should have told them that if they voted her out, not only would she smack them around at council, but she would give them a citation for not being very nice.  If that doesn’t work, nothing will.  #4 The final reason I wouldn’t want her protecting me is because in all seriousness, how much can a woman protect anybody from anything?  I am sorry for offending any female or feminine male officers that may be reading this.  The reason for my immediate back peddle is that I don’t want to find more citations on my car tomorrow than Keith Richards has needle tracks on his arms.  Having said that, Go Chick Cops!  I have no problem lowering the standards for strength to allow more equality of sexes in the police force.  Does the sarcasm of this statement translate well through written word?  That’s like the medical field lowering the intelligence standards to allow for more dummies to become doctors.  The lesson here is simple.  If you’re having a heart attack, pray that you don’t have a female cop trying to carry you to a dumb doctor.

Cao Boi is like the guy you can’t stand because he’s a complete idiot, but you tolerate only because he has a swimming pool and a hot sister.  He is so strange; she would have to be super hot and really like to swim.  Cao Boi wanted to bring the immunity statue to the reward challenge even though Jonathan told him it would be rubbing it in the other tribe’s face.  He did it anyway and then he brought it to Tribal Council.  Jeff looked at Cao Boi like he was some freak and asked why he brings it when he doesn’t need to bring it.  He babbled some nonsense that I don’t even remember.  I’m tired of typing Cao Boi’s name because I have to think too hard about how to spell it.  I guess his parents were trying to be creative or cute.  Maybe they smoked a lot of Hanoi hooch.  I began thinking of creative names I could name my children if I were Asian.  My child that doesn’t talk a lot, I would call Tung Tide.  My son that is really bright, Son Lite, the kid that forgets everything Sea Nile.  I would call the noisy kid Sim Bowl.  I would name the kid that copies off of everyone Lip Sink.  Finally, I would name my well-endowed child, Woodcock.  You now the rest of that story.

I started writing about these two characters because they are the two that were voted off the island this week.  I will back up a little.  There was only one challenge and it was brutal.  Each tribe had three posts with one person hanging onto each post.  The other team had to send two people to physically remove one person at a time from the post and drag them across the sand to a finish line.  The reward was lamb shanks, apple cider, and bread.  The downside was that both tribes had to vote somebody off the island, if you consider getting rid of Cao Boi a downside.  Another benefit of winning was being able to watch the losers at their tribal council.  Candice Woodcock was able to hold onto her wood post for a long time and it gave the Aitu tribe a big lead and eventually the victory.  Candice Woodcock must be a very loving person because throughout the show she held hands with Becky walking on the beach, whispered ‘I love you’ and blew kisses to Adam during council, and told the chubby Mexican that she loved him…at least in his mind she did.  Her game strategy must be to fall in love with everybody.  Who would vote out somebody that loves you.

Another twist at council was having the winning tribe kidnap one of the losers right before the loser’s vote.  This gave that person immunity, some food, and a few days with the other tribe.  Flicka got all excited about kidnapping someone from the other tribe.  She then asked, “What do you mean by kidnap?”  This reminded me of my teaching days.  For second graders, I could add the word BONUS to anything and the kids got excited before they knew what I was talking about.  I would tell them they were going to get ‘bonus’ punishments.  They were thrilled.  Even the kids that didn’t like homework would get excited about doing ‘bonus’ homework.  The Aitu tribe chose Nate to kidnap.  They discussed their decision secretly, so I really don’t know why they chose him.  During the Raro tribal council, the fashion designer was asked if Aitu might actually be stronger than Raro because they are getting their butts kicked in the challenges.  He replied, “They might have a stronger team pound for pound, but we should look at the big picture.  Who is working their ass off in camp?”  This has as much to do with winning challenges as Flicka has to do with a hair brush. 

During the show, Cao Boi said he had a dream about people being snatched away from his tribe and some woman wanting three and three credit cards from him.  He woke up to realize the Voodoo plan.  He would convince three people to vote for Candice and three vote for Jonathan.  It would eliminate a white person, possibly flush out the immunity idol, and certainly convince everyone that he should be institutionalized.  The humorous part of his plan was that he talking about flushing out the idol with the person who actually had it.  He said that he believed in Yul and Becky because of his gut instinct.  He said they were solid people, and he had the utmost faith in them.  The only person that went along with his plan was Flicka, so you know she’s being voted off next.

Just to follow up on last week’s Random Rant about tattoos.  I received some interesting emails about the lower back tattoos on girls.  Apparently, it is something to look at during Happy Time.  Also, they are called butt hats.  I don’t have a rant this week, but next week, I might go after smokers.

Episode #7  Bait and Switch

Survivor was really exciting tonight, not so much the show, but my son.  He was piling up pillows behind me and jumping into the pile.  Sometimes he would use the pile to climb onto my shoulders.    The show itself wasn’t exciting because it was a re-cap show.  Last week they had us believe that Nate would stir things up in the other tribe simply because of his presence.  They showed the same preview for next week, so your guess is as good as mine.  Maybe we’ll see a Dancing with the Stars re-cap.  I don’t know why they even did a re-cap.  It wasn’t competing with March Madness, and The World Series is only game four, and that’s between St. Louis and Detroit, so who really cares who wins this one.  I think CBS didn’t want to go up against HBO’s Taking One for the Team.  It was about a baseball team’s decision to send one of its players into a gay bar to seduce the opposing team’s Ace pitcher the day before a big game.  I guess what bothers me is the bait and switch tactic they use.  When this is done anywhere else, people die, go to jail, or at least pay a fine.  CBS does this more often than a Hollywood star adopts an Ethiopian baby, and nobody seems to care.  Well I care, and I won’t tolerate it until next season.

There were only a few notable items in last night’s re-cap.  The black tribe found their canoe, and Sekou tried to sit in it, but it kept on tipping.  Nobody could figure out how it worked, so they eventually gave up, not realizing that the support/balance thingy was sitting right there on the beach in front of them.  Each person had an excuse why they couldn’t get the boat to work.  They included the fact that they were city people, or because they were black and their people had a bad experience with boats 500 years ago.  I have an alternative possibility; they’re all stupid.  Didn’t they ever watch the opening credits of Hawaii Five-0?  Everyone knows you need that balance hickamajigger on the side.

