Survivor Satire

Episode #1

I hope everyone watched Survivor last night.  I know there are people who think it’s getting old because the shows are all the same.  Probably these same people watched eight years of Three’s Company never realizing every episode contained some misunderstanding or miscommunication.  Or they never got bored with Roseanne as she delivered sarcastic statements perfectly set up by John Goodman, the only funny person on the show.  Anyway it was great.  These were the three best moments.  3.) Teams were picked near the beginning of the show and the two last people, Jonathan and Wanda, were sent home immediately.  I’ll get to Wanda later.  You can’t even pick teams in gym class anymore because of the self-esteem of the kids chosen last.  Can you imagine the chances of these two losers ever finding a rock they can crawl under to hide their shame?  I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t show up for work for a few weeks.  2.) At the beginning of the show when the entire group was paddling to the beach, Jonathan and Stephanie thought they would jump out and get a head start to the beach.  After all, the first two people to the beach would get immunity.  It was a great idea at first, but after ten seconds, the boat passed them by.  Stephenie had the nerve to ask if she could get back in the boat.  That reminds me of Tommy Boy when Tommy burns a client’s miniature car and then asks if he validates for parking.  Oh yes, great ideas gone bad.  We’ve all had them.  This week, I thought I had a great idea on how to take a short cut from 228 to Route 19.  I had about 15 minutes to get to the Doctor’s so this was the perfect time to try my brilliant plan.  I don’t know what happened, but before I knew it I was on the Pennsylvania Turnpike headed to Ohio.  To compound the problem, there weren’t any places I could illegally turn around, so it took me 15 minutes just to get to the next exit.  The Number One funny thing was when the Korer tribe won reward.  They won a box of flint and fire supplies.  Yes I know, that’s not funny…be patient.  The box was weighted down, when they started paddling away, their boat capsized, and the box sunk to the bottom of the ocean floor.   See…Isn’t that funny.  In addition to that humor, they couldn’t even find it.  The underwater camera guy did, but he’s a professional.  When are Survivors going to realize the number of things the camera crews reveal?  The camera people always find water, food, lost objects, and the hanky panky of horny yutes. 

            I think I got out of Education at the right time because Wanda in 30 seconds last night destroyed all credibility in the teaching profession.  All you teachers out there listen closely to these words:  Enjoy this contract because in the next contract you’re all getting a pay cut and will have to undergo psychiatric testing.  I did feel bad for Jonathan.  As they were riding off Wanda started into another song.  He bowed his head and thought, “How did I get into the same boat as this psycho?”  Both literally and figuratively. 

            The show does seem promising.  It has all the usual people like rednecks, gays, loudmouths, and soon-to-be-voted-off-body builders,  For a twist they have an overly tattooed girl, a guy who looks like Matt Damon and a small breasted Vegas Show girl…she must be out of work, or she better not work for tips. 

            Just one final thought:  In my life, my heroes were Jack Lambert, Harrison Ford, and Mario Lemieux.  It’s sad to think that Coby, the gay hair stylist’s hero in life is probably Richard Hatch.

 Episode #2

            Some people might think that Angie is a freak because of the two rings in her nose.  Others might think it’s because of all the tattoos, especially the butterfly on the boobies.  What freaks me out about her is the armpit hair.  I don’t know what it is with these kind of people.  They do everything they can in life to draw attention to themselves, probably because their mama didn’t hug them enough, but once they draw your attention, they repulse you with jungle pits.  Luckily for her she kicked ass on the balance challenge.  While her friends in high school were going to Vo-Tech or skipping gym class, she must have been one of the few girls that showed up with her official blue and white striped outfit.  Dressing up for gym class reminds me of having to wear a jock strap.  One time I was washing clothes and I put a red shirt in the same load as my jock.  It came out pink.  I don’t remember how long it took to get a new one, but I still have nightmares.

            Kim talks like she’s strung out on something.  She reminds me of Courtney Love without the ugliness.  She said she didn’t know that it could be a problem making a love alliance with Jeff the Body Builder, “Can we snuggle?”  “YES WE CAN!!”  That’s a reference to Bob the Builder for anyone without the privilege of watching those DVDs a couple hundred times with your two year old.  Anyway, he is the one that looks like Matt Damon in The Bourne Identity.

James A.K.A. “The Alabama Hick” was talking about group dynamics and said they were, “…psychologically and sociologically” things in the game.  I’d have to agree.  He’s absolutologically correct.  My dad does the same thing, he uses big words incorrectly.  Anyone who has met him would say I’m damnalologically right.

            For the balance challenge, there were a couple of people that stood out in a far from positive way.  Coby the Hair Stylist decided after falling that he was going to harness his lack of athletic ability and “get centered” as he put it.  This lasted all of one step before he plummeted into the water securing his “Wall of Flamer” status.  His problem was lack of motivation.  Put a giant dildo at the other end of the course and he’ll do the Bolero on the balance beam.  Under-achiever Katie couldn’t make it past the rope swing.  Each time she swung on the rope her feet would drag on the ground.  You would think after once or twice she would catch onto the lower-half-of-the-body-phenomenon.  Maybe her brain wasn’t powerful enough to work both halves of her body.  Her arms were getting the message to hold onto the rope, but the legs were just along for the ride.  Finally, one of the guys told her to lift her legs.  She then made it to the other side.  This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone because it’s not the first time a guy’s power of suggestion got a girl’s legs to move into a better position.

            I am once again baffled by the process in which athletically-challenged people get onto this show.  I don’t blame the producers.  They can’t possibly know how athletically inept these people are.  It’s the Survivors fault.  Don’t they realize that balance and coordination might come in handy on a show that is physically challenging?

