Episode #3 Gift From Heaven
I bring great joy, a gift from heaven. If you didn’t watch Survivor last night, you might think I was an Angel telling Mary that she is pregnant and will soon have a baby boy. If you did watch it, you know that Mr. Miyagi was saying those things because he came back to a camp of delinquents with a plan. To this point, “a plan” to this group was deciding who would go first in an armpit farting contest. He asked if they had fire and water. They had neither, so he surprised them by saying they didn’t need fire to have good water. He started filtering the water through several shirts. Courtney didn’t believe that it would work, but helped drink the water anyway. He told them this took out 90% of the bacteria. That means that 90% of the bacteria is in the shirts. I don’t know about you, but I’m not putting on any bacteria infested shirt, but pass that yummy water. Mr. Miyagi also said he has taught High School for 34 years, Karate for 40 years, backpacking for 19 years, and has been a compulsive liar for 50 years.
The reward challenge was shooting balls with a giant sling shot towards four tribe members on a balance beam over water. Terry jumped every time he caught a ball whether he needed to or not. He did have one awesome catch. Aras missed two catches including a major choke that could have won the game. La Mina won the challenge so they got a lantern, blankets, and pillows. The only thing missing was some Kenny G and they would have had all the ingredients for a romantic night on the beach. In my case, some AC-DC would suffice. Yes, I’m quite the romantic.
As normal, the losing tribe had to send somebody to Exile Island. The twist was that the winners got to pick who they sent. Due to an earlier, “For he’s a jolly good fellow” tribute to Mr. Miyagi, Austin knew Mr. Miyagi was the guy to send back to the island. This obviously shows Austin as being a good strategist. His mistake was announcing it to the loser tribe. I would have let somebody else speak, and let them look like the bad guy. Courtney thought it was evil. Since when is good strategy evil? She doesn’t know what evil is. She’s the Diet Pepsi of evil. One calorie, not evil enough. That’s from Austin Powers. Therefore, Mr. Miyagi went back to Exile Island. It’s day seven, and he’s been there five days. He should know that island like Mexicans know the best place to cross our border. Well, maybe not. It appears he still hasn’t found the idol. He said he was emerging as the top of his tribe. When you spend most of your time by yourself on Exile Island, I would not only declare you the top of your tribe, but the unofficial ruler of Exile Island also.
The immunity challenge was pretty cool. They had to compete in groups of two or three against the other tribe to find a bag buried in sand, and get it back to their own designated mat. This was a full-contact event, so it got nasty. Cirie threw Misty around as if she was an empty bag of chips. Shane, being the loser that he is tried to take out the guy that fills up the tanks on the shuttle, A.K.A. Old Man Dan. He and Ruth Marie’s face look like the guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark who melts and his face is just a skull.
Each tribe grabbed, grasped, and even groped each other into a two to two tie. That’s probably a tough sentence to say because it wasn’t even easy to type. The final match was Bobby and Danielle against Ruth Marie and Terry. After some battling back and forth, Ruth Marie came out of the pack with the bag and took off toward her finish mat. She was running at full speed while Bobby was taking a casual jog behind her. Instead of stopping her, he waited until she almost won and then knocked her down like 40 ounces of Schlitz Malt Liquor. He then touched his own mat and won immunity for Casaya. Ruth Marie thought she would be the hero only to have her dream disappear faster than a bunch of guys at a menstruation seminar.
Throughout the show, Misty was flirting and giving back rubs to anything with a back. She said she was a natural flirt and didn’t mind using it to help her in the game. Good job Misty. You got blindsided. I would have voted her out for several reasons. 1. She had some kind of skin condition that was making me squirm. 2. She tries to articulate everything when she speaks like she’s trying to convince some cop that she’s not drunk. 3. She’s starving on the island, but says, “I’m not doing snails.” This is the girl who was eating worms on Exile Island. I don’t know. Maybe it all depends on the presentation. 4. Her final words included the hope that her tribe would go all the way. When they merge, her tribe will no longer exist, and it will be an individual that goes all the way, not a tribe.
I have three final thoughts. 1. Cirieal looked Pretty in Pink. 2. A green snake opened its mouth so wide it looked like a squeeze toy. I have no reason to tell you this other than I felt like it. 3. After catching a little fish, Terry said, “I’m really stoked.” He’s 46. If you’re under 25 or compete in X-Games, you can use language like that, otherwise let the young ones have their catchy phrases. Like does anybody like totally understand what I’m saying?
If you would like to comment on my summary, go to my website at www.survivorsatire.com and let me know what you think. Until next week.
Episode #4 Exile Sweet Exile
I didn’t watch Survivor last night because I wanted to watch the two hour special of Dancing with the Stars. If anyone believes that, you need slapped. I think that peeing into a toilet and trying to cover the water’s surface with bubbles is more exciting than dancing. Come on guys, you know what I’m talking about. It’s not that I’m against dancing, I’m just very pro-standing still. After all, the more you practice standing still, the better you are at riding elevators. I ask people at work what is the appeal of this show. They say people can express themselves. I express myself in traffic everyday. Some say it’s exercise. I play real sports like basketball and football. Some say it heightens their sexual arousal. I just watch an episode of the Golden Girls. I stopped dancing around 15 years ago because I had an out-of-body experience where I saw myself dancing, and I thought, “I look like a retard trying to hump a doorknob.” I’m sorry. That’s from Dodgeball, and I just had to use it. Anyway, I think everyone who dances will some day look back at themselves and think of doorknobs, at least anyone who reads this.
Oh yeah, Survivor! There was a reward challenge, an immunity challenge, and some fool got sent home. Time for bed! Alright, alright, you want details. For the reward challenge, there were six large floating puzzle pieces that had to be unhooked one at a time, pulled to an enclosed area, and assembled. The rule was clear that the entire piece had to be in the enclosure before the next person could begin. Austin was the fifth person in his tribe to go, so you would think he would be aware of this major detail. He swam away thinking he was done, cost his team a lot of time and eventually lost that challenge. Casaya won a bath set including towels, soap, toilet paper, five gallons of fresh water for a shower, and an outhouse. Some of La Mina wanted to use the outhouse to store the towels and firewood. Bobby wanted to use the outhouse in the more traditional sense. Yes, it was less strategic, but a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. He came out with toilet paper trailing behind his shoe. Not really, but wouldn’t that be embarrassing?
Casaya also got to pick someone from La Mina for Exile Island. They chose Terry, who has shown himself to be a leader of the La Mina tribe. Once on the island, he was allowed to read all four clues. Clue 1 was a poem that emphasized, “why” are you here? Clue 2 said the idol was above the tide line. Clue 3 said it was buried underground. Clue 4 said it was beneath a rock. The clue that helped the most was finding it in the middle of Exile Island because Mr. Miyagi forgot to take it with him. I’m just kidding. It was the first clue because Terry realized that the “why” was actually a “Y” shaped tree. He moved a couple rocks, dug down seven or eight inches and found the immunity thingy. He decided to not reveal whether or not he found it. Shane was happy that they really made it tough for Terry. Shane said, “Terry’s in hell.” Too bad for Shane, Terry might think of Exile Island as his exile sweet exile.
For the immunity challenge, pairs of people tied together had to traverse a balance beam while carrying buckets of water. The water was used to fill a large bucket that would eventually be enough to lift one of the girls up into the air. Cirie didn’t think she would be good on the balance beam, so she volunteered to be the person to lift. Fortunately for Cirie, I am just kidding. It was a close race and Austin decided to blow this race too. Instead of quickly dumping the water in the bucket he poured it as if he as working with nitroglycerine. His slow pouring was the difference in the race. Casaya seems to be dysfunctional in their camp, but they find a way to win when it counts. Maybe I should say, Austin finds a way for La Mina to lose.
