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Poor, poor Darla. Who’s Darla you ask. She’s the poor loser that used the second pick to snag Nicole. We all know Nicole. She’s the one that thinks Osten is a Jerk and doesn’t like Tijuana. She may be a racist or maybe she just spent too long on the soapbox at council. The Boy Scout leader is rather interesting. A boy scout leader is something you do because none of the other parents want the job, and you want to be sure no one is molesting your kid. What’s a girl doing being a scout leader. How many men are Girl Scout leaders? I’m sure that would fly. And another thing: It’s not a career. That would be like a little league coach wearing his baseball outfit to the island, or an attorney wearing his Armani suit to the show…oh wait, Andrew did. Cutting up his suit wasn’t a big deal. I usually wear my Armanis once and send them to Goodwill. With all that free advertising time, Armani will probably send him a couple freebies. I like Rupert because he stole Morgan’s shoes and sounds like he’s drunk when he talks. Jon, or Jonny Fair-Play, or Jokester says he’s funny because everyone laughs at all his jokes. He’s not as funny as he thinks. I used to think I was funny until I got married. As a tribe, Drake looked cohesive. They were moving wood in front of the other team’s path for the challenge and they had the common sense to push the cannon on that new technology called wheels rather than trying to carry the cannon like Osten. There should have been two paths rather than one team clearing out all the debris for the other. I can’t write about the challenge and not mention the whole naked scene. What were they thinking? The other team would be so distracted by their manliness that Drake would stop dead in the challenge and gawk. The producers made sure that phrases like Morgan “Behind” and “Keep it up” made the final cuts. Tijuana makes me want to say marijuana, so I might accidentally use them interchangeably. I really like marijuana because she went right to the source of the rumor and confronted Nicole. She was really excited about the tree mail because she thought there was a 20% off coupon for Bed, Bath, and Beyond. My guy Ryan O. is a schmuck. He took off on his own and tried to rent a boat without a destination and money. That’s like trying to bake a cake without instructions or ingredients. Andrew has been elected leader. That is the kiss of death. It also doesn’t help that he called Ryan S. a slacker at council. Lesson #43 is: Never reveal your cards. From the Godfather it would be: “Never let them know what your’re thinkin.” He’ll probably get away with it because Ryan S. is the next one to go on Morgan. If Drake loses it will be Joker Jonny.
Don’t you just feel bad for Osten? He’s down there on his island, running around in his underwear, whining about how his body is just giving out. “I might get pneumonia, and I’ll cough blood.” Who’s the dumb*** who sold his clothes? Christa said Shawn was the biggest puss. She doesn’t have the good fortune of being in the same tribe as Osten. This is the same guy who said, “I don’t have any faults.” If you’re from Whinyville, then maybe you don’t. Why would he go to individuals and ask to be voted off the show? It’s simple. He wants each person to tell him how important, strong, wonderful, helpful, necessary, prominent, remarkable, worthy, significant, essential, and vital he is to their tribe’s success. Maybe a couple of the girls will throw in that he’s hot and so well defined. His tribe members said that he seemed to be alright when he was playing football on the beach. I don’t have a problem with this because…well, because it’s football. What I do have trouble with is a scout master that has trouble with knots. Morgan was so far ahead of Drake during the immunity challenge, but thanks to their inability to untie a knot, they blew another one. Ryan S. said he gave more than 100%. That’s great if you have something to give, but 100% of worthless is still worthless. Here’s a little more math from the reward challenge: Drake had four items in their chest while the Dynamic Duo or Ryan and Ryan had only one in the chest. A 4:1 ratio isn’t good on this show unless there are four desperate girls and me….4 very desperate girls.
Drake already has all the food and now they get the tarp. They probably told Sandra that since they were hanging her out to dry, why not get a tarp so they could all stay dry. She was friendly enough while she was getting the tarp, but she shouldn’t have flaunted how good it felt to be a pirate at the immunity challenge. People won’t forget that. Shawn wasn’t able to find the spear in the 10 square foot area that it was lost. Good job Shawn! Luckily, Rupert only had to look around 25,000 square feet. I don’t think we’ll see Shawn fishing anymore. Next to go for Morgan is the Boy Scout and for Drake is Jon.
