Survivor Satire

GUATEMALA

Episode #1

I really love Survivor, especially when they let my favorite Survivor of all-time on the show again.  No, it wasn’t Johnny Fairplay, or Wacky Wanda the singing teacher, or even Richard Hatch.  They brought back Stephenie from Survivor Palau.  They also brought back Bobby Jon, but my enthusiasm goes from “Alright!” to “Whippedy do” for him.  They each got assigned to a tribe.  Yaxha got Stephenie and Nakum got Bobby Jon.  It was even more exciting to watch the show begin with a reward challenge to challenge all challenges.  Tribes were pre-chosen and each tribe, Yaxha and Nakum, had to grab supplies and navigate through eleven miles of jungle to get to their camp.  11 miles is impressive, especially coming from a guy who parks in the handicapped parking so I don’t have to carry a DVD and Snickers bar any farther than necessary.  I know some of you might think it’s wrong for me to park in the handicapped areas, but I want you to know, if the handicapped spaces are full, I’m not the kind of asshole that sits there with my turn signal on waiting for the space.  I drive around the parking lot until it opens.  You see, I’m a decent guy when I need to be.

The winners got to stay at the Waldorf Mayan Ruin, and the losers had to paddle even farther to get to some tree next to some vines and plants.  The challenge took 24 hours and the tribes had to use a map and one of those direction things to guide them.  I think it’s called an odometer.  Anyway, they tell which way is North Western or South Eastern.  Did you know those are college names?  People who go to colleges like this lack direction and think that going to one of these colleges would be a first step in getting them somewhere in life.  When you can’t come up with some Indian tribe or famous dead guy, and you have to use a direction, you know you’re hurting for names.  I’m just waiting for schools to get corporate sponsors like Trojan University where it might be hard, but the kids keep coming anyway.

Well, despite dense leaders, I mean dense jungle conditions; they somehow emerged from the jungle within minutes of each other despite, an 11-mile race, sleeping next to some monkeys, and some 24 hours of elapsed time.  That’s rather amazing!  I think the producers gave them a map that had each tribe run around in circles for 24 hours.  Bobby Jon’s team, Nakum won despite Bobby Jon, Jim, and Judd all getting dehydrated and sick.  Bobby Jon, Jim, and Judd sound like the first, second, and third place winners of the Rhubarb pie eating contest at the half time show of the County Fair’s Tractor Pull.  Some of you might not have much country in you and probably think that a Tractor Pull is where people try to see how far they can pull a tractor.  It’s actually a contest to see how many people a tractor can pull. 

Stephenie’s team’s losing streak of challenges now stands at 12.  The only bright side is that her team went on later in the show to win the immunity challenge making it impossible for her to match the Pirates record of 13 consecutive losing seasons.  Nakum went to Tribal Council and voted off the puking, old dehydrated guy with the torn bicep muscle.  I’m shocked that he didn’t vote for himself, which would have made it unanimous.

There are some interesting careers represented on the show.  Morgan is a Magician’s Assistant, or in other words, the Magician’s Mistress.  Yeah, yeah Morgan, he is going to divorce her as soon as the kids are out of college.  Brandon is a Farmer.  He actually thought the Bobby Jon wasn’t that smart.  This is a guy that dropped a banana, fell, and then dropped the rest of the bananas seven seconds into the race.  I doubt his Farmer title because no farmer ever drops the crop.  When I was a kid, I was riding my bike from the farm to our house with a gallon of milk in my hand.  I wrecked, skinned my knee and arm, yet kept the jug up in the air.  That’s what a farmer does.  Guys like him make me look bad.  Rafe is probably gay.  That’s not his occupation, just an observation.  Lydia is a fishmonger.  I didn’t even know what that was, so I looked it up in the dictionary.  It turns out that a fish is any of several cold-blooded water-breathing vertebrates with fins, gills, and scales.  There are two Ivy League students competing for a way to pay off their student loans.  Ivy League schools are easy to find using a compass.  Just go northwest from South Eastern or southeast from North Western.

Can you believe this is the eleventh season?  A million dollars for every winner for the past 10 seasons is equal to…well, I’m not sure, but at least $50,000 dollars. 

If you don’t want to be on this email list because you no longer like me or because you can no longer read due to ocular degeneration, let me know, and I’ll take you off the list.  If you want to pass this on, be my guest.  I know people in Australia get this and Soldiers in Iraq  were getting it last season.  For the people giving me testimonials for the Survivor application, thank you very much.  I was away from my family for a week this summer when I realized that it was painful to be away from my son and daughter.   There is no way I could be away for a month and a half.  Now my wife, that’s a different story.  The only thing that would change my mind would be if Jeff Probst came to my door and asked me to be on the show himself.

Episode #2

“The jig is up, the news is out, they’ve finally found me.  The quarterback, who had some plaque, revealed by a chick named Danni.  Never more to go astray, the tribe will have revenge today, on a guy named Gary.”  In case you didn’t know, those are lyrics from Renegade by Styx.  Well, pretty close anyway.  You can try singing it.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  You don’t sound very good.  Poor Gary!  His master plan of keeping his identity as a retired, second-string, mediocre, journeyman quarterback a secret, has come crashing down faster than his pocket did in 1982 when he threw only 37.5% of his passes complete, or in 1984 when he threw 7 touchdowns and 14 interceptions.  What makes this even funnier is how quickly the secret got out.  Gary is shaking is head wondering why he walks around Dallas and nobody recognizes him, yet some chick from Kansas City recognizes him in the jungles of Guatemala.  What are the chances that out of 18 people, one of them would be a sportscaster?  Along with Gary, I questioned how a woman could ever be a sportscaster, but now I have to say two things: she must really know her stuff, and she’s probably sleeping with the owner of the station.

Jamie was discussing how awesome his team was because of their diversity.  For each person, he said their occupation.  As he came to Rafe, Jamie said Rafe was gay.  This is an interesting career choice.  It’s probably hard for people in that line of work to separate work from pleasure.  Rafe’s not alone in that occupation.  I think Brian is gay also.  Actually, I thought he was gay until he confirmed it twice, and now I know it.  The first time he referred to a quarterback as being a linebacker.  The second time was when he patted Gary on the knee after tribal council.  After all, everyone knows you don’t pat a football player on the knee… You smack him on the ass.

Nakum won both challenges.  For reward, they won fishing equipment.  They were able to catch several fish that were so small; the bigger fish don’t even bother eating them.  Blake has mastered the art of getting out of work in his I-can’t-breath-help-me-I’m-sick daily drama, which is what I coincidentally use to get out of changing diapers.  At challenges, he’s always feeling fine, which once again is the same for me as my tee-time approaches.

Before sending his own tribe to council, Jamie looked like he was going to give his tribe life by beating Judd in the mud-pull.  There were only 10 seconds left, and he had a large lead.  All he had to do was hold his position.  He instead got into a position that would make it easy for Judd to pull him across the line.  He rolled up into a ball.  Good job Jamie!

At council, Jeff was asking different people how they would vote.  Rafe said, “I’m voting to keep us unified.”  At the end of the show, when some loser is talking about how they had the most amazing experience of their lives, they show everyone’s vote.  Rafe actually wrote, “I’m voting to keep us unified.”  Unfortunately, he was the only one to write it.  If four more people had written it, they wouldn’t have voted off anyone.  This is too bad for Morgan, who claimed at council that everyone was honest and how everyone knew everything.  By the way, on her voting card, she wrote, “Anybody but me.” 