High Socks Sally was supposed to be the next person off the island, but Austin and Terry decided that they needed to be stronger in the challenges. They decided to vote for Ruth Marie. Earlier in the show, they had included Ruth Marie into their alliance as a fifth person, only to realize they don’t want her. This is like picking the tallest guy for a pick-up basketball game and then realizing he’s cross-eyed. After researching through The Book of Technicalities, they realized that Dan was the only person who actually promised Ruth Marie that she was part of their alliance. This was right after the I-tried-marijuana-but-I-didn’t-inhale technicality used by Bill Clinton. With a clear conscience, I’m sure they’ll get a good night’s sleep on their tree-branch-stuffed palm mattress. With Ruth Marie getting the exit sign, that makes the fourth straight girl to be voted off the island. So much for Woman Power. I hope Oprah isn’t watching Survivor. She’d have a fit.
I wanted to end the summary this week with a special salute to “The Stupid Person of the Week” that I ran into working at McDonald’s. I bought a Five piece chicken tenders. While waiting, I realized that I had a coupon for a free coke and fries for purchasing three pieces of tenders. I asked if I could use the coupon, and the kid said he would ask the manager. The manager looked at the coupon and said, “No, the coupon says three tenders, and you bought five.” Now you might be thinking that she’s stupid. The actual stupid person was me because I should have said, “OK, cancel my five piece order and give me a three piece order along with my fries and drink…hag”
Until next week, I hope everyone gets a chance to use a nice outhouse.
Episode #5 A Letter to the Editor
Mr. Miyagi told one of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard on Survivor. His tribe had won a reward challenge, and some wine was a part of the prize. His camp was swamped from a torrential downpour, so he went into the outhouse. He said, “I was trying to get comfortable in the outhouse, and I heard a knock on the door. Bobby shows up with a bottle of wine, and at two or three in the morning, with my butt sore, I said I could use a drink.” This sounds like a letter to the editor for Playboy, well actually Playgirl. Come on, we’ve all done it. A late night visit, with a six pack of National Bohemian, and the hope that we might get lucky. The thing I don’t understand is why he didn’t need a drink until after his butt was sore. Bobby had to be thinking; that was easy. Courtney confronted Bobby the next day and he said, “I don’t feel bad that I stole your wine. I feel bad that I deprived them of their wine, but I have no hard feelings about depriving you.” This is the kind of selfish arrogance that gets people voted off Survivor or careers as movie stars.
They actually won the wine, spices, cooking oil, rice, beans, and a bunch of fish from a reward challenge that required them to retrieve all of the above from a boat, carry it to shore, and cut the tail and head off eight fish. Casaya had won, but not because Mr. Miyagi had anything to do with it. He couldn’t throw the fish, catch the fish, or even cut the fish. I thought this kind of stuff was instinctual. I’m Irish, and I instinctually knew how to drink beer and bake a potato when I was six. Casaya eventually found a way to win and her name is High Socks Sally. She couldn’t catch a fish any better than Seattle Seahawk’s Jerramy Stevens could catch a pass in the Super Bowl. With Casaya winning again, Casaya got to pick and decided to send Terry back to Exile Island. It sounds bad, but more and more people are trying to book a trip, but Southwest doesn’t fly there. Aras said he wanted to go to Exile Island and Bruce said, “I would rather go to Exile Island than stay with Courtney.” I should back up a little. Bruce was making a Zen rock garden because he said the garden would bring some Zen beauty to two places lacking beauty, the campground and in some people’s souls. Courtney decided to do her yoga in his garden, which is like stepping on someone’s new tennis shoes. I don’t think Mr. Miyagi minds her messing up the sand, rather he just can’t stand seeing her do yoga. When she does a forward bend, the sand crabs from for cover. I think Bobby said that Courtney is one of the two or three most annoying people in the history of the world. Courtney will probably go far because she’s the kind of person you want to have against you for the final vote. The losers got to keep their beans. Austin said, “We’re jubilant to have food.” To use a word like jubilant, he’s either gay or a writer. Two hours later, both he and Nick were getting sick and…if you’re feeling kind of down, and your underwear is brown…diarrhea cha, cha, cha, diarrhea, cha, cha, cha. Now he’s feeling kind of melancholy.
For the immunity challenge, they had to gather four puzzle pieces. The puzzle pieces were in the shapes of skulls and were in coffins at the bottom of the ocean floor. The pieces were then assembled. I guess the requirement to assemble puzzle pieces is a little obvious. There were some nice underwater shots of Danielle, but Casaya couldn’t win their fifth straight challenge, and La Mina avoided going to tribal council. At council Mr. Miyagi said that people would go to him for advice and then question his advice. Is this a surprise? Going to Mr. Miyagi for advice about anything is like going to Richard Hatch for tax advice.
Bobby got voted off the island in a 3 to 2 to 1 to 1 vote. Three people voted for Bobby, two voted for Mr. Miyagi, one voted for Aras, and Mr. Miyagi voted for the Fred the Camera man as payback for not telling him where the idol was hidden on Exile Island. Bobby had the best goodbye speech I’ve heard on Survivor. It was even better than Judd’s from Guatemala. Bobby said that he couldn’t stomach a lot of these jokers. People in Casaya bonded out of weakness and out of desperation. Courtney, Danielle, and Shane were spineless little twerps, all of them, and just being around them made him want to throw up. I wonder what he really thinks of them. I added some new stuff to my web page so check it out at www.survivorsatire.com Until next week, Dear Playboy, I was a freshman in college…
Episode #6 Panamanian Panache
Dear Playboy,…I’m just kidding. Shane had another fit because they voted out Bobby. Shane said he wanted out of the alliance and wanted Danielle, Courtney, and Aras to release his son’s name because he swore on it. It took Whitney Houston more time to say, “Crack is whack!” than it took the girls to agree to his wish. Shane said he wanted to go into the merge as a lone wolf. This might be the first time in Survivor history that an alliance has aborted for no other reason than the inability to stomach each other. He also has the number two all-time dumb thing to say on Survivor. Number one was, “Hey everybody, I flew the space shuttle in outer space three times. Give me the million.” I don’t know what Dan was thinking. Who wants to give someone a million dollars who has eaten with Neil Armstrong? He should have taken a clue from Gary Hogeboom. Keep your fame to yourself.
This week’s show had me wondering if there was ever going to be a challenge. As I was waiting for something to get going, I decided to multi-task, so I painted my nails. The challenge ended up being a combination reward and immunity challenge. They had to run through some paths, gather four large puzzle pieces, and fit them into a rotating puzzle board. The winners got a Panamanian BBQ in a little Panamanian fishing village with little Panamanians. Did you know there are four foods that start with pan? They are pancakes, panatela, pandowdy, and pancreas if you’re on Fear Factor. I guess you could count panicle, if you’re an insect, or a pansy if you count it as an herb. Panties would count if they were bought in a porn shop. I guess that makes seven. You would keep all these things in a pantry until you’re ready to cook them in a pan. If “pan” words were a Jeopardy category, I would kick some butt. That’s enough of that word or any word that starts with pan. You know when I talk about nonsense like this; I don’t have a lot of material. Anyway, Sally and Dan were the puzzle solvers. Actually, they were the puzzle non-solvers. They blew a lead and never managed to get one piece in place. Cirieal and Bruce solved the puzzle for Casaya. Who would have ever thunk that one? Vegas had their chance of solving the puzzle at 500 to 1.