 Episode #3

There’s a pattern that has developed on the show.  The Young Guns come out firing hard and win the reward challenge only to burn out and lose disastrously in the immunity challenge.  They need to be reminded of Aesop’s “The Tortoise and the Hare.” Another lesser-known story has two bulls standing on top of a hill, and the young bull says to his father, “Let’s run down into the valley and screw one of those cows.”  The father bull looks at his son and says, “Why don’t we walk down into the valley and screw all of them.”  I prefer the more colorful story.  Both challenges were interesting.  I loved Angie dunking Greg as if he was a little freckly neighbor kid that just pissed in your pool.  The immunity challenge was one of the best challenges I remember seeing.  It was a version of Speed Quarters, but with people running around in water carrying weights.  If you don’t know what Speed Quarters is, go to college and get properly educated in one of the finest drinking games ever developed.

I knew it wouldn’t take long for the body builder to be voted off the island.  However, I was wrong about the circumstances.  He claimed to have rolled his ankle on a coconut while walking in the dark.  Who in the world lifts their feet that high to roll it off a coconut, especially at night when you’d be walking slowly to be safe?  I think, he was masturbating in a tree while holding his coconuts and fell down.  Does that sound more realistic?  Since he couldn’t help the team, he wanted to be voted off, and he got his wish.  Lucky for Kim, she gets to stay a little longer.  Unlucky for Kim, she loses her snuggle buddy.  Unlucky for her tribe, they have to keep her.

I am convinced that Survivor can’t be good without a first-class redneck.  Don’t be surprise if you see this commercial in the near future: Overalls-$39.  Straw to gnaw on-free, James description of Jeff and Kim-Priceless.  It went something like this, “This week they’re cuddlin.  Next week they gonna be makin out and stuff.  You know, suckin face.  She’s a woman, and all she has to her advantage is her sexyality.”  Don’t look for her to snuggle with the Alabama Hick anytime soon.

Ian and Tom killed a couple poisonous snakes, but soon realized they could use them as bait to catch some sharks.  That would be a good idea if they had something better than a stick to throw at the sharks.  These two clowns would throw a handful of BB’s at a Rhino.  Sharks – 2, Idiots – 0.  I don’t think they heard of the saying, “A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.”  Or the lesser known saying, “A snake in hand is worth five to ten minutes of pleasure.”

Here are a couple quickies:  Katie looks like she’s pregnant.  Does anyone wear a speedo?  Coby does. 

Last week’s winners include Jean, Christian, Gardener, Dave C., Brian, Val, R.J., and Christina.  They’re married, so the validity of their independent e-mails are being evaluated.  With eight winners, their five dollar prize will be divided evenly with each winner getting $0.63.  This will be based on each winner following the simple steps to claim their prize.  First, answer these three questions: 1. What is your name?  2. What is your quest?  3. What is your favorite color?  Your answers should be typed in Tunga or Haettenschweiler font, size 10½ font with every other letter italicized on tri-fold brochure paper with a glossy finish.  Once answered, have your answers notarized by an authorized Notary Pubic Hair.  Send your answers with a self-addressed stamped envelope in a manila folder that has one of those strings that tie it shut (NOT A CHEAP ASS FOLDING CLIP!)  Failure to do any of these simple steps will result in your disqualification.  The remaining money will be divided evenly among those able to fulfill these steps.  Void in Alaska and Teotihuacán.

 Episode #4

            Last night’s show was pretty funny.  I get a kick out of James’ speech patterns.    I wonder if people from the South think we sound like idiots or like super intelligent people.  I’ve been wondering some other things.  I wonder if Coby envies Janu for being a Vegas showgirl.  I wonder if the two lawyers, Willard and Caryn have entered into a bona fide, sub rosa, modus operandi, in which quid pro quo ad nauseam, (If you know what I mean!!) ad hoc, e pluribus unum agreement to better their chances.  Is your Latin rusty?  All that swine lawyer talk translates to: They have entered in good faith to a secret or confidential manner of working in which one thing will be traded for another to the point of disgust, (If you know what I mean!!) with respect to the particular case at hand, one-from-many-should-win-agreement.

I believe that the harder someone tries to be something, the more obvious it is that they aren’t.  You are what you are, and you shouldn’t try to be anything.  For example, I know a woman who spends 45 seconds too long saying hello.  I say, “Hey.”  She’ll say, “Hello Tim.  It’s so nice to see you.  How are you doing today?  That’s wonderful.  I’m doing wonderful as well.  Thank you for asking.”  In a manufactured happy voice, hearing this kind of dialogue can really start sounding like fingernails on a chalkboard.  I used to think that there was no way she’s that kind.  I was right.  It turns out she’s a lunatic and very angry about everything.  I will give her credit, she married me.  I’m just kidding.  She’s happy when she’s sleeping.  So my beautiful wife doesn’t shoot me,  I am truly talking about some woman I know.  Anyway, my point is that these Survivor people try to hard to be what they’re not, so it should be very easy to read them.  If I were on the show, I would have them psychoanalyzed before we ever got to the island.  I would categorize them into two groups:  Losers and Soon-to-be-Losers.  The losers are aggressive, they take chances, they manipulate people or situations to better their own chances, and they are more cunning.  Since it is rare to possess the physical and mental skills to pull this off, they usually crash and burn early.  The Soon-to-be-Losers are the safe players that won’t stick their neck out, always cover their ass, and go along with the crowd.  They eventually lose because their lack of self-confidence is their Achilles’ heel.  The thing these two groups have in common is I would crush them both by exploiting their weaknesses and using their strengths against them.

            The answers to last week’s trivia question are Colors and Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  Dave C., got one answer and Jason got one answer.  As stated in last week’s blurb you were to name one or both of the movies.  As my 7^th grade writing teacher told me, “If you do the minimum work, you get the minimum reward.”  NOTHING!  Christina identified both movies and wins the $5.00 prize.  To claim her prize she has to videotape herself skipping to my house while singing the Steelers Polka song from the 70’s.  Since Christina clarified the name of the one movie for me, she may hum the words she doesn’t remember.

It may or may not come as a surprise to many of you, but I did not see the show last night.  The STUPID recorder on the digital TV didn’t work right.  If you thought I had watched the show I could convince you of anything.  If someone has the tape, please get a hold of me and let me watch it.