Several final notes: On another show called LOST, why was everyone using a rope to climb down a ladder?  On Invasion, what happened to the weather plane?  On Scooby Doo, why did Scrappy have to join the cartoon?

I have a correction to make regarding last week’s summary.  When away from my beautiful wife for even several minutes, I miss her tremendously. 

Episode #3

I need to go back through my summaries and find the funniest things the Survivors have ever said.  Last night, Gay Brian said something that has to be in the top ten.  Jeff was asking him if he thought Yaxha was outmatched in athletic ability.  Brian conceded that Jeff was probably correct, but he argued, “We’re not outmatched in how much we like each other.”  I’m laughing right now as I’m typing this.  Ha, ha.  See!  This reminds me of Monty Python and the Holy Grail when the black knight, after losing his arms and legs in a sword fight, didn’t think he was outmatched because he still had the ability to bite King Arthur on the ass.  Brian also thought he engineered the entire ousting of Morgan.  Let me tell you something.  Brian couldn’t engineer the making of a moat around a sand castle.

The reward challenge was for pillows, a lantern, tarp, and a blanket.  With 114 degrees during the day, it probably cools off to a cool 90 degrees at night making that blanket a real necessity.  They didn’t show it, but I’m sure there was an argument of two about who got to cozy up to the fire under the blanket.  Nakum won the challenge of building a tent after people with blindfolds had to gather all the pieces.  One player directed each team.  Yaxha had the quarterback and Nakum had Brooke…I think.  The quarterback started strong directing his offense to an early lead, but when the pressure mounted, his late game two minute offense looked like circus clowns trying to find a fire.  Nakum closed the gap and eventually took the lead while putting the tent together.  During the challenge, Danni said, “Oh fudge!”  I thought when she started to say it the editors might have missed the F-bomb.  Stephenie also chose her words carefully when she referred to her team’s effort as a cluster…mess.

The Nakum tribe started having some bossy issues when they were putting up their tarp.  Bobbi Jon didn’t like listening to Margaret and said they should be having fun.  Yeah, as much fun as he had puking the first three days.  Judd said, “Nobody is going to tell me what to do except my boss and my wife.”  Judd’s occupation is a Doorman in New York City.  I think many people tell him what to do.  In fact, he probably takes more shit than a cross-eyed umpire calling balls and strikes at the Little League World Series.

Throwing caution to the wind, Nakum members decided to go for a swim in the alligator-infested lake.  This was after a warning from Cindy, a zookeeper by profession.  If the zookeeper can give detailed hunting tendencies for gators…I’d listen!  I swam with dolphins, and that was scary.  Those dolphins can be vicious.  Farmer Brandon said, “The brave may not live long, but the cautious don’t live at all.”  Yeah, yeah.  When people die doing something like skydiving, people always say, he died doing what he loved.  I’ll bet if you ask the dead guy if he would prefer another 30 years alive and have a hobby like refurnishing old rocking chairs, he would take it.  You know what?  I would probably go in the water with the others.  I would calculate my odds.  If five of us go swimming, I only have a 20% chance of being eaten.  25% for four of us, and 33% chance for three of us.  30% is probably my threshold for the chance I’d be willing to take to get eaten by a gator.  I would also make all the women swear that none of them were reading their periodicals.

The immunity challenge was a game called Court Ball. It involved throwing a basketball-sized ball through a basketball shaped hoop at each end of the court.  Come to think of it.  I think they were playing basketball.  No wait, the court was elevated 12 feet above the ground, and it was made of netting.  They were not allowed to run with the ball.  Remember this detail.  They could only pass and shoot.  Lydia was worried about not doing well during the challenge and said, “I want to be a star out there.”  At her first opportunity with the ball, she took off running like Jerome Bettis heading for the end zone with a full head of steam.  They actually have similar body frames.  Later, with the game on the line, Stephenie asked her if she knew what a pick was.  Lydia said, “Yes, I used one in the 1980’s to comb my big hair.”  She was some star!  Needless to say, Nakum won that challenge making it 5 out of 6.  It was a tiring challenge compounded by the intense heat with a temperature of 114 degrees.  I don’t know how the temperature can go so high, then I realized the obvious.  The sun in Guatemala is bigger than our sun.

Stephenie was highly disappointed with being on a team of losers again.  Her description of a few of them was great.  She said, “Amy can’t run, the Fishmonger is not athletic, and Brianna is a make-up artist with her head completely up her butt.  I literally had to pull it out.”  She should consider watching some reality show and writing about it.  There’s no money in it, but it keeps me up long enough to catch an episode of The Fresh Prince.

At tribal council, Brianna, Fishmonger, and Amy were on the chopping block.  You know it had to be Brianna because during the show she said, “I can read people.”  I wonder if she read that one.  I think the producers need to alter the next few challenges, or there’s going to be another slaughter.  I’ll predict that the next few challenges require you to be short, stubby, and feminine…a cheerleading competition.  Brian will lead the chant:  You’re not my mother… You’re not my brother…We’ll kick your ass…Because we like each other!  GO Rafe GO!

I am now officially on the Web.  Please visit my website.  It is www.survivorsatire.com  I have included other things in order to make the website a little meatier.  I’ll probably continue emailing all of you because you have been grandfathered into the email list.

Episode #4

Some people were born to lie, and then there’s Gary Hogeboom.  Danni called him out for being a former NFL quarterback, and he denied it.  Danni brought it up again by asking him if he played for Central Michigan when he was in college.  A good liar at this point would deny being in the NFL and deny going to college.  They would also make up a story about having to drop out of high school in order to support his ex-NFL cheerleader mother who got fired when mandatory drug testing for cheerleaders revealed crack, pot, and an unusually high level of Elmer’s Glue in her blood.  Instead, Gary denies playing college at Central Michigan, but admits, “I did go to college there.”  What are the chances that a sportscaster would incorrectly recognize a former player, yet randomly name the exact college to which he went?  Amy is the only fool that seems to somewhat believe Gary.  No one else forced the issue because they were afraid Gary would get angry and not throw the football to them.

For reward, there wasn’t a challenge.  Instead, they answered questions about each other, and their answers lead to rewards for those people picked.  The smelliest went to Gary and Bobby Jon.  They each got to take a shower, not together, although the camera man practically got in the shower with Gary to the point where they had to blur his manhood.  Brian was excited for Gary’s cleanliness and shouted, “Gary, we’re going to be sniffing you all night!”  After a refreshing shower, Gary and Bobby Jon put their smelly clothes back on and got sniffed by their tribes.  Each tribe couldn’t understand why they still smelled and deduced that it must have been a faulty shower or generic soap.

Most Tribe Pride went to Cindy and Gay Brian.  He was so proud of being voted most proud.  I know there are some jokes in there, but I think I’ll just let it alone.  Actually, I won’t.  He got the same recognition from his High School Pep-Squad and his sorority in college.

The most-in-need-of-a-picnic   went to Gary, Amy, Margaret, and Judd.  They got to pig-out on a picnic feast, while the most-needing-nourishment was Danni and Jamie, and all they got was a crummy green apple.

At this point, the tribes were switched, and everyone had to start positioning themselves once again because of the new group dynamics. Judd quickly jumped ship and made a deal with Stephenie and Jamie.  He said, “I have no problem going against my old tribe.  I didn’t feel the love.  They gotta get out of my jungle.”  Judd was talking to Margaret about voting strategies.  A monkey was listening to Margaret explain Basic Voting Strategies 101 to Judd.  The monkey was thinking, “I could win this game.”  The monkey was also thinking that Margaret needs a tighter top or bigger hooters.