Casaya got to pick who they wanted to send to Exile Island, but this time, the person chosen would not have to go to Tribal Council. They picked High Socks Sally because she’s the only girl and figured it would be a good strategic move to break up the men. Since I can’t picture Casaya being very strategic, they probably sent her because of the high socks fashion faux pas. While on Exile Island, Sally wanted to look for the idol, but said she didn’t know where to start. If I were her, I would start digging with the steel machete instead of the round rock she was using.
While at the BBQ, Casaya ate like pigs and played with the locals, but never gave any thought to the fact they were in a fishing village. Did they ever think to get some fishing equipment? I would have bartered Courtney for a fishing pole or Bruce for a razor so that I could shave Danielle’s armpits. Shane found someone with cigarettes and went to town. He only had to inhale twice and the cigarette was gone. This didn’t stop him though. He went on to smoke the filter and three of his fingers. Shane should be the spokesman for the “Don’t do Drugs!” campaign. He was playing soccer with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, which reminded me of the field goal kicker in The Replacements. Mr. Miyagi decided to entertain the crowd by demonstrating some Karate moves. I don’t think this impresses anyone. To me, it looks like he’s having trouble moving though beads hanging in a doorway or through a bunch of spider webs. Cirieal should write a book called, How to Fly Under the Radar.” She just might get far because she’s not a threat, she keeps her mouth shut, and several people can keep warm between her breasts at night. At one point in the show, Shane kissed Cirieal. I’ve heard, once you go black, you don’t get plaque. In an anticlimactic council, everyone voted for Dan to “Take Off!”
There’s going to be some kind of behind-the-scenes show next Wednesday and a new show on Thursday two weeks after that. I don’t know what going on with the delay, but the previews show someone having a medical emergency. In other words, one of Danielle’s implants bursts. If you’re interested, I did a summary of the Oscars. It’s on one of the tabs on the Exile Island page. Let me know if my summary was worth the agony of watching it.
Episode #Review March Madness
I am writing this week with great shame. Last week I didn’t know why Survivor was on a hiatus for a few weeks. A few days later, I wasn’t paying attention during a basketball game, and a basketball hit me in the head. At that very moment, it hit me…not just the basketball, but the realization that it was time for the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. This is a great time of year because I can be unproductive at work and not stick out like normal. On Thursday at noon, the tournament begins and the American work force goes on an all-afternoon siesta. I’m surprised the labor unions haven’t negotiated for this to be a day off work. It’s the time of year when the most enthusiastic fan to the nerdiest of nerds find themselves using their lunch money to enter a poll, providing someone hasn’t taken it from them. I always enter enough polls that I’m statistically guaranteed to win. I end up losing more money than I win, but at least I can claim victory in one of the 75 polls I’ve entered. As far as the money is concerned, my kids’ college fund should be their responsibility anyway. They can deliver pizza, take IDs at the field house, serve food in the cafeteria, and work as a cook at one of the college bars. I did, and I did all these jobs on the same night.
Back to Survivor. Last night’s show was called, “A Closer Look.” It gave a summary of the challenges, councils, and extra scenes that didn’t make it into the final cut the first time through. There were several scenes that I enjoyed watching that showed what psychos some of these people are. At one point Mr. Miyagi wanted to wash his hands. They were 50 feet from the ocean, and there was a heavy downpour taking place. These first two options didn’t seem to fit into his plan. Instead, he wanted to wash his hands with the half bottle of drinking water that was remaining. I’m sitting here trying to figure out why some people are so focused on their own desires that they don’t realize there’s a world happening around them. I guess I can partly relate to this because even as I’m writing this, I can hear both of my kids crying. I’d like to help them, but I really want to get this done. There were a few amusing scenes. Courtney separated the soap into a boy’s bar and a girl’s bar because she didn’t like using soap with some hair on it. Isn’t it amazing how they accept deplorable hygiene for a month but will freak out over soap with some pubes on it? In order to torment Courtney, Shane pretended to wash his hind-end with her soap.
Another scene had Danielle telling Bobby how to make fire. He was playing dumb and she thought he was stupid for not knowing how to add sticks to the fire, so she gives up and tells him to go back to bed. This goes along with a new law I added to my website; Women choose ignorance to avoid new responsibilities. Now I know what you’re thinking. Bobby isn’t a women. That’s OK because he didn’t choose ignorance. He only pretended to be ignorant. Thus, my law stays in tact.
In a more touching moment, we find out that the “Boston” tattoo on Shane is not a mailing address in case he’s lost. It is the name of his son. You know someone loves their son, if they tattoo his name on their tit. I’m still a little skeptical on whether or not he loves his son. I think if he really loved him, he would of used a much larger font and maybe underlined it. On Shane’s leg, he has the name of his first girlfriend, but he had a scribble tattoo put over top of it. On his back, is the name of his childhood dog, but he had a tire tracks tattoo put over that one.
I am becoming a Cirieal fan. Not only is it a healthy start in the morning, but she seems to have the most ability in keeping her mouth shut, unless she starts speaking in that high squeaky voice that makes your body shiver. She also has the most realistic view of what’s going on in the game other than Ruth Marie who summed the game up best when she said, “It’s not a game of honor.” The next show will be on March 30th. If something interesting happens on TV before then, look for a page on my website making fun of it.
Episode #7 Machete Mayhem
I was rather upset last night with the show. The trailer from three years ago showed someone needing emergency care. This episode didn’t have anybody needing anything. Unless you count Nick whacking Mr. Miyagi in the face with a machete. His lip was bleeding and his tooth was chipped, but Mr. Miyagi took it like a man. It just really irritates me when shows don’t deliver what the trailers promise. It’s like when Lost has scenes for the new episode the coming week, and then show a re-run. Lost is the only show that has more re-runs than new shows. The problem with Lost is that the story line is Lost. I’m sure it will be found sometime between character backgrounds and more character backgrounds. The other thing that really bothers me is that the end of March is here, and I didn’t get an interview for the show. My video is so funny; they should have put me on the show for the video alone.
This week the tribes merged and called themselves Gitanos. Apparently, it is Spanish for gypsies, but I thought they were some kind of jeans. Mr. Miyagi got to use his art teacher background for painting the banner. You know, that would have been a good time to switch to the background story of Mr. Miyagi being a teacher with more hair and less flab in some school where the pregnancy rate is higher than the graduation rate. There I go thinking about Lost again. Mr. Miyagi definitely has delusions of grandeur. He said, “I’m the swing vote for both sides. It’s such a wonderful feeling to be in this power position because I know I’m going to go a lot farther guaranteed. I felt out the best options of all the other nine players and they know it.” There seemed to be some babbling in there, but I couldn’t help to think that the person who talks like that is usually the next person to go home. With a 6-4 numbers advantage, he should be safe for a while. As far as a power position, he has as much power as the guy behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz.
La Mina was acting like they were thrilled with the merge, but nothing could be farther from reality, other than Donald Trump thinking he has great hair. Terry said, “I was a little surprised by how well we were welcomed. I thought there might be a little more of a competitive edge, but I didn’t see it.” Well Terry, nobody sees the edge of the blade on a guillotine, but that doesn’t mean the result is ever any good. Nick said he couldn’t wait for the merge. That’s like Jack and Rose saying they can’t wait for the Titanic to hit an iceberg. When the tribes did merge, it seemed like the guys were hugging a bit too long. Actually, any hugging at all, is a bit too long. It was funny that when Casaya saw La Mina paddling towards them, they all quickly ate their rice so they wouldn’t have to share. I do that with peanut M&M’s when my kids approach me.