Is there anyone that doesn’t want Rupert to win? All bets aside of course. When he begins to feel any compassion for Morgan, he reminds himself that he’s a pirate, so he should go for the kill and take the water pot. Yeah!! Christa said she would pillage the village. She seems like the village idiot. She looks dumb, she talks dumb, and she’s a computer programmer. You’re probably thinking two things right now. 1. She talks dumb isn’t good English and 2. Aren’t computer programmers smart? There was a time when intelligence was a prerequisite for a programming degree, now it’s just anybody who played a lot of video games when they were young. There was an interesting confrontation between Jon and Sandra about their swimming ability. When a guy has to argue with a woman about who has more athletic ability, it’s time to hang up your ballet shoes, especially when it’s true.
Morgan is described as focused and a better tribe, at least according to Marijuana. Andrew says that they have the advantage because the other tribe hasn’t experienced defeat, and he wants to see them crumble when they do. He may not be around that long. Osten gave everything he could for the immunity challenge. I started to respect him, but I remembered the Buffalo Bills. How much respect can you give to a four time loser? Pull up your boxers Osten! It’s not like he’s 15. He’s 27 years old. I think that Lillian is like Charlie Brown. She wants to shine, but ends up rotting instead. I think her troop will give her some extra help on how to make a tight Fisherman’s knot. My wrestling coach used to talk about the 3 D’s of success: Dedication, Determination, and Desire. Morgan has the 3 D’s of failure: Discourage, Doubt, and Darrah. She was told that she’d be voted out that night, and she showed the same emotion she has while preparing a body for a funeral. Ryan called someone a sleepy head. This can mean only one thing. He’s gay. The order seems obvious making Darrah the next one to be gone. If Morgan keeps losing, I wonder if the producers adapted their game plan. We’ll see.
Is there anyone that doesn’t want Jon to drown? I’m not sure if it was Darrah or Marijuana that knocked him in the water. It could have been both, but it doesn’t matter. He got woman-handled. Last week he hung the ballerina shoes. This week he should host a Pampered Chef party. He’s annoying to have to listen to and watch, for example; wet dream about treasure, ghetto Christmas, painted Ken doll, blah, blah, blah! When he gets voted off, I hope he remembers all the alliances he thought he had. At tribal council, he was confident that Burton was getting ousted which explains his idiotic responses and behavior. It was like watching Revenge of the Nerds Part 24. You know, the one where the nerds get thrown into the water by the girls and then vote out the normal people.
Do any of you have a student or child who screws up everything they ever come close to touching? Out of desperation, you praise them for putting their name at the top of the paper or for putting their shoes on the correct feet. Well that was Jeff last night during the reward challenge. Morgan was getting their butts kicked…again!! Jeff said, “You’re still in it! Way not to quit!” My favorite was when Osten failed his team…again!! Jeff sent Ryan and Andrew to save him and said, “Great teamwork!” Ryan said if they could catch a fish, it would be a huge moral boost. What would his morale be if he knew the number of fish that rot at Drake because they are too stuffed to eat. Nobody at Morgan has ever gone to the beach, or at least played in the sand. Anyone who has ever built a sand castle, sand fort, or large breasted mermaid knows that they never survive the night. This group of inbreeds think they can pile up the sand and protect themselves from the relentlessly pounding waves. Good luck Morgan. With a numbers advantage, Drake might think they can pick off more strong players, which could ultimately hurt of help their chances. I still like Darrah or Jon for my next picks to be gone.