For the immunity challenge, each tribe had to paddle their boat, retrieve some tomahawks, and throw them at some targets.  Stephenie had no problem hitting a target.  Danni had no problem hitting a target.  However, Judd had problem hitting the target, lost his team’s lead, and eventually lost the immunity challenge.  This was too bad for Stephenie because she has now lost 6 out of 7 challenges in Guatemala and 17 out of 21 on Survivor.  In other words, she loses 81% of the time.  She said for just once, she would like to be on a good tribe.  Poor Stephenie.  A hundred thousand people and I couldn’t get on the show, but she’s stuck with a crappy tribe, not once, but twice.  I can only hope she never gets stuck with a bad tribe again.  Let’s all pray for her.  Stephenie’s tribe went to council and voted off Brooke.  This is too bad because Brooke has cute dimples.  They should have voted off the Fishmonger because Lydia had several votes once again.  She must have the record for having the most votes yet still be on the show. 

I made several additions this week on www.survivorsatire.com so get on the site and check it out.  I promise you this:  You will laugh aloud.  If you don’t, drink a six-pack of beer and read it again.  Repeat this procedure until you laugh aloud.  I don’t want my promise to be worthless.

Episode #5

I had a great time this past weekend when I went to see Penn State beat Ohio State, I mean when I went to see my sister play in the Blue Band.  Did you know that colleges have marching bands?  Apparently, they do, and they play at half time.  For 20 years, my only half time activities have been finding the shortest urinal line or stocking up on beer before they stop selling it half way through the third quarter.  You may also be surprised that unlike high school marching bands, the college marching bands don’t have sub sales to pay for trips to Disney World.

My brother and I stayed in my sister’s dorm room.  It brought back many good memories from my five…five and a half years of college.  There are a few things that I don’t miss.  The beds are so narrow that if you roll over, you bump your head on the keg.  The other thing I don’t miss is the extremely thin toilet paper.  It’s the anorexic toilet paper of the toilet paper industry.  The final thing I don’t miss is going to the bathroom the next day and seeing someone’s puke in the sink, only to recognize after a second glance the two chili cheese dogs I had eaten at 2:00 in the morning.  I knew I should have only eaten one.

Oh yeah, Survivor!  The show started with Nakum members questioning Judd’s decision to sell out his original tribe.  He basically told them to go pound a pyramid.  Either Judd has some really big balls or he is extremely stupid doorman.  I’m not saying he’s stupid just because he’s a doorman.  Mentally, being a doorman is actually a very demanding job.  You have to know if the door swings outward or inward.  If that’s not tough enough, doors with bars instead of knobs create an additional problem because you have to know which side to push.  I am an expert at pushing the wrong side and walking into the door.  Physically, it is just as demanding.  A heavy door, a bad or rusty hinge, and small bursts of wind can create havoc for an inferior doorman.  Therefore, I give a lot of credit to a doorman that can keep all that stuff straight.  Anyway, he didn’t have to admit voting for Brooke.  He could have sworn it wasn’t him, like any doorman with an IQ of  75 or better would have done.

The reward challenge was for a caged, crocodile-proof swimming area, margaritas, and chips and salsa.  This was an impressive reward, so of course Stephenie’s tribe lost again.  The first stage involved cutting through two ropes with a wedge-shaped rock.  Brandon cut through his in about 30 seconds.  When Yaxha had completed the entire challenge, Jamie had just finished cutting through his second rope.  He wanted to continue despite have lost already.  He asked his tribe why they were going to quit.  Margaret had to explain to him that the race was OVER!  His effort has to be the all-time worst performance in the history of competition.  This was even worst than the Bad News Bears before they got the drunk coach, the smoker on the dirt bike, and the chick that could pitch.

As usual, Stephenie had some good quotes.  She said, “I’m in the less-abled group, and the group basically…sucks!”  She also said that Bobby Jon was cheering like a freaking girl.  I now feel bad for Bobby Jon because he claims that he wants to buy new cowboy boots when he goes home because he uses duct tape on his current boots.  Some company should step up and give him some new tape.  That way no matter how bad his boots get, he will always being able to tape them back together.

Danni was praying before each meal, thanking God for their corn and minnows, and thanking God she wasn’t on Nakum.  Brian said he wasn’t into praying or Jesus, but didn’t want to look bad.  He’s really smooth.  I’ll bet Jesus himself was fooled.  Is it sacrilegious to write that?  If it is, I’m sorry.  I don’t want to burn in Hell.

For the immunity challenge, they had to catch medium sized balls in nets.  Yaxha won!!  Bobby Jon, Brandon, Danni, and Blake outnumbered Brian, Gary, and Amy, so logically with numbers, they could pick off the old tribe.  However, Danni and Bobbi Jon flipped and voted off Blake.  They were obviously tired of his stories about narrow beds, thin toilet paper, and discernible vomit from his college days.  He never saw it coming which is always a fun thing to see on this show.

I look forward to next week.  I might tell you all about the family trip to pick pumpkins.  This might be the last week for sending this by email.  I’m trying to wean everyone off of the email and get you addicted to www.survivorsatire.com  Have a great weekend.

Episode #6

The pumpkin patch was great.  There were pumpkins both large and small in an area or land known as a patch, and it was great.  Despite obvious difference in size, all pumpkins were orange.  I told you I would tell you about the family trip to pick pumpkins.  It was as exciting as a book club that reads research papers.

I thought Survivor was great.  There was as much intensity as a soldier getting shrapnel taken out of his ass with nothing to comfort him but a shot of whiskey and a stick to bite.  Temperatures were rising, and not only for the people sitting next to the fires in the smoldering jungle.  The show was as funny as watching a monkey pleasure himself in a tree while looking down on a zookeeper with cleavage.  What makes that even funnier is the fact that it happened.  In monkey talk, he said, “You can’t cage this baby!”

The reward challenge once again had to do with a big ball.  The tribes were put in groups of two and had to push the big ball towards the other team’s goal line.  Judd won all three of his battles making him a Master of his domain.  Jamie was celebrating Nakum’s victory, and Bobby Jon went psycho by hootin’ and hollerin’ like a damn fool in Jamie’s face.  It was a face-to-face, chest-to-chest showdown to claim, “Who’s got the biggest balls of them all?”  Or at the very least, let everyone see the narcissistic fits of rage that occur when you’re off your medicine.  That was an AC-DC song lyric.

Nakum won the challenge, which gave them food, but also gave them a chance to compete within their tribe for individual immunity.  Yes strange.  Jeff informed everyone that both tribes would be going to council.  The tribe that won reward would get a chance for the individual immunity in which they had to collect pieces and spell a two-word phrase.  A person’s background influences their thought, so the players were coming up with many different words.  Stephenie wrote, “NICE TAN,” Lydia wrote, “CANT RUN,” and the monkey wrote, “LOOK OUT BELOW.”  The monkey used three words because he’s a better speller than counter.  He also used some of his own letters that were not provided.  Judd couldn’t get his letters out of the bag, so he looked over to Rafe and told him the answer was, “ANCIENT RUIN.”  It’s always nice to see the doorman strut his intellectual power.