The immunity challenge this week required everyone to hang upside down from a log. They could use their hands and legs. I hope that you can picture what I’m saying. If you can’t, it doesn’t really matter. Cirieal fell first. Yes, what a shocker! When the people from Casaya found out there weren’t going to be any food bribes they all quickly gave up and jumped down. The only three remaining were Terry, Nick, and Austin. Austin said he wanted to appear like he was really struggling so that everyone would think he was weak and keep him around longer. I used the same strategy when I was pledging my fraternity in college. I thought the weaker I looked, the less would be expected of me. Come to think of it, I use this strategy in everything I do. I can’t begin to tell you how low everyone’s expectations are of me. Terry won the immunity, so he was safe at council, and still didn’t have to reveal that he has the secret immunity idol. Although, the trailer for next week shows him telling people about it. This might mean about as much as a trailer showing someone having a medical emergency.
Nick was voted off the island. This really stinks because I had Nick for my poll. What a waste of a hundred bucks. I mean ten bucks. Sorry about the typo, I added an extra 0. I’ve noticed that a lot of snakes attend tribal council. I wonder if they have a poll. In an unrelated thought, Courtney was wearing a feather in her hair like she was Squanto. That name isn’t correct. What’s the other Indian’s name? Abu, no. Oh yeah, Cher. Enjoy the Final Four this weekend. For the record, I have no teams left, but my nephew has three, including George Mason.
Episode #8 It Takes a Lot of Coconuts
I received a great email this week from an adoring fan. We’ll call her Rose because that’s her name. Rose said that I was a racist and ignorant because of my reference to Courtney wearing a feather in her hair like Squanto. I don’t see the connection. If someone says I’m a showvinist because I make fun of people who show things, or a communist because I make fun of Catholics for taking the cracker at communion but not the wine, I can understand what they mean. And what’s up with calling me ignorant? I don’t ignore anybody. I make fun of everyone. I just had a thought. A person is a racist if they have a problem with someone’s race. Does a sexist have a problem with sex? If I offend anyone, keep reading every week because I’ll eventually apologize to everyone.
This week’s reward was for breakfast in bed. Teams of three were randomly chosen and somehow Danielle, Courtney, and Cirieal were on one team, Shane, Terry, and Austin were put on another, and Bruce, Aras, and High Socks Sally were put on the third. Their respective names were “No Way in Hell are They Winning,” “No Way in Hell are They Losing,” and “Mr. Miyagi’s Dojo” The challenge involved loading 100 of your own coconuts into the boats of the other two teams, paddling out for a flag, and returning all the coconuts in your boat to a box up on shore. Aras quickly organized his team and “No Way in Hell are They Winning” by having them load all their coconuts into “No Way in Hell are They Losing’s” boat. This gave them a lot more coconuts to eventually unload and carry up the beach. When Danielle was carrying the coconuts, I couldn’t tell where her coconuts began and her coconuts ended. This might have been a problem for them because the other two boats took off and they had to load the remainder of their own coconuts into their own boat. That had to suck! At one point, Jeff said they had no shot in this challenge. Maybe their team name sealed their fate as a self-fulfilling prophecy. In a stunning surprise, Terry had a total collapse of strategy. There were three key things that he and his team totally blew, and I’m not talking about the absolutely idiotic way Austin was holding his paddle. 1. After making it back to shore, they threw the coconuts onto the beach instead of directly into their net, which created an extra step. 2. They made two lighter trips instead of doing just one heavier trip, and 3. They threw the coconuts by hand into the box instead of just dumping the whole net in at once. Despite their own errors in judgment, one more factor totally blew the race for them. His name is Jeff Probst. When the race was in the final stage, Jeff reminded “Mr. Miyagi’s Dojo” that they needed to have their flag to win, which they had forgotten in their boat. This allowed High Socks to run down and retrieve the flag while the other two finished off the coconuts. Had he not said that, “No Way in Hell are We Losing” would have won. I wonder if there was any complaining about this injustice. Aras said he was worried about possibly exposing his athleticism and his wit. U don’t think so because I didn’t hear him tell any jokes.
I have to believe that occasionally the producers of Survivor allow a rookie to plan the rewards. For winning the coconut race, Mr. Miyagi, Aras and High Socks Sally got to eat breakfast in bed. Are you thinking of a little cabana in some tropical resort? Well stop thinking. This clown put the bed on a sand bar on a day that it didn’t stop raining. Everyone was soaked and so was the bed. The first tray of food was a variety of pastries and a salt and peppershaker. I realize that some people dip their french fries in mayonnaise, but salt and pepper on a danish? Sally said, “I never thought I could be cold and wet and in a bed with two strange men and feel so comfortable.” I guess being cold was a new experience. After getting back to Gitanos, they wouldn’t shut up about the food, and High Socks said, “I just couldn’t eat any more bacon.” Shane said, “That’s a quality problem.” I don’t know why people can’t keep their mouths shut.
The immunity challenge was an extravagant obstacle course that eliminated people along the way. Terry won the immunity again. Despite the immunity necklace being so ugly, it seems to match Terry’s shirt fairly well. Terry decided to use his immunity idol and give it to Danielle if she agreed to switch her allegiance along with Mr. Miyagi to La Mina. This was an aggressive move with a potentially huge dividend or it could be foolish to reveal that he even had it. Austin asked Terry if he or High Socks could have it if they were voted off the island. Terry said, “We’ll see.” Everyone knows this is a parental expression that means NO! If your kid says, can we go to the zoo? We’ll see. Can we go to the store? We’ll see. Is there nudity in this movie? Hopefully, we’ll see. The Casaya people were discussing whom they should vote off the island. Courtney and Aras were getting into an intense argument. You now it can get quite huffy when a fire dancer and yoga instructor get into it. Courtney just wanted to vote for Austin and Aras wanted to vote for High Socks Sally just in case someone would pull out the idol and possibly have Aras as the second highest vote getter. Not a single person flipped, and Austin ended up getting all six votes from the Casaya people. Austin got up real slowly as if he was hoping Terry would give him the idol. He didn’t as you would expect because nobody in their right mind would give it up. I really like the Exile Island and immunity idol element this year. It elevates the strategy like going from Checkers to Chess or Thumb Wrestling to Rocks, Paper and Scissors. Austin is the first member of the jury, so we are in the final stretch. Have a great weekend.
Episode #9 Dumb Danielle
Last night, Danielle established herself as the dumbest person in Panama. She’s dumber than some American that tries to illegally cross the border into Mexico in the hope they might find a better life. The girls were talking about whether or not Terry had the immunity idol, and she went into a speech that had everything except perception, wisdom, and common sense. I will break down what she said and comment on each part rather than think about the whole thing and be sucked into the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. She said, “He had some sort of hidden immunity idol…” How many immunity idols are out there? What sort of idol does he need to convince her? Should it say on the bottom, “Official Immunity Idol of Survivor Panama? If it said, “Official size and weight” then I can understand her doubt because K-Mart puts that on all their sports equipment and it sucks. She then said, “It was something furry.” Ironically, Danielle asked Cirieal what Shane’s private parts looked like and Cirieal said the exact same thing. It was most unfortunate that Shane was experiencing some chafing and Shane made Cirieal look at his private parts to see why they were itchy. The unfortunate part was the fact that Cirieal is a nurse, and the job of looking at itchy groins naturally falls on her. Luckily, she’s not a proctologist. Back to Danielle. Something furry? Does she think that Terry might have killed a mouse and was keeping it in his pocket? She then said, “He might have just found some furry thing in the woods.” That’s the problem with all those camera guys. They’re always dropping furry things around the woods or in this case a jungle Danielle.