Another new clip had Candice and Adam boating while the weather deteriorated.  They couldn’t paddle, so they began walking the boat towards their island in four to five feet of water.  They managed to pull the boat to a sand bar where they stood and shivered for a long time.  They finally decided to leave the boat and walk back to camp.  If this doesn’t strike you that these two are complete idiots, I didn’t do a good job describing the scene.  A boat that the whole tribe needs for fishing and transportation is abandoned because Adam and Candice are cold and don’t have the ability to paddle in a straight line.  When they got back to camp, they were asked where the boat was.  They said it was out on a sand bar.  I can’t remember what happened next because my son wanted a Hershey Kiss, but I don’t think they showed if and how they got their boat back.

There was some additional footage of what people said after they got booted off the island.  The common theme is they all played with integrity.  Congratulations!  What did that get them?  IT’S A GAME!  You can lie, cheat, and steal all you want.  If I was on the show, and I knew somebody had the immunity idol, I would steal it.  The other person wouldn’t be able to do anything about it because they don’t use video replay.  Wait a second, they did use replay this year to figure out who won the one challenge.  Who cares?  I would steal it anyway.  Do you know what would be funny?  Giving somebody a fake idol to use at council.  Can you imagine the embarrassment when they find out somebody did a bait and switch on them?

One last thought for tonight is about the Stupid Man of the Year Award.  I was watching a new game show last Friday called One Versus 100.  The contestant has to answer a series of questions and outlast 100 people, called The Mob, trying to answer the same questions.  Money accumulates for every person the contestant eliminates.  This idiot last week got to the point where he didn’t know the last name of Baby Jessica.  The choices were McClure, Lynch and something else.  The contestant is allowed to ask The Mob for help.  There were around 60 people left and five answered Jessica Lynch.  He didn’t know Jessica Lynch was the soldier taken hostage in Iraq.  Maybe this schmuch doesn’t keep up with current events.  That’s alright.  What makes him so stupid is going along with the answer only five people chose.  The other 55, including the all-time Jeopardy king, Ken Jennings chose Jessica McClure.  Dum Dum chose to go along with 8% of the people.  On Who Wants to be a Millionaire, people can ask the audience.  If 92% of the audience says Letter “A” and 8% of the audience says Letter “B”, YOU DON’T GO WITH “B!”  I was so angry at him for his stupidity, I went to bed and couldn’t sleep.  The only thing that made me feel better was getting an answer correct that Ken Jennings missed.  The question was, “What color on a roulette wheel is number one?”  Without research, how many of you know?

Episode #7  Peanut Butter Kiss

Was it because she had the hair of a bongo player from some Reggae band?  Was it because of her freaky high blue socks?  Was it because she talked like a Valley Girl using the word ‘like’ more than a pregnant woman uses a toilet?  Was it because she couldn’t put a puzzle together?  Jessica could have been voted off the show for any of these reasons, but I have another theory.  There have already been seven people voted off the island, but no white people.  I think the Producers told Aitu to knock off a whitey, but make it look like an accident.  That sounds like someone ordering a hit on Luca Brasi in the Godfather.  I just feel bad that I’ve been calling her Clicka for the entire time she’s been on the show.  Flicka…Clicka  Does it really mattica?  I think all the really annoying people are now gone.  Maybe this is the first season that votes are based primarily on how aggravating someone is.  I’m sure these people didn’t go on the show with the “I-want-to-be-annoying” game plan, but when you’re hungry, tired, and with the same people 24 hours a day, everyone’s true personality bubbles to the surface.  It’s like being drunk.  Everyone’s inhibitions are exposed.  For example, angry drunks are the people that are super nice when they’re sober.  “I-Love-You!” drunks are lonely people that need a friend.  Then there are idiots like me.  One time in college I wanted to go to the Wednesday night Campus dance, but I only had one beer in my fridge.  It might have been my roommates.  I drank a lot of his beer and ate a lot of his food.  I told him I was allergic to cheese so he never suspected me of eating all his Macaroni and Cheese.  Anyway, one beer wasn’t going to be enough to get me drunk, so I poured it on myself, so that I could go to dance and appear drunk.  This way, I could say anything to any girl and if necessary, later claim that I didn’t remember anything because I was drunk.  That’s a true story and quite a tangent from my Survivor summary.

The show started with Nate hanging out in the Aitu tribe.  Aitu unwisely talked openly about strategy, voting plans, and favorite KKK Grand Dragons.  Nate said during an interview that he was absorbing all the information that he could take back to Raro.  I don’t who is dumber…Aitu for talking in front of Nate or Nate wanting to share valuable information with the people he wants to eventually eliminate.  As a Fraternity Brother once put in my pledge book, “Knowledge is Power.”  I’ll never forget those words because I had to do a hundred push ups for forgetting his girlfriend’s dog’s name. 

The reward challenge began with each tribe getting a catalog of reward items of which they could pick two should they win the challenge.  Some of the choices included spices, potatoes, fruit, and a Cao Boi voodoo doll.  The actual challenge consisted of swimming to a platform, climbing up and jumping off the platform with a club, while trying to break a box hanging in the air.  A key drops out of the box and into the water where it must be retrieved.  Six keys are then used to open pieces to a puzzle.  Brad decided not to swim because he could “do puzzles like the back of my hand.”  He never got a chance to show his puzzle skills because Rebecca had to swim, and she looked like a quadriplegic bobbing in the water.  Two people had retrieved a key by the time she got out of the water, and she still didn’t have a key.  Aitu won the challenge.  They had chosen peanut butter and potatoes, which is a strange combination for even Irish people.  Back at their camp, they were eating the peanut butter and Candice said, “I’m in love with everybody.  Anyone want a kiss, come on over.”  Jessica didn’t have far to go because she was standing right next to her, and sure enough, they locked lips in the first ever televised peanut butter kiss.  Hershey’s should market that as a new candy for Lesbians.  I guess anyone would love Peanut Butter Kisses, but I would know how the candy originated.  Is it just me, or has everyone noticed her pattern of behavior.  I remember commenting on this a few shows ago.  She is trying to make a love alliance with everyone she comes across.  I saw her trying to hump a sea turtle. 

With the Reward challenge victory, Aitu sent Adam to Exile Island.  Adam was disappointed with losing the challenge and said, “It’s hard to fly like an eagle when you’re surrounded by a turkey.”  That’s got to be one big turkey.  I first heard this saying when I was in the sixth grade and my neighbor had it on a bumper sticker on his car.   I think he totaled that car practicing his parallel parking on a driving course.  Some eagle!  It’s bad enough to use old jokes, but don’t make it worse by botching them.  It’s almost as bad as John Kerry claiming that when he said people who don’t do well in school end up in Iraq was a botched joke.  Yeah right!  He said he wouldn’t apologize to anyone, and then the next day apologized.  After his fiasco this week, if you still have a Kerry Edwards bumper sticker on your car, keep the bumper sticker and sell your car because I just don’t trust your judgment behind the wheel of a car.