“Darrah, Get it down. Swallow. Come on Christa, Gulp it down.” I know what you’re thinking: Your kid won’t take their medicine. Yeah, me too. When I listen to Jonny Fair-Play I want to take an oar, paddle, or large chunk of cheese and beat his peanut sized brain into a bleeding clam – brain of nitwit smoothie. I call that “Tim’s Choice.” I’m sure that a Neanderthal could figure out a rudder in five or six seconds. Maybe ten seconds if he was a dummy. I couldn’t think of words that describe what an idiot Jon is so I looked in the thesaurus. Here are just a few choice words: moron, simpleton, meathead, dope, imbecile, ass, babbler, dunderhead, numskull, and my favorite: nincompoop. On Jon’s behalf, I did agree with his assessment of Michelle. She’s the one that blew the immunity challenge by not drinking slowly in the preliminary round and not acting enough to get picked for the finals. It seems like some of these people truly don’t grasp what they are doing or competing for in this show. It was funny when Darrah said that there was no chance of her ever dating Jon.
Ruppert was fishing with Ryan O., and they did an interview with Ryan. He said that, “We decided, according to Ruppert, that we should move the camp.” I understood this completely because there are many things I decide according to my wife. For example, the other day I decided to fold laundry instead of watching football, and every night I decide to sleep with the thermostat six degrees too high. I thought that Ruppert was in a bind when taken by Morgan. He finds a way to turn his crap into gold. He fixes their camp, catches their fish, helps win a reward challenge, proves his value, and quickly returns to his team to show loyalty. At council he states his disagreement with throwing the challenge, and I’m thinking, “What are you doing? Shut up!” He goes on to speak of the valuable experience and how he discovered their weaknesses. I’m sure that all the puppies in his tribe are thinking how important Ruppert is to them. I’d still vote him off in a heartbeat. I liked when he said the Morgan tribe works very hard at not working. I really hope Jon goes next. He’s far worse than the skateboarder from Thailand.
If you’re thinking that Trish deserved to go because she’s a backstabbing liar…you’re right. However I saw an honest side of her last night. For example, after hitting one of the targets in the cannon shooting challenge she said, “It wasn’t the one I was aiming for.” I probably wouldn’t have admitted that. The second example was at tribal council when she was questioned regarding how Ruppert felt about people wanting him gone. She said, “I had no idea he felt that way.” This statement is in fact true because she didn’t know that her plot got back to him, and she didn’t know she was the one out of the loop. This was obvious in her facial expression following Sandra’s rant about the most unsuspecting person being booted off the island.
It’s a shame that Morgan is starving and Drake is eating Surf and Turf. Wait a second…It’s a shame that I don’t eat Surf and Turf. I’d like to be on the show just so I can start eating a little better. I’m sick of the recipes my wife gets from Weight Watchers magazine. When I watch Survivor, it’s always nice to see some skin, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. However, this group has so many mosquito bites they look like they have measles. It’s disgusting, and Christa is the worse. What happened to her face? Before it was just painful to listen to her, now I can’t stand looking at her. My normal motto is: Skin to Win. My new motto is: Cover that disgusting bumpy red skin with some clothing before you make us all sick.
Jon had another idiotic moment doing his little rhyme when holding up Ruppert’s name at council. The thought that his alliance had abandoned him hopefully made him realize how stupid he sounded during his poem. Maybe not. Here are two reasons why I don’t want Jon to be an ambassador. Yelling and screaming at everyone for not working is bad diplomacy, and telling the other tribe that they didn’t really win the one challenge because he threw it might not win him the Nobel Peace Prize. With Jon’s perceived alliance broken apart, will he continue to be a loud mouth idiot? Balboa is dead, Ruppert is sad, Shawn has no compassion for either, and Darrah is a hick.
Osten has got to be one of the most worthless people to ever be on the show. Here is a list why:
1. He’s afraid of pelicans
2. He doesn’t go in the water
3. He doesn’t go in the jungle
4. He doesn’t cook
5. He is a quitter
6. He’s whiny
7. He can’t swim
8. He can’t lift as much weight as Christa
9. He doesn’t do any work
10. He stops giving any effort when his team is losing
11. He seeks sympathy by telling everyone he wants to quit
I cant’ believe he took Bob W.’s or my spot on the show. Where is the justice in this world? I’m glad Jeff pointed out that Christa not only lasted longer than big strong Osten, but she also had more weight. They keep Osten because he is strong, but I haven’t seen him do anything that would make me want to keep him. I hope the next one to go is either Jon or Osten.