Nakum was given hamburgers and hot dogs.  They also got beer and root beer.  There are several advantages and disadvantages to each drink.  If you drink the root beer, you look like a wuss, but drinking beer can get you drunk, and then you start babbling about wearing your sister’s underwear.  Just for the record, it was dark, and all the underwear was in the same basket.  Drinking the beer adds many calories in a calorie deficient diet, but it also dehydrates leading to more thirst.  Root beer tastes yummy and can bring back childhood memories of drinking “beer” for the first time.  “Beer tastes so good when it hits your lips.”  That’s from Old School.  Drinking the real beer can give you beer goggles and an unnatural desire to learn more about fishmongering while hitting on Lydia.  If you strike out with Lydia, don’t worry.  You always have the frisky monkey in the tree.

Both tribes took a turn going to tribal council.  Judd and Margaret went after each other for ten minutes.  I don’t mean like two young lovers, I mean like married people.  I don’t even know how to describe it, other than fun for the whole dysfunctional family.  When the smoke cleared, Margaret was unanimously voted off the tribe.  For winning individual immunity, Rafe got to watch and listen to the other tribe’s council.  Speaking of smoke, everyone was blowing it up Brian’s but, only to vote him off unanimously.  Brian’s famous last words while writing Bobby Jon’s name on the paper was, “This would be the outwit part of outwit, outplay, outlast.”  He really thought he had Bobby Jon.  I’ll bet poor Brian left town for the airing of last nights episode.  He actually had a chance to stay alive because Rafe secretly gave immunity to someone.  They had to vote without knowing whom he picked.  If Rafe had chosen gay Brian, he would still be on the show and everyone would have thought, “That’s so gay.”  Rafe gave the immunity to Gary.  Danni and Gary are both emaciated to the point where their bodies look the same.  Just about everything but their heads could be exchanged with each other, and nobody would know the difference.

This is the last week for sending this to everyone via email. I have several reasons.  I just deleted all the reasons because I sounded whiny.  Unless someone gives me a compelling reason to keep emailing, starting next week, you’ll have to get on www.survivorsatire.com if you want to read my drivel.

Episode #7

There seemed to be a lot of celestial photography in the show last night.  At first, I thought I was watching National Enquirer, no wait, National Lampoon.  That’s not right.  National something.  Anyway, as I was watching the stars in the dark sky, I noticed they were moving in a circular motion across the sky.  This got me thinking.  Maybe the earth isn’t flat.  Furthermore, maybe the earth is shaped like a ball, and we’re spinning on our axis.  Well, enough junk science.  That’s as crazy as people thinking that carbon dioxide is causing global warming.

The reward challenge was some goofy activity where they wound themselves with long cloth pieces.  At first, I thought it was going to be cool.  It reminded me of college parties where you chug a beer, put your head on a bat, spin around three times, and try not to fall down.  This game was nothing like that.  It was just goofy.  Rafe wound together with Stephenie and Lydia, and at one point, they fell.  It looked like he was humping Stephenie while trying to get her to stand up again.  I wonder if he was like a seventh grade boy in your first slow dance with a girl when you realize you can’t hide your excitement of holding a girl.  Since it’s Rafe, maybe it doesn’t apply here.

Yaxha won the reward so they got a zip-line canopy tour.  No big deal.  They’re still in the mosquito infested jungle.  Amy and Gary were talking about whether or not he was in the N.F.L.  She said when finished with the show; she would look up his name, Gary Hawking in her police computer.  If he was lying to her, she was going to kick his ass.  Considering his name is Gary Hogeboom, she might never know his identity.  Ironically, I looked up the name Gary Hawking, only to find out he is wanted in six states for raping farm animals.  Go ahead Amy, kick his ass!

Nakum won a puzzle making immunity, so Amy was on the chopping block for Yaxha.  She tried to convince Danni to go against Bobby Jon.  Amy claimed there was nobody better at outwitting than her.  You know that was her kiss of death.  At council, while writing Amy on his card, Bobby Jon said, “Amy is the strongest, most real human being I’ve met in my entire life…my entire life.  I won’t never meet anyone more real.”  Saying how real she is couldn’t be any more fake.  He obviously has an outstanding warrant for his arrest, and doesn’t want her meddling around in his business.  Bobby Jon also said it was his life long dream to be on the jury.  He’s 27 years old and Survivor has only been on for six years, which tells me two things.  He cannot conceptualize time or he came out of a coma five six years ago.  Speaking of coma, I was at Dairy Queen the other day when an employee was telling me that she had been in a coma for two weeks and can still remember more than all the other delinquent employees.  I was impressed because after getting my Oreo Blizzard, I realized I had forgotten my wallet at home.  If being on the jury is a life-long dream for Bobby Jon, he doesn’t have very high aspirations.  Talk about your go-getter shooting for the starts.  It’s amazing he was able to keep his job of being a waiter.  They typically don’t like highly motivated people in that line of work.

After getting voted off, Amy said she had a great time and wouldn’t want it any other way.  I can think of one way…WINNING!  I’m tired of gracious losers.  I want to hear them say, “This sucks!” or “Being voted off is really disappointing, but if it gets me some action with the ladies, it’ll all be worth it.”

At the end of the council, Jeff told Yaxha to go back to Nakum where they will now be one tribe.  They have to pick a new name.  Since they usually combine tribe names, I came up with a few ideas.  They are Ya Kum, Amy Kan, or Hank & Amy.  Think about those for a little bit.

I wanted to comment on one other thing.  Judd said his bark was not as big as his bite.  Here are five other expressions that he also thinks: A bush in the hand is worth two birds.  An old puppy can’t teach new dog tricks.  If you can’t stand the heat, get close to the campfire.  A quitter never quits and a winner never wins.  I have one for Judd:  A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Episode #8

The show started with Gary, Bobby Jon, Danni, and Brandon walking back to Nakum to tell them of the merge.  There are six in Nakum, so they know the days are probably numbered.  They decided on acting like servants to the Nakum.  What kind of dumb ass plan is that?  They already know they have you by the berries.  Acting like servants will make you all look like waiters, butlers, stewards, lackeys, footmen, flunkies, bellboys, maidservants, serfs, parasites, doormen,(Judd would know), underlings, puppets, errand boys, and bitches.  So they did it anyway.  They should have called me up and asked what to do.  I should be an advice giver, like Lucy on Charlie Brown.

There wasn’t a reward challenge, but the tree mail said that there was a six inch immunity statue hidden in the jungle.  The person who finds it could use it to save themselves at tribal council all the way up until the final four.  Judd was probably thinking, I’ve got your six inch immunity statue right here.  Rafe was thinking about his 3½ inch statue.  Gary is tall so he was thinking about all those interceptions that he wishes he never threw.  The statue looks like a dildo with a face.  If a girl finds it, she may come back to the camp with a smile on her face and a skip to her walk, and it would have nothing to do with having immunity.  Eventually someone is going to say, “Is that an immunity statue in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”  There is going to be a spin-off game show called, “Hide the Dildo” with your Host with the Most, Jeff Probst.  OK, enough vulgarity.  The thing that was annoying to me was the lack of effort in looking for the statue.  Someone said they looked for it an hour every day.  Are you kidding me?  If there is any light at all, and I’m not getting my beauty sleep, I’m searching.  I don’t care how tired I am.  If I was too tired to stand, I would sit down, scan the area, move another 20 feet, sit down, scan the area, and continue doing this all day.  The editing makes it look like some of the Survivors were close to it.  I wonder if anyone actually got close.  You know what?  I wasn’t really wondering about that, but I just wanted to write another sentence along that line of thought.