For the Immunity challenge, the tribes had to build a staircase and use a zip line to grab three bags of puzzle pieces.  Thanks to Ozzy, Aitu had a strong lead going into the puzzle period of the challenge.  The brain trust of Flicka, Sundra, and Becky Lee took over the puzzle duties and blew a large lead allowing Raro to win the Immunity Challenge. 

Ozzy was taking a crap when he saw a bird in a bush.  He snuck up on it and grabbed it.  He took the bird back to the tribe where Yul snapped its neck and they cooked it up on the fire.  I wonder how many emails CBS is going to get from P.E.T.A. this week.  Between Cao Boi knocking the baby bird out of a tree and Yul snapping the neck of another bird, P.E.T.A. must be having a bird.  On a side note, Ozzy looks like he is sporting a Johnny Depp style beard.  That’s enough for this week.

Episode #8  Mutiny and Mayhem

Tonight’s show was interesting, and I’m not talking about Survivor.  I was taking a walk in our neighborhood and I heard the Diggleshnips arguing in their house.  That’s not their real names.  I made it up.  It was a warm evening so they had a couple windows open, and I listened outside as I pretended to be resting for a half an hour.  I learned many interesting things.  Apparently, women want treated with respect.  They also want their husbands to make them feel special.  I never heard of this, but women also want us to put the toilet seat down after we pee.  I think his wife is too demanding.  I can understand the toilet seat, but how much can we really do?  I got bored after a while because she kept on repeating herself, and I tuned her out.  She started sounding like blah, blah, blah, respect, blah, blah, blah, special, blah, blah, blah, toilet seat.  What does this have to do with Survivor?  Nothing really, so let’s get on with the show.

Jeff had a new twist for Survivor.  Before the reward challenge, he made an offer for people to have a mutiny and change tribes.  I didn’t think anyone would do it other than Brad trying to start a Gay Pride Tribe.  Well I was wrong.  They had ten seconds to decide.  With three seconds left, Candice made a move.  With one second left, Jonathan followed her.  You may have heard of the saying, “the blind following the blind.”  I have my own saying, which is even better.  I say, “The blind reading to the deaf.”  If you ever hear anyone say that, you know two things for sure.  One, you’re not deaf, and two, I invented that saying.  One time a student of mine didn’t know what they were doing on activity sheet.  Actually, that happened quite often.  Another student, who was also lost, offered to help them.  I said sure.  I looked at another student and said, “That’s like the blind reading to the deaf.”  She started laughing.  I asked her if she knew what I meant.  She said, “Yeah, He doesn’t know what he’s doing so there’s no way he’s going to help him.”  Here I go again.  This must be The Night of the Tangent.

I’m not sure why Candice and Jonathan made the Mutiny move over to Raro.  Thinking that it was a good move is like thinking that a marriage with Britney Spears might last.  Nate said, “You must be smoking some good stuff if you think you’re going to roll up in our crib and start stirring the waters.  Do you really think that we all have your back after we just saw you sell out your other tribe?  Are you dumb?”  Maybe.  Jonathan said, “Maybe it will be us four Caucasians in the final four.”  Yeah and maybe it will be Harvard, Yale, Dartmouth, and Cornell in the March Madness Final Four.  Candice received the first punishment for her mutiny by being sent to Exile Island after being beat by Aitu in the reward challenge.  If that’s not poetic justice, I don’t what is. 

The reward challenge had about ten steps that I’m not going to list.  Just know this: Adam and Nate screwed up about eight of them.  I shouldn’t say that because they didn’t make it that far in the race.  The part of the race I liked the most was watching the girls roll around in the barrels.  It made me want to sing, “Roll out the Barrel.”  Come on, you know it.  We’ll have a barrel of fun!  Aitu won and sent the traitor wench to Exile Island.  Ozzy got in their faces and said, “Mutineers are the first people to die.”  Aitu walked away from the challenge, and they were suddenly in a cabana.  I don’t know where this thing came from, but they should sneak over at night and get a good night’s sleep.  If they have to knock the camera man out, do whatever it takes.  They ate some pastries and read letters from home.  It was sentimental.  Blah, blah, blah, special.

For the immunity challenge, four tribe members had to paddle a glass-bottom boat over targets, line up cross-hairs, and drop cannon balls onto three targets.  Aitu started off poorly, and Raro had a two target lead.  Yul realized they didn’t have to line up the cross-hairs.  He just looked down the cannon ball hole and dropped a cannon ball when they were over the target.  They came back, won immunity, and sent Raro to tribal council.

Now it was time to make a tough decision.  Should they get rid of Candice or Jonathan?  Well, Candice is cute, so they didn’t vote for either one.  They must have had enough of the gay guy and his fashion design stories, so they voted for Brad.  I’m sure a case can be made for and against the mutiny move, but I’m just too tired to do it tonight.  We’ll have to see if the four white folks can stick together after the impending merge.  Brad is the first member of the jury, which is a little earlier than normal.  Who cares?  Just for the record, I wasn’t listening to my neighbors fight tonight.  It was Tuesday night.  I was at a fundraiser tonight.  Alright, I don’t want to freak out my neighbors.  I made up the whole thing.

Episode #9  The Double Whammy

I have to start by apologizing for the delayed summary of this week’s show.  I went to Dallas for a romantic weekend with my wife.  It was great.  I played golf with a buddy of mine, watched football, and got drunk on frozen swirls.  There was plenty of wifey-time.  We went to the Dallas World Aquarium and saw many fish.  We went to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was shot.  I did a little investigating on my own and have concluded that it was a conspiracy, and he’s still alive!  We also went to a spa where I got my ass kicked.  I wanted a deep tissue massage because of some shoulder pain I’ve been having lately.  The massage started out fine until I told her that I was a Steeler fan.  After that, she tore me apart.  There wasn’t an area on my body she didn’t put into pain.  I thought she was going to start asking me about troop movements, so I started shouting out my name and rank.  This got me thinking.  Since the Democrats don’t want us interrogating the terrorists in Guantanamo Bay with anything more than friendly questions and lollypop rewards, we should have this girl go down and give everybody deep tissue massages.  On the surface it will appear to be a nice gesture, but after five minutes, we’ll have Osama’s location and the location of every WMD from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe.  That’s Weapons of Mass Destruction for all you people that avoid current events because you only want to read about happy thoughts from your Chicken Soup for the Soul books.  Guess what?  Those books are full of fake stories.  After my personal torture session, I felt great, and I would recommend it to anyone.