Wow! Holy Mackerel! Geez Louise! I don’t even know where to begin. If last night’s show didn’t blow you away, check your pulse. Osten is one of the all-time losers. In terms of politics, he’s Al Gore. In terms of fraternities, he’s a depledge. In terms of baseball, he’s Bill Buckner. In terms of football, he’s the Buffalo Bills. In terms of cartoons, he’s Charlie Brown. In terms of boxing, he’s Paul Spadafora. In terms of comics, he’s The Born Loser. In terms of journalism, he’s Geraldo Rivera opening the empty vault. In terms of style, he’s anyone who wears their pants half way down their butts. Wait a second…he does. In terms of music, he’s any rapper or country singer. In terms of people who have to do what their wives say, he’s me. I hope he feels shame for the rest of his life, and I hope that I wasn’t the next one in line to get picked. He said, “I can only go as far as my body can go.” His one eye must have given out because the whole time he was talking to Jeff at council he had one eye closed. He must think his only asset is “his body.” What ever happened to mind over matter? Perhaps his steroid built body couldn’t function without his regular dose of juice. I mean really. How else could such a wimp get that big?
A close second on the loser list is Jon. In the same show he said that he wouldn’t forgive or forget, and later he questioned whether Ruppert would forgive and forget the council vote. I can’t believe he called the people voted off losers. He obviously hasn’t spent any time with Osten. While watching Jon argue with Shawn I remembered reading about the rules of Survivor: If any tribe member hits another member, they are gone. This gives a lot of power to a skinny A-hole like Jon because he knows he can say whatever he wants. If they were on the streets of Pittsburgh, he would have gotten shot by Spadafora, or even worse, pissed on. Sandra had a funny idea when she suggested that they each defend their wish to stay. I think they voted for Shawn rather than Jon because Shawn has an infinitely greater chance of winning individual immunity when the tribes merge two weeks from now. Where was Shawn when Jeff explained that the two from the Outcast tribe would have immunity at their first council? And why don’t these tribes take their boats out a couple hundred yards off the coast and kill a whale?
Why, oh why did the tribes have to merge? The hopes of all Survivor fans were crushed last night because we all thought that Johnny Curly-Hair was finally going home. Gail has him in our pool, and she wants him gone. If he goes on to win, Gail said she would donate the money to the “Beat-the-crap-out-of-Jon” crusade. The tribe probably made the right decision voting out Andrew because he’s a threat for individual immunity. The only immunity challenge Jon could ever win would have something to do with making an ass out of himself. I had some satisfaction watching Jon run into the post on the challenge deck. This was before he gave up like a typical loser. With the four votes he’s definitely on the chopping block. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.
Listening to the outcasts plead their cases for another chance was a cliché clinic. I was waiting for someone to say something about winning one for the Gipper. Nicole’s effort was an interesting one. She wanted another chance to get back and speak her mind. This is a good strategy considering how well it worked the first time. The only chance for an outcast to win will depend on winning individual immunities. Burton was the only obvious choice. Skinny Ryan – No way! Trish – Forget it! Michelle – I don’t think so! Nicole – See above. Lil – 9 out of 10 days no, but….her passionate speech about provin’ them sons a bitches wrong was reminiscent of a Patton speech. I wouldn’t expect her to get anywhere, but she’d get my vote.
Once they merged it was a feeding frenzy as everyone started jockeying for position and new alliances. Savage was talking to Lil, and Ruppert was standing behind Savage shaking his head in disapproval. It was nice to see Lil speak her mind to Savage and not have to deal with him anymore. When Burton was talking to Lil he said, “If you vote with us, I think we can go far.” Lil replied, “Really?” Let me take you back to what I wrote in Survivor Amazon: I was reminded of Heidi asking Dave last week, “What would you do if you were me?” Dave replied, “I would definitely join us.” I think Lil has just dropped to the level of Heidi. Drake should have the distinct advantage of being able to pick off one Morgan person each week barring any other twists. What does everyone think?
