Survivor Satire

Thailand

This is where it all began.  At first I was doing quick emails to 15 other people in our pool.  Before I knew it, I was adding people to the list every week.  The first couple of summaries took me five minutes.  It takes a lot longer now.  I would tell you how long, but I don't want you thinking I'm wasting my time.  That would crush my ego.

Erin is probably Irish, so she won’t survive without potatoes and beer.  Ghandia is a legal secretary who will miss her brief.  Is this a girl?  Helen –Naval swim instructor – She’s probably a butch, but she’ll drown.  Jan – Teacher – Those who can’t do…teach.  Penny –Pharmaceutical Sales – drug addict.   Shii Ann – This is Cathey's girl.  Cathey hasn’t won anything since the 1^st grade “Get in Line Quick Contest”   Stephanie – fire fighter – 9/11 sympathy contestant, but she’s a chick.  Tanya –Social Worker- This is only above Public Relations for College Majors.  Brian –Used Car Salesman – Used Cars, Need I say more?  Clay – Sounds Gay  Jed –Dental Student- I hope he’s not from West Virginia.  John – Pastor – God might save him from Hell, but not from elimination.  Ken – NYC Police Officer – another 9/11 sympathy getter.  He’s got potential… see Stephanie.  Robb – Bartender – drunk, forget it!  Ted – His pornographic software development will have him disqualified.  Jake – Land broker – Now that’s what I’m talking about.  He’s got all the potential.  You can’t stop him.  You can only hope to contain him!!  He’ll get his million, and I’ll get my $160.

I can’t believe I have the old guy.  I’m screwed!!  I have a few thoughts about last night’s show.  If you missed it, they will show it again Saturday at nine.  Here we go: Robb – Nice piercings, Where are you going to ride that skateboard Loser?  Skinnie Dipping Stephanie – What’s your number?  Tanya – The Queen of the porcelain throne, in this case the sandy throne.  Shii Ann – The She-devil walked away… maybe she was saving her horns for later.  Chuay Gahn tribe paddling their boat in the wrong direction.  You’ve got to be kidding.  Ghandia – she handled that puzzle with all the expertise of the three stooges fixing a leaky faucet.  That’s a borrowed Dennis Miller joke.  I love that one!!!  I don’t know his name, but I’m going to call him Captain Cliché.  “It’s all about love.” And “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”  Does he have a thought of his own?  John, John, John!!!  You are Gone, Gone, Gone!!!  I told you that God wouldn’t save him, especially from this group of heathens.  Phil, That’s too bad, but at least you get your ten bucks back.  The real loser will be next week.  I’m betting on She-devil, The Puzzle Wizard, or the Puker!

What can I say?  I told you Tanya would be next.  Chris, you might be proud of yourself about the Olympics, but back to reality.  You lost!!!  I don’t care if my Old Man Jake bites it now because I didn’t want to be first one to go without Julie’s kind gift of reimbursement.  By the way, you two better not be cooking the books.  I have friends at Price-Waterhouse.  Let’s move onto last night’s show.  It was rather non-eventful.  Helen has some nasty teeth.  She needs to get those clowns on her team in line.  Just don’t give her a gun.  Helen and Jan going for water was like Skipper and Gilligan taking a “Three Hour Tour.”  Tanya and Jan the hook was ten feet down, not 100.  Chuay Gahn can’t sing.  They had all the harmony of 7 vo-tech students trying out for their high school musical.  I can’t believe Stephanie and Jed not helping build the shelter.  Then he has the nerve to get under it when the rain came.  This will come back to haunt him.  Next week’s picks for being ousted:  1.) Stephanie-sick, not meshing with the group 2.) Jed-not a team player 3.) Puzzle wizard isn’t getting smarter, and her hooter strategy isn’t going to work on anyone.  4.)  She Devil is trying to recover a little, but she’s still a possibility.