Aitu continued to dominate by winning two more challenges this week.  For the Reward Challenge, each tribe had to dig up treasure boxes with nautical flags in order to spell “victory.”  It was easy for Aitu because the tribes were given the flags and their corresponding letters earlier in the day.  While Aitu studied and memorized the flags, Raro played kissy-kissy.  Not the whole tribe, just Candice and Adam.  They had a conversation about kissing the bruises on Candice that came straight out of Raiders of the Lost Ark.  I was expecting Adam to say, “It’s not the age, it’s the mileage.”  I often use that quote from Indiana Jones.  For winning the challenge, Aitu got to send Candice back to Exile Island.  This might work out for Candice because Raro will keep her around because Aitu will keep sending her to Exile Island.  Aitu also had a Tribal feast with some natives that wear only leaves.  At least that’s what I thought until I took a closer look and realized that under all those leaves, one of the girls had the same shirt I bought my wife at K-Mart. 

The Immunity challenge required a short swim to retrieve names of ten sets of islands and then properly identify them on a map.  Raro must have realized that Rebecca was a weak link because they tried to help her memorize names of the different island clusters that came in the tree mail earlier that day.  It looked like they were trying to teach a monkey to play chess.  Part of losing required the losers to brink a sealed bottle with a note on the inside to tribal council that night.  It was to be read after they voted off somebody.  That somebody happened to be Rebecca.

After the vote, Jeff said, “Now it’s time to get the bottle.”  It wasn’t even happy hour!  He asked Raro what they thought it might say.  They speculated that it was for a merge or a feast.  Good one Parvati!  Maybe all losers should be rewarded with a feast.  The smiles and laughter quickly disappeared when the note said that they would have to immediately vote for another person to go home.  They had the same feeling I had the time I thought my car was paid off only to realize that I had another payment booklet with two more years to pay.  Oh what a sick feeling!  This time they voted for Jenny.  On her way out, she flipped everyone the bird.  At the end of the show, they showed her “I’m-really-pissed-off” rant, but didn’t show Rebecca’s goodbye.  They spent the entire show with video of Rebecca having dumb looks on her face, but never saying anything.  I started wondering if she ever spoke.  She’s the kind of person that could fail your class, but you wouldn’t realize it because you never even realized she was in your class.  I don’t even know what her occupation is.  I’m guessing that she doesn’t speak, and that’s why they didn’t show a clip of her at the end of the show.

Just a few final thoughts.  #1 Ozzy said, “I’m totally happy to be an underdog.”  They might have fewer people, but when it comes to the challenges, there is no way that he is an underdog.  That’s like saying a half dozen Green Berets are underdogs going against 50 stone-throwing Taliban dudes.  #2 Jonathan said, “Who knew a Jew could climb a tree?”  That sounds like the name for a Dr. Seuss book.  I knew a Jew could climb a tree because Zacchaeus climbed a Sycamore tree to see Jesus.  I think Zacchaeus was a Jew, but I could be wrong.  #3 After their one victory, Aitu was hugging and kissing, and Yul gave a kiss to Ozzy.  It was only on the cheek, but what’s up with that?  I’ve been wondering about him, and this certainly doesn’t help his heterosexual status.  #4 My final thought is about the Dumb-Person-of-the-Week Award.  We were at the airport’s baggage pick up carousal.  There were only two bags on the carousal because none of the other bags were coming out yet.  Some idiot next to me checked to see if they were his bags three times in a row.   I was ready to say on the fourth time around, “THEY’RE NOT YOURS DOUCHEBAG!” 

Episode #10  Why Elephants Can’t Climb Trees

Thanksgiving is a time for people to come together, eat a feast, and get drunk, so it was perfect timing for the merge to happen on Thanksgiving. After all, the two tribes came together, ate a feast, and got drunk.  Well, not everyone.  The Raro tribe got drunk while the Aitu tribe drank orange juice.  Jonathan said that he couldn’t believe everyone was getting drunk because it was no way to play a game.  I know a lot of beer drinking games where that is indeed the way to play the game.  I wonder if he is speaking with the wisdom of age or the wisdom of being Jewish.  I did hear a Jewish joke this week.  Why do Jews have big noses?  Because air is free.  He said they were playing for ONE MILLION dollars.  He sounded like Austin Powers.  I do agree with his statement because getting drunk serves no useful purpose.  It dehydrates you, decreases your motor control, and makes ugly people more attractive.  I guess that last one is a useful purpose.  Here’s to the cure for ugly people!  Adam was puking over the side of the boat, hitting on Parvati, and later made out with Candice.  I want everyone to picture this for a minute.  Adam hasn’t brushed his teeth in 28 days.  That’s a month.  He just puked, and now he’s swapping plaque with Candice.  What kind of girl is this?  I’ll tell you.  She’s the kind of girl I wish I knew in college.

They didn’t have a reward challenge.  For the immunity challenge everyone had to hang onto a wooden post for as long as they could.  Adam was out after nine minutes, which coincidentally was the number of beers he had the day before the challenge.  Jonathan made it to 12 minutes and Nate made it to 23 minutes.  Three guys were out and Jonathan commented that it was tough for him because his feet were too big.  Yul said that Jonathan was correct because your mass goes up at a faster rate than surface area.  That’s why an elephant can run up a tree.  I don’t see any logical scientific idea behind this comment, so these people were only impressed since he used the words surface area, because it relates to the pole, and mass because it rhymes with ass.  In the world of real science, the amount of time they can hang onto the pole probably has a lot more to do with strength to weight ratio.  In other words, if two people have equal strength, the heavier one will fall first and the lighter dude will hang on longer.  In the case of this challenge, another factor is even more important, and that’s the Kegel factor.  These women have been doing their Kegel exercises for years enabling them to clutch onto that pole like a stripper in a Gentlemen’s club.  Sundra lasted for 34 minutes and Yul lasted for 51 minutes.  Parvati and Becky both lasted for an hour and a half.  It came down to Candice the Kegeler or Ozzy the human monkey.  Candice made it until 2 hours and 15 minutes before she was finally out-Kegeled.