I guess I should get this out of the way. My guy is gone, and my only satisfaction will be watching Jon and Christa get their torches extinguished. There’s more to come on these two later. Ryan gave it a good ride and was gracious in the end, but he was a victim of circumstance. He got into a tribe with a hick that likes dead people, a scout leader that can’t tie a knot, and a muscular sissy. He was doomed from the start. So I’m out $10. I would pay ten times that for a sling shot, a tub of marbles, and a half hour of target practice with Jon running around the beach.
You might think that Jon is a loser, but he’s much worse. His hand motions, his goofy looking lips and teeth make him a worthy target for the sling shot challenge. If you’re going to miss the target by as much as some of these clowns, you might as well take a shot at the village idiot. Jon missing the target and eliminating himself provided the line of the night from Jeff. “One more challenge Jon cannot finish.” Everyone hates him on the show and across America, but he thinks he’s got it all figured out according to his plan and his alliances. The only reason he’s staying alive is because he poses no threat to anyone in anyway. He’s the dream person to be with you at the very end because not only would he get zero votes, he would get negative votes.
Christa isn’t much better. In the immunity challenge there was a question about how “cat of nine tails” were used. The answers were A.) cooking B.) torture or C.) mending tools. So Christa picked D.) I’m an idiot. If that wasn’t enough, when the final question was about “pieces of eight” she didn’t know it was gold. Everyone in America knew what it was because five minutes earlier Jeff told everyone what it was. Maybe she was in the bathroom. To her credit, she won the “Hit your nametag with a marble” contest. This is an old Pirate variation to hitting the plate targets.
I’ve liked Marijuana, I mean Tijuana for the entire time, but she had some real “winner” comments last night. She thinks the other tribe works more than necessary, yet is impressed with the amount of food they now get to eat compared to before the merge. Is there an effort-outcome relationship at work here? She also said that since the merge, “I don’t feel like I have the personal freedom to be who I am.” She must think she’s Anne Frank in the early 1940’s. If you don’t know who that is, you probably think Christa is really smart. Anne Frank is the little Jewish girl that hid in a secret room during Nazi Germany. Do you see the analogy? Anyway, she’ll have a little more freedom in the next few weeks when Darrah and she get voted off the island.
How about that snake eating the iguana? I feel bad that Rupert was voted off the island, but I think he just might be a certified psycho. He was talking to himself, mumbling, trying to find that one comfortable position on the rock. I started thinking. This Troubled Teen Counselor needs a Troubled Survivor Counselor. I’m glad this was TV and not HBO because seeing his manhood slide down the sail might have resulted in me seeing a counselor. Sandra’s poor aim in the immunity challenge didn’t seem significant at the time. However, if Sandra had not hit Rupert’s target he could have possibly won immunity, and the game could have been completely different. When it came right down to it, the only reason Lil voted for Rupert was because he finished off the water canteen and handed it to her and told her to fill it woman.
Lil kept the reward for herself, so what. It’s nothing to cry about. When my wife and I split a dessert, I always eat faster so that I get more. What’s wrong with thinking of yourself? Lil said that simple things make her excitable. Skin cream? Bug spray? While fishing with Jon she asked, “What happens if I get one?” Can this truly be a scout leader? When she kissed Burton, he was thinking the last time he had been kissed by a Scout Leader was when he was 10, and he was told to keep it a secret. When Jeff passed the pizza and beer down the row, I noticed Jon was the second person in line and the beer was half gone, or half full for you positive sissies. Jon said that promises are broken like a fat woman in a wicker chair. If he’s going to use goofy expressions he should at least say them correctly. It’s not the fat woman that’s broken, it’s the wicker chair. He should have said…well, I’m sure you get it.
I don’t know if Burton made a wise move in getting rid of Rupert. On one hand, he could have coasted a few more weeks under Rupert’s umbrella and not been the target. He is now the #1 target on everyone’s hit list. On the other hand, he may win the million. 1.) He has the strongest two person alliance with Lil because of the whole castaway thing. 2.) Who is going to beat him in any mental or physical challenge? 3.) Who’s going to fish? There is not a single girl there thinking that she can take over the fishing duties if they vote off Burton. Jon and Lil spent a day fishing with professionals and didn’t catch a thing. On the third hand, he may lose in the finals because people are bitter that he was given a second chance and won’t vote for him. There’s so much strategy involved here. Don’t you just love it?