Boring!  Well, except for Erin eating a banana.  Yummy!!  Let’s talk about Ghandia.  She doesn’t understand all the tension.  IT’S YOUR FAULT!!  You had multiple gropings of Ted’s thigh, you tell the tribe to use your hooters as a distraction strategy, and you walk around the camp naked.  You have the nerve to say, “He touched me.”  You also said, “I’m not playin’ the blame game.”  Then you said they’re not cooking, they’re not cleaning, they’re just sitting around, etc. waa, waa, waa.  I have got to say that putting the Puzzle Wizard in charge of the tanagram was like putting someone with Turrets in charge of a Public Address system. Well, enough of her.  Good riddance.  She said, “Peace out.”  I say, “Idiot out.”  Helen said, “Sometimes you gotta swallow some of that.”  What IS that?  Jan – Wow you are wrinkled.  It’s time to retire. Also, chew with your mouth closed.  Clay – When you’re at tribal council, don’t tell everyone how weak, tired, and hungry you are.  You’re not going to get any swing votes after comments like that.  I don’t know about all of you, but I think that Ted is going to make a move next week on Chuay Gal.  She’s hot!  With the probable misleading show ending I don’t know what’s going to happen with next week’s ousting.  If the tribes stay in tact I say Shii Ann first, Stephanie second, Robb third, and for Chuay Gahn - Jan.

The fish sorting challenge was so exciting I don’t know what to write.  OK, I’ll try.  It took an absolutely stupid challenge for the Chuay GONE losers to win one.  I like the way the host threw it in the face of Robb.  Speaking of which, the big accident…whippee!!  Big deal.  It had nothing to do with the offer to switch tribes like the previews had you believe.  Shii Devil might be a repulsive eater, but she was eating the most nutritious parts of that chicken.  How about Shii Devil saying, “I really like this tribe, and I feel really comfortable here.”  You are history soon.  Playing the minority card was egregious.  You will be booted because you’re a loser, not a minority.  Your tribe is something else.  Now that you lost your boat and your net, the only thing left is for your cave to collapse.  Ted can’t keep the beat to Helen’s song.  Ted also said, “I had her… nice and secure.”  Was he talking about Ghandia or the boat?  Now that Ghandia is gone and so is Chuay Gal, did anyone notice that Ted made a move on Brian with a big fat smoochie smooch.  Captain Cliché was at it again on his boat ride with Ted, but they were coming out of his mouth so fast I couldn’t write them down.  At the food auction they were asked, “What rhymes with nachos?”  Helen said, “Tacos.” No wait, the question was, “What goes with nachos.”  Sorry, my bad.  I must have made the same mistake as Helen.  I wish Jan would have stopped dancing like an idiot long enough to tell everyone what the fricken note read.  Where do you think you’re going to spend that $1000?  If the monkeys up in the trees stop laughing at you long enough, maybe they’ll open a kool aid stand.  Next week’s picks are Shii Ann, Robb, and Jan.

I didn’t like Rob, sorry Robb with two B’s from the moment I saw his skateboard, or was it his pierced lip, or was it all the tattoos? Well any ways, you’re not going home a winner.  You’re just going home.  I’ll tell you this, he sure can catch balls.  I liked that game, but Penny’s strategy of attacking the middle was lame.  How about using your timeout and free move to get back to the formation that had you catch four of the first five balls.  I can’t believe someone didn’t say, “Let’s do what worked before.”  They said Robb was MVP.  He certainly was the Most Voted Person last night.  When they were having their feast they were impressed with the music and dancers.  I might have noticed the music, but I would have wondered where it was coming from because I never would have looked up from the food.  While chugging wine I might have seen the dancers and thought, “Where did those free loading freaks come from?  They’re not getting my food.”  I liked Shii Ann saying, “You’re a really good guy,” but thinking “You’re gonna be the MVP tonight…jerk.”  When it was time to play Thai 21 Sook Jai thought:  OK, Mental challenge, out goes the mental midget.  Speaking of Thai, I love in “Meet the Parents” when Jack’s wife says, “Jack don’t talk Thai.”  And Fokker replies, “Oh yeah, Jack does talk thai. Jack talks Thai very well.”    Wow Jake!  Nice move on the chicken.  Is that where the expression “Choke your chicken” came from?  Back to Robb.  You gotta feel bad the way they kissed his butt, and then booted him off the island.  I hope this was a life changing experience for him, and he trades in his skateboard for a wagon or something.  On to Chuay GONE.  If anyone else has a gutter mind even close to mine, let me repeat what Brian said last night.  “Ted and I have a very strong relationship.” Yeah, we know you do.  We saw you making out last week.  Finally, Jan and her bat episode.  She is a PSYCHO!!!  When I was in fifth grade, I did a Mexican Hat Dance on a bunch of ants at recess.  My teacher yelled at me and taught me two lessons. One was about the sanctity of life, and the second lesson was if you’re going to kill something, kill it in the privacy of your own home.  I’m sure Jake understands what I’m talking about.  If he would have seen some bats, the chicken wouldn’t have been the only thing with a broken neck.  Next week’s picks with no merge:  Shii Ann and Jan.  If they merge, I still will go with Jan because she is a psycho, and she’s really wrinkly, and she’s not Erin.