Episode #5 

Last night’s show only had one challenge, yet it had a profound impact on many Survivors.  It was a combination reward / (say slash) immunity / (say slash again) quadruple vote kinda night. (At this point, say salsa just because it’s a fun word to say.)  Very good!  Let’s continue.  Korer won the challenge, so they got to go to tribal council and vote off their weakest player…obviously Willard the Lawyer.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he sued CBS for making him feel bad.  He said a couple weird things that need mentioning.  He realized he was going home during the day, so in a very touching moment, he asked Gay Coby, “Can you get in my shorts?”  Coby replied, “Oh Willard, don’t make me sad…Probably.”  You can’t make things up that good!  Not wanting to be outdone, Jennifer asked Greg the same question later that night.  The two of them are basically sleeping together, but they don’t think anybody is on to their secret alliance. Perhaps none of the others ever heard of Amber and Rob.  Willard also said as he was leaving the council, “Stay strong, stick to the plan, finish them off, and make sure you let Coby get in your pants.”

For the challenge, they had to dive down for bottles of Saki.  I was surprise that nobody said, “You like Saki?”  Ibrehem absolutely choked by not being able to grab the bottle on which he had his hands.  They would have voted him off, but council had many twists.  After the winning tribe voted off Willard, they got to eat in front of the loser Ulong tribe.  Korer had agreed amongst themselves that they would not rub it in while eating, but they didn’t even come close.  It sounded like they were having a food orgy.  After listening to the Ulong losers discuss everything with Jeff, Korer got to vote for someone to have immunity, thus Ibrehem lives another few days.  Ulong then voted and had a tie between Angie and Bobby Jon.  Due to problems with hanging chads, the three others had to vote again.  I’ll bet you haven’t heard those words for awhile.  Anyway, there were more votes than people.  This is nothing new.  Democrats use the same strategy to get people into office.  Too bad for Tattoo Angie.  She had to go bye, bye.  Poor Angie, when will those clouds all disappear?  I’m going to miss her flabby butt in her bikini bottom and her hairy armpits.  I’m sure she’s disappointed about her tattoo that reads, “Born to win a million on Survivor”

            James was complaining about Angie not wanting to find a cave in the middle of the dark jungle, at night, during a storm.  He said that Angie should have done the manly thing and just say, “I can’t do it.”  This goes against every sexist thing I’ve been taught to think.  There are two basic beliefs men are taught.  The first one is: A real man never says, “I can’t do it.”  We just divert everyone’s attention away from our deficiencies or we fake it.  The second belief is: A real man takes no shit from a woman.  This one has no practical application.  I don’t know about the rest of the world, but I lost my manhood when I got married.

 Episode #6

            Sorry for the delay.  I was in Naples and didn’t have access to a computer.  I managed to watch the show as I drank Mai Thai’s and gobbled down Pringles.  I don’t remember too much of the show, but I remember that idiotic reward.  Those go together as well as Shaquille O’Neal and a midget.  Now I understand that Pringles sponsors the show, so match it with something that makes sense…like wet wipes.  Now that’s a quality reward.  After all, I can’t stand getting all that salt on my hands, and who wants to lick their fingers on national television. 

            To all of our collective surprise, Ulong once again lost immunity.  When things finally go your way, and you win reward, it sucks to find out you’re reward is less appealing than back stage passes to the Partridge Family reunion tour.  At this point you know you’re at rock bottom and just want to secede from your tribe faster than it takes a bald guy to grab his toupee in a windstorm.  They also got to swim with jellyfish.  It wasn’t dangerous because they have lost their ability to sting.  These are the impotent losers in the world of jellyfish, thus you have losers swimming with losers; a Cross-Species Synchronized Swimming event that can only be topped by Nerd-Night at the High School Pool.

            I remember the challenge required them to use a rope and sticks to tie a box securely shut.  Alabama James quickly added that he learned how to tie a knot in the Navy that would be impossible to untie.  I don’t what happened to his impregnable knot because it has taken me longer to untie my own shoes.  In fact it took longer to unbutton my new shorts the other day.  I was standing in the stall, and I just couldn’t undo them.  I had to go so bad, I started sweating.  Can anyone relate to this?  Anyway, his rope was untangled, and in no time, his tribe had lost.  He wasn’t the only one at fault.  Ibrehem is worthless in the water yet he decided he would swim out half way and be a relay person.  I think Ibrehem would have been better suited for something far away from water.  Perhaps Survivor Sahara Desert.  I almost forgot about another blunder from James.  Once the challenge had begun, James had spent most of his time trying to adjust his burlap-sack-looking-outfit.  Maybe he was mostly at fault.  They went to council, and the Great Knot Man was removed from the tribe.

            With only three members of Ulong left and eight for Korer, common sense would tell you it’s time for a merge.  Due to my lack of common sense, I’ll go out on a palm and say they will not merge. 

            The correct answer for last week’s trivia is University of Tennessee at Chattanooga.  The winners are Chuck, Jodi, Chris M., Pammy, and Brian H.  There was controversy around Brian’s simple incomplete answer of Chattanooga because he might have been referring to the Chattanooga Choo Choo.  I decided to let him slide because I have a nice tan.  Each person can claim their 20% share by simply flying a remote control helicopter onto the landing pad that I carefully constructed out of 1,358 wooden matches.  I will attach your prize money to the helicopter by way of a specially designed harness system that I designed and made from silk that I extracted from my pet silk worm named Probst.

 Episode #7

            I’ve always thought that a majority of women go to college to find a husband.  If they go to some great parties, experiment with some mind-altering drugs, or even earn a degree along the way, they were just unexpected bonuses.  Much like the rice my dad would put in our Jello when we were kids.  There’s a new phenomenon in which women go to Survivor to meet husbands.  Amber met Rob, Jenna Morasco dated Ethan, Julie from Vanuatu was shacking with Jeff Probst, and Jennifer is now with Greg.  It’s too bad Richard Hatch and Coby’s dinghies didn’t cross in the night.  They could have a lovely televised wedding with lots of flowers, pastels, and matching accessories.

