Survivor Satire

Episode #1  The All-Time Greatest Team

            It’s great to have Survivor on again, but I want to start tonight’s summary with a rant.  How can this group be considered favorites?  Are you kidding me?  Favorites?  What are their qualifications?  I’m sure they watched a lot of shows.  Yippee!  How many of them have a website dedicated to the show?  Every week, I write until one or two in the morning and then wake up at 5:45 for a Men’s Bible Study.  That might sound a little hypocritical, but I need the Bible study to redeem myself for the things I write.  Anyway, I put as many hours into Survivor as James puts into the weight room, or Cirie puts into eating fast food, or Parvati puts into sucking face with strangers that she thinks can help her in some way, and maybe a fraction of the hours that Fairplay puts into being an asshole.  I didn’t get an interview or even a phone call.  I’ve had it with Jeff Probst.  He’s no longer safe from my scrutiny.  For too long, I’ve treated him like a grandparent at the old folks home on a normal yearly visit.  Actually, I think they’re called Assisted living.  Whatever.  They all smell the same and there’s always somebody walking into a wall.  As far as Probst is concerned, I’m going to abuse him like the medicine closet in Heath Ledger’s house.  I will mock everything from half-heartedly raising his hand to signal, “Go” to asking everyone if the reward is worth playing for.  Really, is he serious?  If he was offering a chance to squeeze pimples on his back, he might want to ask, but asking a group of starving people if food is worth playing for is like asking Hilary Clinton if the Presidency is worth selling her soul to the devil.  I’m not bitter, but you can call me Unsweetened Chocolate.  Alright, let’s get to the show.

            Some of the early commentary was interesting.  Jeff told the first tribe the one thing they had in common was that they were all big fans.  The second thing they had in common were big breasts, except for the crazy lady.  The only thing smaller than her breasts was her brain.  She began a conversation with Chet, the token gay, by asking him, “Are you a homosexual?  Should I say gay?”  The conversation only deteriorated when she wanted him to confirm that it doesn’t mean he wants to be a girl.  There is at least one gay person on every season of Survivor.  If she is such a fan, she should have learned more than enough about homosexuality from any of the previous 15 Survivors.  Mikey B has names for some of his teammates.  They include: Big Bird, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Southern Princess, Jon Bon Jovi in his Prime, and The Incredible Hulk.  I might like this guy.  Jonny “The Douche Bag” said, “I consider myself the greatest player in the history of the game.  I played the perfect game last time.”  Yet he didn’t win.  Interesting…Let’s see.  The Patriots had the “Perfect Season,” and where are they now?  Jonathan said that it was one thing to be a fan of the Red Sox, but you wouldn’t want to play against them because you would get your ass handed to you.  Remember that thought.   

The show began with the fans arriving at the beach and Jeff announcing that they would be playing against former contestants.  They all looked excited and worried at the same time.  The worry ended when Jeff announced the first former player as being Cirie.  It was the same feeling you get when a cop is coming up behind you with his siren on and then he passes you.  They each thought, Wow, I’m glad it’s not James, Ozzy, or Yau-Man.  Then they thought crap, because James, Ozzy, and Yau-Man came out next.  Finally, Jonny Fairplay was announced, and he strolled into the group as if he had some significance in life.

The first challenge was to swim across the bay, and find one immunity idol for each tribe.  Erik The Ice Cream Scooper made it across first, which is significant because he thinks he can out perform Ozzy.  That’s like Crazy Lady Kathy thinking she can out-flirt Parvati.  That just ain’t going to happen.  Parvati would gyrate against a tree if she thought the tree would help her win.  She already went to work on James, who said she is a sex kitten type of girl, and he likes it!  I don’t blame her.  He’s big, strong, and her alternatives are Fairplay and Yau-Man.  Now I’m not knocking my man Yau-Man, but he would rather cuddle with an immunity idol.  Is it any surprise that he arrived at the beach last and found the idol?  The best part of finding the idol was smashing Fairplay’s head against the boat in order to grab it.  The second best part of finding the idols was Fairplay grabbing the wrong team’s idol.  Unfortunately, Crazy Lady Kathy was in the right place at the right time and picked up her team’s idol.

Back at their camps, the Favorites were efficient machines at gathering food, making fire, and building a shelter.  The Fans…not so good.  Once again, how can so many years of watching the show not better prepare them?  That would be like the New England Patriots secretly taping the St. Louis Rams Super Bowl walk-through back in 2002, and not being able to beat them.

At the team immunity challenge, Eliza said her tribe was well-fed, rested, and ready to kick some ass.  Jonny Fairplay said that he was actually gaining weight.  The other team said they didn’t believe it.  Fairplay said they were more stupid than they look.  That reminds me of a tenant of mine.  The tenant is an Indian spice store, and the owner complains about the smell coming from the pizza store next door to them.  He says, “It is stinky.”  That might be more amusing if you can picture that said with an Indian accent.

The challenge involved assembling wheels out of puzzle pieces, putting them on a cart and racing along a path.  They had to find planks in a sand pit in order to build a bridge for the cart.  Finally, they had to remove and disassemble the wheels in order to put them on a large wheel in which they turned to raise a flame and set off some sparklers.  At least, I think that’s what happened.  I was checking the Penguins score.  The Favorites had Immunity Challenge experience and were highly favored to win just like the Patriots.  However, the Favorites couldn’t put the wheels together at the beginning of the race and fell quickly behind.  They looked like the zombies in Dawn of the Dead.  During the race, the cart hit something.  Eliza flew out of the cart and hit her face on something.  They went on to lose.  The team that had no chance won and I guess that’s why they have the race.  The look of defeat was even sweeter knowing that none of them was going home to Gisele Bundchen.

Throughout the show, everyone was immediately making their alliances.  This doesn’t bother me because it’s normal, and I would do the same.  The annoying part was all the talk of who to vote out before they even had the first challenge.  I don’t care who they are or what they’ve accomplished.  That is the conversation of losers.  Jonny was claiming that he was playing everyone, and he had everyone in the palm of his hand.  Out of nowhere, with tears in his eyes, he starts telling people that he has a girl friend, she is seven months pregnant, and he misses them so much that he wants to leave.  I was very skeptical of his story.  Who in their right mind would date him?  Whoever it is, they should be on the show.  Anyone willing to sleep with Jonny Fairplay has to be the all-time greatest Survivor fan.  I found it very annoying how he referred to himself in the third person for the entire show.  His bio reads that his occupation is Reality TV Contestant.  Talk about a career with a short life span.  I just read more of his Bio to find that he really has made reality his career, so what do I know?  I’m just thankful I haven’t seen any of his other works of art.

             At council, Jeff harassed Fairplay as if he wanted him off the show.  The vote was unanimous and Jonny was gone.  I don’t think it mattered what the votes were because Jeff was going to stuff the box with Jonny’s name no matter what.  Let me just explain how dumb Jonny is.  He claimed that he wanted off the show because he wanted to be with his pregnant girl friend.  However, he had to stay in Micronesia for the entire taping of the show.  The only thing he accomplished was putting an exclamation point on his title of Biggest Loser!  I thought the show was great and I really like the concept of Fans against the Favorites.  The fact that Jonny is gone made the show.  In case I didn’t mention it, the all-time greatest football team lost the Super Bowl.

Episode #2  Love is in the Air

            It’s February 14^th.  Oh yes, the day of love.  I have a story.  Yesterday, I was picking up a salon gift certificate for my wife.  The girl asked different questions like: To whom?  From whom?  She then typed my answers into the computer as I answered.  She asked, “What would you like the note to say?”  I responded, “I’m sorry for killing your cat.”  Her eyes bugged out with a look of shock.  I told her I was just kidding.  She started laughing so hard, it made me laugh uncontrollably.  It took awhile to gain our composure.  I was still smiling when I left the salon.  I have to admit, Valentine’s day is the one day a year I try to pick up my romantic game a little, so here I am writing about a TV show.  Worse yet, a TV show that has completely overlooked me for the Fans tribe.  They could have at least put me on the Favorites tribe.  In the world of Survivor, I’m sure I’m more popular than Ami.  Does anyone even remember Ami?  Let me remind you.  She was the man-hating-lesbian-genius behind the tribe of six girls that couldn’t vote off one guy, and he ended up winning the million bucks.  Does she ring a bell now?  It’s all coming back like chafing after a few days at the beach.

            Tonight’s show was the Valentine’s special because there was some kissy-kissy going down at the Favorites camp.  The Favorites were so efficient in getting food, fire, and shelter that they were finding other ways to occupy their time.  James and Parvati were starting to heat up a little.  Ozzy and Amanda were doing complete dental checks.  To follow the Valentine theme, Ami started making out with Eliza, and Cirie went after Yau-Man.

            I remember picking out Valentines when I was in grade school.  I had to find the perfect cards for the prettiest girls in the school.  The Super Friends were popular so one card had Aqua Man saying, “Let’s get wet together.”  Another was Jayna from the Wonder Twins telling Zan, her twin brother, “I know you’re my twin, but you are so gay!”  My favorite card had Superman saying, “I’m rock hard.  Wanna feel?”  The love of my 10-year old life was Kelly Smolleck.  I would keep her Valentine and tape it to my bedroom wall.  Her parents probably forced her to give me a Valentine, so she would include one of those gross little candy hearts that read things like, “Never!  Forget it! or I don’t think so!”  I quickly ate the candy to destroy the evidence.  Once in a while, I would get a card from some kid that said, “Be my Valentine!” and I would think, “What the heck?!?  I don’t even want to sit at the same lunch table anymore.  Well, that’s probably enough Valentine’s Day coverage.  What’s happening in Micronesia?

The reward/immunity challenge involved running across Lilly pads, swimming to a tower, jumping off the tower while breaking a plate, retrieving a key, opening a chest, and solving a puzzle.  There must have been some budget cuts because this is the second time they combined the reward and immunity into one challenge.  The big loser in this challenge was Chet, who single-handedly lead his team to defeat.  Yes, I know that you win as a team and lose as a team.  That’s true most of the time, but in this case, he redefined failure.  As soon as he jumped off the first platform into the water, I knew he didn’t know what he was doing and said to my throw-pillow, “That looked awkward!”  He was unable to find his key in the water and made almost no effort to dive down for it.  Joel told him to get out of the water.  He slowly moved to the beach as they yelled for him to hurry.  He looked like he was walking to his room after being told by his parents to go practice his music lesson.  I know that walk quite well.  After finally getting to my room, I would lie on my bed and tap the drums periodically for the full half hour.  I think I told that story before, but that’s alright.  The repetition will strengthen our writer-reader relationship.