I thought the show started slowly last night, but it turned out to be one of my favorites.  This is what I loved:  The spider eating that caterpillar, Magilla the Monkey eating their food, and the absolute best was when Jeff said, “I didn’t say anything about a merger.”  The look in Shii Devil’s eyes was priceless!!!!!   She thought, “Oh ----!  Hey everybody, Do you remember what I said earlier?  I was just kidding.  Remember, I was the one who said I love this tribe, and I feel real comfortable here.”  I might have to rank her as a bigger loser than Robb.  I told you Cathey  wouldn’t win.  At least she still has her “Line up Quietly” contest memories.  There is so much to say about the She Devil.  Here are six: 1.) You have a big mouth.  2.) It’s not about your race.  3.) Your tribe didn’t torture you.  4.) You are weak. 5.) You are a traitor.  And 6.) You are a terrible and clueless strategist.  Did she think that once she voted against her own tribe, Chuay Gone wouldn’t slowly pick them all off one by one.  Yes She Devil, even you.  I thought it was great at tribal council when Erin and Penny were letting her have it.  She Devil’s response was dizzying.  Enough about her.  I thought the paint on Ted looked great, but the paint on Jake looked like he was drunk when he did it.  Speaking of drunk, Jan and Brian: Stay away from the bottle!!  Brian said, “It shows I’m human.”  Let me tell you something: Nobody ever thought anything more of you, Mr. Used Car Salesman.  He said he uses a low key form of leadership.  Yes, It’s called being a follower, drone, employee, worker bee, supporter, doer, laborer, toiler, low-man on the totem pole, and first penguin to get knocked into the ice to test for predators.  When the tribes had their fake merge, what is the first thing Ted did?  Yes you got it.  He had his arm around Erin.  Hey Ted, You’re not a sailor out to sea.  It’s only been a few weeks.  Calm down!!  Next week’s picks:  I think Ken’s 9/11 sympathy is over.  He is strong enough to win plenty of individual immunity, so the larger tribe will get rid of him as soon as possible.  If he wins immunity, bye bye Penny.  She will get everyone’s vote except for Ted’s.  He isn’t going to vote any women off the island.  With the merge looming in the near future, my pick to win it all is the “Low-Key Leader.”  This pick is subject to change.