There were a couple twists other than the hidden dildo search.  Instead of having the “Merge Feast” for everyone, they were given a choice.  They could sit down and have a feast, or they compete for individual immunity, but they couldn’t do both.  Stephenie, Rafe, Jamie, and Lydia pigged out.  Everyone else had to balance a pot on his or her head for an hour.  Danni broke her pot, so she didn’t make it to the tie breaker of being the first to the top of the pyramid with your pot in tact.  So much talk of pot opened the door for many humorous phrases.  My favorites were: 1. Slowly bring your hands up to your pot.  2. Everybody’s pot is in place.  3. No hands can touch your pot at any time.  4. My favorite, A man who stands on toilet is high on pot.  That’s actually a Confuciusism from the DVE Morning Show.  Doesn’t this paragraph make you want to rent a Cheech and Chong movie?

Judd is a bit of a smart ass, so I like him.  When the remaining smaller tribe went fishing, he said, “Whoever catches the biggest fish goes home first.”  Wouldn’t it suck to be voted off and find out later that was the reason?   Especially if someone else caught the biggest fish, but you were only carrying it because they had to pee.  Rafe on the other hand is a nice guy that has come to the sad realization that people can be cruel.  He said he thinks he is a part of the Axis of Evil because he might have to vote for somebody who’s nice.  Get over it Rafe!  Kill or be killed, Vote or be voted.

With only three members in the one tribe and six left in the other, Gary, Bobby Jon, and Danni have only one play.  They need to flip two people to have a 5-4 vote.  The people to go after would be the two people on the bottom of the totem pole.  I think they will flip Rafe and Lydia and vote out Jamie.  I could be wrong, but I never am.  The vote was right along tribe lines, so I guess Brandon caught the biggest fish.

At the end of the show there is a family video clip for the person voted off the show.  I’m hoping that Brandon’s family was out milking cows or castrating pigs because the only person in the clip was his granny, and she had a bad case of sloppy make-up.

Episode #9

We have reached the point where the weekly loser makes it to the jury.  Remember this, if you don’t win, you’re a loser.  Coming close is not good enough.  Would you want to be a deer that came close to avoiding a truck?  Keep reading and find out which deer hit a truck this week.

The reward challenge was for food, and the food was a lot more interesting than the challenge.  The challenge was throwing a spear with the aid of some Mayan spear slinger.  It looked difficult because Lydia only threw it around 10 feet.  Actually, it wasn’t difficult.  Lydia has no athletic ability.  Vegas has the odds of her winning an individual immunity the same as Hillary winning the Presidency in 2008...slim to oh dear God, please NO!  For you mathematical people: numerically, that would be a million to one terrible Tuesday and four painful years.

It’s no surprise that Lydia came in last.  The surprise is that Jamie came in fourth, but decided to put himself in last place because he was a jerk the last few days.  The significance of this is that the order they came in for the challenge determined the level of food reward each Survivor received.  The following is the order they finished and the food they ate, all served with a comment or two from me:

1.      Judd had steak and lobster.  This is also known as Surf and Turf because surf represents the ocean, where the lobster comes from, and turf is just a word that happened to rhyme.  They could have just as easily called it Surf and Smurf in honor of Papa Smurf, who actually invented the meal.  This is a little known fact.  I saw it on 20/20.  When I was in college, I knew a guy that lied about everything, so I would make up ridiculous lies and tell him that I saw it on 20/20, and he always believed me.  In the case of Papa Smurf, he really did invent the steak and lobster combo.  He also invented a special potion that causes you to lack balance, slur words, and puke in your shelter.  Today it is known as beer, and Judd drank way too much of it because he did all three.

2.      Cindy had chicken and veggies.  Nothing very interesting here.

3.      Danni had spaghetti and meat sauce.  There was more meat in the sauce than on her body.  She looks like one of those marathon runners from Africa.  She is 6 by 6.  Six feet tall and six inches thick.

4.      Jamie would have been next for a burger and beer, but Stephenie got it instead.

5.      Gary got a piece of pizza.  I don’t think Dominoes delivers to Guatemala, so it was a frozen piece of cardboard pizza.

6.      Rafe got ham and cheese.  I don’t remember if it was a sandwich or just a piece of ham and cheese.  Who cares?

7.      Bobby Jon got a baked potato, which had an IQ four points higher than his IQ.  Bobby Jon had to eat a potato because 3½ girls finished ahead of him in a challenge that requires strength, skill, and aim.  Shameful indeed.

8.      Lydia got a little fish, which was less appealing than a Mcfish sandwich during lent.

9.      Jamie’s decision got him either Ramone nuts or Ramone’s nut and some boiled lake water.  I couldn’t tell because the phone rang.

Judd got to pick two people to eat with him.  He chose Bobby Jon because he figured Bobby Jon was going home soon and Stephenie because…well, you know.  When Jamie gave up his position, Jeff asked him why he did it.  Jamie said, “We’re one tribe now.  I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner.”  He is full of more poo poo than an overweight constipated elephant.  There were a couple other lines that only an idiot holding the deed to a swamp would believe.  Lydia was asked if she was happy to get moved up to the fish.  She said, “It’s great because I expected a cracker.”  Jamie was asked how the nuts tasted.  He said, “Nothing tastes better than my self-respect.”

For winning the reward, Judd also got a clue about the location of the immunity statue.  He shared this information with only Stephenie.  Do you see a pattern here?  When he was drunk, I would have tried to get the information out of him.  If that didn’t work, I would have taken the note when he was passed out in the shelter.  He was slick the next day when he told everybody to look on the ground to find the idol, despite the clue saying the exact opposite.

For the immunity challenge, there were three activities that required balance.  Four people advanced after the first leg, two after the second leg, and Jamie eventually won.  Once again, Bobby Jon lost to Rafe.  If I was Bobby Jon sitting at home, watching this show, I would have to ask myself what was worse; being voted out at council or losing to Rafe twice in a single hour of television.

Gary pulled out the secret idol he found and avoided being booted out of the tribe.  Now that Bobby Jon has been in a hit reality show twice, do you think he will still keep his waiter job, or will he move up to maitre d’?  He is the first one on the jury, so at least his life-long dream has come to fruition.  For his family video clip, his mom did all the talking and his dad gave everyone a wide-angle-crotch-shot.

Episode #10

I was disappointed in the show last night.  There were women in bikinis and a large mud pit, but no wrestling.  After all, mud pits and women go together as well as french fries and coleslaw in a Primanti’s sandwich.  The mud pit was for the reward challenge.  They had to go over and under obstacles in the mud pit while carrying pots of corn.  Pigpen would have been proud of them.  The teams were Gary, Danni, Stephenie, and Judd against four people that might have had a chance if Lydia wasn’t one of the four.  Lydia couldn’t move in the mud.  It looked like she was lying in the mud, but replay showed she is just very short.  The winning team got a helicopter ride to some guy’s house for a shower, feast, warm bed, and some videos from home.  I don’t mean videos like Star Wars, I mean videos from their families saying corny things because they didn’t have time to prepare anything worthwhile.  Maybe they did have time, but were just too lazy to prepare, like the idiot that knows he has a chance to kick a 40 yard field goal at halftime for a million dollars, but he never practices and kicks the ball 15 yards while never getting it any higher than 2 ½ feet off the ground.  Jeff said they would wake up to the fresh smell of Folger’s coffee.  I thought he was going to say bacon, but what do I know.  I’m not a coffee drinker.  I think Gary pretended to read the ingredients just to give the Folger’s name more commercial time.  I hope he was reading the ingredients because there are only two instructions:  Add water and make it hot stupid.  Since this week’s sponsor was Folger’s, they actually replaced Jeff Probst with Larry Flippleshnit, a similar looking guy, to see if anyone would notice the difference.  I noticed because there were a few things that Larry said that really gave him away.  Instead of saying, “Survivors ready?”  He said, “Hot chicks ready?”  At council, instead of, “The tribe has spoken.”  He said, “The bribe is one token.”  Instead of telling Jamie to bring his torch, he started singing, “Come on baby light my fire,” from The Doors.  Folger’s didn’t fool me for one darn second.  One other notable thing for the reward challenge:  Jamie is a psycho.  For the second time he told his team not to quit when the challenge was already over.  Someone needs to draw a diagram for him that would explain the difference between being a loser because you’re a quitter and quitting because you’ve already lost.  In either case, you’re still a loser.

