Survivor Satire

I liked Fiji because of the double immunity idol and my man, Yau Man.  He didn't win, but he put on one of the most amazing performances for any contestant ever on the show.  Enjoy!

Episode #1  The Heat of the Moment

I don’t know what was more exciting this week, the Super Bowl or Survivor starting again.  Well, I’m from Pittsburgh, so that might be easy to answer.  I was hoping that Manning would win, but other than that, I didn’t care who won.  I just wanted to see funny commercials.  What a disappointment they were.  Not only were they lame, I’ll never buy a Snicker’s bar again.  The only commercial I laughed aloud for was the rocks, paper, and scissors commercial.  This was where the guy threw a rock, knocked out the other guy, and took the beer.  Now that was funny.  Since that commercial was very early in the game, the rest of the night didn’t really do anything for me.

            The beginning of the show tonight was different that anything I’ve ever seen.  Mainly because I missed the first five minutes.  I forgot to set the recorder and got downstairs a little late.  That wasn’t the only thing that went wrong.  My whole family is sick, I had to do some unexpected chores, (You know how that is guys.), I’m tired, I spilled hot chocolate, and Anna Nicole Smith died.  What a day!  I do feel bad for her kid.  The little girl doesn’t have a Mom and two guys are fighting for her in a paternity suit.  Paternity Suit…That sounds like fancy clothes a guy wears when he’s trying to knock up his wife.  Anyway, I know a guy that had plans to check himself into the Betty Ford Clinic when Anna Nicole Smith was admitted several years back.  He was a heavy drinker and thought it was the perfect opportunity to meet her.  Of course he had no intention to stop drinking.  He was enrolled, had his plane tickets, and the day before his departure, he changed his mind.  That is a true story.  I feel confident in saying that this attempt would have outdone every goofy thing I have ever done to meet Estelle Getty of the Golden Girls.  Well, back to the show.

            All nineteen contestants were dropped off on the same island.  Jeff Probst flew over them and dropped a box out of his plane.  He then crashed and joined The Others in an attempt to beat up Sawyer and win the love of Kate.  The box could not be opened with a more traditional method of smashing a boulder into it, so the old guy Yau Man bumped it on its corner, and it easily opened.  Yet another example of age and cunning beating out youth and strength.  I forget how that saying goes, but you get the idea.  He said he was vulnerable because the other guys were half his age.  I think he is vulnerable because they are a quarter of this age.  This is the kind of guy, if he was rich, Anna Nicole would have been after…at least back in the day.  Inside the box was a map and plans to build a shelter, a kitchen, a bathroom, and a 54-inch plasma TV.    The group had to gather all the supplies and begin construction.  They actually had a tape measure, level, and all the other essentials.  Sylvia took charge during the construction because she was an architect and could decipher that foreign language of reading a building plan.  She thought the tribe was fortunate to have her, but in reality, they weren’t building the Sydney Opera House.  I remember erector set plans from fifth grade more complicated than these plans.  Oh well.  She felt important for a couple of days, just like Catholics do when they get to bring up the gifts for communion.  Whippety do.  Sylvia was put in charge of picking the two tribes for being the unanimous leader of the shelter build.  She picked the two teams and was sent to Exile Island.  There were sea snakes everywhere and the first clue said the idol was located back at her camp.  She would have immunity that night and join the tribe that lost the immunity challenge.  The reason there was an uneven number was that someone backed out right before filming began.  I can’t believe they didn’t call me.  Eventually, these people will get smart.

            The challenge was a combination reward and immunity challenge.  Each tribe had to pull two people in a chariot across the Fijian wasteland.  They could pick any two people, so the Green Moto tribe picked Kermit the Frog and Shrek.  These were two bad choices because Shrek is very heavy and because neither of them are people.  The Orange Ravu team picked The Sunkist Orange and some guy from the film crew that had been fake tanning and his skin turned orange.  This team at least chose people, and yes, there is a person in the big orange, but the problem was the large orange was not aerodynamic and the increased wind resistance caused the Orange Ravu tribe to lose.  Moto tribe was rewarded with the shelter and a sofa.  The also got china and flatware more impressive than Hilary Clinton’s requested china and flatware for her home when she moved to New York to terrorize that state.  The losers got a pot and a machete in another part of the island. 

            There was a lot of talk about who would be voted off the island.  At council, there were four people receiving at least one vote.  Unfortunately, they voted off one of the cutest girls on the show.  Jessica was chosen instead of 80-year-old Yau Man.  Surviving past his first tribal council might go down as his greatest accomplishment in his long memorable life.  Who am I to talk?  I can’t even get to the first set of interviews.  On a couple of side notes:  There is a guy named James that people call Rocky.  He absolutely looks like Sylvester Stallone in the first Rocky movie.  However, I can’t stand his Boston accent so I hope he gets knocked out in an early round.  Dreamz is some black guy that is a cheerleading coach.  Oh boy!  He actually was getting on everyone’s nerves by the second night.  He asked the white people to hold up their hands so he could get a count.  What was he doing? And thinking?  I don’t see him or the old man making it very far.  Until next time, have a great weekend.  By the way, as in many times before, the old Asia song that I used for the title had nothing to do with tonight's summary.  You will be humming that song all day today.

Episode #2  The Lunatics are in Charge

            It’s safe to say that the lunatics are running the asylum.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more insane, unbalanced, unhinged, reasonless, demented, scatterbrained, maniacal, delirious irrational, incoherent, frantic loco, nutty, screwy wacky, flighty, distracted, short-sighted group of people in my life.  I’m of course talking about the San Diego Chargers organization for firing Marty Schottenheimer.  So what if he had a 5-13 playoff record.  I’m also talking about the tribe that is starving and dehydrating and does nothing about it.  When Sylvia comes back and gives them some direction, they get pissed off because she is bossy.  This is the same tribe that kept the guy that was alive when the Fiji Islands were found, and voted off the athletic hot chick.  This week they vote off Erica because she screamed for the tribe to solve a puzzle that they were screwing up.  She happens to be the one that found a pineapple grove.  I realize this wasn’t a great feat because it happened to be right beside their camp, in the exact location where they were throwing all their coconuts which they didn’t want to take the time to open and eat.  Erica is also athletic and perhaps a little bossy.  There is a pattern here.  Idiots usually resent leaders because they prefer mob rule.  It’s like in Lion King when Mufasa is killed and the hyenas take over Pride Rock.  They don’t have to listen to anybody, but they’re all starving.  Good job to all the hyenas of Ravu!  They may never win a challenge, unless it is all physical.  Like Rocky said, “These puzzles are killing us.”  I guess their next strategy after getting rid of Sylvia is to eliminate anyone showing any sign of an IQ.  To find out who is smart, they will have everybody count backwards from ten.  If anyone does it, they’re gone.

            At Moto, everyone is eating, drinking, and sleeping on the comfortable couch and hammocks.  Well, not everyone.  Boo is a true misfit.  He bumped into something and hurt his eye.  Later, he was chopping wood and hacked his hand and knee.  After that, he fell off the hammock.  This is a guy that should be in Ravu.  He could lead them to great mediocrity. 

            When Sylvia came back from Exile Island, she said, “I knew it was going to be you.”  In other words, she knew they were going to lose, and she would be a part of the loser team.  I doubt if anyone picked up the unintentional, yet obvious insult.  After losing this week’s challenge, Moto picked Earl to go to Exile Island.  He killed a sea snake.  He said he didn’t like killing animals, but didn’t want to let the snake go because it would be the one to come back and get him later.  The significant thing about this is his reference to Saving Private Ryan, which is my favorite war movie.  Yes, I know.  That’s not very significant, but I like quoting and making movie references.  For example, who said, “I don’t know how to put this, but…I’m kind of a big deal.”? 

            The challenge was another combo reward and immunity challenge.  The tribes had to paddle out and around a flag, and then hook and pull four different floating crates back into shore.  Inside the crates were puzzle pole pieces that they assembled into a pole with the tribe’s flag raised to the top. Ravu was winning going into the thinking part of the challenge at which time they quickly stumbled over their own brains.  Moto regained the lead and won.  For winning, Moto got fishing equipment.  They also decided to send Earl to Exile Island.  Now two people know that the immunity idol is back at their camp.  The second clue said something about being in the center of the island.  I don’t expect anybody in this group to find the statue unless Jeff ties a bag of money to it and lets Anna Nicole Smith help them find it.  Sorry, but I needed a little transition into my Anna Nicole update.  Apparently, there is 500 billion dollars that may go do her baby, and of course the true father.  Is it Howard K. Stern, or one of her former lovers such as Larry Birkhead, or Tsa Tsa Gabor’s old wrinkly husband?  Some have speculated that she might have frozen some of Howard Marshall’s love juice in order to better her chances of getting the money.  Others say it could even be her son’s child, which would make Anna the Mama and Grand Mama.    For 500 billion, I decided to throw my dog’s name into the hat.  If Brutus wins custody, I told him that I’ll never make him go outside to take a crap again.  Some other notable mentions for claiming to be the father include Kevin Federline and Rosie O’Donnell.

            The conversations during the day came down to deciding between Sylvia and Erica.  At tribal council, Jeff asked Sylvia what it was like coming back into the tribe.  She said it felt a little uncomfortable.  Let me tell you what uncomfortable is:  The day after booking a Disney trip, I found out that Tigger was arrested for possession of child pornography. 

Erica is gone.  Who cares?  Her last name is French sounding.  She also works for a non-profit organization, which means she has probably embezzled thousands of dollars.  That’s what they do.  Will Sylvia or Old Man Chan be next?  Probably not.  Anthony is the only person other than Erica to vote for Sylvia, so he might be on the outside.  He also wears glasses, so if the tribe thinks he looks smart, they will say, “Hey four-eyes go read a book!”  Then they’ll vote him off the island.