            The reward challenge was to build an S.O.S. signal on their beach and some guy with a specialized degree in analyzing pristine versus piece-of-shit signals would judge who had done a better job.  I think this is a Community College degree because I don’t remember anyone in college talking about their huge S.O.S. final.  By the way, women who go to Community Colleges to find husbands, get knocked up, married, and separated before their first S.O.S. final.  Another problem with finding a husband at a Community College is the quality of your children.  It’s like looking for a husband at a family reunion; you can find a man, but your children are born with a perpetual runny nose and bad gas.  Korer won the challenge, and they won a food drop from the plane.  Caryn said, “I’m so happy!” so many times, you would have thought she was a fat kid that just found a Jolly Rancher in his pocket. 

            Ian was proud of himself when he caught a clam.  I use the word caught loosely because catching a clam takes less dexterity than it takes to grab a Snicker’s bar in the check out line while pushing your cart forward and briefly scanning the National Enquirer headline, “Properly Made S.O.S. Signal Saves Lives of Two Community College Lovers.”  It’s not like the clam is scrambling to get away.  It just sits there and thinks, “Oh Shit!  I’m caught.”  Tom couldn’t be out-done, so he caught a shark.  He said it wasn’t that hard.  It just took a couple of bitch-slaps and it was over.

            For Immunity they had to put together a life-sized floating puzzle.  Why Probst called it life-sized I don’t know.  What size does a puzzle have to be to achieve life-sized status?  Ulong lost again.  Bobby Jon was calling out signals and hadn’t accomplished a single thing by the time Coby was half way done with his.  Stephenie got out of the water and took over, but her efforts couldn’t overcome Korer’s early lead.  I feel bad for her because she’s athletic, competitive, has a good attitude, and works hard.  She just has the misfortune of being on the worst tribe ever.  This reminds me of Major League when the owner picks her baseball players for the purpose of losing.  If you picked tribal members for the purpose of losing, they would still do better than these clowns.

            They didn’t merge, thus establishing my genius once again.  Next week they still won’t merge.  Ulong will lose, and Bobby Jon and Stephenie will go to council where they will both vote for Bobby Jon.  In an attempt to save face after realizing his blunder, Bobby Jon will claim that he only voted for himself because he didn’t know how to spell Stephenie.

 Episode #8

            You just gotta love Stephenie!  She is relentless in her effort to win and despite never experiencing it, she still believes in her heart that victory will soon be hers.  I’d be happy now if the show ended, and she was given a million.  I also like her because she says what’s wrong and expresses her feelings without sounding whiny like many of the other Survivors.

            Since there has never been a tribe of two, the dynamics were very strange.  First off, what constitutes a tribe?  Three, maybe four, but two?  Two is the loneliest number since the number one.  Two for the show.  Two tickets to paradise.  Twosday’s gone with the wind.  Those are all song lyrics.  Anyway back to the dynamics.  Bobby Jon and Stephenie had many thoughts about being the last two left from Ulong.  Bobby Jon was thinking, If I promise Stephenie that I won’t vote for her, maybe she’ll sleep with me.  Stephenie was thinking, I was about to sleep with him until he started blowing snot rockets out of his nose.  He may never know how close he was.

            The two from Ulong, A.K.A. Twolong A.K.A. Me, had to compete in both challenges by themselves against two from Koror.  The first challenge was eating nutritious eggs, or I should say nutritious and fertilized, with 20-day-old little chickens in the eggs.  Stephenie ate four and Bobby Jon ate six, and then he had to go against Tom in the finals for the first to eat five the fastest.  Bobby Jon made a huge tactical error when he just started stuffing them in his mouth.  Anyone who has ever tried to stuff an entire McDonald’s cheeseburger in your mouth at one time knows that once it’s in there it just sits because your mouth is too full to chew.  He should have bit the upper half, from the chest cavity up, then quickly chewed and swallowed.  Despite losing, they at least went back to their cave with a belly full of little chickies.  By the way, many women called me Twolong in college because of my extremely long nose hairs.  The Chinese girls called me Tworong.

            Koror won a 55 gallon bucket of water for showers and a bunch of bath products.  I actually saw a sparkle in my wife’s eyes.  It was the same as Jennifer’s look.  She couldn’t understand why Tom would rather use the water for drinking than a spa treatment for the first two girls to grab the bubbles and lather each other up while gently caressing each other’s naked womanhood.  Come to think of it, I can’t understand his thinking either. 

For the immunity challenge, there was swimming and puzzles.  Twolong was strong at the beginning, but they struggled with putting the puzzle together. They had to go to tribal council and have an individual immunity.  Jeff asked them what was the most important thing to them and they both said fire, so the immunity was to see who could get a small fire going the fastest.  It was too bad they didn’t say sex was the most important.  Bobby Jon was confident he could take this one, and Stephenie had the I’ll-try-my-best look.  She kicked his ass!  At that point he was thinking, I wish we would have voted.

Now it’s down to Stephenie going back to her cave by herself with the pimply faced camera guy who just happens to have a Snickers bar in his pocket and low batteries in his camera.  Will Stephenie have to compete by herself?  Will Coby get over being teased by me in high school?  Will Stephenie go for the Old Snickers ploy?  I was also called Snickers in college because I really satisfied.  Will Will kill Bill?  These exciting questions might not be answered next week, but I’ll watch anyway.

 Episode #9

            I was trying to think who the bigger assholes are, the producers of this show that kept Stephenie all by herself for so long, or the people on Koror like Jennifer whose first thought was to get rid of Stephenie.  I’m going to lean towards the producers because they haven’t put me on the show yet.  Stephenie had an emotional moment when she read the tree-mail and learned it was time to merge.  She said, “I’m gonna have friends!”  That’s like a sheep going up to a pack of wolves and asking, “What’s for dinner?”  Yes, a bit naïve, but she was cornered by a crazed cameraman the night before, so I’ll let her slide.  I don’t know what the connection is there, but I already typed it, so I’m not changing it. 