It’s like taking candy from a baby is an old expression.  Magilla the Monkey has a new one:  It’s like taking noodles from Sook Jai.  Magilla has to be thinking four things: 1) If I ever open a lemonade stand these suckers are getting price gauged.  2)  All that pee you smell is mine. 3) Wait till you find what else I left you, and 4) That big guy sure likes the ladies.   Let’s talk about Chuay Gahn.  I like when Clay said, “Just kill ‘em and eat ‘em.”  I hope he didn’t say that near Jan or her pet cemetery.  What a psycho!  The children in her class have to be praying for her to win, so she’ll never come back.  Helen said the monkey abated the camp.  No Helen, he pillaged the camp.  Abate means lower in amount, and the camp is still there despite the efforts of your tribal mates.  The immunity challenge involved going under water, breathing through a reed, and not panicking in a scary water situation.  Chuay Gahn’s strategy was to sit the Naval Swim Instructor. ??????????????   If there was a Groping challenge they would sit Ted.  If there was a Sexist Statement challenge they would sit Brian, and if there was a Bury Something Dead contest they would sit Jan.  I say a lot of sexist statements, but I’m just trying to irritate people.  Brian seems a little cowardly about it.  If anyone agrees with anything he said, please talk to my wife.  I’m tired of washing dishes.  I did like his statement about going “Stir Cavey.”  That was pretty good.  On to Sook Jai.  I liked when they were huddled together and Ken tried to reposition his hand a couple times so that it was on one of the girls.  Jake didn’t like all of Helen’s recipes.  Here’s one for you.  Take 16 people and have the two oldest divide them into two groups.   For spice make sure you include perverts, sexists, psychos, manipulators, and some cunning linguists.  Let them bicker and plot for 39 days, and voila, you have Survivor!!  I thought the absolute best line was when Penney said, “Maybe the four of us should sleep together tonight.”  I almost fell off the couch.  Jake said, “That sounds almost erotic.”  He said he was kidding.  Yeah, right!!  Penney was kissing ---.  She wanted to do Yoga with Ted.  He’s thinking – She digs me!  Then she tried to work on Jan’s wrinkles.  That’s a lost cause.  Erin told Jake, “We don’t blame you.”  No kidding, Penney was done in 9 seconds and you lasted an amazing 25 seconds.  I can hold my breath longer than that. When they killed the last chicken it was still kicking. They said it had the last minute muscle twitches of death.  I wonder if Erin had those as she walked away after tribal council.  They showed a lot of bottom shots of Erin.  I should have known she was done.  Next week’s picks.  They could still do team immunity by sitting two of Chuay Gahn.  Penney is the easy choice, so the upset special is:  Jake goes with Penney to get rid of Ken.  For Chuay, probably Jan.

Brian’s wife is hot!  I was thinking, “Oh please, please, please show something!” and “Shake it!”  What was she thinking though with the trip around the house?  Having a baby grand piano and a Cadillac in the garage isn’t going to gain any sympathy points for the used car salesman.  His business must be good, and his wife is hot!  Oh wait, I wrote that already.  If he doesn’t win, he’s going to blame her.  When he gets home, they’ll fight about it, but he’ll want to make up fast because his wife is … Anyway, let’s move onto the other videos.  I liked these because it gives me a chance to make fun of more people.  Clay’s wife dyes her hair, and Jan’s family used a camera from 1956 then transferred the footage onto video.  As Helen watched her video she was OK when she saw her husband, teary when she saw her kid, and had an emotional meltdown when she saw her cat.  What is that all about you ask?  It occurred to me that Helen’s husband’s teeth are just as bad as hers.  I didn’t see the kid’s teeth, but you know how that whole gene thing works.  The cat has the only decent set of teeth in the family.  I have more for Helen.  She was waving her hand over herself the one night when Sook Jai returned.  Here’s a standard formula for life:  Hand waving + sudden moving away from a location = NASTY GAS!  I wonder if they had to edit the sound on that footage.  I don’t know what’s worse… Helen Crocker’s recipes or Jake Nugent’s hunting stories.  I wish both would shut up!  On the positive side for Helen, I was impressed that she knew the words to the song the Thailand Band was playing in the background.  Jake and Jan were paired for the reward challenge.  Wow, what a team!  Now there’s a dynasty in the making.  Did anyone notice Ted’s yellow tooth?  Yuck!  I hope Dental Student Jed handed out some business cards before he got cut.  Jan said she hates when there’s cleavage leaking out.  We can only hope they’re not as wrinkled as her face.  I liked the immunity challenge.  I thought Ken was going to destroy Clay.  I can’t believe how bad Ken was at that challenge.  Luckily for Ken, there aren’t little sand piles in the streets of New York.  I hope that when the dispatcher gives him directions, they also draw him little pictures.  He would have done better if he just started digging up every pile he saw.  Jake will be voted out next.  His little strategy to turn Chuay Gahn against itself has about as much chance as Ghandia ever solving a puzzle.  After the home video, I’d say Brian is a long shot to win.  Clay’s odds might be climbing a little, but I’d have to say that after everyone in the tribe watched the videos, they might be pulling for Helen to win the cash and have her family’s teeth fixed.