I liked the immunity challenge obstacle course. It would be fun to have one of those in my yard. Watching Jon forget to ring the bell was a typical screw-up, but watching Darrah take the time to ring the bell twice just makes me shake my head. Perhaps she had time to spare, or maybe she just likes the sound of a ringing bell. She might be out next week. Fortunately for us the excitement level of the show won’t be hurt any. She is as thrilling as eating melted vanilla ice cream in solitary confinement. It’s no wonder she wants to be a mortician. She doesn’t want anyone to upstage her dynamic personality.
I think this show was one of the best episodes I’ve seen. False accusations, devious plots, and the rescinding of a reward made this show a memorable one. You know that Sandra felt a little uncomfortable watching this episode with her family and friends. Everyone wanted to know where the fish was. They should have put the C.S.I. people on the case. It was certainly dark enough for them to do their job. Did you ever notice that they’re always looking for clues in the dark? I actually emailed CBS and told them to turn some lights on, and they would solve the crimes faster. Anyway, I’m on the wrong show. All they had to do was follow the crabs. When her husband came on the show her first words were, “Ixnay on the ishfay.” That’s pig latin…I think. It was a crummy thing to do, but who am I to judge? I would have taken one of them and put it in Jon’s stuff.
When the show was over two things were confirmed in my mind. Jonny is gay, and he’s a genius. Now you’re thinking no way. It took the whole show? Well it was much sooner actually. Let’s start with gay. He’s feminine, he’s a terrible athlete, he sits with his legs crossed, he picked a guy to be his person to visit the island, he’s an art student, and they have pet names for each other: Jonny Fairplay and Thunder D. Any one thing might not be reason enough to think he’s gay…other than the leg crossing, but taken altogether, he’s a flamer. As far as genius, that might be quite a stretch. Genius can take many forms, and his cunning grandma ploy was a brilliant move. I can proudly say that as soon as He asked about his grandma, I told my wife he was lying. I don’t know nothing about nothing, but when it comes to strategy and cunning, I’m the king. When I watched this section again, I had time to analyze the conversation. Thunder D almost blew it because he said, “Huh?” and Fairplay had to repeat, “How’s Grandma?” Thunder D said, “She died. Didn’t you get the letter?” Where would he have sent the letter? Where would Fairplay have gotten it? Sea mail? Tree mail? Fairplay asked, “What happened to her?” Thunder D replied, “She’s not around.” That was a brilliant answer. It took an absolutely dastardly plan and the sympathy of a bunch of saps to get him the only victory he’s ever seen in his life. He didn’t win a car, a trip, or food, just a night with Thunder D. Well, if the shelter is a rockin’ don’t bother knockin’.
The answers for the reward challenge were quite interesting. Tijuana and her high school lover weren’t connecting on the nickname question. Her name was Tijuana, she called herself Tia, but everyone knew her as Marissa. Does that remind you of the Beatle’s lyrics: Her name was Magill. She called herself Lil, but everyone knew her as Nancy. I’m going to miss marijuana. She actually seemed like a good person. And the body!!! I was glad to see her lover do a cannon ball. Lil’s husband did a cannon ball, and didn’t even have to bend his body. Darrah and Bradley the Boyfriend were much worse. Nickname: Nubnut and DJ. Strike One. Dream career: modeling and nurse. Strike two. Favorite meal: meat and potatoes or cornbread and milk…cornbread and milk???? Strike three. It just wasn’t their day.
The immunity challenge threw everyone with all those demanding rules like no plurals-Tijuana and proper spelling-Christa, Jon, and Burton. Congratulations to Darrah on her outstanding lack of competition. Talk about a blind squirrel. I think the tribe’s gutless decision not to get rid of Burton when the opportunity was there will solidify his chances to go all the way. Will Darrah be next, or do the girls get rid of the guys? – You know what I mean. I can’t wait to see.