For the immunity challenge, the Survivors were hooked into a long rope that was threaded through several obstacles that had to be navigated by each individual.  Rafe won to the surprise of the other Survivors, Jeff Probst, the entire camera crew, and five or six howler monkeys watching from a distance. 

At council, Judd said, “Gary is a man’s man, man.”  Judd has three “poker tells.”  Whenever he talks somebody up in a ridiculously redundant manner, he’s voting for that person.  Whenever he says, “I gotta be honest…”  He’s lying.  See my Top Ten Laws page.  The third “tell” is the way he makes his eyes wide open when he’s lying.  Watch these things and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Jamie got voted out and left the council with these words, “Blind-sided, nice!  That’s how you vote somebody out.”  It was great to see him go down this way.  He said he was the angriest with Lydia because she had never told him how to monger a fish.

Down to seven.  Gary has the biggest target, but he’s hanging in there.  Since Judd didn’t know everyone was voting for Jamie, I could see him going down next week.

Episode #11

Happy Thanksgiving!  I don’t know if I can get through this tonight.  I’m so tired from eating turkey all day.  What’s that stuff in the turkey that makes you sleepy?  Oh yeah, stuffing.  My Dad used to save the internal organs and make giblet gravy.  We would then stack pieces of toast and pour the giblet gravy over the toast.  I’ve come a far way from that.  Now I pay somebody to stack the toast. 

Tonight’s underlying topic on the show was lying, and Judd is the King.  In reference to Jamie being voted off the show, Judd said, “Judd doesn’t feel bad.”  1. He’s lying because he opened his eyes really wide, and 2. He is talking in the third person, which means he’s delusional because he thinks he’ a professional basketball player.  I know a lot about lying because I used to lie about all kinds of things.  I think this gives me the ability to recognize when others are lying.  Just like the saying, “You can’t B.S. a B.S.er.  Do I have to spell that out?  I think there is a lot of truth to that statement.  Today I live my life much differently because of a good piece of wisdom I heard from somebody.  They said, “If you always tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said.”  If that doesn’t knock you over, read it again and really think about what it’s saying.  I’m only writing this stuff because Survivor is a competition that requires a cunning mind and a deceptive tongue.  Some of these people act as if telling a lie in the game is sinful, and they plan to be honest the entire show.  This usually lasts until the first moment they need to lie, which is usually day two or three.  I’ll write more about lies as I go.

The reward challenge was a question-answer format. Based on Bloom’s Taxonomy, the type of questions were all lower level recalls.  (Yeah, I still got it!)  Despite the lower level questions, Stephenie made herself right at home in the underachiever section of class.  She was the only one to think the Mayans used Sanskrit.  Everyone knows it’s the ancient language of India.  Except for me, I just looked it up in the dictionary.  Stephenie then looked at other people’s answer for the true and false question.  She then changed her answer and got it wrong.  Way to go Stephenie.  You are the Star Student of the Day.  Lydia called Stephenie out on the amount of food rewards Stephenie had won.  Between this and voting for Jamie, Lydia has become a bigger outcast than a gay Jew in Nazi Germany.  I got that from Curb Your Enthusiasm.

After telling the Survivors about the reward, Jeff always asks, “Worth playing for?”  What does he think they’re going to say?  No Jeff, It’s not worth the energy, and you can take your steak skewers and stick them up your A-hole lotta love makes the world go round.  Cindy won the challenge and took Rafe on the reward with her.  He went into some weird rant about how Cindy is not very touchy-feely, and so it was nice for them to be touching and holding each other in the waterfall.  I submit that she is a touchy-feely person, but she saves it for straight guys. 

For the immunity challenge, Jeff told them a myth about a sluttish moon goddess names Ixchel that slept with more guys than Madonna.  There was a race to seven different stations to read and answer a question about the moon tramp.  If they got it right, they got a flag to put on their pole.  If they got it wrong, they had to put a stick into the fire.  Before the question could be read, six puzzle pieces containing the question had to be organized.  Does this make sense?  The question was written across the six pieces and then mixed.  This got me thinking.  I wonder if it would have been faster to take a 50/50 chance by opening one of the two answer boxes rather than taking the time to organize the pieces.  If you guess correctly, you save a lot of time.  If your guess incorrectly, you throw the stick in the fire and quickly come back and open the other box.  Am I the only person devious enough to cheat at the game itself?  Please let me know if anyone else thought of this.  It reminds me of Bunko.  It’s a silly game that has no strategy, until I then realized that if you have a lead at your table, and you’re holding the dice, just stall.  I told this to a few people I was playing with, and they got angry because they said I was corrupting the game.

The challenge came down to a sprint between Rafe and Gary.  It’s too bad Gary lost this one because he could have really used it.  Rafe won and began to reflect on his childhood by saying, “Growing up, I never knew someone who looked and acted gay and was also athletic and had confidence.”  I’m not going to make fun of him because nobody can take away the fact that he is destroying his competition.  He is in the middle of an immunity and reward challenge dynasty.  I will make fun of him saying that he is a gay Mormon.  Does this mean he can legally have many husbands?

At council, Jeff asked Judd if he has been honest to this point.  In his wide-open eyes, he said, “I don’t think I’ve lied yet.”  He accused everyone of lying and pointed out an instance where he thought Gary lied.  Gary refuted his accusation and said, “Lying is telling everyone the idol is on the ground.”  Jeff had Gary elaborate.  Watching Judd get busted for a lie minutes after his accusations and denials was one of the great moments in Survivor history, at least in my opinion.  If you’re opinion is different, you are wrong, and you should change your opinions to more closely match mine. 

I felt bad for Gary because he was a lone wolf in a pack of sheep.  I mean a lone sheep in a herd of wolves.  He stuck around longer than he was projected to stay.  I look forward to seeing the other survivor’s reactions to who he really is.  During the Febreze Family Moment, his daughter held up a picture of herself.  I’m not sure if this is cute or idiotic.  She might be trying to remind him of what she looked like a month earlier, in case he forgot.

Only six people left.  The finale is getting close.  I think Cindy will win because she is in the majority for her tribal alliance and any possible female alliance.  She is not causing tension or getting on anybody’s nerves.  She’s cute and doesn’t pose a threat.  We’ll see.