Episode #3  Sliding Ball Grab

            I’m getting started on this a little late tonight because I couldn’t help watching a re-run of Roseanne.  It was the show where someone sets her up to deliver a lame sarcastic remark about her worthless life.  I guess that could have been all of her shows.  Actually, I was watching the Pittsburgh Penguins win in overtime.  Sweet! 

            Surivivor was exciting too because they used a new challenge.  I would call it the Sliding Ball Grab.  One person from each tribe competed head-to-head by sliding down a slippery course.  It looked like a big tarp that had been coated in Vaseline.  While sliding, gliding, or falling down the course, they had to grab one of two balls hanging from a rope.  The balls were about the size of baseballs.  They were hanging side-by-side.  Each person was only supposed to grab one, but some of the girls and the male cheerleading coach were greedy and grabbed both balls.  There was no penalty for grabbing both balls.  In fact, grabbing both balls added to the excitement of the moment and was actually encouraged by the men.  After the ball-grab, competitors had to throw the ball into a small basket.  The first tribe to six was the winner.  They were playing for a choice of three things.  They could have their luxury items, a full set of fishing equipment like Moto’s set, or a bowl of fruit.  There were eight head-to-head races.  Only three of them are noteworthy. Big Gary, AKA Papa Smurf, fell two times and still beat Anthony.  Boo shut out Boston Rocky as if Boo was Mariano Rivera closing out the ninth to finish a three game sweep over the Red Sox on George Steinbrenner Bobble Head Night.  Ladies, that was a baseball reference.  Please seek male assistance to help you through it.  Boo was finished before Rocky even had a chance to hold his ball.  The last thing I wanted to mention was Sylvia’s attempt down the slippery course.  She had a running start before she dove onto the slippery slope, but didn’t generate any speed, with no speed, there was no momentum, and with no momentum she dropped onto the slope and stopped almost immediately.  She looked like she was wearing a Velcro suit and jumped onto a Velcro wall.  This wasn’t the end for poor Sylvia.  She tried to move forward by using a swimming motion.  She looked like she was on some kind of stationary exercise machine, or like a fly trying to get out of a spider’s web, or a wildebeest trying to get out of a crocodile’s mouth during a death roll.  It was so bad, she might have actually moved backward.  The last time I saw an attempt fail so miserably was when Wile E. Coyote tried to use some ACME Super glue to stop the Road Runner, but got caught in it himself, only to be run over by a truck seconds later.  Oh Ravu, where’s a truck when you need one?  Moto won again.  Even though they already have the fishing equipment, they took a second set.  I was happy to see this because they can double their fishing efforts.  I would have been annoyed if they had taken their luxury items.  Food is what they need, not a 5^th place ribbon for spitting watermelon seeds at last year’s family reunion.  If Ravu had won, they would have taken the ribbon and hoped that a big fish would hop into their camp.  Besides the fishing equipment, Moto sent Sylvia to Exile Island.  I wonder why they did that.  She had to come back for the immunity challenge; therefore, she didn’t have automatic immunity.  The clues told her to look directly under the cave’s threshold and dig deep.  She couldn’t be obvious, so she did some light digging like someone standing on a crowded subway with underwear riding up their crack.

            Back at Camp Moto, Dreamz said it was so funny about how Papa Smurf had fallen two times during the race.  That’s when they realized that Gary was hurt and was having trouble breathing.  They had to call the medical team to remove the foot from Dreamz mouth and then look at Gary.  They told Gary to suck it up for now.  Seeing the medical team gave me an idea.  Since Jeff hasn’t put me on the show, I’m going to get a degree in Medical Teamcology and patch up all the people who should never pick up a machete.  It would probably be easier to visit the place where they are taping, pretend to be one of the natives, and join one of the tribal dance teams.  I still know how to do The Hustle.  One way or another, I’m getting on that show!

            At the immunity challenge, there was a head-to-head food eating competition.  Of course, they weren’t eating pie at the 93^rd annual Possum Hollow Blueberry Festival.  No, no!  They ate giant clams, octopus tentacles, peanut worms, sea cucumbers, fish eyes, and pig snouts.  One of these foods…doesn’t belong.  There’s a melody for that last sentence.  I think it’s from Sesame Street.  When I saw them eating a pig’s snout, I thought about all the Muslims that must have been having a fit.  I hope they don’t declare Jihad against Jeff.

Earl lost to Alex in the sea cucumbers battle.  After losing, he said he didn’t have any water.  When I hear something like that, I just want to punch someone.  Alex didn’t have any water either, and he ate them.  I can’t stand when people complain about something not being fair.  If you’re blind and you’re in a target shooting competition, I can understand a complaint or two about the level of fairness.  That doesn’t mean I would have any sympathy, I just wouldn’t stand in front of you.  Mookie taunted Lili during the contest.  Boo said he didn’t like taunting.  This was right after his pacifier fell out of his mouth.  I don’t care if people taunt because I know why they do it.  They are losers that occasionally get that rare victory, and they want you to feel their daily humiliation.  When you kick ass in every sport you play, like me in the Pep Squad and in Checkers, I don’t need to taunt.  Just so you know, Moto won this challenge also.

At one point during the show, Ravu discovered fire.  Michelle used her eyeglasses to refract the light and get a spark going.  Prior to this, she had been burning ants when someone told her to do something more useful than murdering innocent little creatures.  After they got the fire going, she collected a bunch of ants and through them into the fire.  Finally having fire was exciting for Ravu.  Rocky said, “I’d be scared to be the other team because we’re so fired up!”  I don’t think he intended ‘fire’ to be a pun.  They may have fire, but they don’t know what to do with it.  They’re still hungry, and they don’t have any water.  They are like cave men discovering fire.  Cave men didn’t know to cook with fire either.  They just sat around the fire singing Kum by Yah.

At Tribal Council, Jeff asked everyone from Ravu to describe their camp in one word.  Everyone did all right except Yau Man Chan.  He said, “Not very happy.”  If he had learned the prefix, ‘un’ he could have said, “Unhappy.”  Oh well, this comes from a guy that thinks Yau Man is one name.  In a close 4-3-1 vote, Sylvia was voted off Fiji.  Anthony received three votes, and Rita voted for Earl.  Rita said she wanted to do something that wasn’t with the tribe.  Wow, what a radical!  They better watch her.

Episode #4  Who Can We Afford to Lose?

Tonight’s show had one of the all-time best chillokwees.  If you don’t know what a chillokwee is, you’ll have to keep reading because I’m not ready to write about it.  I noticed a camera shot last night of the stars moving across the sky.  They were moving in a circular pattern, almost as if the earth was spinning.  The more I thought about it, I realized that a spinning Earth might explain why we have day and night.  I’ll study this phenomenon more and report back to you next week.  Speaking of Frosted Flakes, Anna Nicole Smith is finally going to be buried, but the fighting will live on.  The last time this many people fought over a dead body was the International Necrophilia Convention. That’s just sick. 

The reward challenge was for fish, rice, spices, pillows, blankets, and a king sized bed with sheets and more pillows.  Everyone had to get on a balance beam over the water and a person on the end had to navigate over the others to reach the other side.  If they fell in the water, they had to start over again.  Ravu started out strong.  Well, not really.  They were in the lead because Lisi was absolutely inept.  She had as much balance as Ted Kennedy after a bottle of Chivas Regal.  Despite Lisi’s disastrous performance, Moto came from behind and won yet another challenge.  Her performance reminds me of me.  I’ve been on teams that have won championships in flag football, softball, tennis, golf, wrestling, street hockey, volleyball, and line dancing.  I’ve always been the week link, yet we keep on winning.  I’m just kidding.  It was square dancing.  Anyway, they send Yau Man to Exile Island.  They seem to be sending the people they don’t think will go very far in the game in order to avoid any ill-will down the road.

Back at camp, Papa Smurf was still feeling ill, so he attempted to conjure a spell that could make himself feel better.  As usual, Papa Smurf’s attempts in alchemy resulted in an extreme mosquito attraction to his legs and Stacy’s face.  He said it was worse than his tour in Vietnam and worse than the time he had Malaria.  What a sissy!  He needs to suck it up.  One time at band camp, I had athlete’s foot, and I was able to play my flute through the entire Waltz of Flowers by Tchaikovsky.  If I can push through the pain, why not Papa Smurf?

For the Immunity challenge, people had to navigate from one platform to the next over lily pads, unlock someone, race back together in a boat, build a human pyramid, and unlock someone hanging in a cage.  Moto won again, but there was a twist.  Jeff had a bottle with a note for the winning tribe to read…provided the person holding the note knew how to read.  Moto had to choose between immunity and keeping their camp.  They quickly voted to keep their camp.  Therefore, despite winning the immunity challenge, they had to vote somebody off the island for the first time.  How ‘bout them coconuts?  I wonder if Ravu would have taken the immunity or the resort.  Even though it’s a numbers game, I think they might have taken the resort.  It would give them food, comfort, strength, and morale.  As far as going to tribal council, it’s not like they would have any trouble finding a weak link to sacrifice.  Let’s see:  Yau Man or Anthony to name a couple.