            A friend once told me about advice he had been given when he was in high school and had to move to a new district.  He was told to avoid anyone trying to quickly make friends with him.  The reason being, these are the losers that need friends.  Cool people don’t go around looking for new friends.  So guess who the first person is that cornered Stephenie? (besides the cameraman)  Coby!!  The bell is ringing because he is the LOSER OF THE WEEK.  That’s not the only reason.  He said many incoherent things last night that made as much sense as Evangelists copyrighting their reading materials.  My brother pointed that out to me last week.  It’s one of those things that make you go, “hmmm.”  He also got voted out of the tribe.  However, the next, but not last reason is while leaving council he said, “It’s a great compliment.  Thank you.”  In other words, Coby thought he was such a threat, that they had to vote for him.  He may have gone far enough to make it to the jury, but we must not forget the tribal history of Koror.  They were only at council twice.  The first time they voted out a worthless old lawyer and this time they chose to keep someone not even in their tribe over him.  I’m sorry Coby, but it’s not because they view you as a threat.  They just don’t like hair stylists.

            After the merge, two native Palauans paddled up to Korer’s shore to help the tribe fish and get drunk.  I thought the first guy didn’t have legs and wouldn’t be much help, but they were just tucked under his torso.  Tom got drunk, mumbled nursery rhymes, and stumbled all over the camp like me going to my first fraternity rush.  I can’t believe they didn’t give me a bid! 

            The immunity challenge was to stand on a little tower.  The last one standing wins.  After an hour Coby and Janu jumped off for two donuts each.  Thus the final reason for Coby being a loser.  He gave up a chance at immunity and a million dollars for two doughnuts.  After another hour and a half, Katie, Ian, Jennifer, and Greg jumped for 15 cookies.  That’s not each.  That’s 3.75 cookies each.  The doughnut deal is now looking a little better.  A while later Stephenie and Caryn jumped for a pizza.  A big chance that paid off for Stephenie.

            Who’s going to get voted off next week?  Ian said that Janu is like a dysfunctional aunt that lives in their attic.  I would be shocked if she wasn’t next.  I’d be even more shocked if she won immunity.

Episode #10 

Last night’s show had one of the most emotional moments I’ve seen on this show, so I’ll get to it later.  For the reward challenge, the tribe divided into two teams of four.  They had to build a tower, retrieve a flag, and get their asses back to the beach.  I mean this literally.  There were donkeys in the water.  Caryn, Janu, Tom, and Greg won and got to meet a chubby Chief in desperate need of a bra.  They also watched Palauan dancers wearing the new Victoria Secret Coconut Cup halter-top design with low-rise bottom and minimal back coverage.  They used the classic push-up top, cleavage-enhancing coconuts with removable pads and underwire cups for added support.  And yes, of course they had adjustable straps.  There was also a feast to get sick on.  I mean this literally because after five minutes Janu had to go out and puke while dancer #5 rubbed her back.  What good does that do?  If I’m puking I don’t want anyone rubbing my back.  I want them getting me another beer so I can keep the buzz going.  You lose a lot of good alcohol when you puke.  I guess in her case it was food, but it’s the same point because she’s so skinny, she can’t afford to let any food that makes it to her stomach get away from her.  I already thought she was a wasted spot on the show.  At this point I’m kicking myself.  I mean this literally, because a gnat landed on my calf, and I wanted him dead.  It might have been a girl.  It gets worse for Janu.  The winners decided to bring back food for the losers.  At this point Janu says, “Oh I didn’t see that.  I think I’ll eat some now.”  Not to be out done in the can-you-believe-this-bitch category, Caryn also decided to eat some more.  These two needed to be slapped, and I mean that literally.  I have a new sponsor called Literally Inc.  They pay me to use the word literally.  So far, I bought a truck for my son and a blanket for my daughter.  Literally, Literally, Literally.  I just bought an ironing board for my wife.  Literally.  That one was just for me.  I adapted that from a Dennis Miller rant, literally. 

For immunity, they had to get under a set of bars in the water and stay as long as they could as the tide slowly came in.  The last one to give up won immunity, and the first one to give up had to spend the night by themselves on another island.  Janu strikes again and was on her way to her beach away from her beach.    Janu was given flint and steel.  She started building the fire during the day and finally got it lit after dark.  That’s like someone getting bread and meat and taking an hour to build a sandwich.  Tom won immunity.  That’s two in a row.  The NYC Fireman is HOT!  If he doesn’t win immunity, he must go.

Ian, Tom, and Greg are three sissies.  They wanted to vote off Stephenie because they said she’s competitive, she’s a threat, and she wants to win.  When it comes to arguing, that’s my wife.  Greg went so far as to say, “Winning is hardly about deserving.”  That’s like saying drinking is hardly about getting drunk.  It has everything to do with it!!  The boys decided it was going to be Stephenie going home.

At council Janu was indifferent about the possibility of going home.  This made Stephenie come to tears begging for a chance to stay in the game.  It was very emotional, and I’m not saying I had tears in my eyes because of the show, but rather my allergies are getting worse.  I’m just glad nobody was around to see me in this allergic state.  Janu decided to give up rather that see Stephenie get voted off the island.  It was a very decent thing, and you can forget all the negative things I wrote about her earlier.  Maybe she just knew she wasn’t going anywhere, so she gave up.  What a loser.  Go ahead and remember all the things I wrote about her, and here’s another.  Giving the others food and then eating some of it is like when she’s on a runway in Vegas and some guy slides a dollar bill under her G-string and asks for change.

Episode #11 

I can’t believe I had to wait for the Presidential address to finish before I could watch Survivor!  John Kerry would never have pre-empted Survivor.  I should have voted for Kerry.  Ha.  Ha, ha.  Ha, ha, ha.  Ha, ha, ha, ha.  Ha, ha, hee, hee, ho, ho, hum.  Alright, now that I’m back under control let’s get on with it.