I just can’t believe that Burton hasn’t been voted off the island. For two shows Sandra and Krista have talked about how they are going to get rid of him the first chance they get. Well, their second chance just came and went. Maybe they think a cast away will never be given the million. Guess what ladies? You’ve practically handed him the $100,000. When Lil was asking Burton about their cast away alliance, he said, “I’m not having thoughts.” Is it visions? Does he have a Ouiji board? I kind of know that women are just as intelligent as men, but not on this island. They couldn’t plan the making of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
The reward challenge had a random draw. Yet somehow one guy was on each team and they were both randomly picked for the third leg of the race. Interesting! Burton looked over at Jonny and started thinking about what he would order for dinner that night. Jonny looked over at Burton and started thinking he has a great body. If you didn’t believe me last week about Jonny, Sandra said he is just like a girl. That’s a polite way to say gay. Unfortunately for Burton, Sandra smacked herself on the dock, couldn’t untie the oar, and decided to go on a Survivor show without being a good swimmer.
There was a great deal of underwater hooter shots. The thought occurred to me that sooner or later some disgruntled film editor is going to make some money letting this stuff out on the internet. I’m not saying it will sell, because some of the footage was Lil in her granny underwear, but there were some decent shots. Lil at least took off her pants to make her faster in the water, unlike Sandra who would wear a snowsuit if she had one. I’m sure the hotel visit was awesome. They didn’t go swimming because the pool water wasn’t as clean as the ocean water. Lil said the cucumbers help your skin. That’s not the only thing cucumbers are good for. Jon said he had extensive fine food knowledge. He ordered steak, cheeseburgers, and chicken fingers. That’s like me saying I have extensive knowledge of our galaxy because I can point out the Big Dipper, and I draw stars at the top of spelling tests. He said he is a great date. Yeah, for a bunch of 10 year olds at Chuck ‘E’ Cheese. He said the reward was good for recuperating from his war wounds. If his wounds were as extensive as the hits his targets took during the immunity challenge, he should have recuperated quickly. He is the only one that didn’t hit a target. Even Krista, who tried holding the gun like it was a cake at a birthday party, hit one target. She said she never shot a gun before. This might be true, but I wonder if she’s ever watched TV, been to the movies, or been to the inner city.
Krista was worried about Darrah winning immunity because Darrah was a cheerleader and could hang in there for a long time. I realize that cheerleaders have that special way they clasp their hands when they clap, but how will this take her far in the game? Maybe there will be a sub sale. Lil said she better win the immunity challenge because it was the only thing that can save her. If she thinks her ability to win immunity is her best chance, she better hope for something more probable, like disease or famine. Will the girls get together and make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or will Burton and Jon continue picking them off one by one? We’ll see. Any ideas?
When I look at Lil’s legs, (I’m not trying to) I think that I’m buying chicken legs and thighs. The kind that have just had the feathers plucked off. It is gross!! I get the willies just thinking about them. I don’t how hungry the Survivors are, but I can tell you one thing for sure: The mosquitoes aren’t going hungry. Once again she impressed me with her Boy Scout abilities when she had no idea how to line up two ropes using coordinates. I wonder if her scout troop bakes cookies and knits scarves. Her troop is thinking, “Man, we need a new leader.” She blames it on menopause, but I blame it on the physical, mental, and chemical changes a woman goes through when the menstruation cycle naturally comes to an end in a woman’s life.
At the reward challenge Jeff said to Darrah, “back to back it’s been on your….back. He didn’t want to repeat the word back but couldn’t think of another thing to say. This reminded me of Austin Powers talking to Fat Bastard and saying, “You bastard who is….fat!” It was not a wise decision to take Jon on the reward to Panama. They needed to divide and conquer. Instead, he united the girls and sentenced himself to the jury. They ate well and got to sleep together, an extra bonus for Jonny. When they were laying in the Envoy Burton was on top of the covers and Jonny was underneath. Jonny did this in order to not reveal himself. If you know what I mean. As Al Pacino said in Scarface, “Say hello to my little friend.”