Being a Fan of Survivor, did it ever occur to him that a minimal proficiency in swimming would be required?  Just because you’re a fan of something, doesn’t mean you go out and do it.  I love football, but I’m not about to line my 175 pound body, alright, 195 pound body against a 300 pound lineman and say, “Hike!”

            The Favorites won the challenge and got fishing supplies and a boat.  They also had to pick someone to send to Exile Island.  They chose Crazy Kathy.  They also had to choose one of their own.  The Favorites forced Cirie to volunteer. 

After getting to Exile, Kathy and Cirie read the first clue.  Normally, that’s all they would receive.  However, this time, the first clue leads to a second clue, which leads to a third clue, and so on.  They had to cross the water each time, so it wasn’t easy.  Well, it wasn’t easy for these two.  They were unable to find the fourth clue.  At least, it appears that way.  To tell you the truth, I was surprised to see them find the first clue.

Back at camp, Mikey D. was planning the exit of Chet, which would have surprised nobody.  Mikey was examining and explaining different scenarios for voting.  It was like explaining Physics to a chimp or tax cuts to a Democrat.  Nobody was able to follow his thoughts of how council might go down.  Joel started to think that Mikey has too much power too early, so he masterminds a plan to get rid of Mary, Mikey’s honey baby.

At council, Kathy played her original idol that she found.  After everyone voted, Jeff asked if anyone wanted to play the Exile Island Idol.  Kathy was the only one to go to Exile, so everyone looked at Kathy as if she might play a second idol at the same council meeting.  I don’t think she found it, but if she had, I wouldn’t put it past that nut to play it.  For a second, I thought she might actually do it.  Mary was voted off with five votes.  She was shocked that she got one vote, so her heart probably failed when Jeff said, “The tribe has spoken.”  It was a great vote because I don’t remember the first vote ever completely blind siding somebody.  The look in Mikey’s face was priceless.  In her interview, Mary said, “I don’t know what happened!”  I look forward to the discussions back at their two-tent camp.  Yes, that is correct.  They have two shelters.  One for old people like Kathy, Tracy, and Chet.  The other for young foolish people like everyone else.  It might be interesting to see how the sleeping arrangements play out in coming weeks.  I know the Favorites camp could use an extra lean-to for people wanting to hook-up with a little privacy.  They might actually start a new trend, “The Sex-Lean-To.”

Episode #3  My True Favorites

It’s the third week of Survivor, and I still don’t know the official names of the tribes.  Who cares?  Fans versus Favorites will have to work despite the misnomer of each.  Fans?  To review, they couldn’t build a decent shelter or start a fire…even when they had the flint.  Favorites?  I would consider only two of these clowns to be my favorites.  My man Yau-Man, and Ozzy.  To complete my list of Top-10 All-Time Favorites I would include:  Elisabeth Hasselbeck, formerly known as Elisabeth Filarski, and Colby Donaldson from Australia.  Elisabeth because of her absolute domination in cuteness and Colby because he was on a very funny episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.  Rob Cesternino from Amazon because he was a plotting mastermind.  Rupert Boneham from Pearl Islands because he was a big funny teddy bear.  Stephenie Lagrossa from Palau because she survived so much in a tribe of one person.  Terry Deitz from Panama because he was so competitive, intelligent, and dominating.  Ozzy from Cook Islands for two out of three of those reasons.  Dreamz Herd from Fiji because I enjoyed listening to him contradict himself so often.  Finally, Courtney from China because her extraordinary wit and impersonations made up for her being worthless in every other area.

There was a lot of the plotting, scheming, and backstabbing and I’m only talking about the St. Patrick’s Day Party planning meeting at my son’s pre-school.  The show was almost as vicious.  I enjoy seeing all the plotting.  I like when a group of people are talking and someone comes up on the group.  Everyone breaks up and goes a different direction.  It’s just like at a wedding when your uncle with the comb-over and sweaty pits tries to join the single women dancing in a circle.

The producers must have received a generous financial gift because they were able to afford two challenges this week.  I just had a flashback to my childhood when I wrote the word, “afford.”  My family was poor, and my Dad received food stamps.  I would sneak into his desk and steal them so that I could go to the store and buy Ho Hos.  Now there’s a dream child for you.  I should probably let my Dad know that I was the one taking all the food stamps.  I should also let him know that I was the one who took my brother’s coin collection to buy candy.  I also broke farm equipment on purpose to avoid work, and finally it was me that caught the front of the house on fire.  Wow, I feel liberated.  Now, I just need to build up enough confidence to tell my Dad all those things.  Everyone should do the same.  In fact, I want everyone to email me and tell me about the things you did in your life that nobody knows about.  Not the boring crap.  I want the juicy stuff ladies!  Guys…don’t bother.

The Reward Challenge involved each team trying to carry five canvas bags into the other team’s end zone. The entire playing area was in two-feet of water.  It was quite physical.  It didn’t seem like either team used any kind of real strategy.  Instead, it was a potpourri of hits, tackles, and body slams.  I was hoping for a Joel and James showdown but I don’t think it ever materialized.  Joel had been showing his tribe some basic wrestling moves at camp.  If he was a former wrestler, he will destroy James.  I’ll guaranty that.  Each tribe had to pick three items from a book that they wanted if they won.  The Favorites won.  They picked shelter items, a lighting kit, and a survival kit.  I’m not really sure what those prize packs include, but it pales in comparison to the Penguins come-from-behind victory tonight, so who cares?

The Favorites picked Kathy for Exile Island and Ami went with her.  The two of them didn’t accomplish anything, and I’m not sure why.  Ami was determined to follow each clue, but Kathy had to know that she could skip ahead to the fourth clue and not do all the island hopping.  They didn’t show much of these two, so who knows how far they managed to go.

At the Immunity Challenge, two men and two women had to hold a large net basket up in the air by holding onto ropes.  The rest of the team tried to throw coconuts into the other team’s basket.  The Fans were throwing more coconuts into the basket, however, James looked like he could hold the basket all day by himself.  Unfortunately, he couldn’t.  The Favorites finally dropped the basket giving the Fans the crucial Immunity win.

Back at camp, the Favorites returned to scramble mode trying to secure Cirie’s swing vote.  She went from being a swing vote to controlling the vote.  This infuriated Jonathan because he couldn’t make Cirie see the irrationality of her thoughts, which is the case for most conversations between men and women.  James couldn’t talk any sense into her either and said, “I feel like I’m in China again messin’ with a bunch of dumb asses.”

At council, I was very sad to see my man Yau-Man voted off the show.  I have no idea what Cirie was thinking.  There are eight people left.  In one alliance, there are two couples getting it on.  Does she really think she can crack that alliance?  She may want to let James have a taste of her brown sugar, but it ain’t going to happen.  Now she is even numbers with Ami, Eliza, and Jonathan.  Now there’s a power alliance.  If the Favorites lose more immunity, she will continue to be the 5^th vote.  The more I think about it, this could work.  She is the fifth wheel on a very strong alliance.  If it came down to those five, she could decide the fate of what couple would be doomed and guaranty herself in the final three.

My favorite quote of the night came from Alexis, who I’m starting to like because she is getting cuter every show.  During the torrential downpour, she said, “It’s pouring down rain.  Our shelter sucks.  Everyone is freezing.  Everyone is cold.  We’re all sopping wet, and there’s not much we can do.”  The thing that makes this funny is the fact that she is a motivational speaker.  Her specialty is talking people into suicide.  Have a great weekend.

Episode #4  Not Once, Not Twice, but Three Times an Ass-Whoopin’

I wasn’t sure where to start tonight, so I thought I would make fun of Catholics.  It’s that time of year when they show their devotion to their faith by getting some ash on their forehead and not eating meat on Fridays.  Wow, that’s an impressive way of showing obedience to our Creator.  I actually double my meat consumption of Fridays just to spite them.  I’m not saying that I’m against sacrifice, I just don’t think that giving up a little food six times a year is going to bring anybody closer to God.  There are some things I could sacrifice that would be more impressive than giving up meat for six Fridays.  I could give up buying $6.00 beers at baseball games.  That would be around ten times per year.  I could give up Nachos at hockey games.  That would be around 20 times per year.  I could give up peeing in the shower.  That would be around 365 days a year.  I think the meat on Fridays thing is a bunch of brainwashing.  I can picture a married guy going out for dinner on a Friday night with his whore girlfriend, but making sure he orders fish.  I can also picture prison inmates serving life sentences for banging farm animals in 15 states and getting pissed off at their cellmate for eating the mystery meat on Friday night during Lent.  This is just my opinion, I could be wrong.

I’m convinced that Kathy might be the dumbest person ever allowed on this show.  She was chosen once again to visit Exile Island.  This time she went with Ozzy.  On her first trip, she made it to the fourth clue.  On the second trip, she didn’t bother trying to search.  This time she was with a clue-finding-machine, and she decides that she’s not interested.  I don’t understand why she doesn’t tell them to start at the location of the fourth clue.  Anyway, Ozzy tells her that he is going to look for some food.  Meanwhile he spends the next few hours on the hunt for clues.  He finds the idol, hides it in his hat and goes back to Kathy empty-handed.  She wonders why he hasn’t found any food, so she chalks it up to being in a part of the world where food doesn’t exist.  Ozzy tells her that he will look for more food.  Instead, he starts to whittle down a piece of wood in order to make a Yau-Man original fake Immunity Idol.  Although he doesn’t have the paint to write “I-I” on the stick, he wraps it in the same cloth and puts it back in the proper location.  Oh boy, Oh boy, do I hope somebody like Ami or Parvati finds and plays the fake idol.

For the Reward Challenge, four people had to swim out to a steel cage, get lettered coconuts, place them in a floating bin, pull them to shore, and have the other four people unscramble the letters to make a word.  Ozzy helped his team tremendously by moving several coconuts through the cage at the same time.  The fans saw what he was doing, but continued to use the “Lose-Ground” strategy to fall more and more behind.  The puzzle people for the Favorites were Eliza, Amanda, Cirie, and James.  You wouldn’t think the gravedigger would be the one solving the puzzle, but he did.  Either he’s the world’s smartest gravedigger or the other three have been padding their Survivor resumes.  For winning, the Favorites won three hens and one rooster.  At first, I thought the purpose of the rooster was to let the hens have a good time, and then I realized, the rooster is supposed to model some jungle love for Amanda, Ozzy, James, and Parvati.