The reward challenge was for a chance to see a video from home, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some milk. Jeff showed everyone a snippet before the challenge began, and I learned some interesting things. For instance, Danielle’s sister is pretty hot, but is very poor. If Danielle wins, maybe she will buy her sister pants without a bunch of holes in them. Aras’ father always wanted a teepee and now has one in his back yard. This is OK with me because my initials are T.P. When I was in Junior High, I used to draw teepees on the teachers’ chalkboards, and they never knew who did it. It was my insignia. If any of my former teachers are reading this, yes, it was me. This 25 year old secret is now out of the bag. Courtney has love signs in her family and each family member has a different sign. I have a love sign also. It’s a smack in the ass. I call it “Ass Smacky” as in Assmacky, Japan. I can’t imagine anyone really wanting to learn this about me, so let’s just pretend I made up the whole thing. Courtney’s mother said she has the candles going, the fountain going, the love signs going, and the prayers going. What kind of freak family is this? Didn’t she hear about the study that concluded prayer doesn’t work? Well I personally know that prayer works because I prayed for lots of money, and I always win in Monopoly. High Socks Sally has a sister that doesn’t wear socks. Her name is No Socks Sister. Later in the show when they show High Socks Sally’s family moment, her sister is wearing boots. Her name is now High Boots Babe. Shane was bawling like a schoolgirl that just got pushed into the mud when he saw a 15 second clip of his son. Shane said, “We grew up together, he’s my other half, he is my brother.” The only way you grow up with your son and he’s your brother is if you’re from West Virginia, or is that where your sister is your mother? Insane Shane said, “He’s my best friend, he’s my wife.” OK, now he’s getting a little freaky. If he said, he is my lover, I was going to turn it off.
For the reward challenge, two teams of four had to swing one person around on a flat-body-swingy-thing and gather 15 flags. It was close until Aras knocked down a flag. The time it took to replace the flag was the difference in the challenge, and Terry, Sally, Courtney, and Bruce got to eat and watch videos. I was very happy to see that we didn’t have to watch any of the sappy videos, only because it gets me very teary-eyed. They also sent Aras to Exile Island where he claimed to have a good time. That’s like a Jew saying they had a good time at Auschwitz or some cats and dogs saying they had a good time at the National Japanese Stir Fry convention. The winners also got to have their luxury item. Bruce had a drawing tablet. He’s really good. Sally got a journal. Courtney got her Fire Dancing equipment, and Terry had an American Flag. The flag was put on his Father in Law’s casket. Reason number 58 why I want Terry to win. God Bless America!
The Immunity challenge involved swimming under water, memorizing a pattern of symbols, and duplicating the pattern with a puzzle back on shore. They had a choice to either compete for immunity or eat cheeseburgers, fries, and drink pop during the challenge. They could drink soda for all you people not from Western PA. Immediately Danielle, Shane, Courtney, Cirie, and Bruce went for the food. Terry beat Aras and High Socks Sally for the immunity. There is a humorous element to Terry winning the immunity. Earlier in the show, Courtney and Aras said two very funny things. At one point Courtney said, “I really want to go against Terry in the final two.” I think Terry could even beat her in a Fire Dance. The other funny thing was when Aras said, “We’re going to take him out.” What makes this even funnier is the group to which he was talking. His captive audience was Dumb Danielle, Cirieal, and the Fire dancer. Their only chance would be if Cirieal sat on him, Fire Dancer burnt him, and Dumb Danielle confused him by explaining her theory that paper should really beat scissors because if you cover the scissors with paper, you wouldn’t know where the scissors are. Terry didn’t give the Official Survivor Panama Idol to High Socks, so she is out, and Terry is guaranteed to knock out at least one of the Casaya tribe whether he wins another immunity or not. Giving up the idol earlier might have been a good decision, but it would have been a horrible decision at this point for reasons two numerous to name. I don’t know why Bruce, Courtney, and Danielle don’t switch sides. Their allegiance to Casaya will only guarantee themselves the final six. If they switched sides, they could guarantee themselves at least the final five and probably the final three by doing another flop at the right time. Oh well, what can you do? It’s one thing to write about, but another to actually be experiencing it.
Episode #10 What a Bunch of Crap!
There are two things I just can’t figure out in life. The first is constipation. I just can’t imagine not being able to go. I figure, if you can’t go, it’s because you don’t need to go. How can feel like you need to go but can’t? I just don’t get it. If you didn’t see the show last night, you might be wondering what this has to do with anything. Well, it has a lot to do with the show because Mr. Miyagi was backed up more than I-95 during a hurricane evacuation. He had more crap in him than a Mexican Port-a-john at a construction zone after “Bring Your Burrito to Work” day. Mr. Miyagi had do be taken away in a stretcher after some medical guy evaluated him. I realized this is the first work this guy did in 20 days. Talk about an easy job, even garbage men work once a week. The medical guy gave him a shot of something. My first thought was Mr. Miyagi had just been give a lethal injection and the camera guy hadn’t received the memo that said not to record that night. Jeff later came in and said Mr. Miyagi had been unclogged, and despite gas inhalation for two of the doctors and the necessity of a Haz-mat crew, Mr. Miyagi would be all right. The other thing in life I just can’t figure out is antipasta. How can anybody be against pasta? It’s so good, and there are so many varieties as well as different ways to prepare it. I know there aren’t any Italians against it. I even heard of antipasta bars. These must be places where people congregate and chant, “No more pasta! No more pasta!”
The show started with a reward challenge requiring each person to answer secretly a series of questions about people in the tribe. To win, you had to guess what you thought was the most common answer for each question. These are the questions and answers. Who does the least?-Danielle Who never shuts up?-Courtney. Who mistakenly believes they are running the game?-Insane Shane Who would you trust with your life?-Cirieal Who would you not trust to guard your life?-Terry Who is the biggest poser?-Courtney Who is the moodiest?-Insane Shane Who is the most likely to succumb to intimidation?-Courtney Who is the most annoying?-Courtney Who would never Survive on their own?-Cirie. There were a couple of things that jumped out at me. One, nobody likes Courtney, which makes her the ideal person to take to the final two. People would rather vote for Hitler, Saddhama Bin Laden, or the nut from Korea - Kim Jong-Il. Hey Kim, if you’re reading this, I’m just kidding. Don’t nuke Pittsburgh. If you do, Jerry Porter is gonna kick your ass. The other thing that sticks out is Danielle’s upper gums when she smiles. Cirie won the reward and took Aras and Danielle on the reward with her. Shane threw his cards down, kicked the ground and complained about the outcome of the game. I realized that he was reenacting Mike Holmgren after Seattle lost to Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl. If poor Mike, or anybody else still thinks the referees cost Seattle the Super Bowl, answer these three questions. Who missed two field goals? Who poorly managed the clock before the ends of both halves? Who threw an interception at a critical point in the game? If you answered, “The referees” to any of these questions, then Seattle should have beaten Pittsburgh. On the reward, Cirieal, Gums, and Aras were thrilled to be on the helicopter. It made me think of my childhood. When I was in eighth grade, we went to the World’s Fair in Knoxville Tennessee. My Dad gave each of us $30 dollars to spend for food and entertainment for the week, maybe for two days. I forget. Anyway, my one brother and I went on a jet helicopter ride and our money was gone in 15 minutes. We felt like birds. Not because we flew in the helicopter, because we looked for people dropping french fries the rest of the day. They also got massages and ate like pigs. Gums picked a guy to massage her. She regretted picking the guy because he was too rough. I don’t know why she’s complaining. It’s not like it was the Duke Lacrosse team. I remember the first time I got a massage. I had won a certificate for a free massage, but I was worried that I might get a guy. Just the thought of a guy massaging me gave me the creeps. I ended up getting a guy, but once he got started, I didn’t think too much of it, and now we call each other everyday.