Last night a spider caught my attention when I saw it making a web in the corner above my T.V.  When Survivor was over I realized that I had watched the spider more than the show.  The show wasn’t that interesting, so I might have to grasp for commentary.  At the first challenge, I had to laugh when Jake started running without a partner.  Where did he think he was going?  He was as confused as a gifted kid starting a new project.  I thought Ted was going to cry when Clay helped Brian over the wall.  He said, “I could have done that by myself.”  That wasn’t the point, Stupid!  When Brian didn’t pick him for the trip, I saw a tear in his eye.  He was thinking Brian was my friend.  We even kissed.  I guess he figured Brian dumped him, so Ted kissed Clay and grabbed Clay’s butt.  That must have thrilled Clay because he was focusing a little too much on butts.  First it was Brian’s and then he couldn’t help commenting on the elephant’s butt.  When they showed the elephant, I’ll bet everyone’s first thought was about the Pittsburgh Elephant Trainer.  Maybe you’re like Clay, and your first thought was the elephant had a nice butt.  Maybe you’re sick and thought crush Clay, crush Clay.  Alright, that was insensitive.  You thought crush both, crush both!  At Tribal Council, Jake’s desperation speech had Clay’s eyes rolling, and had me thinking there goes my chance of winning the cash.  Jeff asked Penny if she thought deception was alright.  Her reply… It depends on how and when you’re deceiving.  Now there’s someone you want selling you pharmaceuticals! I wish the guy that did my taxes thought like her.  With Penny’s elimination, this group just keeps getting older and uglier by the week.  As Penny was leaving council, do you think Ken and Erin say, “Hey, wait up.  Let’s grab a beer.”?  Jake has got to be next.  If the Chuay Gahn remnants are going to vote both Penny and Jake, why would they want to spend an additional three days with Jake?  Even if Brian makes it to the end the jury will never give the money to him.  This makes me think it might come down to Helen and Jan.

Do you think Helen and her husband did it in the Honeymoon tent?  Or maybe on the canoe?  Maybe they got Magilla the Monkey involved for a three way.  Anyway, I was hoping CiCi would win, so that my imagination could have run wild.  She didn’t even start the beetle.  She must be having an affair.  Follow me on this.  Every other spouse gobbled down everything they could because they miss their loved one so much.  Not Cici.  She’s been satisfied.  She’s been getting it from Jeff the host.  Did you notice she barely had time to put on her clothes.  After Jeff saw her on the video, he wanted some kind of challenge where they could have family members come to the island and assist their loved one.  I feel bad for Jake’s wife.  She ate everything and got the same result as Cici.  Jake is writing a letter to his wife from Thailand.  I don’t think he realizes that he’ll be home and retired before that letter gets to his wife.  When he didn’t win immunity he had to be thinking, “I’ll see you at the hotel tonight Jenny.”  Back to Helen.  She said that it takes about ten canisters to fill the big water jug.  It would only take 5, if you didn’t spill so much.  Her husband was thinking that, and he wanted to tell her, but he didn’t want to start a fight.  What on earth were Ted and his brother saying to each other.  I think it was all grunts, groans, and a few Oh yeah’s.  This is a summary of Clay and his wife:  I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.  ENOUGH ALREADY!!!  At council Ken had a big smile on his face.  He likes this jury racket.  Now that Jake is on the Jury they can finally all sleep together.  Now that my guy is out, my will to watch the show continues to diminish.  Clay is out next.  I still say that Brian, Clay, or Ted won’t win a jury vote.