The Immunity Challenge was a six-point sliding hub assembly in which six people had to harness themselves to the hub and then maneuver through a course while picking up lettered necklaces.  They put the necklaces on a wheel to decipher a simple phrase.  Once again, the Favorites kicked the Fan’s asses.  Cirie ran and jumped up on James.  I don’t know if she picked James because he was black or because he was the only one that could handle her, but it reminded me of Rasputia going after Norbit on their wedding night.

So far, there have only been two ass-whoopin’s.  The third one came back at Camp Fan.  It looked like it was going to be an obvious pick to send Chet home.  He’s weak, sick, and gay.  However, Tracy decided that she didn’t want her alliance of three older weak people to be decimated any further.  She went to Joel and absolutely kicked his ass.  She said she was pissed off at him.  She told him he was rolling over for Mike, and wanted to know why he was letting Mike run the camp.  The last time a guy took a beating like that was me about two nights ago.

At council, there were some comments that made no sense, but I forget what they were and who said them, so it was a waste of time to even bring it to your attention.  In the end, I was surprised to see Mikey get the most votes.  The tribe is certainly weaker.  On the positive side, he was probably annoying the crap out of everyone, especially the guy that could break him in half.

Episode #5  Strength in Weakness

This was an exciting week.  My son lost his first tooth and my daughter is finally potty trained.  The most exciting thing this week was taking the safety-gate off the bottom of the staircase.  This may not sound very exciting, but it was cathartic.  You can only appreciate this euphoria, if you’ve gone through it.  To walk up or down the stairs without opening or closing the gate was like opening a car window on a warm spring day…before you smell the skunk.  The next milestone will be removing the child safety locks from all the cupboards.

Tonight’s show was equally exciting.  Tribal changes, injuries, and another surprise pick to go home was enough to keep me awake for the whole show.  I’m just kidding, I always stay awake for Survivor.  It’s not like it’s my daughter’s dance recital.  Ozzy decided to tell James, Amanda, and Parvati that he had the idol.  Amanda claimed the four of them were a powerhouse.  The next thing she knew, Jeff was splitting the tribes.

To mix up the tribes, each person had to pick a stone out of a hat.  The person from each tribe that picked the odd color became the captain for picking the new tribe.  Each person then had to pick someone from the other tribe.  The news of switching tribes probably made Ozzy go poopy in his pants because he had hidden the idol back at his camp.  It would be conceivable that he would never see his idol again just like John Bobbitt after Lorena took a knife to his…  Luckily, for John, they were able to reattach it, and luckily, for Ozzy, he went back to the same beach. 

Natalie picked first for Airai and chose James.  Ozzy picked first for Malakal and chose Joel.  The new Malakal tribe is Ozzy, Amanda, (How cute!), Ami, Cirie, Tracy, Chet, Erik, and Joel.  Airai is comprised of Natalie, Kathy, Alexis, Jason, James, Parvati, Eliza, and Jonathan.  Jason said Parvati’s name incorrectly, and of course, it bothered her.  When you have a freaky name, you’re going to get freaky pronunciations.  What to you expect?  Try blaming your parents and not the innocent people who have to see a speech pathologist before saying your name.  The last two picks were Chet and Eliza.  This may be harder to believe than finding out Major League Baseball players use steroids.  By the way, 20 out of the 68 players being investigated are Yankees.  It’s hard to believe the team with the most money and the best players cheated to win all those World Series titles.  Yankee fans should be really proud of the their team.  There are no Pirates being investigated.  With 15 straight losing seasons, was there any question?  When Chet was picked for Joel’s team, Joel was as excited as a prostitute going to her high school reunion. 

They immediately went to a Reward Challenge with their new tribes.  They were paired and harnessed to someone in their tribe.  Then each pair had to chase after a pair in the other tribe through a ‘stick-fenced’ area in order to grab a flag off the other team’s back.  They took turns chasing, otherwise they would run into each other and all fall down like a bunch of bowling pins.  I only explain that because if people don’t grow up playing games and sports, they might not be able to picture what is happening.  It’s similar to a game called, “Tag.”  Perhaps some of you couch potatoes have heard of it.  They were only allowed sixty seconds, and they only needed three points to win.  My first thought was the lameness of the challenge.  A team could get their three points in less than three minutes.  It would have taken longer than three minutes to think up the game in the first place.  I changed my mind when I witnessed the carnage of people flying into the wood fences, smashing into trees, and being dragged through the mud.  At one point, James and Jason went two different ways around the same tree and collided on the other side.  They looked like one of the clackers that your kids play with in order to annoy the crap out of you.  Ami hurt her knee.  Jonathan punctured his knee with a stick.  He received stitches by the medical staff later that day.  It was pretty nasty.  I thought I was watching a medical program where they show everything.  Parvati got a fat lip and looked a little like Angelina Jolie.  I wonder if her flirting lessened any for the next few days.  Probably not.  She has other weapons of mass flirtation besides her lips. 

There was a two-point tie so it came down to Joel and Chet having sixty seconds to catch Parvati and Eliza.  They couldn’t do it.  For the most part, Joel dragged around Chet like Marmaduke dragged around everybody.  Joel would have been better off, putting Chet over his shoulder and chasing after the girls.  Being a fireman, you would think Joel would know the Fireman’s carry.  He didn’t, and the girls helped Airai win the reward challenge.  Chet told Joel, “I hit my head back there.”  Joel said, “I don’t care.”  Chet said, “I know.”  This is the kind of conversation that makes you think those boys just don’t play well together.  I don’t know why they consider Chet to be so weak.  I think he looks pretty tough with his barbed wire tattoo around his arm.  After seeing his tattoo, I wouldn’t mess with him.  At one point, he was talking about the natural pecking order of chickens.  He said he knows everything about chickens.  I’ll bet he does.  This means he would know that the chickens are the preferred animal for those who enjoy animals more than people.

When the new tribes went back to their beaches, Ozzy quickly went to Joel to agree upon getting rid of Chet.  Joel was no dummy.  He said he would agree to get rid of Chet if they gave up Cirie first.  I was impressed with the strategery of the big man.  He understood the numbers game, recognized that it was still Fans versus Favorites, and didn’t want to give the Favorites a numbers advantage.  They sounded like two Generals on a battlefield discussing the rules of engagement for the upcoming battle.

For the victory, Airai won steak, sausage, vegetables, spices, and wine.  Airai began cooking their feast.  Despite the tide rising, they kept the fire pit in the same location along the beach.  A wave eventually submerged and put out the entire fire.  I had to laugh because those Fans really know how to show they are students of the game.

Ozzy and Erik went fishing.  Erik was impressed with Ozzy to the point I felt a little nauseous.  He said that he was incredible and couldn’t compete with him.  This disappoints me because I’ve gone through life believing that I can compete with anyone in anything.  I don’t win everything, but I’ll never quit, roll over, or back down from a challenge.  He’s a sissy.  And another thing, he looks like Andy Gibb.

Meanwhile, Amanda was fishing with a net and caught a four-foot shark.  This was turning on Ozzy like March Madness turns on Dick Vitale.  Malakal managed to eat well despite not winning the Reward Challenge.

For the Immunity Challenge, they had to throw rocks, to break tiles, which dropped puzzle pieces to the ground.  The pieces were then put together in one large puzzle.  Each tribe had one person on a platform directing the puzzle people.  It was Eliza for Airai and the Barbed Wire Tattoo guy for Malakal.  Airai was unable to knock their pieces down for a long time, so Malakal too a big lead.  Airai was complaining to Jeff, and he responded with, “Stop bitchin’ and start throwin’!”  I liked his response, but he should have more input for who gets on the show.  Chet is a Fan?  Yes, I’m still bitter.  Despite Malakal’s big lead, Chet and Joel blew it because they were disagreeing on the placement of puzzle pieces, and Airai won the challenge.

Back at camp, everyone seemed to agree that Chet was the one to go until Cirie got involved.  She began campaigning for Joel and managed to sway just about everybody her way.  She is a dangerous player because she has a way of rallying the weak.  She has strength in weakness.  If she fought with the Mexicans, they would still own Texas.  If she was Canadian, they wouldn’t need the United States for protection, If she played for the Cleveland Browns, they would…they would still suck.  OK, she’s not perfect, but she was able to get six out of the eight people to vote for Joel.  If she had a few more hours, she would have had Joel vote for himself.  Another strong player bites the dust.  If this trend continues, Chet will become the Sole Survivor and third gay guy to win.

Episode #6  Is That an Idol in Your Pocket?

I won’t argue that Chet is a die hard fan of Survivor, but he was a wasted slot that could have been filled with another fan such as myself.  He was in over his head and was qualified for Survivor as much as Hilary and Barack are qualified to be the crossing guards at a school for delinquents.  I just remembered something I heard on the news.  Hilary is losing in the number of delegates, the number of states won, and the overall popular vote, yet she is offering Barack the opportunity to be her Vice President.  Only a Clinton could lose in something…anything and still offer the winner second place.  That would be like Dr. Evil bouncing the globe off Number 2’s head and then Number 2 offering Dr. Evil to be Number 2.

Several traits are listed in the Survivor application that should have been hints to Chet to stay as far away from Survivor as Eliot Spitzer from $5,000 an hour prostitutes.  I don’t know what Spitzer was thinking.  You can get a Blue-Light Special hooker at K-Mart for $1,700 an hour.  The traits in the Survivor application are #1 STRONG-WILLED - I don’t know that he had any will at all.  He asked to leave the show more than once.  #2 OUTGOING - Maybe he was out of his element.  At a gay-rights parade, he would be the guy in the front with the big baton.  #3 ADVENTUROUS  I’m sure he’s tried to meet guys at unfamiliar truck stops.  #4 PHYSICALLY ADEPT – He couldn’t wrestle Courtney from Survivor China to the ground even if she started on her knees.  MENTALLY ADEPT – I can’t comment on this one because I don’t know what it means.  INTERESTING LIFESTYLE – Well there you have it.  Hollywood loves the homosexual.  They will never have Survivor without at least one gay person on it.  It’s as certain as Mexicans sneaking into our country.