As soon as Moto got back to their resort, Dreamz had one of the all time great chillokwees.  Lisi said it was a soliloquy, but Dreamz mangled it just a bit.  He said, “Let’s sit down and talk for a second.  This is what I feel is very important to me.  I’m not going to sugar coat nothin’.  I think we are a tribe right?  We’re honest, right?  Are we snakes?  Anybody here a snake?  Not yet.  We ain’t snakes yet.  Let’s not turn to snakes yet.  So, with that being said, and out of the way, there’s two people we can afford to lose.  I ain’t pointing no fingers.  It’s Cassandra and Lisi.  We can only afford to lose them.  Right?  Am I right?  Does anybody object?”  Lisi’s mouth dropped faster than Paris Hilton’s panties at a Hollywood Whore Rally.  Edgardo jumped in, “I like Lisi.  I vote for Cassandra.”  I can’t believe he asked, “Who can we afford to lose?”  Why not ask, who is worthless? or who sucks?  The amazing thing is he completely got away with it.  Nobody voted for him at council.  In fact, during an afternoon conversation, they said he wasn’t even in consideration for voting.  Lisi and Stacy were both pushing for Liliana because she was flirting with the guys and giving them backrubs.  Under Stacy’s name it says she is a Web Producer.  I guess that means she is a spider or she’s a human that can make silk come out of her ass.  At council, there was one vote for Cassandra, one vote for Lisi, and the rest for Liliana.  She was blindsided and accused everyone of being very good liars.  The funny thing about council was Cassandra complimenting Liliana on her amazing strength.  Cassandra said, “I look for her to go very far in the game.”  Three minutes later, she was going very far to Loser Camp.  One final note.  There was some footage of a snake disgorging another snake or a worm or something.  Does anybody know anything about this?  Let me know at www.survivorsatire.com

Episode #5  All Mouth

I like the twist of having the immunity idols hidden in the main camp.  This week Earl and Yau Man worked together to hunt for the idol.  Earl had everyone go hunt for food while Yau Man dug in the dirt.  The way he was digging with the machete, made me hope that Earl was taking everybody to hunt for food in the Aleutian Islands.  The clue said it was buried deep, but Yau Man only got as deep as a lazy worm in a drunken stupor.  I wonder what they would do if one of them finds it.  There are so many ways it could play out in the game.  Right now, I’m not convinced that they can dig deep enough for it.

The reward challenge was a Sumo-style battle on a platform surrounded with mud in which two people tried to knock each other off using a large padded cushion.  Dreamz was talking smack, so Rocky got angry and challenged Dreamz before Jeff even gave the pairings.  Rocky was stoked which means it wasn’t long until he got smoked.  As usual, Rocky talked a good game, but didn’t back it up.  What is up with the Boston tattoo on his arm?  What is wrong with people from Boston?  They must be the people in America that have this desire to write Boston on their body.  I take that back.  The following is a list of towns’ names and the people that used their town name for a tattoo:  There was a small breasted woman from Flat, Texas, a lazy Mexican from Carefree, Arizona, a history teacher from Boring, Oregon, an Italian from Greasy, Oklahoma, a philosopher from Why, Arizona, a farmer from Sod, West Virginia, some plain Jane from Ordinary, Kentucky, a chubby guy from Bacon, Indiana, and finally some Duke boys from Hazard, Kansas.

Back to the show.  Moto won the first six battles, so it came down to Ravu’s secret weapon, the epitome of strength and balance, Yau Man.  Believe it or not, he beat Stacy, which lowered her from junk bond status to You’ve-got-to-be-kidding status.  In a rematch, Cassandra finished off Rita for the second time, and Moto won the reward challenge.  The first time, it took Cassandra two pushes.  The second time, she was like a woman giving birth to her tenth child, one push and she was done.  Kudos to Rita for making a movie reference.  She said she didn’t know anything about Sumo wrestling except for seeing Fat Bastard from Austin Powers.  She actually said, “Fot Bostard,” but I won’t hold it against her.  Each tribe was playing for two items picked prior to the challenge.  Ravu picked potatoes and fishing equipment.  Moto picked coffee and toiletries.  For winning, Moto got all four items.  With three sets of fishing equipment, it’s time they consider opening up a little bait and tackle shop on the island.  Once again, they sent Earl to the island.  If you put a ‘y’ at the end of Earl’s name, you get a little surprise.  Here’s a hint:  It’s the opposite of what I usually am.

The immunity challenge was a 30-board Concentration game.  You know, pick two items, and hope they match.  Ravu lost.  They did come close, but Yau Man and Rocky both had absolute mental breakdowns and couldn’t remember something they had seen 30 seconds earlier.  I guess I can relate to that because after doing the dance of love, I can’t remember what channel I was watching.

At Moto, Lisi and Stacy were being rude to Cassandra and Dreamz because they’re on the chopping block.  Alex was trying to tell everyone to include them because he’s worried they might flip at the merge.  Nobody had any understanding what he was talking about, and it frustrated him greatly.  Alex had to think they were all meatheads.  Despite being a lawyer, I like him.  Edgardo was the only one to agree with him.

The conversations back at Ravu made it look like Anthony was going to be the next to go.  Michelle, Mookie, Rita, and Yau Man had agreed and had the majority.  At council, Yau Man and Mookie betrayed Rita, and to her surprise, she was gone. 

It’s time for a little rant about concerts.  I’m not talking about the kind with people swaying lighters above their heads and the smell of happy grass in the air.  I’m talking about choirs and symphonic concerts.  This past weekend, I went to Heinz Hall to see my sister play violin.  My rant is not about her because I was so proud of her.  I can remember when she was four years old and just started to play.  The violin was bigger than she was and the sounds coming from the violin made the possums run scared.  Therefore, I couldn’t believe my sister was actually playing at Heinz Hall!  As far as the

concert, there were four components, a symphonic wind ensemble, concert choir, jazz group, and philharmonic orchestra.  For the first group, the conductor went off stage and came back on between every song.  I thought it was some ridiculous ego thing, but then I realized he had diarrhea.  I want you to know, you will never see a conductor go off stage again without thinking about that comment.  I didn’t recognize any of the music, which was the theme of the night.  In fact, the concert was called, “Crap You Won’t Recognize.”  The next group was the concert choir.  Their first piece was the earliest known Christian hymn recorded outside of the Bible.  I think it’s time for this lady to update her music library a little.  If she’s going back that far to find a song, I’ll bet she still hasn’t bought an AM transistor radio.  I guess I can’t talk.  I was listening to my 8-track tape of Cheap Trick the other day on my way to get new front brakes for my roller skates.  The third song they sang was in French.  Just like the first two songs, I didn’t understand a word they sang.  I would have been thrilled if they started singing, “Old McDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I-O” or “I’m a little teacup, short and stout.  Here is my handle, here is my spout.”  Their last song was called, “There Will be Rest.”  Taking the choir literally, I fell asleep.  The conductor for the jazz ensemble was moving his hips and body like he was standing in a bar looking for chicks with enough drinks in him to make his body start swaying to the music of a guy with a comb-over playing in a one-man-jazz-band.  My sister was in the orchestra.  I don’t remember what they played.  Although, they could have been playing a Nazi March, and I would have been smiling with pride.  My tip to all conductors:  Play things people will recognize.  It was obvious how talented all the performers were.  Is it too much to ask us to enjoy their talents and the selections?  My final comment is about the harp.  What an awesome instrument!  Not because of the beautiful sounds it can make, but because nobody has one.  This means that if you take up the harp, your parents can’t nag you about practicing.  Believe me, I know a little about being nagged to practice.  I would lay on my bed for a half an hour each night tapping my drum pad every 10 to 15 seconds.  After six years of being a drummer, I had enough skill to strike the dinner bell.

            Tonight’s last remark is about a question I had last week.  It was about the snake.  I can’t believe how many people wrote to tell me the snake was shedding.  I used to take snakeskins and put them on my brother, so I know it wasn’t a snakeskin.  Did anybody look at this closely?  When a snake sheds, it doesn’t come out of its mouth all wet and yucky looking.  That snake was regurgitating something that it had eaten earlier, like me after eating bad Chinese.  Only two people were close in their responses.  Thanks anyway to the rest of you.  I do enjoy reading emails from other Survivor fans.  Due to March Madness, the next show will not be until Wednesday, March 21^st, so look for the next summary on the 22^nd.

Episode # 6  The Big Switcheroo

            I’m a little screwed up this week with Survivor being on Wednesday night.  I usually cut my toenails on third Wednesday of each month.  I cut them because I don’t have the flexibility to bite them.  They say people bite their nails because they’re nervous.  I don’t mean the people who say, “People who bite their nails are nervous.”  I mean the people who actually do the biting.  That might be true because I’m always worried that I might lose my coolness, or more importantly, my kids might not have inherited my athletic ability.  Well anyway, March Madness has taken over Thursday nights so we must all, “Adapt, improvise, and overcome.”  From what movie is that a quote?  It’s a tough one so I’ll give you a hint:  Clint Eastwood.  I have 13 teams out of the Sweet 16 still in the tournament, so I’m happy.  Maybe I won’t finish in last place this year.

            What was I supposed to be writing?  Hmm, oh yes, Survivor.  This was a big week because the tribes had to switch players and form new teams.  I like the politically incorrect playground picking of players.  It’s an easy way to spot losers for people that can’t pick them out naturally.  Yau Man was picked ahead of Anthony, so you know Anthony’s whole life is repeating before his eyes.  However, the big loser this week was Lisi.  If there was any doubt in her qualifications as Big Loser, she cemented her title when she opened her pie hole.  Jeff started talking to her about being the last one chosen.  I’m paraphrasing, but it went something like this:  Jeff: You’re still in the game.  Lisi: Oh jeez!  Jeff:  Were you worried?  Lisi:  No, I thought this would be like…I’m out.  Now would be a good time to exit.  Jeff:  Are you telling everyone you’re fine with going home?  Lisi:  I’m just saying blah, blah, blah.  Blah, blah, blah.  Talk about a dummy not knowing when to dummy up.  Jeff said that maybe time on Exile Island would straighten her head so she could come back with a desire to play.  He also said maybe she could find the immunity statue and give it to someone else.  If the host of the show is indirectly calling you a complete idiot, you have problems.  When she left, she said, “Bye guys.”  Nobody waved or even looked at her.  Her punishment for being the Big Loser was a trip to Exile Island.  The upside was auto-immunity for the next council.  The bad news:  The poor tribe that loses the immunity challenge has to vote off somebody and they get stuck with her.  I just thought of something.  Somebody that has a symptomatic lack of automatically getting immunity would have Autoimmune Deficiency Syndrome.  They would have A.I.D.S.