With the immunity necklace and idol, Ozzy and Yul were both safe.  However, they were down in numbers five to four.  Yul decided it was time to share with his tribe that he had the immunity idol.  Yul and Becky decided that it was best to go after Jonathan for a flip to their side.  Yul took a chance by telling Jonathan he had the idol.  Jonathan wanted his tribe to consider the possibility that Yul might have the idol, but they didn’t want to hear it.  Jonathan said, “I don’t believe they’re smart enough, and they don’t want to put the mental energy into running the scenario that he might have the idol.”  Just remember, these are the people that think Yul is a genius because he explained why an elephant can’t climb a tree.  Next week, he’s going to explain why a fish moves better in water than on land.  This must have been frustrating to Jonathan, but it paid off because Jonathan flipped back to the other side, and they voted off Nate.  This absolutely blind-sided Nate.  During his closing monologue, He told Jonathan to kiss his ass because he was a, “dirty, stanky, whack, fruitcake, traitor bastard.”  I think he closed with another ‘kiss my ass’ comment.  He sounded like Yosemite Sam going off on Bugs Bunny after Bugs gets him to fall off a cliff for the third time.

Now that they have merged, and we are down to eight people, I’m going to make my worthless prediction of the final order.  I say worthless because if it was a 50-50 guess, I would get it wrong nine times out of ten.  Here I go anyway:  Adam, Candice, Parvati, Oscar, Sundra, Becky, Jonathan, and Yul wins it.

Episode #11  For Whom the Bell Tolls

I don’t know about all of you, but I’m loving this show.  Where else can you see greedy, selfish, lazy people fight for a million dollars or a stingray puke up a fish?  I had to do a double take on the stingray because I thought he got stabbed by someone, but sure enough, he puked.  I never saw a stingray that couldn’t handle his booze.  Anyway, I’m enjoying the show because of all the childish bickering, the cunning moves, and the way Candice keeps getting her ass handed to her.  I’ll get to that soon.  In fact, I’ll get to that in the next paragraph, so if you’re an Imam on an airplane demanding seat exchanges by the exits and praying out loud, strap on your seatbelt extensions because it’s time to get the party started.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, turn off Entertainment Tonight and listen to some talk radio.

 The reward challenge was the Survivor Auction.  They each received $500.  Item one was unknown.  Jonathan bid $100 and got himself a hamburger, French fries, and a beer.  He spilled half the beer on Adam trying to sit down.  Candice licked the beer off Adam’s arms.  No, not really.  The second item was a hot bubble bath and a piece of chocolate cake.  Parvati got it for $360 only because Jonathan forced the price up to waste her money.  The third item was unknown with a clue that it would give them great power.  I thought it might be the ring from Lord of the Rings.  Becky was bidding against Candice Woodcock and won it for $640.  They were allowed to share money, and Yul was willing to give Becky more money than Adam was willing to give Candice.  Becky’s item was a note that said she could immediately send someone to Exile Island and take his or her money.  Without much hesitation, she sent Candice “The Traitor” Woodcock.  Watching her get punished over and over again for her mutiny is just good entertainment.  I’d be willing to bet that no person will ever try a mutiny again, unless they’re as dumb as the judge who thinks we should remake all our paper money so that the blind can tell if they’re putting ones or twenties into a stripper’s panties.  Ozzy bid $420 on a never-ending ice cream machine.  When he turned it on it spit out some vanilla ice cream onto his pants.  It looked like…well, use your imagination.  The next two items were covered.  Jonathan spent $240 on a pepperoni pizza and Sundra spent $140 on a sea cucumber.  That sucks.  The next item was a toothbrush and some other bathroom items.  Jonathan bid an uncontested $100.  He tipped Jeff $20.  I think my two-year-old daughter doing her plie has more showmanship than this clown.  Jeff ended the auction without Adam getting anything.  Candice got another all expense paid trip to Exile Island, and Yul got the satisfaction of watching her go.  Yul announced that he had the immunity statue.  Jeff asked him to show it.  Parvati looked at and said it was authentic.  This comes from a girl that would think a purse with the name Goochy was authentic.

When Candice came back for the reward challenge, Becky patted her on the back, but she’s the one that sent her.  Talk about a mixed message.  I’m surprised Candice didn’t pop her.  Later, Becky claimed that she sent her because Candice is such a strong competitor.  Yeah right.  That’s like Snoop Dog getting arrested over and over again just to see if the cops are doing a good job.  The truth is they’re still punishing her for the mutiny and rightly so.  The reward challenge consisted of answering questions pertaining to things they’ve already done.  In addition, they had to do some simple math that revealed the location of a key for a lock.  When I say simple math, I mean for a fifth grader.  Some of these people struggled.  Parvati, Adam, and Jonathan made it to the second round.  Adam blew them out and won immunity.

It’s time for a Random Rant.  With hunting season starting this week, I’m reminded of several of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard people say.  One guy told me that deer are smarter than people.  Another guy told me that deer know whether it is buck or doe season, and that’s why you only see doe during buck season.  Another guy told me that when it’s deer season the deer know to go where hunting is illegal.  Now this, I can believe because the only thing the deer would have to do is read the “No Hunting” signs.  Yeah, the deer are so smart.  That’s why I see dead deer on the road to work every day.  Instead of a hunting season, they should just have more people drive around my neighborhood.  The truth is hunters claim that deer are smart so when they come home with nothing more than an empty six-pack, they can say the deer are just so clever.  Here’s a tip.  Put the beer down and pick up the gun.  If you’re getting bested by a deer, maybe you should go to an old barn with a mouse trap.  Start small and work your way up.  I don’t want to hear anybody say, “Damn, those mice are smart.”

Back at the camp, Adam snuggled with Candice and Parvati in the tent.  Can you blame him?  They were the bread and he was the meat.  Meanwhile everyone else was preparing dinner.  They decided not to call the snugglers for dinner.  Candice realized what was going on and went over to confront them.  This is when it really got good.  It was like watching my wife argue with her sister over who has the better husband.  My wife always wins that argument.  Are you kidding?  It’s a landslide, and she’s not even a good arguer.  Candice was sent to Exile Island, didn’t win immunity, and wasn’t called for dinner.  Certainly, it couldn’t get any worse than this.  We’ll see.

At council, the group arguing didn’t let up.  It was like a big family vacation where one person wants to play miniature golf and the rest want to shop at the outlets.  I can’t speak for everyone, but I’ll be a lot happier when they build miniature golf course at one of those outlet malls.  When the vote came in, Candice Woodcock got the shaft.  Before parting, she locked lips with Adam.  Jeff commented that Adam must not love her or he would have given her the immunity necklace.  I think Adam doesn’t care because he still has the other slice of bread.  The only difference now is that he’s an open-faced sandwich.  I’m sure we’ll see him making out with Parvati next week.  For the parting shot, Candice said she felt comfortable with how she played.  She mutinied so that she could have somebody to kiss and this ultimately lead to her demise.  In other words, she abandoned her tribe for a cute guy.  Remind me not to let her baby sit my kids if there’s a GQ show in town.