The show started tonight with Erik talking about how surprising it is to learn that the Favorites trick and lie straight to your face.  Wow!  How can this be surprising to a fan of the show? He must be a fan by way of seeing a promo for the show five years ago.  If someone says that surviving on the island is a lot tougher than it looks, I can understand because they’ve never done it.  It’s just like giving birth.  It doesn’t look very difficult until you do it, but let’s not get crazy.  Watching my wife give birth twice only reminded me of playing an entire softball game through the pain of a tight hamstring.   If the lying surprises Erik, he’s an idiot.  Lying is as fundamental to Survivor as it is to a campaign promise.

For the Reward Challenge, everyone had to swim out to retrieve sticks, planks, and ropes.  They had ten minutes to use those items to create a blockade in the other team’s  ‘tunnel’ and then each team had ten minutes to have everyone rip apart and successfully navigate through  the ‘tunnel.’  The winners received the professional survival help of two native Micronesians.  Airai won and before the Micronesians got out of their boat, Parvati was asking if they were married.  I’m telling you, Parvati would fondle a fawn, caress a cow, or make-out with a monkey if she thought it would help her win this game.  In short, Parvati has an unparallel proclivity for penis.  All this alliteration is making me hungry.

Before they enjoyed their reward, some girl from the medical staff looked at Jonathan.  She said he had an infection that could worsen and be fatal if not operated on as soon as possible.  Isn’t it just like a woman to blow things out of proportion.  I’m sure he could have made it another couple of weeks if he could just suck it up a little.  What is it with women and the desire to control how much fun men have?  Sadly, Jonathan said his good byes to everyone.  Kathy said, “I need you!”  He needs her like a chubby kid needs Cheetos.  Parvati said goodbye in her own special way by having sex with him.

Chet and Jason were chosen to visit Exile Island.  Chet was a waste and just sat on the beach.  Jason looked for the idol and was psyched when he found the idol.  He admitted that he thought it looked somewhat simple, but figured it didn’t matter how it looked.  He was thrilled to have it.  Do you think at any point, he might reminisce about the time my man Yau-Man made a fake idol?  Jason must have been in the bathroom and missed all of Fiji.  That’s alright because his naivety only increases our enjoyment of the show.  I look forward to him playing a stick at council.  He will walk into tribal council and Jeff will say, “Is that an idol in your pants or a silly piece of carved wood because I know you’re not happy to see me?

In the Immunity Challenge, each tribe had to use two stepping poles to transfer two people from one platform to another platform.  Once completed, everyone had to climb another tower and have all seven people stand on the top of the tower, which was only designed to hold five people.  The Airai tribe had Eliza balance on one pole.  They worked together to lift the pole and carry her to the other platform.  When I say they worked together, I mean James carried her to the other platform.  Parvati couldn’t wait to get on top of the pole.  Despite Airai’s great idea, Malakal was determined to lose another challenge, so they continued using both poles to move slowly across the water.  When they saw James carrying Eliza and Parvati on the pole, I wonder if they regretted voting off Joel.

Back at camp, Chet said he couldn’t go any further and asked everyone to vote for him.  This screwed up Tracy’s plan.  She united with the Man-Hater / nanny / former Barista to vote for Ozzy.  The plan looked like it was getting some traction, so when they went to council, it looked like Ozzy might be the one.  Ozzy then started talking about how Chet was definitely the one to go home.  I started getting nervous because this was a classic overly-confident-eat-your-own-words scenario.  Ozzy ended up with no votes.  Chet had five and Erik had two.  For some reason, the producers didn’t show Erik’s name being read twice unless I fell asleep.  I wonder why they didn’t go back and forth like normal.  Oh well, the result is the same.  Skinny Chet can go have a veggie wrap.  March Madness starts next week, so I think Survivor will be delayed for a week, unless they do a goofy summary show.  We’ll see.

Episode #7  “A Couple Pair of Boobs”

Another Fan went down tonight like green beer on St. Patrick’s Day.  That was my Irish tribute and there ain’t no more.  Believe it or not, I’m Irish, but it doesn’t mean a whole lot to me.  I forgot to wear green, well not totally, but what goes with green?  If you’re not Shrek, you look like Kermit the Frog all day.  I’m sure a few generations ago, some great, great, great grandfather of mine was planting potatoes in Ireland and decided he’d had enough, so he came to America where he used his vast collection of skills and knowledge to become a potato farmer.  Is this enough to make me say “Erin Go Bragh” to everyone I see?  Whenever I hear that, I think that some guy is telling his daughter Erin to get her bra.  I really should be more interested in my nationality, if for no other reason than to counterbalance my Italian in-laws.  The Italians have the Tarantella; the Irish have the Step Dance.  The Italians have the Mafia; the Irish have the Fighting Mascot at Notre Dame.  The Italians have a wire; the Irish have a shillelagh.  The Italians have the “Evil Eye” and the Irish have the “Rotten Potato.”  I made up that one.  St. Patrick’s Day is like fishing.  They were designed for guys to have a reason to get out of the house and drink.

The show started with discussion whether Ozzy or Tracy would be the next to go, so I tried to remember these conversations to see if the editors always tip their hand.  Was it one of them?  Well, read on and find out for yourself.  The show also began with Kooky Kathy whining about the weather, missing her family, Big Oil, Halliburton, global warming, and what a slut Parvati is.  She said she was trying to send vibes to her daughter and she just couldn’t feel her family.  Coo coo, coo coo.  Jeff came and picked her up in a boat and before you knew it, there was one less nut on the island.  Ozzy said, “We’ve got good nuts now.”  He wasn’t talking about Kathy, instead, he was talking about the Jedi training of his young Padawan apprentice Erik slash Andy Gibb slash Leif Garrett.  For new readers, I write out slash to make sure you say them in your brain when you’re reading.  Ozzy has taken Erik under his wing, and he’s teaching him how to climb a tree to knock down coconuts.  To summarize, one nut is gone, five more were knocked out of the tree, and Parvati likes nuts.

For the Reward Challenge, four blindfolded people had to push a large Micronesian money stone through a jungle course.  Someone giving instructions guided them along a trail where they had to crush tiles and gather smaller money stones.  These stones were then used for a puzzle.  There was one slightly amusing point in this challenge.  Cirie told her tribe to go left.  They began to go left, and she started yelling, “The other left!” as if they were stupid.  Whoops Cirie.  You’re walking backwards, and the four blindfolded people that you are leading are walking forwards.  Who’s the stupid one Cirie?

Malakal won the challenge and the Herbal Essences Great Spa Escape reward.  I wasn’t very impressed with the spa.  The Spa was a bamboo roof with a large sign that read Great Escape Spa.  Due to the small building and large sign, I don’t think it followed Township Code.  Herbal Essence’s sponsorship of a bamboo roof in the middle of some island in Micronesia isn’t any more impressive that Charmin sponsoring the portable toilet by my softball field and calling it the “Charmin Shitter.”  In addition to the roof, there was a 55-gallon tank for a shower.  I wasn’t very impressed with the shower until Amanda and Ami took off their tops in it.  Ozzy was the lucky guy standing in between them. Cirie looked over and said, “There was a couple pair of boobs!”  She said the funniest part was watching Erik drool from the sidelines.  I’m not sure who felt the luckiest.  Erik watching this happen, Ozzy being in the middle, or Ami for whatever reasons she might have.  My personal opinion would be Ozzy because of an experience I once had.  One time I went on vacation with some friends.  After returning from the beach, I rinsed off in a shower under the beach house with one of my friends.  She didn’t take the top off her bikini, but it sure was erotic.

For winning the challenge, Malakal picked Jason for Exile Island.  They had to pick someone from their own tribe.  Nobody wanted to miss the reward, so Ozzy quickly asked Tracy to take one for the team.  This told me that her days were numbered.  They never showed any scenes with Jason and Tracy on Exile Island.  I wonder if Jason told her there was no point in looking because he had it.  He may have gone through the motions just to screw with her mind.

For the Immunity challenge, people had to run across a bridge over troubled water while pulling a rope, then hook it to large puzzle pieces and get dragged through the water, along with the puzzle pieces back to the beach.  The race started with Ozzy going against Eliza.  No contest right?  Eliza actually made it to the platform at the same time.  Instead of switching players, Ozzy ran the course four out of the five times and gave Malakal a comfortable lead.  Unfortunately for Malakal, Amanda and Left is Right and Right is Left Cirie were the puzzle builders.  They lost the lead and Airai won immunity.

That afternoon, Ami hatched an elaborate plan to get Ozzy.  Now remember, this is the same Ami that had six girls and guy and she couldn’t get rid of the guy that ended up winning the million.  I already mentioned this in week two for you slow ones out there.  Once again, her plot went into the Charmin Shitter and everyone voted for Tracy.  Let’s face it, Ozzy is their only chance to win or gather food.  Cirie is not going to let that be overlooked.  In addition, we don’t know if anyone besides Amanda is aware that he has the immunity idol.

Malakal has lost three immunity idols.  They’re still in it because Airai is dropping people faster than Bear Stearns.  I wonder how many people have any idea what I’m talking about in that analogy.  OK, I’ll explain it.  Bear Stearns is a company owned by some guy whose last name is Stearns.  They sell bears so the owner got the nickname Bear.  They are struggling in the market.  Instead of buying teddy bears for their kids, people are buying lottery tickets.  Anyway, Mr. Stearns had to fire many people.  If you weren’t aware of this, start reading the Pittsburgh Business Times.  It really keeps me knowledgeable.

Episode #8  Today’s MVP

What the heck is happening with the schedule?  Two weeks ago, if someone hadn’t emailed me and said the show was on Wednesday, I would have missed it.  Last week, I was going through my Survivor preparation routine of making hot chocolate, sharpening multiple pencils, fluffing the couch pillows, and going to the bathroom for a pre-show tinkle, when I realized two things:  One, basketball was about to start and two, I forgot to lift the toilet seat.  I think the show is back on schedule again until CBS decides to air the Betty Ford Bar Crawl National Championship.