            There wasn’t an official reward challenge because of the tribal switch unless you consider Earl, Michelle, and Yau Man getting to live at Resort Moto.  For them, it was the reward of a lifetime.  Edgardo, Alex, and Dreamz got the shaft and had to move to the slums of Ravu.  It bothered me that Jeff said, “All the clues are still in play just like they always were.”  The people who have been to Exile would automatically know what he meant.  Anyone with a brain and two ears would at the very least have to consider carefully why Jeff would make such a peculiar statement.  I think the people who were at Exile Island should have been told privately that an idol exists in both camps.  Maybe not even tell them.  If they have any brains, they would have to assume that both camps would have an idol.  Yeah, I know.  Don’t assume because you’ll make an ass out of you and your wife.

            After the new tribes went back to their camps, Alex quoted a line from The Count of Monte Cristo.  I like this group because there is a movie reference every week.  Earl acted as if he found the ring in Lord of the Rings before Frodo or even Gollum got their hands on it.  He said, “Who has all the power?  That would be me.  Everything is going to have to go through me.”  He even claimed to have started the new Team Moto.  That’s like Al Gore claiming to have invented the internet when everyone knows it was Halliburton.    I thought Earl was going to be voted off the island because of all his proverbial famous last words.  Rocky was almost as bad.  He said, “The bad times are about to go.  On paper, we’re a Super Power.”  Iran thinks they’re a Super Power.  We’ll see what happens to Iran and Rocky soon enough.  Anthony went in the opposite direction.  He said, “I’m a nerd, geek, dweeb, or whatever you want to call it.”  Might I add, gay.  He needs to develop some self-confidence.  He should play Pin the Tail on the Donkey against a cross-eyed kid.  Once he gets a few wins under his belt, he can roll that confidence into a bigger challenge like running the 100-meter high hurdles against a midget.

            I have a mini random rant this week.  I don’t like when people try so hard to speak in proper English that they get it wrong.  For example, Betty kisses good.  The majority of people know that is incorrect because Betty has bad breath, crooked teeth, and narrow lips.  It should be:  Betty doesn’t kiss well.  If asked how you’re doing, don’t say, “I’m well.”  Yuck, No good!  It is, I’m good or I’m doing well.  The sentence structure is either Noun Linking-Verb Adjective or in the second example, the Adverb, “well” modifying the verb, “doing.”  My other English pet peeve is when people say something like, “Sally gave Herpes to Betty and I.”  If you are the subject of the sentence, say I.  If you are the object of the preposition, say me.  We should all know to say, “Betty and I went over to Sally’s and beat her with a reed.”  Now I’m going to get 20 emails with people telling me not to end sentences with prepositions or other things I do wrong.  What if I want to?  If this is the most ridiculous rant you’ve ever read, say, “Me!”

The immunity challenge was new and interesting.  Each person was belted into a six point sliding hub.  It looked like an asterisk where the lines could slide back and forth.  Each team of six had to navigate through a course that included five gates and the occasional collision with the other tribe.  It looked difficult and even brutal at times.  This was an example where I wonder how long the challenge lasted.  I think it would be interesting to know if something takes five minutes or five hours.  It was very close all the way, but in the end, Moto won again.  So much for the Super Power.  Right little boy from Boston with the big mouth?

I don’t know if this week’s summary is any good.  The show didn’t give me a lot of good material, and this Wednesday thing has just thrown me off completely.  The entire time I was typing, I couldn’t help thinking about my toenails.

Episode #7  My New Hero

Last night’s show was very good.  Actually, it was excellent because I just thought about who was voted off the island, and that alone makes the show excellent.  I’ll get to that later.   In the meantime, I have a new hero, and is name is Yau Man.  That’s right man, Yau Man.  When I was younger, my heroes were Jack Lambert, Mario Lemieux, and Pat Benetar, but now…Yau Man.  Once again, Earl drew the people away from the camp while Yau Man hunted for the idol.  This time he found it.  It was a turtle on a rope, kind of like soap on a rope, but without the cleansing capabilities.  He began to kiss it almost as if he wanted to pleasure the turtle.  Luckily, the tribe came back and broke up his little one-on-one.  I wondered if he would tell Earl.  If it was me, I probably wouldn’t tell Earl, but Yau Man did the stand up thing and told him.  During an interview, Yau Man said he had two priorities.  His first priority was not to let anyone know he found it.  For his second priority, he said, “I have a really evil thought.”  He decided to make a fake immunity idol out of a coconut, paint it, and bury it in the dirt.  I have often thought that I would make a fake idol, and fool people into thinking that I had it.  I don’t mean making an idol some weekend when I’m at home with nothing to do.  I mean if I was on Survivor.  Anyway, I really like his sneakiness.  I’ve heard of faking an organism, in fact I did it once myself, but faking an idol is a stroke of genius.  I hope it works.  The thing that made me laugh was when he was worried that if somebody found it, they might not think it was the idol, so he painted, “I I” on his fake idol to convince people it was the Immunity Idol.  If someone finds it and falls for his trick they will be the “I I  Island Idiot.”  Although, it would be hilarious for someone to show up at council and have them whip out their false idol.  The look on Jeff’s face would be priceless.  I wonder when God said not to worship false idols, if he meant Yau Man and his painted coconut.

This week’s reward challenge was using a flamethrower, which looked like the thing used in Jai Alai, to throw a fireball.  This was an actual ball of fire, not something you take out of your mouth every five seconds because it’s too hot. They had to shoot three targets.  Dreamz and Mookie won for Ravu and Yau Man won for Moto.  It came down to Dreamz beating Earl a second time for Ravu finally to win something.  Because of the tribe shift last week, this means that Earl, Michelle, and Yau Man have yet to win a reward challenge.  I think.  If I’m wrong, so what?  I was wrong to have a mullet, and I still turned out somewhat well adjusted.  For winning the reward challenge, Ravu went to a Fijian Arcade called Kava Bowl.  This sounds like something you would see at EPCOT, but it was on some random Island, somewhere in Fiji.  After stuffing themselves with beer and hotdogs, the Ravu tribe played pool, bowling, and a golf simulator.  Rocky teased everyone for wanting the food for so long and then getting sick when they finally got it.  He is the dripping faucet, buzzing bee, liberal Democratic embodiment of human annoyance.  He walks around with his arms spread out as if he was muscular, when actually he’s just a skinny wussy.  If you want to know how I really feel about him, he’s from Boston.  Make sure you say Boston pronouncing the “o” the goofy way they pronounce them up there in Boston.  He’s all mouth, he has stupid tattoos, and he doesn’t back up anything.

In the Immunity Challenge, there was one signal caller, and everyone else was blindfolded.  One person at a time had to walk out, find a hanging skull, crack it with a Fijian war club, pick up a couple tiles with letters on them, walk them to a table, and get back to the rest of the tribe.  After five skulls were broken, the tribe had to assemble the tile pieces into a two-word phrase.  The first signal callers were Michelle and Lisi.  Lisi was not very good, so Alex immediately replaced her when he was finished.  Michelle was excellent at directing the people, and she was entertaining at the same time.  She would shake her hips as she called signals and for an entertainment bonus, she fell off the tower from which she was calling signals.  It was only a height of five or six feet, but still scary.  The good thing for her was the fact that everyone was blindfolded, so nobody knew she fell.  She jumped back up on the tower and didn’t have the embarrassment associated with the common fall.  Michelle told Boo to go to the left, but he kept moving to the right.  She had to actually clarify for Boo which way was his left.  What a dummy!  When he was done, Boo told Michelle that he would take over signal calling because he had a loud voice.  His first command was, “Hold on.  I’m blind!”  He couldn’t see until his eyes got used to the light.  How much time they lost is hard to say, but they fortunately won.  This I-can-do-it attitude from Boo reminds me of my kids wanting to feed themselves rice.  Of course, It’s always me spending ten minutes picking up sticky rice off the floor.

That afternoon Ravu debated whether Lisi or Rocky would go home.  One of the two is a psycho-loser and the other a loser-psycho, so pick one.  The Ravu tribe wouldn’t miss either of them, but at least with Lisi they think they can trust her.  So, bye, bye Boston loser.  During his exit interview, he screamed like someone being smacked on the back after being in the sun too long.  The disappointing part is that he is the first member of the jury, so we’ll have to watch him enter the tribal council every week along with countless shots of his facial reactions to what people say.  Darn, if he had just been picked one week earlier, we wouldn’t have to see him until the finale.  What can you do?  I don’t have a rant this week, but I do have all four teams in the Final Four.  Go Florida and Ohio State!

Episode #8  Fijian Idol

What a week!  After 20 years of trying, I finally won a March Madness basketball poll.  Although, I’m really disappointed.  The organizer of the poll said there were over four hundred entries, so I thought I was going to win over $1,500.  Unfortunately, he was joking, and I only won $300.  Worse yet, I treated everyone in my office to a catered lunch to celebrate my big winnings.  That cost me $425, so now I’m down $125.  After speeding to get back from an appointment in time to pay the caterer, I got a speeding ticket, so there’s another $90.  Does everyone understand the evils of gambling? 

The show started tonight with Mookie, Edgardo, and Alex hunting for the idol, for which Lisi gave up all the clues.  Her one clue was that it was on the highest part of the island, which tells you her reading comprehension level.  They found the idol while Dreamz and Lisi were sleeping only feet away from them.  They said they would share it, although Mookie is the one holding it in his pocket.  We’ll see how this all plays.  When Mookie was pushing the dirt back, Lisi woke up and asked what he was doing.  He babbled a little, so she thought she was smart and said, “Dude, You’re going to have to wake up really early to fool an old cat like me.”  I don’t know what time it was, but it was early enough for three guys to dig a hole a few feet away from her, find the idol, cover the hole, and run into the woods to discuss their victory.  She’s so stupid, they could have told her they were digging a hole to find fresh water.  I don’t even think there is a need to fool her.  They could have told her the truth, and she still wouldn’t have gotten it. 