I have just a few final thoughts this week. Why are these people starving, but a crab can find it’s way into one of the pans to find an entire rotting fish? Cirieal was double dipping into the sauce at the reward. Aras’ hairstyle makes him look like he has a cone head. Maybe he has one. Who got fired for not editing Jeff bumping his head on the boat when he got back on it? Shane said his rants about not being chosen for the reward was a calculated plan, and he thinks that subconsciously he controls Courtney, Aras, and Cirieal. We’ll see. While Mr. Miyagi was in terrible pain from his Constantinople, Courtney asked if singing a song would make him feel better, and she wonders why people think she’s the most annoying person there. With Bruce being eliminated because of a crappy break, there was no immunity and no tribal council. This week’s show was a let down, but the season has been great in my opinion. I look forward to the remainder of the season.
Episode #11 Mastermind
When I was a kid there was a game called Mastermind. I wasn’t very good because I spent most of my time kicking everyone’s ass in Atari’s Ping Pong. Boy could I work that control knob. You could say I was the King of Pong, Jai-Alai too. When it comes to Master Mind, Cirieal is the real deal. She’s the Peanut Butter Captain Crunch of Cereals and the Shanghai Zhuyuan of Sewage Treatment Factories. Just so you know, Shanghai Zhuyuan is the largest sewage treatment factory in China. Now you know that I don’t sit around all day at work. I actually research these things. After all, this isn’t just about entertaining all you smart people out there. It’s also about educating all you dummies. Anyway, I’ve been noticing throughout the course of the show that Cirieal has been very good at staying under the radar, avoiding conflict, keeping her mouth shut, and hiding her athletic ability. Well, maybe not that last one. Even tonight, I thought her comments revealed that she had an excellent understanding of the game’s strategies and nuances. She then blew my mind when she single handedly manipulated every remaining person by either misleading them completely or getting them to change their vote. I’m sure other people have made similar fantastic moves, but I don’t ever remember seeing it unfold so clearly. I hope all the people on the show are sitting at home realizing what a brilliant player she has been. To be fair, she’s not an athletic threat, so that earned her a few weeks, and the size of her chest earned her another couple of weeks, at least it did for Danielle.
This week’s reward challenge was a three on three obstacle course in the water in which each person was hooked onto a rope by way of a ring. They had to navigate through the course, retrieve some bags, and make it back to the beach. It was Terry, Implants, and the Fire Dancer against Insane Shane, Aras, and Cirieal. This was a challenge where Cirieal tried to hide her athletic ability and Terry’s team walked away with an easy victory. Shane’s team was so pathetic, at one point, Jeff yelled, “Get your asses out of the water!” To the victor, came the spoils. In this case, it was a beach BBQ with steak and a bunch of other stuff that I don’t care enough to name. Immediately after the reward challenge, there was a second reward challenge for the three winners. They had to use a sling shot to shoot marbles at ceramic squares. Courtney, Danielle, and Terry were competing for a 2007 GMC Yukon. Does anyone wonder who won this one? The way Courtney started out, I thought she might actually shoot herself. Out of nowhere, she hit a couple of her targets. I began to think that there was an expert sling shot person hiding in the woods taking shots at her plates just to make it close. Just like in Beverly Hills Ninja when Chris Farley’s brother does all the work and Farley thinks he’s doing everything. As you can imagine, Terry won the truck. Does this mean that the curse of winning the vehicle will keep Terry from winning the Million dollars. I wouldn’t count on it. Aras got sent to Exile Island where he relaxed and did Yoga.
For the immunity challenge, each person had to hold onto two ropes holding weights equal to a percentage of their body weight while being suspended over water. They started with 20% of their weight and Jeff quickly told what that equaled for each person in pounds. The girls had to love that as much as the pledges for a sorority love having their weights written on their foreheads. As you can imagine, Cirie dropped first. Well your imagination is wrong. Lame Shane was the first to fall. He could only hold 20% of his body weight for 13 minutes. I’m sure little Boston told his dad, “Please tell me you relinquished the rope because of an elaborate plan to strengthen your position through the appearance of inferior ability. If he’s not too smart, he probably said, “You suck Dad!” After adding 10% more weight, Cirie dropped at the 18-minute mark, Danielle at the 19-minute mark, and Aras at the 23-minute mark. After adding another 10%, Terry outlasted Courtney after she made it to 31 minutes. This is Terry’s fourth straight immunity victory and remains the only person to wear the hideous necklace. I wonder if anyone refuses to win as a fashion statement.
Cirieal sees that both Shane and Terry want Courtney to be in the finals because she’s a nut job and an easy one to beat. Cirieal realizes that this makes Courtney, her biggest threat, so she created the plan to get rid of Courtney. At tribal council, The Lame and Insane Shane and Courtney both think that they are voting with Aras and Cirieal to get rid of Danielle. Terry thinks that he is voting with Cirieal, Danielle, and Courtney to vote off Aras. Cirieal’s plan works, and Courtney, Shane and Terry are all shocked by the outcome of the vote. Good bye Fire Dancer. She should have started twirling her torch.
Cirieal decided to go fishing and caught a good-sized fish after two minutes. Aras spent three weeks fishing and didn’t catch anything. I’m convinced the fish was paid to bite onto the hook. Maybe the fish was a Kamikaze fish. At the very least, the fish was suicidal. I noticed on the immunity challenge that Danielle has armpit hair long enough to grab a handful and just yank. The last time I saw armpit hair that long I was rafting down a river with a female tour guide, and she wasn’t even French. I have two questions. Why do female tour guides never shave their pits? And what kind of man am I that needs a woman to guide me down the river? It’s not like you can get lost on the river. There’s only one way to go. It’s not like you stop for lunch and then can’t remember if you were headed up or down the river. You never hear anyone say, “Which way do we go?” or “We’ve been looking at this rock for an hour. Let’s turn around and head down the river.” I can only imagine my wife saying, “I don’t think we should be paddling up the river. Pull over at the next rest stop and ask where we are.”
I think there’s only two more weeks. I don’t know when the finale is. The N.F.L. draft is this weekend. I have my VCR set and ready to go. Not for the draft, there’s a special Bible Man marathon starring Willie Aames from Eight is Enough.
Episode #12 The Arrogant Ass – A Fable
There once was a donkey named Shane. Shane was a real ass, and an arrogant one to boot. Shane was surrounded by other animals that he thought were his friends. There was Danielle, the hairy pitted platypus, Aras, the limp-wristed three toed sloth, who worked evenings as a Yoga Instructor, and Cirieal, the sly fox that everyone underestimated because she had the athletic ability of a drunk uncle at a family reunion volleyball game. One day, the animals decided to have a beauty contest. Shane decided to go for it because he had always thought the sky was blue because the amount of sunshine his friends were blowing up his ass…donkey…hind-end, pick one. This gave Shane the illusion that he was beautiful, so he thought he would easily win the contest. Shane the Donkey told all the cameramen covering the contest things like, “I feel as comfortable as I can feel.” “I’m in a great space.” And, “I feel like at this point I can beat anybody.” When it was time for the contest, Shane wasn’t allowed to compete in the finals because it had been pre-determined that he was too ugly. The moral of the is story is this: If you look like an ass only a mother could love, don’t talk to the cameraman. The second moral is this: It took a long time to think up this fable, so somebody better be laughing out there!