            It was auction week for the reward challenge.  There was bidding for food and finally they bid on getting a letter from home.  The each received $500 dollars and as usual, several women got giddy about having so much money on a deserted island.  Ian got the best meal of pasta, meat sauce, garlic bread, and cheese for $300.  For another $40 he got a beer, and you thought the $6.00 drafts at Chauncey’s was outrageous.  Ian is rather goofy, but he had good instincts by not going for the mystery box and keeping his basketti.  That’s how I used to spell it before I took a writing course in college.  Now I write it basghetti.  The mystery box was a jar of a dozen live crabs.  Everyone acted like getting the crabs would have been like getting the Triple Whammie.  I don’t know what’s wrong with crabs.  I had them in college.  A little shampoo and they’re gone.  I’m just kidding.  It takes a lot of shampoo.  Seriously though, I never went to college.  I forged by diploma so that I could have the most diplomas of any employee at Wal-Mart.   I’m just kidding.  I had the most when I graduated from high school.  Greg paid Ian $20 for a bite of spaghetti.  He is such a…I don’t know,…a chick.  He goes on and on about getting rid of Stephenie.  Other than in my own house, I’ve never seen a guy so intimidated by a woman.  He needs to grow a pair.  Back to the auction, a letter from home went for $220.  They actually bid on these.  If I was there I would have bid on the letters just to make myself look good to my wife and family, but believe me, the money would have paid for food not love.  If you want to pay for love, get a hooker.

            During the reward challenge, Jeff said, “Wow! Ian, you smell.  You reek.”  After 30 days, Ian gave into the pressure and took his loofah down to the beach for a nice salt-water scrub.  He asked Greg to scrub his back.  Yes, a little gay, but I would have let it go because his only alternative was the camera man.  However, what I can’t let go is five minutes after Greg left, he asked Tom to do the same.  Coby was at home last night thinking about all the fun he missed.  If I was Greg or Tom, I would make sure I had some buffer space when going to sleep at night.  You never know where Ian’s going to stick his loofah.

            There were two good quotes last night.  Stephenie said, “You wanna think I’m a threat, I’ll show you how threatening I am.”  It reminded me of Kurt Russell as Wyatt Earp in Tombstone when he said, “You called down the thunder, well now you’ve got it. You tell’em I’m comin, and Hell’s comin with me.  You hear?  Hell’s comin with me!”  It lost some of its effect because she got voted off anyway.  Too bad!

The other quote was after Caryn blabbed to Tom about the girl’s plan to get rid of him.  Katie said, “We can’t get a female alliance together because Caryn sucks.”  It has been said that people that can’t hack medical school become dentists.  Maybe Caryn became a Civil Rights Attorney because she couldn’t hack being a respectable lawyer.  I can’t believe I just wrote respectable lawyer.  What I mean is a non-blood sucking, ambulance chasing, frivolous lawsuit procuring, bottom feeding, scum of the earth lawyer.

Congratulations to this week’s winners.  Dave, Raeshel, Susan, and Christian answered Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven.  When I write Christian, I mean a person named Christian, and not some guy whose name I forget, but whose faith I remember.  Jolene answered three lefts make a right.  I will allow that answer, but it depends if you’re in the Eastern or Western hemisphere. 

With five winners splitting the $5.00 prize, the math is easy this weak.  Each winner receives 78 cents.  There were several charges that I had to place on each person’s winnings.  They include: Basic charge 4%, Non-Basic charge 2%, Federal Universal Service Charge 2%, State Tax Adjustment Surcharge 3%, Sales Tax 7%, Federal Excise Tax 3%, and Allegheny County 911 Fee 1%. 

To claim your prize, close your eyes and think of a person you truly admire.  In a few sentences, write why you thought of me.  You can send it via email.

This week’s trivia is simple.  Finish this rhyme:  Ocka bocka, standa crocka, ocka bocka boo…

Episode #12 

It has been several months since they taped this show and Jennifer is still staring blankly into thin air wondering, “What the hell just happened?”  Yes, the love connection is no more!  Greg was blind-sided, yet recognized what happened, unlike Jennifer who still thinks Jeff miscounted the votes.  There’s a family of fish called remora that have sucking organs on their head in which they use to cling to other fish.  Jennifer is a remora.  What’s she going to do now?  You’re right.  Pack her bags.  Actually she will probably stick around a little longer because the woman have the numbers now.  On the other hand, this didn’t help them before when they had numbers because Caryn sucks.  Then again, they may feel bad for separating Jennifer from Greg and may want remora to be with her big fish.  On the third hand, she could be used as leverage against the other girls.  However, she might come in handy by undermining the men by gaining their trust through her sex appeal.  Contrary to this, she might be easy to coerce because of her love-lost weakened state of mind.  My intellect is dizzying, isn’t it?

I’m glad Greg got voted out for many reasons.  They include: 1. He’s a wimp.  He actually asked for Jenn’s permission to drop her lantern one notch.   They say, “It’s better to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission.”  If it hasn’t sunk in yet, allow myself to repeat myself.  He asked her for permission on lowering her lantern.  2. He’s whiny.  Waa, waa, Stephenie is too good.  Waa, waa.  3. He cried on national TV.  4. He’s a back stabber.  He offered a deal to Katie and immediately went against it.  5.  He has no backbone.  After screwing over Katie, he picked her to go on the trip with him.  “I’m sorry Katie.  If I pick you, will you forgive me?”  6. He has no stomach.  In one phase of the immunity challenge, Jennifer actually ate three pre-hatched chickens faster than he ate them.

I should back up a little.  Greg won reward and took Jennifer and Katie on a yacht where they showered, got massages, and ate.  I was on a yacht once.  It was awesome.  The master bedroom had a TV directly above the bed.  More importantly, the fridge was full, the bar was stocked, and I was tanning all the way up to my whitey tighties.  While my wife was catching sharks, I was catching a good buzz.  Greg, Jennifer, and Katie all got a visit from someone from home while they were on the yacht.  Greg had his friend, Jennifer had her sister, and Katie had her brother-in-law.  Lucky her!  Greg’s plans were spoiled because he had already planned his romantic night with Jennifer.  He even had a hanger ready for the outside of the door to his room.  Since boys will be boys, I’m sure Greg and his buddy were plotting ways to get Jennifer and her sister into a four person potpourri of pleasure.