The tribes each were told that for the reward challenge they would have to compete in a “dance-off.”  The tribes were ready after taking two hours of dance lessons from several local Fijian dancers.  Alex said he couldn’t believe that they were losing to a bunch of women and an old man.  That is a little embarrassing.  On paper, Moto wouldn’t be allowed into the same competition as Ravu.  However, as they say, “That’s why they play the game.”  Lisi’s view of competition is simple.  She said, “Challenges…honestly, I don’t take seriously.  I don’t think we should be out there brooding, we gotta win.”  What a loser.  Throughout the show, she continued to call everyone in her tribe losers, but she is the only real loser…well, besides Rocky.  For the competition, they were to be judged by three Fijian judges for appearance, authenticity, and spirit.  The winners would eat a Fijian Feast and send Lisi to Exile Island again.  Whoops, did I just spill the coconuts about who would win this challenge?  The judge’s names were Paula “The Drunk” Coconutto, Randy, “Stomach Staple” Blubberudu, and Simon, “The English Ass” Rudeo.  During practice time, Earl said he had Michael Jackson moves.  This is a little creepy because it meant he had warm milk, a secret bedroom, and a young boy whose parents were looking to sacrifice their son to a wealthy pedophile in the hopes of cashing in on a lawsuit.  After the dance, Simon said Ravu had no rhythm, no style, and they looked like those animals in the jungles with the big eyes.  Moto won the big “dance-off” and feasted on chicken, pig, and a bunch of other stuff.  Lisi did indeed go to Exile Island again.  Moto said they sent her because nobody else would be getting clues, but in reality, they were trying to spare Ravu of having her around for a day or two.

The Immunity Challenge was a shooting competition.  Each person had to blow a Fijian…dart, throw a spear, and shoot a bow and arrow.  Edgardo said, “I never say that I’m good, but I’m pretty good at archery.  I’m feeling good because I have a lot of confidence in my archery abilities.  I feel like this is my time to shine.”  Does anybody know where this is going?  This was the first time he really did any substantial talking, and the whole time I was thinking, “Shut up!”  These people never fail to eat their words.  It’s like the cameraman is walking around with rope asking if anyone wants to hang themselves, and they all jump up to grab the rope.

Moto won the blow darts for one point.  For the spears, Yau Man stepped back and ran towards the throwing line before launching the spear.  He got the closest and won that round for Moto.  The thing that really helped Yau Man was finding the center of gravity for the spear.  I don’t think anyone else did this, yet they couldn’t figure out why the spear was flying into the ground ten feet short of the target.  Alex had the distinction of being the only person to hit both teams’ targets with one spear.  Unfortunately, it didn’t stick in either target.  You could hear Lisi laughing in the background.  When you have someone like Lisi mocking your athletic ability, it is time to sign up for the scarf knitting class.

For the final round, Yau Man made a tough arrow shot to beat.  As they say, “To be the man you have to beat Yau Man.”  It came down to Ravu needing a strong shot from Edgardo, “It is my time to shine.” Rivera.  He couldn’t even hold the bow and arrow correctly, and missed the target by 15 feet.  He must have been the archery champion at the Nerf Olympics when he was in seventh grade.  Most people were horrible in this challenge, but there was actually somebody this week that would have made these goofs look like Robin Hood.  The Mayor from Cincinnati threw out the first pitch and missed the catcher by 30 feet.  Since he only had to throw the ball 30 feet, you can get the picture of how bad he was.  If I was blindfolded and spun in a circle ten times, I think I could still have gotten closer than this prior high school Book Club President.  He’s probably a Democrat.  Moto won another immunity challenge and Ravu got front row seats to the tribal council. 

That day, Lisi said she wanted to give up because she felt she had accomplished everything she wanted to do and just wanted to be done.  Obviously, she knew she would be going home, so she remembered reading in the book, The Born Loser – A Practical Guide to Being a Failure, and what it said in Chapter 6, The Art of Avoiding Failure.  “Always quit before actually failing.  Use excuses like: It’s time for dinner, My dog is sick, or I have to change my tampon.  Use combinations if possible like: I have to change my dog’s tampon before dinner.”   Later in the day, she changed her mind and told Alex and Edgardo that they should vote for Dreamz.  Oh boy, the drama builds.  Keeping Lisi around for any longer than necessary would be like finding a leech on your arm and keeping it around for a while.

At council, Lisi couldn’t give a straight answer on whether or not she wanted to stay in the game.  Jeff asked Dreamz if he had the desire to continue.  Dreamz said, “If I die, recipitate me at the finish line.”  I’m not sure what that means, but I hope it involves some champagne and a cute girl.  Everyone voted for Lisi.  It was great to see the two biggest idiots voted out now before they could go any farther.  There was real animosity between Lisi and Dreamz.  While writing each other’s names at council they were talking trash.  Dreamz said, “I’ve been waiting to do this for a long time.”  Lisi said, “You’re a grown man, consider a name change.”  I have to admit, this made me laugh.  During Lisi’s final interview, she said, “When the ship is sinking, you get off the ship.”  It wasn’t like she was getting off the Titanic and hopping onto the Carpathia.  She was jumping out of the Hindenburg and hopping onto the Titanic.  “You’re losers.  Hold onto yourselves because together you’re nothing.”  Huh?  This girl could put on a clinic for stupidity.  Half of what she says doesn’t make sense and the other two-thirds doesn’t make sense either. 

I have a few final thoughts.  I was kidding about the basketball poll.  I won the $300, but I only spent $20 on lunch.  Luckily, we have a small office.  Finally, the Pirates are in first place with the best record in baseball.  Go Buccos!  Hockey playoffs start next week.  Go Pens!  The Steelers start training camp in three months.  Go Steelers!

Episode #9  High Expectations

Tonight’s show was very enjoyable because the twists kept the tribes guessing more than the average person trying to choose the correct bathroom at an Outback Steakhouse.  You might not find that humorous until the next time you go to an Outback Steakhouse.  There were also many high expectations that ended in disappointment, much like ordering a “tall” frappuccino at Starbucks and getting the smallest cup they have.  Can anyone, anyone at all, tell me what that is all about?

The show started with the tribes being told to pack up and head to Exile Island.  They weren’t supposed to bring anything except their personal belongings.  This was great news for the person to which Lisi had given her hat at the end of the last tribal council.  They didn’t show it, but I’m sure they were thinking, “Good, now I’m not responsible for that stupid thing.”  I would have burned it in the fire.  The merger surprised nobody.  They were instructed to paddle back in one boat to the Moto camp.  This was thrilling news to Edgardo, Alex, and Dreamz because they were going back to their luxury camp.  To Mookie, it was like winning the paternity suit for Anna Nicole Smith’s kid.  I’m a little disappointed my D.N.A. didn’t match, but I’ll keep my head up high and just be thankful for the time Anna and I spent together.  Everyone got back to Moto, and the camp had been dismantled and restored to its original state, just like in the movie Clue, when people entered a room after a murder only to find no trace of anything.  Hopefully, there is one thing remaining, and this is the fake immunity statue that Yau Man hid.  I hope someone finds it.  Mookie is the only person that never enjoyed the good life at the luxurious Moto camp.  It’s like Moses wandering around a desert for forty years and never being able to see a land flowing with milk and honey.  In Mookie’s case, he was wandering around a beach for a few weeks never being able to see a camp flowing with fishing equipment and toiletries.

The next surprise came when the new Bula Bula tribe went to the reward challenge.  Jeff had everyone pick a colored stone out a bag.  Five were orange and five were green.  The orange team was called the Tennessee Volunteers because that’s their color, and the green team was called the Nappy Headed Hos because that’s the team Tennessee played in the Chicks Basketball Championship.  People thought they might be going back into separate tribes, but it was only a temporary split for that day.  For the challenge, the two teams had to memorize the shapes and arrangement of six puzzle pieces, paddle down the river to three stations to pick up the puzzle pieces, paddle to the finish line, and then have two people put the puzzle together and arrange the pieces in the original order.  At the first station, either Stacy or Michelle had a lot of trouble removing the puzzle pieces, and they lost a lot of time.  The orange team eventually held off a late charge by the Hos and won the race.  The winners were Edgardo, Earl, Yau Man, Cassandra, and Boo.  For winning, all five were granted immunity and given a steak dinner with vegetables and a couple bottles of wine.  The Nappy Headed Hos were Michelle, Stacy, Alex, Mookie, and Dreamz.  For losing, they got a note from Jeff that said they had to go immediately to tribal council without any time to consult with each other, Al Sharpton, or Jesse Jackson.

For most of the show it appeared everyone wanted Boo voted off the island.  This was a surprise to me because I don’t remember anything negative ever being said about Boo.  He even said that he knew he was the next person to be gone.  Fortunately, for Boo, his team won, and he avoided council.  That has to be the same feeling as speeding in your car, hearing a police siren, and then watching the cop pass you by in order to get someone else.  The second person on the list to go was Michelle or Stacy.  Dreamz and Mookie had made it very clear that if Stacy stuck around any longer, she would eventually help eliminate both of them.  So, for whom do you think Dreamz voted?  He voted off Michelle and kept Stacy alive in a 3-2 vote.  He voted against his own plan much like the Democrats voting to go to war and then voting not to fund the troops, or John Kerry’s famous line, “I actually voted for the 87 billion dollars before I voted against it.”  Michelle and Stacy painted the new banner together, and they were all chummy throughout the show, but when it came down to the vote, they voted against each other.

Many things can change in a week.  The Pirates suck again, and the Penguins got crushed in their opening playoff game.  I’m not worried yet.  They’ll bounce back.  Have a great weekend!