Episode #12  Everyone Deserves A Second Chance

I’ll be brief tonight because the Steelers are playing.  Parvati chopped her finger, won reward, and stayed alive at council.  Jonathan went to Exile, came back and was voted off the island.  He should have stayed on Exile Island.  At least he had the camera man.  That ought to do it.  Have a good weekend.  Halftime is almost over.

Since the Steelers won, and I’m in a good mood, I guess I’ll expand a little.  Since it’s a Football night in Pittsburgh, we’ll start with a Random Rant.  College football is really annoying.  How can you declare a National Champion by basically voting.  It’s not like you’re crowning the Dancing with the Stars champion.  The National Championship is something that matters to a lot more people than those wanting to relive the days of Dance Fever and Shake Your Booty.  The rankings have improved with the BCS system, but there are too many teams that get the shaft every year.  Michigan fans think I’m talking about them.  I’M NOT!!  What in the world makes you think that you can lose your chance to knock off the #1 team and then get in line first for another chance.  Why not just play each other until Michigan wins.  If it takes four or five tries, who cares?  Actually, I don’t want to be hypocritical, because I’ve used that strategy my entire life.  I would make my older brothers play me in different sports or games over and over until I won, then I would declare my superiority.  You’ve got me Michigan.  Play Ohio State until you win.  Don’t worry about all the other teams that would like a chance to play.  College football needs a playoff system.  It could be eight or sixteen teams playing in a three to four week tournament.  If Michigan makes it to the final game and loses, they could have a second chance the next week.  If time doesn’t permit this because of the strict classroom and study schedules of those highly intelligent players, they could play a second game that night.  Why not?  Everybody is already at the stadium.  The beer and nacho vendors could make some serious cash

For the reward challenge, family members were introduced, and everybody had a lot of tears.  The person with the most tears won the reward.  I think there was some acting going on when everyone saw their loved ones.  Most of these people don’t talk to their moms or dads for months at a time.  Maybe that’s just me.  I should work on that.  Then after being away from home for 30 days, they cry like the ugly girl that nobody asks to the Homecoming dance.  The family members had to help fill buckets of water while the survivors threw buckets full of water at them.  Some of these people are not very coordinated.  Why do you bring someone that lacks athletic ability?  The loved ones always have to compete.  If I were on the show, I would have LaDainian Tomlinson be my loved one.  Let the producers figure out the relationship.  I could fake some tears when I see him.  Hopefully, the challenge would have something to do with a football.  The survivors were blindfolded, so the loved ones were competing in an unannounced wet t-shirt contest.  This was different than the wet t-shirt contests my fraternity sponsored in college.  These contestants were all of legal age.  Parvati won.  Becky came in a close second, so the Michigan fans suggested they play again.  Parvati sent Jonathan to Exile Island, and got to take her Dad to another island for a feast.  It was up to her Dad to pick two other Survivors and their loved ones to go with them.  Sundra and Adam were picked to go.  At the reward island, they went to a sacred cave that had a fresh water pool.  They all jumped in and like any sixth grade delinquent, Adam peed in the sacred pool.  Luckily, the tribesmen put a special chemical into the sacred to pool so that they would know if anyone peed in it.  Am I the only one, or does everyone remember that same threat when you were a kid?

While Jonathan was on Exile Island and everyone else was having their feast, Ozzy, Yul, and Becky decided to hide food from Adam and Parvati in order to weaken them.  They later felt like asses when Parvati and Adam brought them back all the extra food from the feast.  If it were me, I would keep the food hidden and spit in their water. 

For the immunity challenge, they had to navigate over a series of floating contraptions and retrieve some sticks.  They had to do this twice, then tie the sticks together and snag a couple keys.  Ozzy won.  Yul came in close.  Close in that he was the only other person to successfully navigate the floating devices.  Some Michigan fans suggested that he race against Ozzy again.  Did I use that line already?  During the race, Sundra slipped on a barrel and went down hard!  I had to rewind it, not because I’m a rubber-necker.  I’m just the kind of person that slows down at accident sites and sees if anybody is hurt.  I guess by definition, I’m a rubber-necker.  It wasn’t as bad as Theisman breaking his leg, but she fell hard enough to make you say, “Ouch!” out loud. 

At tribal council, Jonathan pleaded his case to no avail.  He must be despicable because he seems like the perfect person to take to the finals.  I was surprised at how good Candice looked on the jury.  It made me want to be the foreman.  Usually they don’t clean up that well until the finale.  I was also surprise that we didn’t see any shots of Parvati and Adam kissing.  She didn’t win his affection the first time around, so the Michigan fans demanded she get a second chance to win his affection.  This may actually work for her.  I have one final thought.  Everyone was voting for Jonathan, so without letting Jonathan or Yul know, they should have all voted for Yul.  This would have forced Yul into using his idol and still gotten rid of the dirty Jew.  Even thought I’m laughing, that’s not very funny.  I’m not Mel Gibson.

Episode #13   I Could Have Worked It More

Last night’s tree mail was one of the worst poems in recorded history.  They tried to rhyme words that had no business being in the poem.  It sounded like this:  I love going for walks with you near the auditorium, It reminds me of our time at the crematorium.  It would make great poets like Tupac Shakur and Ol Dirty Bastard’s bullet riddled, cocaine-ingested corpses turn over in their pimped-out caskets.  The actual reward challenge was one of the more amusing that I’ve seen.  Each person had to jump into a mud pit, coat themselves in mud, and transport as much mud as possible into a bucket in ten minutes.  The top three bucket got to go to a luxury resort.  The buckets didn’t go, the three people filling them went.  Ozzy had 42 pounds, Parvati had 24, and Yul had 23½ pounds.  When the challenge was done, everyone looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator when he was hiding from the…uh…well…um, predator.  Ozzy dominated this like everything else he’s done.  This made Becky and Sundra start rumbling about getting rid of him.  By the way, these two nitwits, despite being covered in wet mud, ran to their shelter to avoid getting caught in the rain.  Ozzy sent Adam to Exile Island where he got hammered with another rainstorm.  What’s grosser?  Adam eating raw everything he could find or the flies eating every sore they could find on Adam’s body?