There was another budget cutback for tonight’s show, so they combined the reward and immunity challenge.  Two people from each tribe had to navigate an elevated obstacle course over a water pit while two people from the opposite tribe swung bags of sand at them.  In case the obvious eludes you, the bags of sand were not good will offerings.  They were designed to knock people off the obstacle course and into the water, much like a shot of Jose Cuervo is designed to knock you off the barstool and on your ass.  The winners got immunity along with beer and pizza.  The twist for this challenge came earlier in the day with the tree mail.  Each tribe had to pick someone from the other tribe to go to Exile Island; however, the person chosen from each tribe would have automatic immunity that night if they were to go to Tribal Council.  Airai picked Ozzy, which makes sense and Malakal picked Alexis, which makes no sense.  Malakal said they picked Alexis because they thought balance would be important in the challenge and she had good balance.  Does anyone really wonder why Malakal keeps losing?  This over-thinking would be like the coach for the Penguins not having Sidney Crosby participate in the shootout because the other team’s goalie would have expected and prepared for him.  Speaking of the Pens, last Friday I bought two raffle tickets for $10.00 and won an autographed Mario Lemieux jersey.  Sweater if you want to get technical.  I guess I can’t say I have no luck anymore.  Maybe it’s time to hit another casino.

At Exile Island, Ozzy pretended as if he didn’t have the idol and led Alexis to the idol’s original location to see if someone else found the fake idol.  He was trying to get Alexis to lift the rock, but she didn’t catch on to his lead, so he just lifted the rock himself.  I believe her cuteness may outweigh her intellect.  That’s alright, I won’t hold it against her.  Ozzy was pretty excited to see that someone had taken the fake idol.  The preview for next week had Eliza trying to explain to Jason that his idol was a fake.  I laughed aloud at the conversation.  During tonight’s show, Jason said, “Luckily, I hold the hidden immunity idol.”  It should be hilarious to see what happens next week if the Bar Crawl isn’t shown.  Parvati said that Jason is a loser, but I think he is better classified as a schmuck.  I know I’m only basing this on his naïve belief about the fake idol, but I think that might be enough.

After Airai won the double challenge, Jason said, “I’m the MVP today.”  This kind of delusional thinking reminds me of me because I think I’m the MVP at every sport I play and everything I do.  I even claimed MVP honors last week at church after collecting the offering because my plate had the most cash.  I like to start at the front of the church with a flip of the plate before the first person in the first pew.  They usually give a little extra tip for the show.  Don’t worry, I pass 10% of the tips onto God.  After all, he is the One that gave me the ability to flip things in the air.

Back at camp, the pizza, breadsticks, and beer were delivered.  Dominoes 30-minute guaranty was out of the question, so they had to settle for Digiorno, but just like the commercial, they didn’t even suspect it wasn’t delivery.  James was opening the beer bottles with his teeth.  I knew a guy in college that could open a bottle by squeezing his ass cheeks around the cap and twisting.  It was pretty convenient if you didn’t have a bottle opener until you realized that you weren’t going to drink out of that bottle.  He ended up drinking a lot of beer and today he drinks beer in competitive bar crawls.

Things didn’t look too good for Erik.  In order to save himself from elimination, Erik spilled the beans about Ami from the first day they were all together.  The Producers wanted us to wonder if it would it be Erik or Ami?  Well, Ami has nicer breasts, but Erik has nicer hair, so who knows.  I would say there were ten things that made me realize Ami would be the one to go home.  #10 Amanda said, “We want to fight with you.”  #9 The girls did a three-way hug.  #8-#7 Ami told Erik that she owed him a thank you, and that she finally felt like she was part of the tribe after she caught him talking to Cirie and Amanda.  #6-#5 At council, Amanda said, “I want to believe what she’s saying” and Ozzy said, “I really want to trust Ami.”  #4 She’s a lesbian.  #3 Ozzy said, “As soon as someone makes a move against me, they’re gone.”  And the #2 reason why I knew Ami wouldn’t be around after tonight, Ozzy said, “Ami is a lying little slut.”  Wow Ozzy, don’t hold back!  I know I don’t have a number one, but I ran out of ideas, and I didn’t feel like changing the numbers.

While Ami pleaded for her life at council, she decided to play the “Cry” card.  She said, “I would have given you all of my heart.”  After thinking that she was singing The First Cut is the Deepest, I realized that she’s a nanny.  The only thing she has to give is someone else’s kids.  At least she can add Town Crier to her resume of nanny and Barista.  If her tears were sincere, I do feel a little bad.  A very little.  The only people I like to see cry are the fans of teams who oppose the Steelers, Penguins, or Pirates.  I look forward to Hilary crying when she realizes that she will not become the next President of the United States.  I’m getting excited just thinking about it!

Episode #9  “Then that’s a bummer.”

Tonight’s episode was the single most anticipated show for me since Luke and Laura got married on General Hospital.  I can say with absolute certainty that the show delivered.  I’m talking about Luke and Laura of course.  It was a beautiful wedding with nice flowers and music.  I can still remember how it brought a tear to my eye, not so much the beauty of a wedding, but the disappointment in such a beautiful girl marrying a goofy-looking, curly-haired schmuck.  Tonight’s episode of Survivor didn’t disappoint either.  Again, I had a tear in my eye, but it was from laughing at the conversation between Jason and Eliza regarding the hidden immunity idol.

I need to back up a little.  The show started with a merge.  Not Luke and Laura, I’m back to Survivor.  Everyone was looking forward to the merge feast, however they may have been a little disappointed to see a bowl of cooked bats.  I didn’t notice what else was available, but I think the bowl of bats is another example of budgetary cuts in the show.  It’s not like the bats were a part of a food challenge.  However, James bit into that bat like it was his last meal.

After the two tribes merged, Jason needed to find a hiding place for his stick.  Can you imagine the difficulty in hiding a stick in a jungle?  That would be like hiding a criminal in prison, or a midget in an Ewok village, or a liberal in Hollywood, or someone with gas at a cabbage convention, or a Pakistani guy at a Taxi driver training course.  If you’ve missed my point, It should not be difficult to hide the stick, yet Jason took a camera man with him to secretly hide his stick.

Meanwhile Parvati told Amanda that she formed an alliance with Alexis and Natalie and by the way, she was in it too.  Amanda said she was angry about the move, but she won’t do anything about it because she doesn’t have the balls.  Instead she sets her eyes on Alexis for elimination.  Is Alexis outwitting or outplaying everyone?  NO!  Amanda wants to eliminate Alexis because she took over Amanda’s love position with Ozzy.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.  Don’t be surprised if we see a clip or two every week of Amanda going after Sweet Alexis.  Along the same line of thinking, what is Alexis trying to do?  She’s either a genius or an absolute idiot.  As much as I like her, she might be an idiot.  The target on Ozzy is too big.  When he is gone, Alexis will have to move onto any or all of Parvati’s lovers, and she is one nasty wench you don’t want to get angry.  She’ll screw you to death or eat you after getting pregnant like a Black Widow.

Jason told Eliza that he would give her the idol if he won the individual immunity.  Eliza was psyched.  She said, “Jason having the hidden immunity idol means it’s a good alliance for me to have.”  Eliza’s day was much brighter and she could hear birds singing.  Oh no!  That’s the sound of vultures.

For the immunity challenge, each person was under a wire grate.  They had to stay there as long as they could as the tide came in and eventually forced them out from underneath the grate.  Amanda was the first to go followed by Parvati, Alexis, Cirie, Natalie, Eliza, Erik, James, and Ozzy.  Eliza must have hyperventilated when she saw Jason win because you know that she would hound him until he delivered on his promise.

Sure enough, back at camp, Eliza wanted Jason to get her immunity idol.  He got it and put it in her bag.  When she opened it up, she knew something was wrong.  She went down to the beach and had one of the funniest conversations in Survivor history.  I had to write it all down because it’s an ESPN instant classic.  I had to keep rewinding to get the entire conversation, yet every time I listened to the conversation I laughed more and more.  I’m making Jason’s words bigger because he is a bigger jackass.  It went like this:  What are you trying to pull?  I’m going home anyhow.  What?  It’s not the idol.  It is the idol.  It’s not the idol!  Yes it is!  Ozzy must have put it in there.  He must have the real thing.  That’s not the idol.  What is it?  It’s a f----ing stick!  I know.  It has a face on it.  Don’t worry.  Ozzy put it in there and made a face on it.  No he didn’t.  It’s not the idol.  Why do you say that?  Because that can’t be the idol.  Why not?  Because it’s just a stick.  I know.  You think so?  I think that’s not the idol.  Then that’s a bummer.  Should I try and play it?  Yeah, of course.  Who’s on first.  What’s on second.  I Don’t Know’s on third.  I’m still laughing as I type the conversation.  Jason’s immortal words are now, “That’s a bummer.”  He will use those same words when his fiancé stands him up at his wedding.

At council, Eliza took some heat from Parvati for playing both sides and suggested that next time Eliza should try making out with everyone.  Before Jeff read the votes, Eliza played the stick and Ozzy couldn’t hold back his smile.  Jeff said it was not the idol and counted the votes.  Ozzy had two, but Eliza had the other eight.  She must be even more annoying that she appears on TV because she seems like the person you want to be facing at the very end.  She even pleaded that point, obviously to no avail.  Eliza is now the first one on the jury.  If Parvati sleeps her way to the end, it’s safe to say she won’t be getting Eliza’s vote.

Episode #10  The Ousting of Ozzy

Wow!  It’s only five nights after Ozzy got bamboozled, and I’m finally writing about it.  Sorry, but I took my wife and kiddies to Disney World.  We had a great time, but I have the need to describe two dumb families we encountered while on vacation.  Dumb family number one was sitting in front of a sign that said not to feed the ducks.  This didn’t stop them.  When the ducks waddled over to our table, their kids followed the ducks and fed them so that the ducks were happy to be under our table.  Then the dumb family left their trays and scrap food on their table for a dozen birds to swoop down and eat.  Rather than experience the Disney version of Hitchcock’s, “The Birds,” I went over and cleaned their table.  In the one in a billion chance that they are reading this, clean up your own damn messes!  I should have said something to them.  Well at least I type tough.

Dumb family number two was complaining about the tip on their dinner check.  The policy of Disney is that parties of six or more automatically get 18% gratuity added to the bill.  For the people in Kentucky that means for every dollar you would add 18 cents to tip the server.  The three-toothed mother said she didn’t think it was right  to automatically add the tip.  The tip policy is posted at the front door, on the menu, on every receipt, and even tattooed on a few servers.  She argued that they had split the two checks.  Yes, they split the checks for the two families, but there were still one party of six or more.  Now this is where they start getting really dumb.  The even dumber daughter said, “They double charged us.  18% on their check and 18% on ours.”  I’m not going to explain this any farther because if I have to explain the humor in their stupidity, you might need to brush up on your math a little.