Episode #12

Cookies and milk for Cindy - $40.  Mosquito net for Lydia - $140.  Judd’s rant after being voted off the show – Priceless!  Tonight’s episode was all about Judd, and how the Doorman was shown the door last night.  He gave one of the best pissed-off speeches the show has ever seen.  I’ll get to all of that later.  The show started with the reward challenge, and the traditional food auction.  This included some normal things and some not-so-normal items.  After a couple different foods, Jeff brought out a sealed envelope.  He explained that it would give someone an advantage in the immunity challenge.  Danni needed it the most and bid $200 of her $500.  Jeff said that the next item for auction is coming around the corner.  A cute girl was the first person to enter the auction area, so Judd thought I’m gonna get me some of that, and immediately started counting his money.  It turns out all the family members were coming out from behind the ruins.  Judd’s plan was foiled because one of the family members was his wife.  The babe was Cindy’s twin sister Mindy. Cindy and Mindy, how cute!  Judd borrowed money from Cindy to have some “Happy Time” with his wife Kristin.  It cost him $880 dollars so that tells you something about Judd.  He is either really bad with money or really horny.  He later compared his wife to 26 White Castle cheeseburgers.  That might have gotten him a jab in the ribs last night.  He was allowed to pick two other people and their visitors to spend the night.  He picked Stephenie and her boyfriend Mike.  He also picked Cindy and her sister Mindy.  Danni, Rafe, and Lydia had to return to the old tribal location for the night.  After showing the fire pit and water tub, Judd, Kristin, Stephenie, and Mike all found themselves a cozy patch of leaves and dirt and got busy.  Cindy began to regret having her sister visit rather than her boyfriend.  To make the best of an awkward situation, Mindy and Cindy played Patty cake, braided each other’s hair, and talked about boys on which they have a crush.  They also talked about some girls back home that are just totally stuck-up.

Jeff described the immunity challenge as something that required smarts.  Judd closed his eyes and thought oh crap.  It was some activity too complicated to explain.  Right before being eliminated, Judd thought he had another move, but Jeff had to remind him of this difficult instruction: You can’t move diagonally.  He didn’t understand so Jeff said you can move left, right, or forward, but not two of them at the same time.  Judd still didn’t understand, so Jeff drew him a picture on the ground.  Danni’s decision to buy the immunity envelope at the auction paid off because it was the difference in giving her the victory.  She got beef jerky for $20, a steak sandwich and fries with Rafe for $180, and immunity for a total of $310.  She definitely got the most for her money.  If it had been my wife, I would have questioned why she spent so much on groceries.

At council, Judd’s eyes were bulging out again, and he was starting sentences with, “I’ll be honest with you.”  When his name came up the fourth time, he said, “I hope you all get bit by a freakin’ crocodile!  Scumbags.”  I haven’t heard that since I had a full head of hair.  Somebody should have said, “Up your nose with a rubber hose.”  To paraphrase his speech during the closing credits he said, “I’m really pissed off.  It sucks being lied to.  The one thing I didn’t do was lie to anyone.  I really believe you’re all a bunch of scumbags.”  I don’t know who’s in more denial of being liars.  Judd or the mainstream media denying there’s media bias.

To end this week’s summary, I wrote a little song.  You know the melody from a Budweiser commercial.  I…love…a sandwich and fries, Judd denying that he lies… and twins.  I…love..a winning underdog, Judd’s whiny monologue… and twins.  And I…love you too.  Well, not really, but I’m sure you’ll get over it.  I’ve broken many hearts.  Yours isn’t the first.

Episode #13

So it’s down to five girls.  Stephenie, Danni, Lydia, Cindy, and Rafe.  This reminds me of my teaching days when I was a lone male surrounded by many women…a rooster and his hens, a shepherd and his flock, if you will.  One day a student came in early to see me showing a couple of female teachers something on the chalkboard.  The kid thought I taught the other teachers what to teach and how to teach it.  Who says the youth of today are not perceptive?

The reward challenge was not nearly as significant as the choice presented to Cindy after she had won a brand new Pontiac Flood…Surge…Gush…Downpour…Stream, no wait, I’ve got it.  The Pontiac Torrent.  Jeff said there is “The Curse of the Car.”  No one has ever won the car and gone on to win the million.  She had a choice to keep one car for herself or give it up for the other four to win the same car.  Luckily, General Motors had done that Employee Pricing Program and CBS was able to get five cars for the price of one.  I’ve got five Corvettes myself.  It was a tough decision, but she kept it for herself.  She took the car because there were no guarantees of how anyone would vote, and because she really loved the shape of the tires, as she put it.  Nothing beats a good round tire!  I used to have square tires on my covered wagon.  It never moved.  At the time, I thought it was because my horse was dead, but now I’ve learned something.  Round tires good, square tires bad!

Lydia had an amusing quote before the reward challenge had started.  She said, “I haven’t really won anything, so I just have this crazy feeling that this might be my opportunity.”  She came in last place as usual.  I am convinced that she would lose a checkers game against herself.  I will give her credit for being the eternal optimist. 

Stephenie won the immunity challenge and guaranteed her in the final four.  This was the first time she had won individual immunity.  This girl had lost and lost and lost.  At a young age she had given up on Cracker Jacks because every time she opened the box, there was no prize.

I was disappointed to see Cindy voted out at council.  She should have given away the car.  If anyone of them had won the car, they should have given it away.  Now me on the other hand, I would have kept the car and gone on to win the million, but that’s just me.  I’m a superior athlete with a Master’s degree in Stratiology.  From this point on no one will ever take the car.  If I ever get on the show, I’ll take the car just to prove it can be done.

It might look like Stephenie is a backstabbing bitch for going with Cindy in her car for a barbecue feast and then voting for her.  She is, but I can see her strategy.  She still has tribe advantage over Danni, female advantage over Rafe, and every possible advantage known to humanity over Lydia with the exception of mongering fish.  Stephenie knows this will cost her Cindy’s vote, but as Zolinski said in Tommy Boy, “We have to have the strength to tie a few factories to a tree and bash them with a shovel.  Meanwhile, if I can grab your share of the market, put a little coin in my pocket by being the asshole, well, what the hell?”  Tommy Boy is my favorite comedy.  I know a few lines from that one.