Back at camp Tom, Ian, and Caryn planned a coup d'état of Greg by forcing a tie in the votes and a subsequent drawing of the infamous purple stone, which signifies, “PACK YOUR BAGS LOSER!”  When there’s a tie, everyone has to draw from the bag, except for the two getting the votes.  Ian told Katie of their plan, so she decided to vote with them rather than face a possible chance of picking the purple stone herself.  There you have it.  If this made sense, you’re a genius, or I’m an exceptional explainer.  I hate to tell you this, but you’re no genius.

Tom could have beat Ian, but he once again showed how horrible of a shot he was with a gun.  While Ian was picking off three targets in a row, Tom displayed the aim of a cross-eyed narcoleptic pilot trying to land a plane in heavy fog.  Luckily, for Tom, it didn’t alter their plan to get rid of Greg.

Last week’s answer was, “In comes Uncle Sam, out goes Y-O-U!”  Chris M., Claudia, and Susan got it correct.  R.J. didn’t write, “In comes Uncle Sam,” So out goes H-I-M!  The three winners split only $2.00 this week because I hid a box of Girl Scout cookies, and I can’t find them.  I’m really pissed about this, so the winners are going to take the $3.00 hit on this one.  To claim your share of the prize, incorporate these three words into one coherent sentence and email it to me: remora, coup d'état, and anti-establishmentarianism.  This week’s trivia is to name one of both of the movies from which I partially quoted in this week’s summary.  They real quotes are: “Your intellect is dizzying.” The second one is, “Allow myself to introduce myself.”

 Episode #13

The sun is shining down on Ian’s scrawny ass.  He won a new corvette for reward, a night in a mansion, and avoided being voted off by three women.  He took Tom with him on reward only to find upon his return three evil women plotting his demise.  He had to do more damage control than Michael Jackson’s legal team after a Boy Scout weekend retreat to Never Land.  Ian is a good strategist, but when confronted he sounds like a drunk trying to explain to an officer why he accidentally got in a cop car and tried to drive it home.  Katie was pissed off for being lied to about the reward.  When she confronted him, he said, “I, I, I, I, uh, uh.”  When asked why lied, he said, “Well, I, I, I, uh, duh, um, um, you know.”  He later got another chance to talk to Katie more coherently.  He not only talked, he put on a performance for the ages.  The Academy needs to consider him for an Oscar.  He had remorse in his voice, tears in his eyes, and pain in his face.  His plea for pity included arms swinging, fists clenching, and a backward fall into the sand.  His best line was telling Katie that he would step out of the game if she wanted him to.  Any sensible woman would have said, “Yeah, right!”  Katie said, “You don’t have to do that.”  This reminded me of Coming to America when the Prince promises to denounce his throne if his bride wishes it.  She says, “Nah!”  When Ian won the reward and had to choose someone to go with him, he said, “I promised Katie and Tom, but I shook hands with Tom, so I choose Tom.”  This tells me that Ian’s word in meaningless, but handshakes, finger crossing, pinky grips, and spitting in your hand are taken very seriously.  The more I think about it, I can’t tell if Ian was extremely cunning, or these women are too stupid to use their numbers advantage.  Maybe they don’t want Tom to win immunity and figure Ian is their only chance of keeping Tom from winning it.  Or….alright, don’t get me started.

Once again words come back to haunt someone.  Caryn said during the show, “I’m optimistic about the final three.”  This makes me think the producers rig the show to make these people eat their words.  If I ever make it on the show, there are three things I’ll do to guarantee me the million bucks.  1. I will be sure to say, “I think I’m going home tonight” every day whether I have immunity or not.  2. I will carry a camera around and ask the other Survivors about their plans.  3. I will keep my name a secret so nobody can write it down.  The third one is ideal because nobody ever writes down something like: athletic guy, or good looking guy with nice smile, or camera guy that asked me a lot of private questions about my sex life.

The island seemed more dangerous last night.  Not because Caryn is a Civil Rights Attorney, but because of all the creatures roaming around.  There were rats, sharks, scorpions, and crocodiles.  Maybe they were alligators.  I can’t tell the difference, I’m not from Canada.  A guy once brought a scorpion to work.  He had an eraser covering the stinger, but it still gave me the creeps.

Last week’s answers are Austin Powers International Man of Mystery and The Princess Bride.  I was surprised anyone got The Princess Bride.  It’s a great movie that is not well known.  The winners include Susan who got both, and Chris(tian) who both got one each.  I wrote their names together like that to save space, but now that I have explained it, I’ve used up more space than I’m legally entitled.  Damn, foiled by my need to over explain!  They each win their share of $5.00 worth of junk that I didn’t sell at last week’s garage sale.  I’m going to throw in a nearly full deck of cards for Susan.  Not only because she named both movies, but she also corrected my quote.  To claim your prize, show up at the Palauan Party Sunday night between 7:00 and 8:00 wearing nothing but a smile.  I take that back.  Put on some coconuts.  This week’s trivia turns to the world of nature.  Survivor was taped in a tropical area, so they see many rainbows.  What are the seven colors of the rainbow?

 Episode #14

I couldn’t have been more thrilled watching the Boston Red Sox beat the New York Yankees last year in the Championship Series.  What’s that have to do with Survivor?  You ask.  A New Yorker won the million.  “One million dollars isn’t exactly a lot of money these days.  Virtucon alone makes over nine billion per year.”  (MOVIE QUOTE, MOVIE QUOTE)  That aside, under normal circumstances I would cringe over New Yorkers having something to cheer about, but Tom the Fireman played the best game, won the most challenges, and pissed off the least amount of people.  That’s a good combination for success.  My formula for success has always been challenge inferior people, irritate the hell out of them, and play until I win.  Try this approach yourself.  It works at both work and play.