I wouldn’t want to be an enemy of Sandra, and I definitely wouldn’t want to be around her when she’s reading her monthly periodical. Her plans of sabotage are almost comical to me. Getting rid of the fish, hiding supplies, and giving everyone some fresh onions from Chi Chi’s were just a few of her plans. She seemed to be much more intelligent from what I previously thought. In fact she was smart enough to know that she didn’t want to get burned a third time.
Burton had some serious marbles when he said he hoped Lil would be able to live with herself. This was about 45 seconds after he had just written her name to vote her out. Can you believe that? He said in the interview this morning that she had betrayed him first, and that’s why he voted for her. B.S!! He didn’t know for sure about her intention because Lil told him she didn’t know who to vote for just like he had told her three days earlier. They went to Sandra because they thought she would be easier to sway for the third vote. When Burton was leaving council Rupert and Krista were thrilled.
It might come down to Sandra and Jonny in the finals. Lil isn’t going to win immunity. She’ll be lucky if she even finds her way to the next immunity challenge. They’ll vote her off because she’s NICE! Nice people don’t finish first, unless you’re me. Hey, I’m nice!
If I was in the Pearl Islands I would have won, and Rupert looks like Saddam Hussein coming out a spider hole. They started the show with a mimosa toast, and Lil asked Jeff if he wanted to join a boy scout troop. Jeff thought, “Yes, but not yours.” He gave them letters. It was too bad that the boy scouts didn’t send Lil a letter bomb. In the most annoying fashion, Lil read hers out loud. I don’t know why. Maybe the camera man wanted to hear what her husband was doing. Probably having the time of his life. She looked like she was blowing her nose in the letter. Skinny Ryan could have used her letters when he had all that snot dripping from his nose during the flashbacks. Tribal council was an immunity where they had to choose answers about the islands and pirates. Sandra was cute because she marked her answers with an X when she got them wrong. There were many. The question that stuck out was about the best way to avoid a shark attack. I thought this was a trick question because “stay out of water” sounds silly, but was the most obvious answer. If Jeff had said no, I would have argued with him. Sadly, Jonny was the only person to get it. More sadly, it occurred to me that Jonny thinks like me. Throughout the show we got to hear deep thoughts from Lil just like “Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey” on Saturday Night Live. They were equal in quality. She was talking in the third person like she was a professional athlete, or boy scout, or the guy in the Budweiser commercials that says there aint no me in team either.
Fairplay had some ridiculous statements. Here we go: 1.) “I was the strongest player, and I made it as far as I could.” On what is he basing this strength? He won nothing on his own, and they kept him around because he was so weak. 2.) “Physical or mental, I can beat any of them.” He lost to a 51 year old lady in a balancing competition. 3.) “Sure.” This was his response to Sandra and Lil telling him to get out of here. He hit rock bottom at this point. 4.) “The question is for Jeff, and I vote none of the above.” Even if this statement made sense, his attempt at being funny was so lame I wanted to smack him for insulting the world of humor.
After winning her one and only challenge Lil had a choice to make. She could take Sandra or Jonny to the finals. Fortunately for America, Jeff didn’t let her make this decision on her own. He practically picked Jonny for her by telling her why he shouldn’t win. It almost didn’t work because she still couldn’t decide: Jonny, Sandra, Jonny, Sandra, Oh hell I pick Jondra. During the show she claimed to have skills and strategy rather than kindness????? I don’t even know what to write at this point. Oh wait, she’s a better squatter than the gay boy. Once the show is done some players find their way into Playboy. I hope Lil never considers Playgeezer. When Jonny came back to the jury with his brown mustache, he looked like a cross between a porn star and Mike Brady.
A great line came from Jeff at the beginning of the show when he said, “Jon and three women in bed…another first.” The funniest line of the night was when Burton asked each person to rate themselves 1 to 10 in their survival ability. Lil said, “7, I can make fire with no matches, and I can obtain water.” Yes, they are called gas stoves and polar water tanks.
It’s been a pleasure watching the show and writing my weekly blurb. I hope everyone finds some humor here and there. If I ever offend anyone, just remember one thing: If I wasn’t offending someone, I wouldn’t have anything to write about. The All Star show starts after the Super Bowl. I look forward to it. Take care and have a Merry Christmas!
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