This week’s reward challenge was the summary, abstract, rundown, synopsis, review, or call it what you like challenge. Jeff called it the Give Me Some Love Challenge because the winner got to spend the night with a family member. They also got to pick the different amounts of time each Survivor would spend with their family member. At each section of the course, somebody was eliminated. Lame Shane lost first because he couldn’t find a pillow-sized bag hidden in some sand. Cirieal went out second because she has more ability than Lame Shane. Danielle went third because she’s a girl going against two guys, and Aras lost to Terry in the finals because he is less manly than the average man. Terry got to have his wife stay with him over night at some resort. He also got to pick somebody and their loved one to go with him. He picked Shane and his son. There were private rooms, if you know what I mean. While Terry’s wife Trish was promising to be “good to him”, Shane was trying to explain to Boston what the loud sounds were coming from Terry’s room. Terry picked Cirieal’s husband to stay a night in the luxury accommodations of Club Gitanos, complete with rotting fish, hungry mosquitoes, and a nearby outhouse. Aras got about 15 seconds of hugging his mother at which point he asked her to have five dinners on the table for him when he came home. What kind of kid makes his Mother cook five dinners? She should cook one dinner, and he can eat it five times. Danielle didn’t get any love and had to go to Exile Island. This was Terry’s payback because she didn’t come through for him on the last vote.
For the Immunity challenge, the producers figured Terry would win it, so they didn’t even bother having one. They could have actually done this because he won again anyway and continued his dynasty. Some people don’t like seeing sports dynasties. These same people are definitely not New York Yankee, Chicago Bulls, Montreal Canadians, or Hampton Presbyterian Softball fans. For the challenge, they had to stand on towers, pull buckets of water up to them, pour the water into a bamboo shoot that lifted a flag, and grab the flag. The challenge was half over when Shane realized where to pour the water. His son, Boston said his dad was very competitive. I’m very competitive also, but I’m competitive in the way where I actually compete. Shane’s competitive in the way that he yells at the TV because someone in a Curling match couldn’t reach the opponents stones that are hidden behind the guard because they didn’t make the stone curl more by using a slower speed in the Hackweight Takeout strategy. The only thing I find more amazing than anyone’s interest in Curling is that there is a Curling Hall of Fame. Although, I would rather watch Curling over another close-up of Insane Shane’s tit. That will make you throw up more than an anorexic Olson twin.
Cirieal said her husband was proud of what she had accomplished. Cirieal said, “I’ve underestimated myself for 35 years. Damn, You can do anything!” I can relate to this because I’ve felt this way a couple times in my life. The first was when I completed pledging in college. There was minimal sleep and I was physically drained, and that was only the weekend parties before pledging started. The other was when my wife gave me an IQ test. I scored high, and I remember thinking, Now that I’m smart, I’m going to do something with my life. I spent the rest of the day trying to untangle the knots in my Velcro shoes. Damn those shoes.
Episode #13 The End of a Dynasty
If there was ever a time to be politically correct, I wouldn’t recognize it, but Terry should, and he didn’t. On the way back from booting Insane Shane, Cirieal put her torch down on the ground and Terry made a big deal about it. He not only said she should know better, he compared her to his kids. At a time when you are trying to accumulate votes, you don’t need to piss off the competition by lecturing them like a they’re an eight year old that just burned the corner of your house because he was playing with matches, and then blames the neighborhood trouble makers to avoid any blame. Sorry, that was a personal flash back to my early years. I have to admit, it was a good plan to target the those kids because the story was quite believable. Of course, Aras can’t help putting in his two cents, which coincidentally is the value of his opinion. Terry told Cirieal that if her kids threw things down around the house like she did with her torch, she would slap them. Cirieal said she didn’t slap her kids. At this point, I can conclude one of two things. She is either lying or she has no control over her kids. After all, how can you get your kids to do anything if you don’t slap them around once in a while?
The reward challenge is a rather complicated thing to explain, so I’ll do it in simple terms. Four people were trying to do something at the same time, and sometimes they got in the way of each other. After they did the first part, they had to do something else. The first person done was the winner. Believe it or not, Aras won his first individual challenge, and Aras had a smile bigger than a Russian Cosmonaut realizing for first time, he can get the Playboy channel. The reward was a Yacht trip through the Panama Canal with his choice of a young hot chick, an older chubby chick, or another guy. Terry is married, so he ruled him out, so it came down to Danielle or Cirieal. He chose Cirieal. I don’t blame him because the more I see Danielle, the more I think the winter boot catalog from Field and Stream is sexier than her. Listen to me judging someone’s sex appeal. When I was single, I would have dated a pine tree if the wind caused it to lean in my direction. Terry and Danielle were banned to Exile Island. Terry showed Danielle the immunity idol for the second time. She didn’t believe it the first time she saw it. Just like Doubting Thomas, Doubting Danielle, had to touch it before she would finally believe.
For the Immunity challenge, each person had to solve three puzzles. Jeff told them they would use coordinates to find bags that contained puzzle pieces. This immediately threw Danielle off because as soon as she heard coordinates, she couldn’t figure out how she would use matching outfits to find hidden puzzle pieces. Terry won five straight immunities, but was unable to duplicate the Chicago Bull’s mark of winning six championships in six tries. That’s alright. He won five out of six, which is the same as the Steelers. The Steelers should be six for six. Damn that Neil O’Donnell and his two horrible interceptions! Aras won the immunity and felt like that Cosmonaut after finding some tissues and hand lotion in the overhead compartment.
All the talk leading up to the Tribal Council was about the vote being tied, and Cirieal and Danielle having to make fires for a tiebreaker. At one point Danielle said, “I know he’s going to possibly let me use it.” This inspires the same confidence in me for a weather forecast that says there is a possibility of rain. THERES ALWAYS A POSSIBLILITY OF RAIN!! I can’t stand when they predict scattered showers. Well, no kidding! How can you ever be wrong with a forecast like that? I’m waiting for some idiot to say there’s a 99% chance of the temperature going up or down today. If I was the forecaster, and I predicted that, it would be the one day in history that the temperature stayed exactly the same for 24 hours. All the people who like to point out my faults would never let it go. While I’m on the subject of news, why do TV stations brag about the years of experience their people have? They’re reading teleprompters. If you can read, you have enough experience for that mindless job. Many Vo-Tech students can read well enough to get through the evening news, and they’ll change your oil or cut your hair afterwards.
At Tribal Council, Jeff asked how they felt about making it to this point. Cirieal said, “I’ve been underestimating myself for 35 years. Basically, I’ve been a couch potato all that time.” This is as inspiring as the Bad News Bears winning their first game for their drunk coach. To tell the truth, I am inspired because I’m a couch potato, so for one week I’m going to stay off the couch and only sit on the recliner. The vote did turn out to be a tie, so Danielle and Cirieal have to make a fire for the tiebreaker. During the commercial, I wondered if Danielle could have put together a fake immunity idol and flashed it to Aras just to make him vote for Terry. Don’t laugh, that’s not crazy. Do you think MacGyver or the Professor from Gilligan’s Island couldn’t have come up with a decoy idol? The show ended with the fire contest ready to begin. It’s always disappointing when shows end those three famous words, ‘to be continued,’ but it wasn’t as disappointing as not being able to see a Febreze Family moment. Those moments bring more tears to my eyes than the Hallmark Movie of the Week. When they were showing scenes for Sunday night, it looked like Cirieal had a bigger fire and they showed a scene of Cirieal sliding down some board, so I think she won the tiebreaker. This means Danielle won because I’m usually wrong about anything I predict. One more episode…Yeah!
Episode #14 Season Finale and Apology List
I am once again correct about always being incorrect. This weeks preview revealed to me that Cirie would win the tiebreaker over Danielle, so Danielle won just to spite me. After being prepped in the art of fire building, they both were horrible and Danielle almost won by default because there was a two-day time limit. Cirieal had to go, but not before inspiring thousands of people across the world. Good job Cirie!! Shane said on day 6, that Cirie was the next to go, and she outlasted Shane.