In the reward challenge, Jason, Ozzy, Erik, and Amanda won a trip to Yap.  It sound like a Dr. Seuss story: “The Chap in Yap.”  They ate a bunch, and Erik got drunk on beer and betel nuts and puked.  The women of Yap have no bras, so Erik said, “That’s the most boobs I’ve seen my whole life.”

For the Immunity challenge, everyone’s arm was tethered to a rope and bucket suspended above them.  As soon as their arm came down, the bucket would spill onto them.  Erik and Cirie exited together early so they could share some candy.  My girl Alexis screwed up by bringing her hand down for the next bribe before Jeff officially announced it, so she wasn’t allowed to have any.  Amanda and James dropped their hands from a lack of concentration.  After six hours, it was only Parvati and Jason.  Jeff brought a larger food bribe.  The person who drops out would have to share with the other people.  Jason said that he would drop out if he had a guaranty that he won’t be voted out at council.  I thought he was talking about a guaranty from Jeff.  Nope!  Each person starts to give Jason their guaranty, but they were crossing their fingers.  I’m not sure, which is more ridiculous; Jason believing these people and their promises or people crossing their fingers so that they may tell a lie.  They’ve been lying the entire show, why all of a sudden do they need to cross their fingers to undo a lie?

Ozzy said that the guaranty was the, “dumbest, most naïve moves in Survivor history.”  I have to agree, but Ozzy also said that Jason just got outwitted.  It’s too bad for Ozzy that he didn’t play the idol.  When James was writing Jason’s name on the card, he said, “I thought I was the dumbest Survivor ever.”  I think arrogant is a better word.  Ozzy just passed James up in the arrogance department.  He knew from Yau-Man about making a fake idol.  He should have learned from James about what happens when you have an immunity idol and you don’t play it.

Sorry about the short review.  I woke up this morning at 4:30 to catch the shuttle to the airport, and it is already midnight.  I’ll have the next summary this Friday morning.

Episode #11  Never Trust a Woman

Tonight’s show was great for the first 58 minutes and a total let down the last two.  The show started with Parvati on damage control for backstabbing Ozzy and going behind everyone else’s back to do it.  To smooth things over with everyone, she agreed to have sex with anyone that felt hurt or betrayed.  Almost everyone in Dabu got in line for the sex-fest including the cameraman and the fake immunity idol.  Parvati commented later that she enjoyed the fake idol more than Erik.

The Survivor Auction is something that I don’t normally enjoy, but tonight’s auction was funny.  They each got $500, but they weren’t allowed to share money or the food.  The first item was covered and Cirie bid $120 for it but only gave Jeff $100, which he happened to catch.  Cirie acted as if she was just playing around, but I think she never counted that much money and became confused.  Her food was a hot dog and fries.  The second covered item went to Erik for $80.  Jeff offered Erik to trade it for another covered item.  He did, and it was a good move.  The first dish was octopus.  He traded to get a full plate of nachos and various stuff that goes with nachos.  On a trading side note, let’s pretend you were on Let’s Make a Deal and you chose Door 1.  Door number 2 was removed leaving Door 3.  If the host offers you to trade Door 1 for Door 3, do you make the trade?  Absolutely!  There is a 67% chance that the prize is behind Door 3.  This is statistically accurate.  If anyone doubts me, I will explain it next week.

The next covered item went for $40 to Natalie.  It was fruit bat soup.  She didn’t even take it, so James got it for free.  Amanda bought a PB&J sandwich for $280.  The next item was covered.  Natalie bought it for an amount I forget, and opened it to see a note in a jar.  The note said that she was to pick someone to go immediately to Exile Island, and she would take his or her money.  She asked if there was a new idol.  Jeff said yes, so she sent Jason.  The next item was covered.  Natalie bought it for $380.  It was a large chocolate cake that she could pick three people to share it, but they could only gorge for 60 seconds.  Natalie picked three other chicks.  Erik offered $40 to lick the fingers of the girls when they were done.  On the surface, the offer appears to be an offer made out of hunger, but in reality, Erik saw all those boobies on last episode and he’s feeling frisky.  Cirie agreed and the young horndog went to town on her fingers and palms.  Cirie wrote later in her Survivor Memoirs that it was the most erotic experience of her life.  The cake was the last food item.

Natalie had not been interviewed for the first ten episodes, so it caught my attention the first time she was interviewed tonight.  I didn’t notice this because of her breast augmentation but because she is my person in our poll.  As far as the reason why I picked Natalie:  her boobs.  It has been great that nobody ever interviews her because that means her 15 minutes of fame aren’t up yet, and she’ll be sticking around long enough to win me some money.   I should probably pay my money soon.  The second time she was interviewed, I thought it was strange going from a nobody to a headliner.  The third time I thought, “Oh wow, she’s going home.”

Natalie told everybody that she only picked Jason because nobody else looked like they wanted to go.  The wheels started turning in the devious, plotting, scheming minds of the women.  In their cold conniving cavernous craniums, they calculated a Machiavellian plan to have Jason lose the challenge as a return favor for Natalie gift-wrapping the idol for him.  Furthermore, everyone would split their votes between Jason and James.  Either way, one of them goes home, and best-case scenario, the idol is played as a bonus.  By the end of the show, they interviewed Natalie six or seven times, and each time she became a little more annoying.  She was proud that she was having fun and her true personality was coming out, and oh, by the way, she is a cunning bitch.

At the Immunity challenge, Natalie quickly told Jason that they were voting for James and don’t ask any questions.  He said, “I knew you sent me there for a reason.”  Unfortunately, for Jason, naivety is his specialty.  Hmmm, he fell for a fake idol, and his most foolish mistake: trusting a woman.  There is no woman you can trust in this world.  Women spend every moment of their lives plotting and scheming to get what they want.  They don’t believe that they should work for what they want.  They spend all their time figuring out how they can manipulate people to get what they want.  You may think I’m full of crap, but I can prove it by having you answer several simple questions.  You don’t have to answer out loud.  Would a woman spend her entire life planning for one day?  Yes, her wedding.  If women spend their entire lives planning what amounts to be a big party, is it inconceivable to think they might be devising plans for other more substantial items?  Is there a woman alive who plans to marry a poor guy?  Women will do everything they possibly can to snatch the guy with the most money.  Don’t forget on my website www.survivorsatire.com my first law is, “You’ll never see a beautiful woman with a poor guy.”  It’s easy for the pretty girls to get the rich guys.  The rest of the women have to be more cunning.  Now some of you are thinking…you didn’t marry a rich guy.  Maybe you’re not that pretty.  Do you need more proof?  Are women more likely to go after a single guy or a guy with a girlfriend?  A woman would rather take someone else’s boyfriend than find her own.  I’m sure an almanac would have statistics to back this up for me.  Don’t forget that my argument is both Biblical and found in nature.  Eve tempted Adam because she couldn’t be happy just hanging out with her man.  She wanted more, more, more!  In nature, the black widow eats her guy after she mates with him.  I’m sure everyone noticed all the scene transitions of snakes and black widows.  One of the girls said, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”  If you happened to hear this, did you remember that I quoted this in week nine?

For the first 58 minutes of the show, I thought things were building up to have the chick’s great plan to blindside Jason get thwarted by a more brilliant plan by the guys to get rid of Natalie or the sex machine.  Amanda had told James what the chicks were planning.  He thought that Jason would have to be a fool not to play the idol.  He could have gone to Jason and told him the plan.  With very little effort, James would have Jason, Erik, and possibly Amanda’s vote.  He wouldn’t even need Amanda’s because the girls were splitting their votes between James and Jason.  James said at council that he isn’t one for politicking.  Now that’s the strategy of a winner!  He is now the biggest target.  If he had tried to work the other guys, he could have gotten rid of a girl, kept Jason, and kept the focus on Jason as the big threat at challenges.  I just don’t understand his thinking.  Maybe he is the dumbest Survivor ever.

In the last two minutes, Jason was voted off the island and is just seemed disappointing.  Mostly, I was disappointed in James for not moving on a golden opportunity.  In addition, it was one of the few times that the show ended with what they showed was going to happen.  I guess I like the guessing.  One last thing for Jason.  I just want to type his name a few times.  Jason, Jason, Jason!  The same exact thing just happened to Ozzy.  Even if you don’t know women can’t be trusted, you saw what happened at the last council.  That’s like a cow being slaughtered and the next cow in line thinking, “Hmm, maybe the butcher will like me more.”  They are going to have a new idol next week.  They probably won’t find it, but if they do, I’ll bet the cost of Natalie’s boob job that the idol will be played that night.  In fact, they’ll try playing it in the middle of the afternoon just to be safe.

One final noat.  I don’t always pruefreed mi sumary because I’m tue tierd, so theer mite be typoes galure.  But, I don’t mispel anything.  Im a littal anal about speling becozze I was paranoyd about sending notes home to parints with incorect speling.  If I don’t knoe, the spelchecker gets it, or I look it up in the diktionary.  A fue peeple have kwestioned my speling of guaranty.  I guaranty that guaranty is spelled correctly.  As the guarantor of this guaranty, I have no problem guarantying its proper spelling.  Believe me, I’m not one to throw out many guarantees, after all, what in life can you really guaranty?  You might not make it through the night.  Having guaranteed the spelling of guaranty, I can understand why some might be confused.  Guarantee is another acceptable spelling.  I’ll guarantee that the next time you see guaranty or guarantee, you will think of this silly paragraph.  Crap, I just guaranteed something else.  OK, no more guaranteeing.  Especially for the Penguins because any guaranty will cause them to lose.  Look for me tomorrow at the game.  I’ll be  holding the banner that reads, “Pengwins Rool!”

Episode #12  The Art of the Blind Side

It really stinks when one of the strongest players goes down to injury.  Everyone stands around wondering if they can do something to help.  Some try to help by offering advice they got from their grandmother that didn’t work a half century ago when she was in her prime.  Some even begin to plot on how this might be an opportunity for themselves.  I’m talking of course about my softball game tonight.  I guess it also applies to the show with James getting a medical exit.  There’s something happening here.  What it is ain’t exactly clear.  The theme for the last few shows has been girl power or some other similar crap.  The medical team just happens to send a woman to examine James.  James is thinking that it’s a mere flesh wound.  Normally it is the call of the Survivor to decide if they want to leave, for example Jonathan decided earlier this series.  However, Dr. Carolyn Sein for some reason had complete authority over his ability to stay in the game or not.  The doctors had told Jonathan the risks, but it was still his choice, even though Jonathan needed stitches and his injury was a lot nastier.  Hmmm.  It makes you wonder.  I think Parvati offered sexual favors to the Doctor in order to force James off the show.  Then you have Cirie, who is thrilled with James needing medical attention and thrilled to see that Alexis banged up her knee.  What was Alexis doing walking around at night?  I know she wasn’t checking to see if there was any leftover ham in the fridge.  Cirie is a nurse.  Didn’t she have to say the Hypocritical Oath and shouldn’t that make her more concerned?  I mean concern for James and Alexis not for Cirie’s self-serving ways.