It has come to the point where my heart tells me I should apologize to anyone I might have offended through the course of these weekly summaries.  Rather than an insincere blanket apology, I have gone through every summary to write a list of anyone I might have offended.  I am sorry for all: handicapped people, losers, people who go to colleges that have directions for names, city people, the Pittsburgh Pirates, old people, naïve magician assistants who think their magicians will leave their wives for them, farmers, people with bad singing voices, Gary Hogeboom and his family, women with sports savvy, women who sleep with guys to improve their careers, gay people, people who don’t know the different football positions or basketball terminology and lingo, hypochondriacs, people who are not good at climbing ladders, Scrappy Doo fans, circus clowns, doormen, cross-eyed people, umpires, people who refurnish old furniture, people with big hair, fishmongerers, short, stubby, and feminine people, cheerleaders, bad liars, drug addicts, glue sniffers, sororities, that accept feminine men into their club, women with small hooters, people who are in or who support marching bands, the makers of thin toilet paper or narrow dorm beds, doormen once again, people with IQs in the 75 range, possibly Jesus and any religious fanatics, the Christian fanatics not the Muslim ones, oh wait now I have apologize to the Muslim fanatics for not including them in the first place, book clubs and especially those who read research papers, narcissistic people more than anyone else and they know why, people who go hootin’ and hollerin’ like damn fools, people who like root beer, people who have made sexual mistakes due to drinking too much alcohol, dysfunctional families, people who believe in global warming…suckers, OK, sorry for that, people who design some of the challenges, young teenage boys that can’t hide their excitement, if you know what I mean, the owner of the zip line canopy tour, people who have sex with animals, people in a coma, not that they would know, people that come up with dumb ass plans, waiters, butlers, stewards, lackeys, footmen, flunkies, bellboys, maidservants, serfs, parasites, doormen, underlings, puppets, errand boys, bitches, people who are offended by vulgarity, inappropriate language, or politically incorrect writing, Brandon’s grandma and other old people that do sloppy make-up jobs, Hilary Clinton, her Communist party, and all the people who support her Presidential run in 2008, may she lose like Gore and Kerry, the true inventor of Surf and Turf, African marathon runners, the makers of frozen pizza, McDonalds, people who have to deal with overweight constipated elephants, people who own swamps, maitre d’s, people who get opportunities at half time events and totally choke, the Folger’s corporation, people who think you should be honest on Survivor, underachievers, people who have relatives that were gay Jews in Nazi Germany, slutty moon goddesses, Gore and Kerry and their supporters, Bunko players, especially those who think there is strategy in Bunko, people who don’t follow game instructions, the mainstream media, and finally gay Mormons.  I can’t imagine there are many of them.  If I left out anyone, and you feel sad, go ask your momma why she didn’t hug you more than she did.  Alright, I’m sorry for you folks too.  That’s it. I’m done.  Between apologizing to my wife and all of you, I might as well have a PhD in Apology. 

I don’t want Lydia to win because she has been useless.  Stephenie is the most likely to become obnoxious if she wins.  If Rafe wins, that means gay people have won 20% of all Survivor shows.  Danni has been the underdog since the merge, so I hope she wins.

Episode #14 the Finale

Way to go Danni!  I picked her to win all the way back on Thursday Night.  After listening to the interrogation period, I thought Stephenie was going to win with a 4-3 vote.  Instead, Danni wins with a 6-1 vote.  It’s keen insight like that which makes me lose every wager I make.  I had to quit betting on college football.  It wasn’t because I ran out of money.  It’s because my bookie felt guilty.  You would think on a 50/50 chance I would occasionally win.  Nope.  Anything that is 50/50, I lose.  In fact, when it comes to plugging in electrical cords, there is a 50/50 chance that you’ll line up the plug the correct way.  I never get it right.  I’ve given up on plugs.  I reconfigured everything I own to work on Double A batteries.  This is nice because I take my blender in my car and mix margaritas when sitting in traffic.  Speaking of 50/50, with only Rafe and Stephenie to choose, Stephenie said, “I think I have a 50/50 chance.”  I know her Math skills aren’t the greatest, but let’s cut her a break.  She’s in a jungle without a calculator and doing fractions on your fingers is rather difficult.  I’ve gotten ahead of myself, so let’s go back to the beginning of the show.

For the first 15 minutes of the show, they were doing some kind of shark background story.  I thought, what the heck is going on here? Shouldn’t they be talking about crocodiles?  Then Andy Rooney came on and talked about different car names.  He was also confused about the name of the Pontiac Downpour, I mean Torrent.  There I go again.  It turns out, there was a late football game that caused 60 Minutes to run late, and Survivor to start late.  Don’t I feel dumb?  I think CBS was doing one of those crossover shows.  Next time we’ll see Jeff Probst on 60 Minutes saying, “Did you ever notice?”  For the next 15 minutes Jeff gave a Cliff Notes summary of the first 13 episodes, except his summary was better than normal Cliff Notes because I didn’t have to read anything.  Jeff did all the talking, and he showed video.  If someone had missed all 13 weeks and watched this part, they would have a complete handle on the game.  If you happened to miss both, things just aren’t going your way.  I’ll start calling you Lydia.  After the recap, and the show actually began, Lydia said, “I’ve made it this far.  Is it my destiny?”  At this point, the entire world knew she was being voted out at the next council.  The only thing that could have saved her at this point would be me betting $50 on her to be voted out of the jungle.

Lydia went for the Tree Mail and ran back to the camp with the best news she had ever read.  First off, Lydia running through the jungle looked like Smeagle chasing after Frodo in Lord of the Rings.  My friend Chris said that she not only looks like Smeagle but a smaller version of George Lopez.  Second, she had everyone thinking there was going to be some fantastic feast for the final four.  It turns out there was no feast.  Instead, they were treated by Lydia’s cousins to an authentic Mayan blessing complete with incest, whoops I mean incense, some tamales they licked off a leaf, and the burnt offering of a chicken.  Stephenie stepped up to the nitwit plate and hit a homerun.  After ripping off the chicken’s head, she asked, “Did they kill it?”  No Stephenie, they are chiropractic interns practicing neck adjustments.  You’re next. 

It had to be a big disappointment.  Rafe said he was just waiting for a cultural experience.  Yeah, and I’m just waiting to sit through a five hour dance recital for my daughter.  I hope she wrestles.  Stephenie asked if they could eat the chicken, and the Mayans emphatically said, “NO!”  Therefore, the next day, they took the burnt carcass out of the fire, pulled off the carcinogenic material and went to town.  Rafe refused because he didn’t want to mess with the Mayan god of chickens.  Stephenie said it was cooked to perfection just the way Mom makes it.  I’m glad I don’t come home to her mom’s cooking every night.

For the first immunity, the producers made an incredibly elaborate maze and obstacle course.  The producers probably didn’t make it.  I’m guessing they hired some guys with tool belts.  Rafe won.  Instead of getting rid of a bigger threat like Danni or Stephenie they voted for Lydia.  With only two days left, I guess they didn’t need her cleaning up around the camp anymore. 

The second immunity was a balance challenge.  Rafe was the first to lose only because he had a mental lapse and illegally touched his wood.  You know, maybe it wasn’t a mental lapse at all.  It wouldn’t have made any difference.  Danni absolutely dominated because of her long legs.  It’s difficult to explain, so just trust me when I tell you those long legs are good for more than one thing. 

Immediately after this challenge, Rafe said to Danni, “I release you from our agreement to take me to the final two.”  At this point, does she really care?  He was just trying to look like the all-American-great-guy.  It backfired on him because Danni picked Stephenie to be in the final two.  Rafe quickly tried to un-release her from the agreement to no avail. 
The interrogation process wasn’t very impressive.  The theme was this: We’ll ask softball questions, you will partially answer them, and we’ll say that it was a good answer.  If I were an Iraqi prisoner, I would want these people questioning me, even if they did occasionally put some underwear on my head.  The only thing that really sticks out is Judd accusing Stephenie of lying a lot.  Even in the reunion show, Jeff pointed out Judd’s lying.  Judd said it was because he had been drunk the night before. 

For the reunion show, everyone cleaned up well.  I’d say the “Clean Up” award goes to Danni.  This is mainly because her clothing covered her skeletal frame and because Stephenie had overdone it on the make-up. 

Danni gets the million bucks Monday morning, and I get a few more hours of sleep on Thursday nights.  Who’s the real winner here?   This has been another enjoyable season of watching and writing about the show.  I have the itch again, so God and my wife willing, I will reapply for the show.  I will continue making changes to the website, so periodically look at it.  The next season was filmed in Panama.  Jeff promised some new twists.  Bobby Jon and Stephenie will be back for a third time.  That’s a new twist.  No one has ever come back three times.  Until then, take care.