Episode #10  The Departed

            In Martin Scorsese’s film called The Departed, the mob sends someone to become a police officer and the police send someone to infiltrate the mob.  Dreamz is both of these people.  Throughout the show, he was going back and forth between the Four Horsemen and the Four Incongruents.  Dreamz would report to each group every part of each other’s plan until they finally discovered he was a mole and they kept him out of the final decisions.

I’m getting ahead of myself, so let’s go back to the Reward Challenge.  It was the traditional challenge where everyone wrote down answers to questions about people in the tribe.  Each person had to guess what person was the most popular answer to each question.  Each time they were correct, they got to destroy someone’s tower.  Each person had three towers.  The questions and most popular answers were as follows:  Who would you most trust with your life?-Earl  I wouldn’t trust Earl with my roll of Lifesavers.  Who would you least likely invite to family dinner?-Boo  Who has the most sense of entitlement?-Alex  Of course, who else but a scum of the earth lawyer.  Who would you most want to be stranded with?-Yau Man  I guess this is a good choice as long as he does all the work, and I just sit around and take naps.  Who don’t you want to see again?-Stacy  Ouch, that has to hurt the self-esteem.  It’s her own fault.  She treats people like crap, so I’m glad she got a reality check.  Who smells the worst?-Dreamz  I think there was some element of pride with him.  Who mistakenly believes they are in control of the game?-Alex  Who has wasted this great opportunity?-Stacy  Who surprised you the most athletically?-My man, Yau Man.  Cassandra got every question correct and nobody knocked out her towers, so she won a night out on a 70-foot luxury yacht.  It only looked like 65 feet to me, but I could be wrong.  She sent Mookie to Exile Island.  She picked Dreamz, Boo, and Yau Man to go on the yacht with her.   They ate, drank, and watched some fireworks.  Yau Man hooked up with Cassandra in the master bedroom.  Boo hooked up with Dreamz in the galley.  On the yacht was where they converted Dreamz to the Four Incongruents.  I’m not saying it was difficult.  In fact, getting Dreamz to switch allegiance is easier than getting Brittany Spears pregnant.

For the Immunity challenge, each person had to prop themselves between two boards supporting themselves only with their arms and their feet which rested on two ½ inch boards.  Every half hour, they had to move lower onto more narrow boards.  Cassandra went down after 10 minutes.  Then Edgardo, Earl, Mookie, Alex, and Dreamz fell.  Stacy and Boo lasted around an hour and fifteen minutes, but Yau Man eventually beat them all.  Yau Man is in good position with his first individual immunity win along with still having the hidden immunity.  Most people think that Earl has it.

The next fifteen minutes of the show was a mad scramble for position, vote counts, and alliance verification.  This is where Dreamz went to town with the Undercover Brother work.  The Four Horsemen thought Alex would be voted off the island so they came up with a plan.  They had Mookie slip the idol to Alex so he could use at council.  The idea was good, but the execution was horrible.  Mookie tried to slip it under his leg, drop it to the ground, and have Alex grab it.  This was as awkward as having someone carry a baton in their sock and having someone else try to grab it during a handoff in a relay race.  I don’t know why Mookie didn’t go for a walk in the woods and just hand it to Alex.  Dreamz saw the handoff and reported it to the Incongruents.  They decided to vote for Mookie instead.  Dreamz told the Horsemen of the change in voting strategy.  To throw everyone off, the Four Incongruents secretly plotted to vote for Edgardo without telling Dreamz. 

At council, Alex played the immunity idol because he thought he was still the target of the Incongruents.  Dreamz voted for Mookie, three people voted for Cassandra, and everyone else voted for Edgardo.  This really caught him by surprise.  In his goodbye, he said, “Cassandra, I hope you get voted off next because I don’t like you very much.”  This vote means that Alex used the immunity idol without having anyone vote for him.  Using the immunity idol and getting no votes is like using a condom and getting no action.  Jeff said the idol would be hidden again and new clues would be used.  Unlike the condom, at least they can reuse the idol. 

            My rant tonight is about that jerk off at Virginia Tech.  I’m really sad about the massacre.  I’m tired of these losers destroying families and then taking their own life to get off easy.  It’s always the same thing.  The world is unfair and people are mean.  My mother left my Dad, my three brothers, and my sister when I was five.  I was a poor farm boy.  I wore pants that were half way up my calves.  Girls wear the same pants today, but they are called Capris.  We called them floods.  When we didn’t have money to pay for hat water to take baths, we boiled water in a kettle to take a bath.  When we sold our house and bought a house trailer, I had to sell my toys.  I peed my bed until I was thirteen, and that was in our trailer in a bedroom I shared with three brothers.  After college, I worked as a waiter while I was a substitute teacher for three and a half years.  My third job was managing an apartment building.  For grocery shopping, I would only purchase buy one get one free food.  I ate a lot of pierogies.  I would make pancakes and freeze the extras to eat for a later meal.  To save money, I didn’t heat my apartment.  I slept in two pairs of sweats and used several blankets.  The bathroom was very cold each morning.  I didn’t have the easiest life, but I never went postal either.  I guess I never blamed anyone.  I took responsibility for my own life and had a burning desire to make it better.  These people need to see the clothing I’ve worn throughout my life.  Maybe they’ll put things into perspective and realize their life isn’t so bad.  Either that or send them all to the Land of Misfit Toys and let them play until they sort things out for themselves.  Being serious once again, please pray for all the families whose lives were shattered this week.

Episode #11  Too Grate Branes

            During last week’s tribal council, Dreamz backstabbed the Four Horsemen.  At the beginning of this week’s show, he tried to act as if he didn’t know anything about the plan.  He said, “I wanted them to think that it wasn’t my fault.”  This is like Barbara Walters saying she didn’t know anything about Rosie O’Donnell getting fired.  Barbara Walters is the Executive Producer and part owner of the show.  For Barbara to say she didn’t know is like her brain telling her ass, “I didn’t know you just shit in our new granny underwear.” 

            I like this group because they make movie references every week.  This week it was Mookie referring to Scarface.  The only problem is that they aren’t high on cocaine so one of them was going to feel the heat of each vote as it burned its way through their heart.  Mookie realized that Yau Man might have the idol, so he and Alex rummaged through Yau Man’s personal bag and found it.  At this point, I thought they were going to steal it, but they put it back in the bag.  I wonder if there are any rules about this kind of behavior.  I would have stolen it.  Even if I didn’t steal it, at the very least, I would throw it in the ocean so they couldn’t use it.  Better yet, I would secretly give it to someone and leak the information to everyone.  I guess Yau Man’s fake idol with “I I” painted on it might never come into play.  Too bad.  I would love to see Dreamz running his mouth about having the idol and then trying to prove it by pulling out his hand-painted coconut, especially if it was at council in front of Jeff and the jury.  Sorry about the tangent.  Alex and Mookie were happy with their cunning plan.  Mookie said, “Two great brains working together.  We’re on top of the world.”  Unfortunately, for the two great brains, Stacy and Cassandra were on the other side of the bush listening to their conversation.  It’s pretty bad when the two smart outcasts can’t find a private place on an island to have a conversation.  What’s worse, is that they didn’t see the cameraman that was with the two chicks on the other side of the bushes.  You would think that Mookie and Alex would have seen the two camera guys wave to each other when they got close just like bus drivers wave to each other when they pass each other on their routes.  They decided to abandon their plan and force Yau Man into a corner with a blackmail tactic.  They told him that he would have to tell everyone about his idol or they would.  Yau Man’s response, “You do what you need to do.”  Yau Man knocking these two down was like Yoda knocking down the Emperor’s bodyguards with a flick of his wrist when he entered the Emperor’s room.  The two brains were looking more like two butt cheeks.  Stacy said, “Their days are numbered.  They’ll be lucky to get any food.”  This tells you the evil that runs through this girl’s veins.  I hope someone puts her in her place.  Maybe Alec Baldwin can call her and leave her a voicemail.  That would do it.

            The reward challenge involved two teams shooting balls out of giant slingshots.  The other three people on each team tried to catch the balls in baskets in the middle of a muddy field.  Only Mookie and Dreamz were catching the balls.  Dreamz told Earl to get more physical.  Earl said, “I am physical.  It’s about the placement of the balls.”  I’ll let your imaginations run wild on that one.  Dreamz caught four out of the five balls his team needed, so they went on a seaplane to a luxury resort spa with plenty of Olay soap to clean up the mud.  Every other camera shot was three bottles of Olay sitting in a basket.  Every time the bottles appeared on TV, Jeff got a lifetime supply of the soap.  He should be clean for his next six lives.  Stacy, Dreamz, Earl, and Alex enjoyed the spa, and they sent Boo to Exile Island.  He complained about being dehydrated and said, “I can’t’ be in the sun anymore or I’m going to die.”  This guy is a construction worker.  What kind of construction worker complains about the sun being too hot?  He must be a construction worker for the scaled models of the actual buildings.  At work, he brings in some Popsicle sticks and a box of toothpicks and does his thing.  During the competition, he popped something in his knee.  They brought out a medical team, but Boo got up and popped it back by himself.  You could actually hear the pop.  It made me say ouch.  Actually, I think I said Ahh.

You might notice that verb tenses often get out of whack in these summaries.  It is because #1 I have limited cranial ability and #2, the show was filmed in the past, it’s being shown in the present, and I’m writing about things that might come in the future.  I try to make it work, but sometimes I thoughts, “Ah, screwed it!” and I leaves it alone.