At the resort, Ozzy, Yul, and Parvati took showers to remove all the mud.  They didn’t take them together, but they might as well have.  Later, they spent some time together in the hot tub wearing as much clothing as Britney Spears on a trip to the grocery store.  Oh yeah, they weren’t drunk when they were in the shower.  Isn’t it great how a little alcohol can get a desperate girl undressed?  I don’t know how Yul and Ozzy did it.  If it was me, I wouldn’t have been able to hide my happiness.  Parvati was obviously trying to seduce the guys into keeping her a little longer.  Guys just don’t need a reason to get naked in a hot tub with a girl.  We just do it.  Parvati said, “The more ‘friendly’ I get, the more I can get in.”  Talk is cheap.  Let’s see some action.  Ozzy said he was willing to play the game with Parvati while there’s still an opportunity.  They’re naked, in a hot tub, and her hours are numbered.  There’s no time like the present.  Unfortunately, we don’t know if anything happened.  Parvati claimed on her parting shot that she could have worked it more in the hot tub if she wanted to.  Coulda, woulda, shoulda.  I think she did, and Yul and Ozzy exploited her like a Hispanic waiter.  Wait a second.  Ozzy is a Hispanic waiter.  That’s not a good example.  Let’s just say they used her. 

For the immunity challenge, they had to carry four sets of puzzle pieces across three balance beams, assemble the maze, and maneuver a cannon ball through it like the classic Labyrinth game.  I wonder who won.  If you said Ozzy you would be correct.  Even my four-year-old son said, “He’s a great one.  He always wins.”  Yul was at least close.  At one point during the show, Adam said his best shot was to win challenges.  He never made it over the balance beam.  At the tribal council, Jeff said, “Adam, You’re the biggest physical threat on paper.”  Adam replied, “I haven’t produced very well.”  NO SHIT!  Adam is muscular, but he’s not athletic.  Thinking that a muscular guy is automatically athletic is like thinking a pretty girl is automatically good in bed.

I have three final things that I thought were amusing.  Yul went to Adam and told him not to pit Ozzy against Yul, Becky, and Sundra.  Adam tried to back-paddle faster than Dora the Explorer back-paddled in her canoe when she almost went over the chocolate waterfall on her way to Candy Canyon.  The second thing was when Parvati said, “If I’m thrown into the wilderness again, I know I can survive.”  If there enough guys to build shelter, find food, and make fires every time she shakes her hooters, I’m sure she’ll survive.  The final amusing thing this week was not from the show.  I read that Iran is offering to help U.S. Exit from Iraq.  That’s like the fox offering to help the farmer exit the chicken coop.  Is that a cliché?  How about this one:  That’s like Anna Nicole Smith offering to help J. Howard Marshall’s son exit the courtroom before the pre-nup trial.  Only one show to go, so look for my final summary this Monday morning.  It will include a review of the reunion show and my world famous apology list.

Episode #14  Season Finale  Mental or Physical?

Let’s get ready to rumble.  I was excited last night, a little because of the show, but mostly because of the cash, I won in Atlantic City.  I won’t say how much I won, but I’ll tell you this:  Dealers were filling out unemployment cards, Trump was sweating, and his goofy comb-over hair was pointing in every other direction.  As far as Survivor, another season ends, and my girl comes in fourth place.  This is my best finish, but I’m not satisfied.  Next time, I will have my own poll and choose every contestant.  People can still pay me money to see which of my picks wins.

The first immunity challenge was a giant jungle gym with eight main sections that each contained puzzle pieces.  Players had to collect the pieces, assemble the puzzle, and raise a flag.  Jeff claimed that this was the most difficult puzzle in Survivor history.  Ozzy solved it in two minutes.  At least two minutes in edited TV time.  It might have been two days.  We don’t know.  My one uncle gave us puzzles for Christmas when we were kids.  He claimed that they were tough.  He just thought we were all dumb farm boys.  My brothers were dumb, but not me.  I remember the one year, it only took me two minutes.  It was edited TV time, so who knows how long it really took me.  A few years ago my friend and I were painting a room, and he gave me a mathematical riddle.  I drew it with paint on the wall in about 30 seconds.  Even though he knew I had the right answer, he thought I did it wrong.  I had to convince him that if I have the right answer, I solved the puzzle.  In Atlantic City, I figured out that there is one bet, in one game, in one casino that the house does not have the advantage.  It’s called Sicbo.  I forget the point of these three examples, so I guess it’s fair to say my ability to solve puzzles is better than my ability to string coherent thoughts together.  I think my point is that when people can’t figure something out, they automatically think it’s difficult.  Maybe they can’t figure it out because they’re not too smart, and maybe Jeff worked on that puzzle all week and couldn’t figure it out.  Anyway, back to the challenge.  Ozzy delivered in yet another must win situation.  Adam didn’t win in a must win situation.  This made him the last person of the eight-person team that couldn’t come up with one immunity victory to knock off Yul, Sundra, Becky, or Ozzy.  What a group of misfits.  Well at least they are young and good-looking.  Maybe they’ll end up in the porn industry.  Before council that night, Adam tried to get the remaining people to vote for Yul for the sole purpose of outing the immunity idol.  They didn’t for some reason.  They wanted to remain loyal.  Screw loyal!  Adam would have been sent home anyway, so why give Yul any advantage going into the final four.  This isn’t Major League Baseball where the Yankees and Red Sox have an unfair advantage going into every season.  Adam was voted out, and on his way off the ship, Candice threw her room key to him. 

The remaining four had to visit another island to say their goodbyes to the sixteen losers knocked out of the game.  There were short video clips for each.  Sekou said he was a self-proclaimed leader.  He was the first one out.  Cao Boi uttered some nonsense.  If he had gone farther, I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed the show.  Parvati said, “I thought I was running the show for a while.”  She couldn’t run a lemonade stand.  The next four quotes come from Cristina, Rebecca, Jenny, and Nate respectively, and they are all words that nobody would have ever said in the interviewing process.  “I don’t want to step over someone to get it.”  “You don’t have to be the toughest person.  It’s OK.”  “I didn’t think I could do Survivor.”  “It’s not my cup of tea.”  “Do you really distribute condoms?”  I just threw that one in there, but it’s true.  Finally, Billy said, “I’m a dream chaser.  I discovered a fondness for who I am.”  Yikes!  Where did this Charlie Brown wannabe come from?  The only thing he lacks is a football and Lucy holding it for him.