After my softball game tonight, I hurried home to watch Survivor and Penguin’s hockey game.  A few years ago, it would have been a tough decision.  Hockey?  Survivor?  Hockey?  Survivor?  Survivor?  Hockey?  With the DVR, I watched them both at the same time.  It’s like having your cake and eating it.  It’s like ice cream without the calories.  It’s like people having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection, while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment.

The reward challenge was the one where everyone answers questions and then has to decide which answers were the most common.  The winner would get to spend time with a loved one.  Alexis was playing for her brother Nate and Parvati was playing for Nate also.  Natalie was playing for Rocky.  That’s her mom’s name, so named because she could probably take Rocky one on one.  Natalie must have gotten her dad’s genes.  All the tears made me switch to the hockey game.  The Penguins were down 2-0, so now I had tears.  I flipped back to Survivor because misery loves company.

It only took five questions to determine the winner.  They were: #1 Who does the most for the tribe?  James  This was obvious to everyone except James.  He didn’t vote for himself.  It was not his destiny to win the million.  Maybe he’ll get a third try to win the million when they have Survivor Has-beens.  #2 Who never shuts up?  Parvati.  I was wondering if they could vote for Eliza, even though she’s gone.  #3 Who mistakenly thinks they are in control?  Parvati  #4 Who is the most honest?  Alexis  #5 Who is the most likely to be at your place for family dinner?  James  I can’t believe they won’t have a big black guy over for dinner.  They must be racists.  He’s a nice guy.  If he causes any problems, just yank the I-V drip out of his arm.  Here are some additional questions that I thought would be fun:  #6 Who’s the biggest slut?  Parvati  #7 Who’s the next most likely person to screw up the immunity idol?  Erik  #8 Who hasn’t lost any weight?  Cirie  #9 Who’s job is a joke?  Mr. Ice-cream Scooper himself, Erik.  And my final question #10 Who is the least likely person to hook up with the remaining girls?  Cameraman #2  Not even Parvati would touch that ogre.

Alexis won the reward.  She picked two others to take their loved ones to swim with the Jellyfish in Jellyfish Lake.  That sounds like a Dora the Explorer adventure.  Alexis picked Cirie and Natalie to go with her.  Rocky was thinking, No, no, no, please no!  You don’t want me in a bathing suit.  When they were swimming, Rocky didn’t have a personal flotation device.  That’s a life preserver for anyone who hasn’t been out in a boat for 20 years.  Either Rocky figured she didn’t need one, or they didn’t have one in her size.

Alexis also chose someone to go to Exile Island.  Amanda wanted to go, so she picked her.  On Exile Island, Amanda got through the clues, which included digging the Panamanda Canal.  For the length and depth, she must have spent seven or eight hours.  The final clue said that the idol was back at camp buried under the flag.

At the Immunity Challenge, they took turns firing a rifle at three of their own targets.  One guy, five girls and shooting a gun.  If Erik didn’t win this challenge, he would have been shot like Old Yeller.  Some of the aiming was so bad it looked like the girls didn’t know to look through the sight.  They may have come closer if they just shot the rifle from the hip.  Erik easily won immunity, but more importantly, he saved himself from a lifetime of embarrassment.

At camp, Amanda told everyone she didn’t have the idol.  Privately, she told Parvati that she knew where it was.  Parvati covered for her and Amanda started digging under the flag.  It was agreed upon that everyone would vote for Amanda, which they  even told her.  They didn’t show Amanda finding the idol, but it seemed obvious that she did.  After all, it was under the flag, and she needed it to stay alive.  I would have dug until I hit magma.  Amanda seemed to be overplaying the sadness card at tribal council of being the next to go, but I guess it wasn’t obvious to the others because they all voted for her.  Parvati had agreed that she couldn’t vote for Amanda.  As soon as Amanda played the idol, Alexis and Natalie’s temperature went up ten degrees.  Amanda and Parvati both voted for Alexis despite Amanda wanting to vote for Natalie.  In earlier shows, Amanda wanted to vote for Alexis, but now Natalie.  Can anyone guess why?  She wanted Alexis to be as far away from Ozzy as possible.  Now that he’s on the jury, she didn’t want them hanging out all day together.  A woman’s jealousy will always guide her decision-making.  It was a better decision anyway.  Alexis was cute, honest, and most importantly, she had not pissed off anyone yet.  In the finals, she would have won it all.

So another one bites the dust by way of the blindside.  Jeff said, “You guys are perfecting the art of the blindside.”  Sun Tzu says in The Art of War, “He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take the enemy unprepared.”  Congrats to Amanda for having the idol and knowing how to use it.  Unlike her fellow arrogant male competitors, they wasted four idols.

I have secretly imbedded two movie quotes and two song quotes into this week’s summary.  If you can locate them, name them, and email me with that information, you will get special recognition at the end of season banquet.  The banquet is subject to the fact that it just won’t happen.  At least you’ll give me something to read when I get bored at work.  Come on, throw me a bone.  By the way, from earlier in the summary, it’s called The Hippocratic Oath.  For the most part, I really can spell.  Have a great weekend and Let’s go Pens!  Let’s go Pens!  For you Pittsburghers, I’ll be in Section B-1 for Sunday’s game.  If you like my summaries, come and say hi, if not, I have a permit to carry a concealed weapon.

#13  The Fusion of Stupidity and Brilliance

It was interesting to read the emails this week from everyone trying to name the movie and song quotes I embedded in last week’s summary.  People were naming songs and quotes that I didn’t even realize were in the summary.  There is a lot of everyday language could be remembered from any movie.  For example, “Parvati, take that dildo out of your mouth and eat your breakfast!” is every day language that could be a classic movie quote.  As far as the quotes I intended, they include:  “There’s something happening here.  What it is ain’t exactly clear.”  That is Buffalo Springfield singing For What it’s Worth.  In Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, he said, “It’s like people having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection, while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment.”  Queen sang, “Another one Bites the Dust.”  From Monty Python and the Holy Grail, “it’s a mere flesh wound.”  This was probably in as many movies as guy’s bedrooms Parvati has been.  Several people had three out of the four, but I forget their names, so if you were one of those people, give yourself a high five.  Thanks for playing.  Please take your seat now.

Tonight’s show was about the stupidity of one and the brilliance of another.  Erik was stupid and Cirie was brilliant.  Let me start with the Reward Challenge.  Erik promised Natalie upon winning the challenge; he would either take her or send her to Exile to look for the next idol.  At the challenge, he won by answering the most questions correctly about Survivor history.  He decided to take Amanda and send Parvati to Exile.  Oh yeah, he made the same deal with Amanda.  Although, I wouldn’t call it a deal as much as manipulation by proxy.  Amanda may have made the deal with Erik, but it was Cirie who convinced Amanda to use her female charm to get Erik to take Amanda and send Parvati to Exile.  This is one of the many times that Cirie has brilliantly used a proxy to do her dirty work.  She’s like a Mafia boss ordering a hit through a soldier.

As the show continued, Natalie walked right up behind Erik and Cirie and caught them talking about getting rid of her.  I don’t know how you can not keep track of the other players and their locations, especially when they have cameramen following behind them.  It’s like playing Stratego.  Once the Marshall or any other high-ranking piece is revealed, you bet your ass you know where it is at all times.  To relate this to teaching, when you take the class out on the playground, you always keep track of the kid most likely to pull out his peewee and yell, “I gotta go!”  This is a good location for a side-note.  Cirie asked if they wanted her to make a fire.  Parvati asked, “Can you do it in the dark?”  Hell yeah!  She would know better than anyone.  That’s like the Pope being at your house for Thanksgiving dinner and asking if he can say the blessing.  Hell yeah father.  That’s why we invited you.

On the reward, Erik and Amanda were flown by helicopter around the Rock Islands, went to a spa, and ate dinner.  After returning, Erik was busted for making the same deals with every girl.  In short, he was telling them what they wanted to hear.  I don’t fault him for doing this because that’s the only way you can get a woman to shut up.  However, he should have been a little more discreet.

At Exile Island, Parvati said the place was a gorgeous paradise.  She would be able to chill, tan, and maybe look for the immunity idol.  She said, “It doesn’t really matter if I find the idol or not.”  I know this is the episode that crowns a new Champion of Stupidity, but I can’t get over the foolishness of Parvati.  If Erik wins immunity, she would be on the chopping block.  Why would you not look for the idol?  She could play it, trade it, or at the very least, use it as a sex toy.

Amanda said, “The problem with Erik’s strategy is there are five people left and four of them are women.”  Erik went on to win the Immunity challenge by tying off ropes from coordinates, digging up puzzle pieces, and assembling the puzzles.  I thought, “The problem with the girls’ strategy is they are playing against a guy who will beat the girls in every challenge from a Leif Garrett look-alike contest to Pin the Tail on the Donkey.”

The girls were faced with voting out one of them.  Not so quick.  Cirie wonders aloud if they could get Erik to give up his immunity necklace.  Cirie tells Natalie to convince Erik that if he gives Natalie the necklace, Cirie will vote for Amanda, Erik will gain favor with the jury, and he will redeem himself for lying to everyone.  Natalie thought it was so dumb; she didn’t even want to think about it.  After some coaxing, she agreed to be another proxy for Cirie’s bidding.  Enter the idiot.  His first response was not even to consider the idea.  After some time, he began to nibble on the bait.  Cirie went one step further in planning the way they should handle tribal council.  Parvati and Amanda would come down hard on him, while Cirie would supply the way out of his predicament. 

The plan was brilliant, and they had the perfect target.  The whole time I was thinking along with everyone across the world, “NO WAY!”  There is no way he would ever let that necklace go.  With the same regularity as seeing Haley’s Comet with the naked eye, the fusion of brilliance and stupidity can also be seen with the naked eye.  Tonight, we saw it with our own eyes.  Leif Garrett took off his necklace and gave it to Natalie.  Oh my, oh my, oh my!  It has been a few hours, and I still can’t believe it.  From the jury, James declared, “I’ve lost my reign as dumbest Survivor ever!”