For the reward challenge, they had to get pegs from different puzzles, and then use them to climb a wall also known as a climbing wall. Aras was leading the entire time until Terry beat him in the end. Some might say Terry had an incredible come from behind victory. Others might say Aras choked. The others would be correct. All he had to do was stick four pegs in four holes, but he had trouble coordinating the shape of the peg with the hole. In other words, when Aras was five he would have trouble sticking the round block into the square hole. Sadly, this S.R.S., Shape Recognition Syndrome has haunted him his entire life. Terry won some food and a cot to sleep in that night. Aras the Loser, but eventual winner said things like, “Terry winning can also be a psychological disadvantage” and “If I don’t win, I gave it my best.” These are the kinds of things losers say. He also said the pressure is on Terry and it might be too great. Terry is a fighter pilot. If he can handle 7 or 8 G’s of force flying in a jet, he can handle the pressure of competing against a Yoga instructor in anything.
The final reward challenge not really long, but required a great deal of balance. They had to balance on floating things in the ocean. Every 15 minutes they had to switch to a smaller floating thing. Danielle is a woman, so they normally have a lower center of gravity. Because of breast augmentation, her center of gravity is out of whack, so I wasn’t sure if she would do well. Terry had trouble with the transition between the second and third floatie thing. Aras gave Danielle a smile, she nodded, and he jumped off making her the winner. Therefore, it is still unclear if her breasts played a part in the outcome of the challenge, at least in terms of keeping her balance. Being the winner gave Danielle the choice of whom to take to the finals. She’s not a good liar, and despite telling Terry she was undecided, I knew it was a done-deal. Danielle said she was indecisive because she’s a Gemini. I can’t get over people who think the alignment of stars that are light years away might have an influence on a person’s inability to decide if they want low calorie Italian or Balsamic Vinaigrette with their tossed salad.
Before tribal council, Terry took the time to floss. Where he got the floss, I don’t know, but it was the same color as Danielle’s bathing suit. At tribal council Cirieal, Courtney, and High Socks Sally were all wearing necklaces that they bought at a Panamanian Straw Market because they didn’t look like anything that would be worn in Suburban, USA. Aras continued to claim that he played with integrity despite his lies to Shane. When Shane brought it to his attention, Aras said, “Those hugs we had by the fire each night were real.” I don’t know what they were burning in their fire, but I’ll tell you this; if they ever come over to my house for S’mores, I’m using the microwave. I don’t know what Aras is thinking with his hair. He thinks it is cool, but some day he will regret every photograph and inch of video that he sees with hair like this. It’s inevitable. Just like the mullet. The business in front and a party in the back look can only be worn so long until you realize what an idiot you look like. I know this because I wore my mullet for a year or 5 or 6. There are only two significant comments about the jury. Courtney really is strange and annoying. While getting up to talk she puts her hand on Shane for balance. On her way back, he tried to move completely out of her way, but she still leaned on him. You would have to see it to appreciate it. Shane had the funniest final comments I think I’ve heard. He told Danielle she was useless at camp, she was motivated only to eat, she couldn’t complete a coherent sentence, she contradicted herself all the time, and she was a real drag. To Aras, he said they had an agreement on what is most important to each of them, for Shane, his son, and for Aras, his Yoga. Shane said, “You are broke, you are homeless, and you freeload off your dad.” He had them pick a number between one and a million. Aras picked 4 and Danielle, having never watched The Price is Right picked ten. She should have picked five. I don’t think it really made any difference in Shane’s demented mind.
The show transferred back to New York where everybody looked a lot cleaner and healthier, and even Danielle moved up from the Field and Stream winter boot catalog to the Victoria Secret winter boot catalog. I noticed for the first time that Jeff Probst is short. Jeff immediately read the votes, and Aras won with a 5-2 vote. If Danielle had chosen Terry, the vote would have been the same. I wonder who would have won between Terry and Aras or Courtney and Hitler. Jeff included everybody in the reunion show. He had to rush through some people. Even a few seconds was more than I wanted to hear from Ruth Marie. I think there’s only one more thing to write, and that’s my apology list.
Going through life as an apologist is something I do with pride because I never want to apologize for not being a good apologist or for missing an apology at a key moment. Having written that, it is time to apologize to anyone and everyone I might have offended directly or indirectly during this season’s summaries. If you’ve been offended by anything on my website at www.survivorsatire.com it’s your own fault because I clearly give you a warning on the home page. Anyway, I apologize first and most importantly to Jeff Probst because I want to be on the show so badly, and I’m afraid he has blackballed me because I made fun of his necklace and his height. Come on Jeff, if we can’t laugh at ourselves, blah, blah, blah. I apologize to Oprah, women’s rights activists, and women. I can’t help it. They’re such easy targets. I apologize to Lumber Jacks, Jills, and anybody else who might put Lumber in front of their name. I apologize to union workers, movie stars, gay people, writers, Whitney Houston, Richard Hatch, Donald Trump, Native Americans, Catholics, Ryan Leaf, The San Diego Chargers, Jerramy Stevens, Mike Holmgren, The Seattle Seahawks, ha, ha, ha, Mr. Miyagi’s high school, the guy behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz, promoters of Menstruation seminars if there are any, X-game competitors, retarded people, nerds losers, cross-eyed people, one particular less-than-intelligent McDonald’s employee, K-Mart sporting goods department and the makers of sports equipment that print, “official size and weight” but use abnormally strange materials in their construction, Danielle’s sister, Courtney’s family, High Socks Sally’s sister, people from West Virginia, Japanese Stir fry Convention participants, Jewish people, Mexicans, people not from Western Pennsylvania, garbage men, Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jong-Il, and people who support these nuts, the Duke Lacrosse team, male massage therapists, dumb people who read my summaries, sororities, Kamikaze pilots if there are any alive. If there are, they failed their mission. I also apologize to female river tour guides, Willie Aames, the creators of Bible Man, yoga instructors, drunk uncles that lack athletic ability, the fans of New York, Chicago, Montreal, and Hampton Presbyterian softball, the Olson twins, people who watch, play, or have any interest in curling or the Curling Hall of Fame, Russian Cosmonauts, Neil O’Donnell, weather forecasters, news anchors, TV stations, Vo-Tech students, Hallmark, Febreze, and their advertising department. Furthermore, I apologize to the fans of Lost who patiently wait for a story line to appear, people who like to dance and/or watched Dancing with the Stars, people who dip their fries in mayonnaise, people who suffer from constipation, and people with suicidal tendencies. I truly apologize to the kids I blamed for catching my house on fire when I was a kid. I can say this now because the Statute of Limitations has put me in the clear. I apologize to the producers, editing crew, medical team, and reward challenge crew of Survivor. I hope that I’ll get to meet you some day. If you make me look good, I’ll kick back some of my million dollar winnings to you. I apologize to illegal Mexican immigrants and illegal American immigrants trying to get into Mexico, if there are any, and Bill Clinton. Now that I’ve apologized for making fun of Bill, maybe he will apologize for treasonous activities of selling our secrets to the Chinese. When I say secrets, I mean more than our technology. I’m talking about the secret that he really did have sexual relations with that woman. I apologize to people who have trouble with shape recognition, astrologists and the people who believe in that crap, vendors at Panamanian straw markets, people who have mullets despite convincing scientific evidence that you look like an idiot, and finally all the participants on the show. I hope that if I ever get on the show, I can email you for some advice.
Well that’s it folks! I hope you’ve enjoyed the show, my summaries, and my website. I have enjoyed hearing from so many of you. I’ve gotten emails from Europe, Australia, Canada, and Mars. That is Mars, PA. I will try to update my page in the off-season in preparation for Survivor Cook Islands. One page idea is: Things you will never see me do. It’s almost two in the morning, so if there are any typos, I’m sorry, but I’m just too tired to review this thing. Take care and have a great summer!