For the immunity challenge, Jeff had each person pick three connecting squares in a grid.  Each person had to select coordinates to knock out the other people’s names, similar to Battle Ship.  B-1, D-4, etc.  The object was for each person to knock out the other people’s names.  Dreamz went first.  He called one of his own squares.  Yeah, what a dummy.  Cassandra went second.  She called one of her own squares.  At this point, they were perfect in self-destruction mode.  Friendly fire is bad, but this was even worse.  It would be like Dick Cheney going out and hunting with a friend.  Instead of shooting his friend, he would shoot himself.  Can you believe I made fun of a Republican?  I didn’t want to do it, but if the analogy works, I’ll make fun of the Pope.  Later in the game, Stacy called a square that had been already identified as a miss.  Somehow, she went on and won.  During the next commercial break, Oral B congratulated Stacy with her Brush with Greatness.  I would call it a Meeting with Mediocrity.

Even though Alex and Mookie had no clues for the new idol, Boo thought they might have found it anyway.  Boo thought if they played it at council, it would screw up their voting.  They decided to split their votes and give Mookie and Alex three votes each.  I thought someone would screw up the vote like Dreamz.  Mookie voted for Boo.  Alex smartly voted for Mookie, and it turned out to be the deciding vote.  Mookie would have immediately known that Alex voted for him, so if Alex goes to the end, he might not get the million dollar vote from Mookie.  It is now Alex versus six people.  The only chance he has besides immunity is getting the pecking order from the six and swaying the bottom three to vote with him.  Those three would probably be Dreamz, Boo, and Stacy.  Therefore, my early prediction for next week would be for the tables to turn, and Earl will get the axe.  I’m going out on a limb, so if I’m correct, I’ll be sure to remind all of you.

Episode #12  The Four Horsemen Don’t Ride Again

I was watching the news the other night, and they had a video of a terrorist training exercise.  I’m sure everyone has seen it.  It’s the guy with his head covered up swinging through the monkey bars.  I used to think that this was the only video the media had of terrorist training, but there are actually dozens of similar video clips of guys swinging through monkey bars, which tells me one thing.  The terrorists are absolutely determined to attack our playgrounds.  I have a fraternity in the CIA and he told me that the CIA has secret video of Al Quada guys running, pushing, and jumping onto a Merry-Go-Round.  Whoever makes it to the middle gets to be the leader of the next terror cell.

I don’t know from which crevice of my brain that came, but it got out anyway.  As far as Survivor, the reward challenge was to see who could bite the most meat off large pieces of pork hanging from chains.  They only had five minutes to munch, move, and spit the pork onto their own plate.  The winner was Boo with 8.9 pounds.  Yau Man and Dreamz came in second and third place with six pounds each.  The three of them got to go on a helicopter ride to a river gorge for a white water rafting trip and some lunch.  The rapids didn’t look very impressive, and they were in narrow ravines, so it looked like they were on the Log Jammer at Kennywood Park.  For coming in first place, Boo also got a bonus gift that Jeff said would help him in the immunity challenge.  As a special bonus, the three winners received a letter from home.  Boo’s mother let him know that the horses were eating.  I’m sure reading that information will allow Boo to finally focus on the game.  Dreamz started crying while reading his letter.  His cheerleading team had lost the Big City Cheer Championship.  Yau Man’s son had received all A’s and one B in Algebra.  Yau Man said, “Why couldn’t it have been in Spanish?”  I love the high expectations that Asians set for their kids.  High expectations yield better results.  For example, I have a high expectation that some day, I’ll go in the bathroom and not have to replace the toilet paper.  Boo sent Earl to Exile Island.  Earl didn’t seem to mind and thought the second clue was enough to help him find the other immunity.

For the immunity challenge, each person had to dig three steps out of the sand.  The first two people to achieve this were in the finals.  Boo was automatically in the finals for having won the reward challenge earlier.  Cassandra was barely digging in the sand.  It looked more like she was dusting the dust off the sand.  Dreamz found his three steps quickly and Alex eventually found his and made it to the finals.  For the finals, they had to climb a pole in the water using the steps to get to the top.  Alex took an aggressive approach of trying to shimmy up the last third of the pole but couldn’t make it.  Boo made it to the top and won immunity.  I don’t know what is happening with the Four Horsemen.  They are getting bumped off faster than the supporting cast of the Sopranos.  The Four Horsemen should have called themselves the Four Pony Boys.  It was inevitable that Alex was voted off the show.  He made his play, and we saw his wheeling and dealing, but in the end, it was as certain as 72 virgins waiting for someone to take out an American playground.

The producers tried to make everyone think there was a chance to get Yau Man by Alex persuading three others to vote with him, but it wasn’t going to happen.  They all think that Yau Man isn’t a threat, so why get rid of him?  The thing that is surprising to me is there are three people out of the remaining six that don’t recognize they’re on the bottom half of the totem pole.  Alex should have targeted Dreamz, Boo, and Stacy to switch and go after Earl and Yau Man.  Maybe Alex tried, but these people might have had too much integrity tonight.  Integrity screws up the plans of most people on this show.  Most people anticipate, even count on others to lie and deceive throughout the game.  That’s what makes the show so good.  Boo will probably be the next to go, although he has turned it up a bit in the two challenges this week.  Well maybe he didn’t.  The reward challenge was an eating contest and for having the biggest mouth, he automatically advanced to the finals in the immunity challenge.  After further thought, he didn’t turn it up, he just got lucky that a challenge was his specialty.  I was wrong about my prediction last week.  What do I know?  Have a good weekend!

Episode #13  Loose Lips

I’m sorry this summary was delayed a few days.  I took the family to Disney World last week.  That place is a money trap.  By the time I paid for the flight, resort, tickets, food, and souvenirs, I had to borrow money from my two-year-old to pay for gas to get home.  To Disney World’s credit, they have something for everyone.  Even the hookers were great.  They dress up like Cinderella, Jasmine, and Sleeping Beauty.  The more I think about it, the Disney characters were hookers.  So now, it’s Sunday and I have to watch Thursday’s show and Sunday’s show, write two summaries, all while being exhausted and broke.  If I sense things that don’t make write, sorry I’m. 

The reward challenge had the Survivors divided into two teams consisting of Yau Man, Boo, and Stacy against Dreamz, Cassandra, and Earl.  Each team had to navigate through an obstacle course while being tied together.  There were three balance beams at the beginning of the course.  Yau Man kept falling off the first beam.  After watching the other group finish the balance beam section, Yau Man changed his strategy and they finally got through it.  In the last part of the course, they had to dig up a hatchet in the sand and chop a rope.  Yau Man’s team caught up, found the hatchet first, and cut the rope.  For winning, Yau Man, Boo, and Stacy competed against each other for a 2008 Ford F-350 Super Duty truck.  Since it is still 2007, I think Ford is jumping the gun a little.  Is it that big of a deal to wait until 2008 to start calling their trucks 2008 models?  What if it breaks down?  It would really suck to own a truck that broke down a year before the model even came out.  I don’t think the 50,000 mile warranty should begin until 2008.  In 2007, you should be running on negative mileage.  I think the car companies do this nonsense to make people think it’s beneficial to get something ahead of its time.  I can do the same thing with a fart.  The next time I fart in an elevator, I’ll say it’s my 2008 model.  I’m sure everyone will have a greater appreciation for a fart that is ahead of its time.

The three finalists had to throw hatchets in an attempt to cut two different ropes.  Stacy was useless and missed the entire target the first two throws.  If she had walked up to the target with a hatchet in her hand, and was told to chop the rope, she would have still missed.  Boo came within an inch of winning the truck, but Yau Man hit his second rope and won the truck.  He immediately asked Jeff if he could negotiate.  He told Dreamz he could have the truck if, providing Dreamz and Yau Man were in the final four and Dreamz won immunity, he would give it to Yau Man.  Jeff made it clear that Dreamz would not be forced to fulfill the agreement.  Yau Man said he understood, and Dreamz had a truck.  The only problem was Dreamz didn’t have a license.  He said he felt like it would be a waste of time to have a license without a car.  That makes sense.  It’s the same for women with small breasts.  Why wear a bra, when you don’t have the goods.  Boo drove Dreamz and Stacy to deliver school supplies, playground equipment, and a portable teacher’s lounge to a needy school.  At the school, the kids all ran and gathered around the truck while Jeff, Boo, Stacy, and Dreamz threw playground equipment down to the kids.  It looked like the kids were Ethiopians grabbing food off of a Red Cross food truck.  I would have passed everything out in a more professional teacher style.  For example, I would first take out anything more expensive for myself.  I’m sure the teachers were thinking that they were never going to regain control.  Other teachers were thinking that they would never get to that day’s lesson about why America sucks or how George Bush secretly blew up the levees in New Orleans to keep the poor people down.

For winning the reward challenge, Yau Man also got to pick someone for Exile Island, so he picked himself.  It was worth it because he told Earl the third clue, and Earl found the re-hidden immunity. 

In the immunity challenge, each person was on a platform.  There was a ball tied to a rope.  They had to throw the ball through a hoop and pull a bar down forming a little bridge to walk across to another platform.  Stacy and Cassandra were quickly eliminated after the first round.  At one point, Cassandra threw the ball and didn’t hang onto the rope, so they whole thing flew in the water.  Of the four guys, Boo and Yau Man went to the finals.  Boo won and again thwarted the plans of everyone at council that night. 

Dreamz started regretting his decision to take the truck because he knew he had sealed his fate.  He decided to campaign for getting rid of Yau Man.  By doing this, he wouldn’t have to honor his agreement.  I thought it was funny when Dreamz said, “Nothing I planned has worked out.”  I know that feeling.  It’s already 1:00 AM, so there is no way I’m doing the summary for the Finale. 