When the show started last night, I thought I was watching Animal Planet, and I thought cool!!  Jeff had his hands in front of his chest as he said, “You are playing for a nice big Thai meal.”  I thought he was going to say nice big tits.  As Jeff was explaining the reward challenge I thought they weren’t getting it.  They looked like they all wanted to say, “What are we supposed to do again?”  I was right.  They all took off running without getting their first letter.  Jeff was even yelling at them, but they were still in the type of haze that guy named Stoner in your college dorm was always in.  Leave it to Teacher Jan to be confused on the entire letter thing.  Brian was at it again with his clichés.  “Mr. Freeze is in the house.”  No, Mr. Cliché is on the beach.  “Till the fat lady sings, I like to say.”  Is that original?  I never heard that one.  He said he has his loyal soldier, good friend,  and his trump in the hole.  I think he’s forgotten about his Achilles heal, stone in the shoe, thorn in the side, pain in the neck, personal demon, and monkey on his back…THE VIDEO.  His soldier, friend, and trump won’t overcome that!!  Here’s one for Brian:  “I got it…rAOd trip.”  I hope they don’t have a spelling bee.  I have to say congratulations to Ted on winning the Chevy Trail Blazer.  Let’s break down his big victory.  $26,000 vehicle means $13,000 in taxes plus $8,000 to ship to the U.S. plus $2,000 to clean and fix the salt water damage. He just won a $23,000 debt.  And he thought he was unlucky because he had never won a Bingo game.  After getting drunk he said, “I forget where I was…Oh yeah, I miss Ghandia.”  You know, if he makes moves on Ghandia while sober, what did he try to do with Helen while drunk?  Some people just can’t handle their half a glass of wine.  When they were returning from the reward challenge Brian asked “Is that them?”  No Brian, it’s some other big black guy and short white chick walking across the ocean from the other Survivor Series.  One more week, Yes!!!  They didn’t show each person’s vote last night.  I think Clay might have voted for someone else and is out of the loop.  Two guys and two girls make it tough to determine votes.  Brian knows his best chance is against Clazy, but I think the girls team up and get Clazy’s vote against Brian, bump Clay, and they make the finals.  Who knows?

I’m so glad this is done.  I haven’t watched a show so regularly since I watched “The A-Team” in high school, unless you count the Victoria Secret shows.  Well anyway, I’m 150% to 200% glad that this is the last email.  It’s tough making humor where it doesn’t always exist.  Ask my wife.  To start, I have the top three reasons why you know the Survivor finalists voted for Clinton. #3  Jan said, “I didn’t lie to him.  He just never asked.”  #2  When Clay was asked if he betrayed anyone, he said, “I wouldn’t call it betrayed.”  #1  When Brian was asked about lying he said, “I’ve not lied.  I changed my mind a few times.”  Brian was proud of his three immunity victories in a row.  Let’s review who he beat.  A lazy out of work ignorant southern redneck, as Ted would say, a crazy, can’t figure out puzzles, confused by letters, bat burying, wrinkly, old, psycho.  By the way, Jan lying in the cave was not an attractive sight.  She said, “I’m a teacher.  I don’t ever want my students to quit, but if they want to, they can stop over for beer, cigars, and pizza.  My treat.”  When they went into the Belly of the Whale it was 105 degrees.  Why would Clay leave his hat on?   When he was asked about the floats they made, he said, “They all meant something.  We’re all from the U.S.”  What was he talking about?  At that moment I stood up and sang “God Bless America.”  They showed Magilla the Monkey, and he was wiping the tears away.  You know he’s going to miss the free food, the laughs, and especially peeing where they sleep.  I have three favorite moments from the show:  #3 When they were trying to knock each other into the water, Shii Devil’s tribe telling her to move Ted.  #2  The look in Shii Devil’s eyes when Jeff said they hadn’t merged, and #1 best line was Penny telling Erin, Jake, and Ken that the four of them should sleep together tonight.  Congrats to Kristy and Barb on winning the cash.  I have an application for Show Seven.  Put me in a group like this and winning would easier than taking noodles from Sook Jai.