Last night’s two hour season finale was actually a 15 minute show.  The first hour was a summary of all the episodes.  Did you know Stephenie jumped off the boat in the first episode?  Did you know Jolanda won the first immunity and still got voted off the island first?  Did you know that Caryn is a civil rights lawyer that didn’t come to Jolanda’s defense?  Caryn is either a crappy lawyer, or Jolanda is such a bitch that her mama wouldn’t even come to her rescue.  Another half hour was spent going down memory lane as Tom, Ian, and Katie dropped torches in the ocean out of respect for their fallen comrades.  This sentimental rubbish took a half hour.  Since the tribes never merged, there is no way they could have known some of these guys.  You could tell because their comments would be, “He was a good guy.”  Or, “Was she the chick with the hooters?”  No, that was Ashlee.  An Oscar goes to underwater cinematography.  No matter where they dropped a torch, a camera man was filming its descent into the abyss.  That’s a little dramatic.  It was only ten feet down to the ocean floor.  The other 15 minutes were used for Chevy commercials.  Now that General Motors is at Junk Bond status, they need some good advertising time.  I just hope they can afford giving away a Corvette and a pick-up truck.  I forget what it’s called, but it can back up onto a moving car carrier.  Instead of advertising time, they should have donated a few bucks towards a decent haircut for Jeff Probst.  He didn’t have a middle part, and it wasn’t a side part.  It was a tweener part. 

The first immunity was an elaborate tower that had to be climbed while overcoming obstacles along the way.  The girls had no chance before Jeff even explained what they had to do.  Jennifer couldn’t throw a grappling hook any better than the brothers of Lambda Lambda Lambda could throw a party in Revenge of the Nerds.  Tom won and Ian came in second, so they advanced to the finals where Tom won again.  With amazing honesty, Tom told Jen that he was voting for her which meant he was honoring his pact with Ian.  Then came one of the all time foot-in-the-mouth moments of our generation.  Ian said, “I’m glad I didn’t win immunity because that would have been a tough choice to make.”  Thus telling Tom that he wouldn’t have done the same for him.  This turned Tom against Ian, forced a draw in the votes, a tie in the second vote, and Ian beating Jennifer in a fire lighting contest to avoid elimination. 

This last series of events created a lot of animosity, accusations, and more da da das than The Police song De do do do, de da da da.  It’s not that Ian lied too much, he just got caught and now he was the black sheep.  Winning immunity was the only thing he could hope for at this point.  With any luck, it would be a reach high for a coconut contest.  Unfortunately, he had to stand on a little disc, clinging to a pole, swaying on top of a buoy.  The only person that could have been more thrilled to be sliding up and down, what was a fireman’s pole would have been Janu.  At some point, all Vegas showgirls have done some runway and striptease pole time.  I know this because I dated a stripper, and she told me that she dreamed of being a flat-chested Vegas showgirl.  To Ian’s credit he lasted 11 hours.  Tom had offered him a great deal.  If Ian jumped he would take him to the finals.  If he didn’t jump and Tom beat him anyway, Tom would take Katie to the finals.  Go ahead and process that for a moment.  A few hours later, Ian came back with a counter offer.  Ian said, “If I jump off, you have to promise to take Katie to the finals.”  Now take an even longer moment to process that offer.  He said that he made this offer because he wanted to rid the guilt of being a liar.  I think that he figured Tom would still pick him because Tom would match up better against Ian in the vote.  It was a costly gamble because Ian is at home now cursing the guy who invented fireman poles.

The Reunion show had a few mentionable items.  Coby is so gay!  His flames are burning brighter The Heat Miser’s hair.  He still thinks that he was seen as a threat.  There’s more denial in him than there is headspace in a plane full of midgets.  Bobby Jon said that he gave it is all, including every toenail.  That’s an interesting thing to sacrifice for victory.  I guess it beats toe jam, stomach fuzz, sleepers, dingle berries, scabs, zit puss, dandruff, post piss drip, or nasal drainage.  Goofy Wanda had a chance to talk, and she said she has fans.  I do to, but I only plug them in when its hot.  Sadly, Jeff asked her if she had a song.  What’s even sadder is I found myself tapping my foot to the melody.  Damn the man who wrote the melody for Old Susanna. 

It’s once again time to apologize to the people I may have offended during this season.  The small section of my heart in charge of kindness makes me offer these words:  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry to people who watch the same stupid show over and over again; people who get picked last in competitions; lunatic teachers who unfairly represent the teaching profession as a whole; people who tattoo or go to Vo-Tech; people who lack balance, coordination, ability to use strategy or planning,  and people who lack beer drinking game experience;  people from the South, people who are fake or where Speedos; neighborhood kids with freckles; women with small breasts, armpit hair, or look pregnant but aren’t, and just women in general; Courtney Love, well not really; my sister, my dad, and, indirectly my wife; people with speech impedi, impedi, impediments; body builders; losers; lawyers, people with flabby buts that where bikinis; women’s rights groups; midgets twice; Partridge Family fans; people who go swimming at the high school pool on Friday nights; Community Colleges and the degrees they give; fat kids; Chinese people who can’t make the ‘L’ sound; camera men with pimples and sinful thoughts; gay people; people with eating or drinking problems; John Kerry, no definitely not; people who don’t like me writing about politics and are still depressed about Kerry losing; Michael Jackson and his legal team; the New York Yankees and their fans, General Motors Corporation, its employees, and owners of GM vehicles; Lambda Lambda, Lambda brotherhood; Vegas strippers and dancers with under-funded bodies; the writer of Old Susanna; and all Survivor contestants from Palau.  I especially want to apologize to Jeff Probst about the hair comment and the Producers of this outstanding, inspirational, amazing show that I would still like to be on this fall.

Last week’s answer is red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet.  The winners are Chris and Barb.  Since Barb won the Survivor poll, she is ineligible for the five dollar prize.  Chris wins it all.  All Chris has to do is send me that yummy warm and cheesy buffalo dip once a week for a year, or at least the recipe.  (Chris, you don’t have to send the recipe once a week.)

I have been doing a lot of writing, so now it’s your turn.  Please write a short paragraph about why I should be on Survivor.  I’ll include them in my application for Survivor Mayan Temple.  Even a sentence would be much appreciated.

I have enjoyed the season and writing the weekly summaries.  People ask me two questions: How long does it take to write and where do I get this stuff?  75% is right off the top of my head, but it’s the other 25% that makes it take about 1½ to 2 hours.  Take care and have a great summer!