That day and at council, Yau Man didn’t like the way people were acting, even though Earl had reconfirmed that everything was going as planned.  Yau Man still wasn’t comfortable.  After all, the Emperor thought everything was going as planned before Luke Skywalker blew up the first Death Star.  Yau Man probably wouldn’t have played the idol until Stacy’s mouth started moving up and down.  She said, “I don’t think that it’s all going to be a vote one way or another.  I think it’s going to be split.”  There were only six people, so Yau Man knew they were going after him.  He played his immunity idol, and the four votes for him meant nothing.  However, the two votes for Stacy meant a lot to her.  I’ll bet she was never told that loose lips sink ships.  Cassandra went against the Yau Man and Earl, so wonder if they will call her out for her vote.  Actually, they don’t because I already saw the finale tonight.  There once was a kid in my class that after reading a story said, “I have a prediction.”  After watching the finale tonight, I want to make a few predictions.  Not really.  I wouldn’t do that…not unless money was on the line.  I should have the finale summary written on Monday, so look for it on Tuesday morning.

Episode #14  The Freakin’ Finale

What a finale!  It was almost as good as the “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” finale on The Simpsons many years ago.  Part of the excitement is knowing that I’ll get more sleep on Thursday nights for the next few months.  I have to admit that I was excited to see if Dreamz would be true to his word, but I’ll get to that later. 

There wasn’t a reward challenge.  Instead, there were two immunity challenges.  The first one was a wet t-shirt competition.  Being the only girl, Cassandra thought she had it won before it started.  To everyone’s surprise, Yau Man won the wet t-shirt challenge.  I’m just kidding.  It was an Underwear Discarding Competition and Yau Man didn’t win.  Cassandra won.  She admitted that she had discarded her underwear three weeks earlier.  If you thought sea snakes were a problem in Fiji, can you imagine walking along some path and finding one of those skid mark encrusted granny pairs hanging from a tree.  Now that’s an image you might not soon forget.  I wonder where she put them.  It would be a little chancy to throw them in the weeds.  She could try to burn them, but if anyone saw her, nobody would eat another meal.  I have an idea.  She could tie some sticks together for a boat and use the undies as a sail.  One time when I was at Band Camp, I mean Church Camp; we took some other kid’s underwear, stuck them under water, and put them in the freezer.  After they were frozen, we stuck them up the flagpole.  The next day, that kid denied they were his.  If someone found Cassandra’s, she might try denying they were hers, but come on.  The only other person that would wear the same kind of panties would be Anthony, and he was long gone.

The real challenge was a mega-metropolis of mazes.  There were five in all.  For each maze, the people had to find a key, take it to a beam, lower the beam, walk across the beam over a moat and get to the next maze, which increased in difficulty each time.  That might be difficult challenge no matter what, but what made it even more difficult was being blind-folded for the entire challenge.  It took a good ten minutes to complete the maze after the editors got a hold of the footage, but once again, we have no idea of how long it actually took.  Is it too much to ask to have an idea of much time the challenges last?  The only other competition where you have no idea how much time is involved is gay soccer.  I don’t mean soccer with all gay people playing, I just mean the sport itself is gay because they don’t know how much time is left in the game.  Yau Man won the immunity challenge.  He would be safe at council.  Earl would also be safe because he would have to play the immunity idol.  It was the last opportunity to play it.  That left Boo or Dreamz.  You know Yau Man was going to push for Dreamz.  Boo pleaded for his life like Adriana pleaded for her life before Silvio whacked her on The Sopranos.  He made some headway, but at council, the construction worker got his pink slip and was back on unemployment. 

For the final four, Dreamz, Cassandra, Earl, and Yau Man paddled up Memory River reminiscing about all the former players that were outwitted, outplayed, outlasted, and out-of-the-closeted in Anthony’s case.  I just thought of something.  People who are booted early in the game aren’t outwitted or outplayed because they just suck.  It’s like when you take out the trash.  It’s not like you outwitted your trash, you just got rid of it because it serves no purpose anymore.  People like Lisi, Gary, Anthony, and Jessica are trash because they serve no purpose anymore.  At least Jessica was gentle on the eyes, so she’s the kind of trash that you let sit in the garage for a few days.

At the next immunity challenge, each person had to lay on an inclined plane while holding onto a single bar.  Meanwhile, a barrel of water with a hole was slowly running on them making the board slippery.  The incline was increased five degrees every five minutes.  I think they started at a 40-degree angle.  I think the military is doing this to the terrorists in Guantanamo Bay.  They call it water boarding and it is supposed to a horrible form of torture.  To tell you the truth, it didn’t look that bad.  Cassandra made it over ten minutes.  Maybe the terrorist need to look at Cassandra for some strength and suck it up a little.  Earl fell off next.  It was down to Yau Man and Dreamz.  I thought we might see them talk about the truck and agree that Dreamz would fall first, but he held on, and Yau Man slipped off the board.  During the day, it appeared that everyone thought Dreamz would do the honorable thing and give the immunity to Yau Man.  That was until Dreamz told Cassandra and Earl that in case he changed his mind, they had better vote for Yau or one of them would be going home.

At council, the immunity agreement was the only topic of conversation.  When it came time for a decision, Dreamz hid his face in his hands and after a long pause came up and said, he would keep the immunity necklace.  I was shocked because it served no purpose.  Nobody in their right mind would give him the million after a betrayal like this.  He could have been honorable, and been a role model for many people.  Instead, he looked like just another idiot that let greed corrupt his morality.  I know some people think it was a game and that deception is part of the game.  This is different because not every other lie on the show is based on an oral agreement for a $50,000 truck. 

It doesn’t mean you’re greedy if you are trying to win a million dollars.  If I was in the same situation, I might do the same thing.  Until I’m in the same exact situation, I don’t want to be too quick to condemn him, but I think that keeping the idol wasn’t his biggest mistake.  For some reason, he began claiming that he had played Yau all along.  First off, nobody plays my man Yau man.  Secondly, when he was doing the interviews with the camera man, he said he wanted to show his son how to do the right thing.  There isn’t much of a reason to outwit, outplay, and outlast the cameraman because he’s paid the same no matter how long you last.  He’s union.

At the council, each person had a chance to speak their mind and ask questions if they felt like it.  There were a couple notable people that wanted to vent and a couple others that wanted one more opportunity to grab attention for themselves.  Alex sounded very angry as if he would live with this pain for the rest of his life.  I dreaded waiting for Rocky and Lisi to have their turn.  Rocky wanted to set down some rules for answering his question.  They had to say, I’m the biggest kicker because…”  Of course, he had to explain what a “kicker” was because other than Rocky and his delinquent Boston Buddies, nobody would know that a kicker is a clutch player or best player.  To the rest of the world, a kicker is the person who kicks the ball.  I never want to be in Rocky’s world.  Every time he came to council, he went up the stairs as if he was Rocky running up the stairs in Philadelphia in the actual movie.

Rocky was bad, but Lisi was so much worse.  She said, “Eeney, Meeney, Miney Moe, Catch a liar by the toe.  Hey, look at me.  I get to sound stupid again.  Hooray for me.”  She then wanted to see Cassandra’s water shoes.  She said they were the worst water shoes she had ever seen, and that Cassandra was in way over her head.  At this point, I thought she might be making a decent point because the way people were dressed can say a lot about how much thought they put into the game.  However, just like another season of Pirate baseball, Lisi had to disappoint me again.  Lisi left the “shoe” train of thought and told Cassandra that she had made it that far because of greed and wouldn’t let Cassandra respond.  She asked Dreamz how many zeroes were in a million.  He told her six.  She looked at the other council member as if he was wrong, but they showed no response.  It appeared that she didn’t know herself. Lisi babbled a little more before she finally finished her nonsensical tirade.  She is a prime example of someone who spent too many years touring with the Grateful Dead, while volunteering for lobotomy experiments between concerts.

Boo showed a strange side of himself.  For his question period, he wanted Dreamz to admit as a Christian that he was lying.  He wouldn’t give up.  “In the name of God, confess your sins!”  I thought he was going to perform an exorcism.  “Demons be gone!!”  He didn’t really say those things, but he was persistent.

Several months had passed between the council and last night’s finale.  Dreamz was still sticking to his goofy story that he never had any intent of keeping the bargain.  When he was at the final council, Dreamz sounded like he had just been to a dentist who was a little trigger happy with the Novocain needle.  At the Finale show, his lie was a little more polished.  He reminds me of Pete Rose sticking with his gambling lies for years and years.  Sooner or later, Dreamz will want admitted to the Survivor Hall of Fame in Cooperstown and he will admit he lied.  Although he will only admit that he lied in the game, but he will still deny he ever lied about the truck.  Jeff asked Cassandra if Dreamz knew what he was doing or just flew by the seat of his pants.  She claimed that he would think everything out and tell her what was going to happen.  My four-year old can tell me what will happen in a Tic Tac Toe game, but that doesn’t mean a whole lot.  If you remember, Dreamz said nothing he planned ever worked.

I decided not to do an apology list this time for a couple reasons.  First off, I didn’t get any negative emails this time, so I must not have been abrasive enough.  Secondly, it is already 1:30 in the morning.  I couldn’t help watching 24 tonight, so that put me behind schedule.  Thirdly, well I’m not sure I have another reason.  I just know I’m really tired, and my son will be jumping in my bed tomorrow at 6:00 A.M. wanting to play hide and seek with swords.

The 14^th installment of Survivor has come and gone.  I know some people have lost interest, but I haven’t.  I think they change things enough to keep it interesting.  I like Exile Island, the multiple immunity idols, and all the strategizing.  Once again, just for my own curiosity, if you haven’t already told me, please email me and tell me what country, state, city or whatever you live.  One final thought, a friend of mine asked if I thought any of the people on Survivor read my summaries.  I told him no, but it made me think.  Based on the six degrees of separation, I wonder if anyone knows one of the actual contestants.  I would love to hear what they thought of my blurbs.  I do know a guy who is friends with tall Ian from Survivor whatever.  Oh well, the clock is about to strike two.  I greatly appreciate any feedback whether positive or negative.  Take care and have a great summer.  For my readers in Australia, have a great winter.  Next stop…China!