For the second immunity challenge, everyone stood on individual perches over the water.  Every fifteen minutes, a section of the perch was removed.  An hour had passed when Becky fell.  Yul fell next.  When it was down to Ozzy and Sundra, it looked like Sundra had some nasty toenails, but was going to win anyway because Ozzy was repeatedly losing his balance.  Never bet against Ozzy.  Sundra fell and Ozzy was in the final three.  I don’t think there has been a performance as dominating as this unless you go back to this past summer when I won nine straight games of Hi Ho Cherry O, seven straight games of Chutes and Ladders, Sesame Street version, and two straight games of Candy Land, Dora the Explorer version.  That game is more difficult than you think because my kids always get the Abuela ice cream card which sends them real close to the Fiesta.  I think my kids fix the deck when I’m watching the sports ticker on TV. 

Later that day at camp, there were several conversations between Yul and Becky regarding giving her the idol.  We didn’t know for sure because everyone agreed to force a tie between Sundra and Becky.  I think Yul was giving Becky an idle offer because it would be crazy to make himself vulnerable this late in the game.  The vote did come out as a tie and Becky didn’t have the idol, so Becky and Sundra had to build a fire to advance to the final three.  This is where it gets comical.  They began building their fires.  Each started using the flint and machete to make sparks, but they weren’t getting anywhere.  The cameras showed people yawning and taking naps.  Adam and Candice were making out with each other.  After an hour, Jeff said, “We’re going to matches!”  After another thirty minutes, they still didn’t have a fire, so Jeff said, “We’re going to flamethrowers!”  Actually Sundra ran out of matches, so Becky eventually got her fire going and won.  They’ve been on the island for thirty eight days and were unable to build a fire.  That’s like an Eskimo not being able to build a snowman, or a Russian not being able to pour a shot of vodka, or a Frenchman not knowing how to surrender, or an Indian not knowing how to run a 7-ll, or a terrorist that doesn’t know how to build a bomb, or an Irishman that doesn’t know how to get drunk, or a pimp that doesn’t know how to slap his bitches, or a hooker that doesn’t know how to do it, or a Mexican that doesn’t know how to sneak across the border.  Is there anyone that doesn’t get it yet?  Alright, one more for my slow uncle:  It’s like a politician that doesn’t know how to take a bribe.  How about that Democrat that gets caught with eighty grand in his freezer, and he gets re-elected?  Yeah, I know.  He was hiding his lunch money.

On the last day, Ozzy was on the beach and saw a boat with two island girls paddling towards him on the shore.  He yelled, “Yul, get out here!”  He thought they were two island hookers looking for a trick.  They were only dropping off food and champagne.  Yul and Ozzy yelled for Becky, but she was nowhere around.  If this was “All in the Family,” this would have been the point where you hear a toilet flush, and Archie Bunker walks down the stairs.  Instead, we heard the scraping of palm leaves and Becky walked out of the jungle with a palm stuck to the bottom of her foot.

At tribal council, Becky, Yul, and Ozzy gave their speeches.  Nothing interesting.  Each juror gave a statement and asked a question.  This wasn’t too interesting either because almost the entire jury was the tribe that got beaten by these three.  There weren’t any major back stabbings or absolute hatred for the finalists.

At the live reunion show, Jeff read the votes.  Becky didn’t get any.  Al Gore demanded a re-count.  I thought for sure Ozzy was going to win because of his dominating performance, nobody had anything bad to say about him, and he faked some tears when talking about his father than abandoned him as a child.  This can only mean one thing.  Yul won the million.  I was disappointed, but I figured Yul played a brilliant game, so who cares?  Me!  I started caring again as soon as Yul started flapping his gums about diversity.  Diversity is a bunch of crap.  Jim Quinn is a local talk show host that always says that you shouldn’t strive for diversity.  You should strive for excellence and diversity will naturally follow.

There were only a few noteworthy things from the Reunion Show.  Candice and Adam are only friends, so Jeff told Billy that Candice is available again.  After Cao Boi said some B.S., he wanted to say more, but Jeff didn’t allow him.  Jeff asked Parvati about being a boxer.  She said she actually does model boxing.  She claimed that she really works hard, and it’s very demanding.  She sounds like a cheerleader trying to bring respect to an area where there isn’t any to bring.  When Parvati said she was a model boxer, I thought of my receptionist telling me about her boyfriend being an Ultimate Fighter.  I asked her how many fights has he had.  She said none.  Well, I haven’t had any fights either, so I guess I’m an Ultimate Fighter.

It’s time for my politically correct apology list.  At least attempt at one because when it comes to apologies, mine isn’t worth any more than Michael Richard’s black people rant apology, Mel Gibson’s Jew rant apology, or Terrell Owens spitting apology.  After all they’re just words, and true regret changes behavior, and you know what?  I’m not changing anything.  Having said all that, here is the list of all the occupations, religions, and groups of people that may have been offended by the nonsense I write:  I apologize to Jeff Probst, come on Jeff, put me on the show.  I apologize to head football coaches, George Washington, Keith Richards, Ken Jennings, the stupid man on 1 Verses 100, John Kerry, dumb guy at baggage carousal, Snoop Dog, Mel Gibson, Janet Jackson, Anna Nicole Smith, Nicole Ritchie, Miss America Contestants, female police officers, pregnant women, Britney Spears, massage therapist, and Hilary Clinton.  I don’t actually feel bad about anything I’ve written about the New York Senator who’s not really from New York.  In the name of God, I reject her.  I further apologize to people that don’t eat seafood, spoiled brats, cheap tippers, cheaters, the I.R.S, Irish whores, Hollywood stars, St. Louis Cardinal, Detroit Tiger, New York Yankee, and Boston Red Sox fans, Democrats, K-Mart shoppers, Chicken Soup for the Soul readers, ugly people, stone throwing Taliban dudes, Entertainment Tonight, Dancing with the Stars fans, the institution, fans and football players of the University of Michigan, CBS, angry drunks, I Love You drunks, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, Yale, bongo drummers, retards, homos, lesbians, and Cleveland Brown fans.  It’s easy to apologize to Cleveland fans because it’s not like their going to start winning football games.  I also apologize to people who have tattoos, bad breath, body odor, mullets, poofy hair, bell-bottoms, jellies, or people who are blind, deaf, sensitive, uncoordinated or quadriplegic.  I also apologize to hair stylists, accountants, French soldiers, waiters, maintenance men, politicians, hookers, pimps, dumb doctors, judges, people in the medical field, and finally all the Eskimos, African Americans, Asians, Mexicans, Russians, Indians, Frenchians, Irishans,  Jews, Jihadists, Imams, and last but not least, my wife.  Even though I’m not permitted to mention her in anyway in my summaries, there were a couple of times that I couldn’t help it, and I slipped.  I’m sorry sweetie.  You’re the love of my life.  P.S.  Less starch on the shirts.  I feel like I’m wearing a cardboard box.