We knew Erik was voted out before Jeff read the votes.  It was the first time that each person’s thoughts were shared when they were writing someone’s name on the paper.  Natalie said, “I don’t even know what to say, but thank you.”  Amanda said, “You know…”  I think she was speechless.  Cirie said her Mom always said you may not always beat them with your muscles, but you can always beat them with your brains.  Parvati said, “You’re crazy!  You’ll officially go down as the dumbest Survivor ever, in the history of Survivor, ever!  Call me.”

In Erik’s going away speech, he said, “It’s one thing to survive the elements and another to survive four crazy sexy women.”  If it wasn’t obvious that his second brain was being manipulated by the ladies, he just admitted to it.  Jeff said it was a life lesson.  I think it’s a lesson to anyone who ever goes on the show.  Trust nobody!  In relative terms, you can trust a woman 90% less than you can trust everyone else including: 1.) Politicians who promise not to raise taxes, 2.)  A skinny chef  3.) Divorced people who give marital advice, 4.) The Pittsburgh Pirates management when they say things are going to change around here, and finally 5.) Anyone who says, “Let me be honest with you.”  See my Top Ten lists for more detail on that one.

The Finale is Sunday, but I will not be able to watch it because I’ll be at the Arena cheering on the Penguins.  Some of you might be thinking, “Why would you choose hockey over the Survivor Finale?”  I’m not.  I’m choosing hockey over Mother’s Day.  I will probably watch the show Monday night and have the summary for Tuesday morning.

Episode #14  The Indestructible Force

It was an easy decision to miss Survivor last night for the Penguin game, although I spent all day wondering who won Survivor.  As far as the hockey game, oh yeah, the Pens won again.  Let’s see, that makes it 10-1 in the playoffs…not too shabby!  I was miserable in the first period because a 400-pound man was sitting next to me.  He was loud, drunk, and smelled.  The only thing that could have been worse was if he was a Flyers fan.  Wouldn’t you know it, he brought two clients from Philthydelphia with him to the game.  In the second period, I thought I had a reprieve when he took the aisle seat and he began to ooze into the aisle.  Then, I sitting next to a drunk Flyer fan trying to buy cotton candy for the 14-year old girl in front of me.  I don’t know about the Eastern side of the state, but over here, that’s a little creepy, especially when he asked her parents if it was alright.  He wouldn’t stop talking stupid.  The Flyers only scored two goals, and he missed both of them.  There were only seven Flyer fans in the Arena, and I had the two drunkest ones right beside me.  I don’t know what was worse, the Flyer fans or the Fat-Ass.  I’m just glad the Pens won, and I didn’t have to listen to these idiots gloat.  The only good things about Philthydelphia are the roads that lead to Atlantic City.

What was there not to love with this season?  Two medical exits, one quitter, one loser, seven blind-sides, two immunities not played, one idol played, one fake idol played, the dumbest move ever, five women actually working together, two of the most naïve people to ever walk the earth.  If you have fallen away from the faith, you missed a great season.  Next season in Gabon might be a let down unless someone is eaten by a crocodile, mauled by a hippo, or have their skull crushed by a leopard and their corpse pulled up a tree.  Let’s hope for the best.

In last night’s first immunity challenge, each person had to stand on a tower, pull buckets of water up to them, fill a bamboo shoot, bringing up a key, use the key to open a chest, assemble ladder rungs, climb the ladder, and raise a flag.  Natalie needed this win as much as Roger Clemens needs a lawyer.  She had the lead for a while, but blew it when she had to start thinking.  Amanda won and silenced her critics.  I don’t know if she has any critics or what they might be saying, but I remember the same phrase about Mario Lemieux when the Pens won the Stanley Cup in 1991.

At the tribal council, Natalie was given her walking papers, which was no surprise to anyone.  The only surprise may have been the ass-slap that Parvati gave her.  Is it possible that Parvati might go both ways?  I’ll get into that later.  I have to give props to Natalie.  It was the farthest that fake tits have ever made it in the show.  Congratulations to Natalie for the extended exposure and making tit-talk an acceptable form of water-cooler-conversation.

There was a lot of talk about girl power, blah, blah, blah!  It was probably the first time they’ve beaten a guy in anything which is why they were so excited.  They were feeling good about themselves.  It was like watching The View.  I was getting tired of them talking about weaving webs, setting traps, and stirring the pot.  There are plenty of pots to stir when they get back home.  In fact, there are piles of laundry getting high and the toilets need a good cleaning.  So get busy girls!

Cirie, Parvati, and Amanda thought they made to the finals and were looking for the buffet breakfast when they found out there would be one more Immunity Challenge.  There were already seven jury members.  Why would they have an eighth and create the possibility of a tie?  Well they did.  I bet Cirie was thinking that they need another immunity challenge like Texas needs another child-molesting cult.

The three remaining girls went on the Rite of Passage tour to collect everyone’s torch and reminisce about the unfortunate casualties of the game.  I’m going to list each person’s name with key words or phrases that the girls said about them, they said about themselves, and finally what I thought of them.  Johnny Fairplay – decent guy (Parvati said that of course) – Cerebral Assassin of Survivor - #1 Loser.  Mary – didn’t know Mary – Who am I? – Who was she?  Yau-Man – fierce competitor – No killer instinct – My Man, Yau-Man.  Mikey – Fierce competitor – Life changing experience – Didn’t know when to shut up.  Joel – Intense – failure – No comment, he’ll kick my ass.  Jonathan – smooth talker – once in a lifetime experience – big mouth.  Chet – Chickens have not been the same since he left. – I made it further than strong guys. – Ditto on the chicken thing.  Kathy – colorful character – I’d rather whip out eight kids in ten minutes than be on Survivor again. – nut job.  Tracy – underestimated – I’m not the same person – Me either, I’m gaining weight and losing hair.  Ami – We loved Ami. – Balance of vulnerability and strength – Huh?  Eliza – Arch rival – It’s a f----- stick!  Ozzy – most well-rounded player – I found Amanda – whipped.  Jason – beat Ozzy twice – I’m as good as Ozzy. – Yes, at being made a fool.  By the way, it’s a f----- stick!  James – straight shooter – I’m not a bully.  Richard Nixon, “I’m not a crook.”  Alexis – charmer – super-competitive tomboy and super-nice southern hospitality girl – equals one fine and dandy girl.  She can motivate me anytime.  Erik – Women’s wrath victim – It has opened my eyes to see how women are and how they operate.  You can ask any married man to learn that.  – Watching him give his immunity was more painful than Francisco Cabrera’s single to knock the Pirates out of the playoffs and Neil O’Donnell throwing two random interceptions to Larry Brown in Super Bowl XXX put together.  Well, not really, but in relative terms it was painful. Natalie – Last fan – I’m my biggest fan. – Well that makes one of you.

For the last Immunity Challenge, each person had to hold a wooden cylinder horizontally on its ends while balance a marble on the top of the cylinder.  I’d draw a picture, but I threw away all my sons crayons after he drew a swastika on the front door.  I’m just kidding, it was the garage door.  Actually it wasn’t even my kid it was the neighbor’s kid, but I didn’t throw away his crayons.  I broke them.  I didn’t actually break his crayons, I broke his fingers.  I mean her fingers.  I broke her fingers.

I was surprised when Parvati went out first.  After all, how often does she lose her grip on a long wooden cylinder?  Cirie had a moment of lost concentration, dropped her marble, and Amanda won the final immunity.  This gave her the choice of whom she could take to the finals.  This probably wasn’t the easiest choice to make, but she acted like she was choosing between going blind or bald.  After all the sad-eye looks, fake tears, and whining about what a tough choice it was, she picked Parvati.  I would have picked Cirie because Cirie was the mastermind behind most of the blindsides.  I would have figured that Parvati was physically involved with 2/3 of the jury so they more likely give her the money.  This isn’t difficult to believe.  She performed sexual favors and they will give her money.  It’s called prostitution.  It’s the second oldest profession behind being a pimp.

When it was time for the jury to speak, Eliza’s assessment of Parvati was right on.  I only wish I could remember what she said.  The other jurors didn’t make a lot of sense.  Jason said, “I have these misconceptions of you.”  Does that mean that any bad thoughts about Parvati were actually good thoughts?  The Retarded Question Queen was awarded to Natalie.  She asked, “You’re a flirt.  How does that resonate for you in the bedroom?”  She went on to ask, “How do you take that to the next level?  As far a strategy in the game, how does that translate your layers of being?”  What?!?!?  Parvati didn’t know what she was talking about, Jeff didn’t know what she was talking about, and neither did anybody on the jury.  In fact, they had to bring in an interpreter just to make sure she was speaking English.  It got a little sentimental after Ozzy blasted Parvati, then told Amanda that he was falling in love with her.

Back in New York, Jeff read the votes.  I was hoping the girl with the most make-up would win, but it was too difficult to tell.  After a 5-3 vote, Parvati was awarded Sole Survivor and winner of $600,000 after taxes.  Poor Amanda, always the bridesmaid.  What if there was a tie?  How did they finish on time with 14 shows even though three people left prematurely?  Just something to think about.

At one point during the jury questions, Parvati said that she flirted with guys and girls to get her way.  If you were a good-looking bisexual, you would be an indestructible force on the show.  If Parvati’s plan gets out, there will be a lot more bisexuals applying.  I would have voted for Amanda, but the fake tears, puppy dog eyes, and sad face just bothered me too much.  I wouldn’t be surprised if that turned somebody away from Amanda.  It was the same exact look as when she was pretending she didn’t have the idol, and she was so sad that they were voting her off the island.

This is the time where I ask for some help.  I have two new ideas for Top Ten Lists on my website www.survivorsatire.com  The first one is a secret.  The other is the Top 10 Hypocrisies of the Catholic Church.  So far, I have Bingo and the no meat on Friday thing.  They will need some expanding, but you get the idea.  If you have any other ideas, email me at tim@survivorsatire.com In an unrelated request, if you haven’t done so in the past, let me know where you live.  Just curious.  Have a great summer or winter for the readers in Australia.  For summertime viewing, check out The Mole.  Thanks to all of you that have emailed me this season.  I enjoy the correspondence.  Finally, say it with me:  Let’s go Pens!  Let’s go Pens!