Survivor Satire

Vanuatu

Episode #1

            Jeff Probst standing on top of an erupting volcano, the slaughtering of a pig, and large breasted girls crawling through mud.  Now that’s what I’m talking about!!  This is my kind of show.  I hope you were looking forward to the show last night.  I was, but then my two year old wanted to play and my pregnant wife started whining about back pain.  She’s not due for another week and a half, so I wish she’d leave me alone, and take our son with her.  Five minutes later, with my tail between my legs, I had a bulldozer in one hand, and I was massaging her back with the other hand.  It is amazing what women can accomplish with “The Look.”  Luckily I taped the show. 

            They started with the Vanuatu tribe paddling up to the main boat and picking up three Survivors at a time.  Travis, AKA Bubba, got in his canoe, and it flipped.  They had to bring in the Special Education canoe to transport him.  You know, the short yellow canoe.  Anyway, he admitted to not knowing how to swim until six weeks before going on the show.  Way to put those new life skills to work early.  He also said, “It started raining like pouring pee out of a boot on a flat rock.”  What kind of childhood do you have in order to make comparisons like that?

            They went to a special tribal ceremonial welcome/pig slaughter.  Should I write out “slash”, or do you just know to say it?  The tribe separated the Survivors into a girls section that sat on the ground and a guys section that sat on stone chairs.  Ami said she was not use to being put second behind men.  Either she’s a lesbian or…She’s got to be a lesbian.  Maybe she’s a coffee barista.  What in the hell is that?  At least Dolly is a Shepherdess.  I’ve heard of that.  It is someone who seduces shepherds away from their sheep into adulterous affairs, leaving the poor sheep to run sadly astray.  Speaking of careers, Mia is a bookkeeper.  Isn’t that a shelf?  Or in the case of my college textbooks, a dusty box in the attic?  The name Lea doesn’t match the job of Drill Sergeant.  That’s like Butch-The home gardener or Flimsy-The Male Porn Star.  Twila and Chris both work highway construction, so if there is any competition that resembles turning a stop sign supported by an orange cone, they may have an unfair advantage.  I’m starting to question our national security if an FBI / slash ex-military guy like Brady can’t start a fire. 

            The Yasur (chicks) and Lopevi (guys) tribe had to leave at night and find their living area.  It appeared that they got to their places at the same time, but I doubt it because three of the girls wanted to just hang out and socialize as if it was a bathroom in some bar.  The girls probably didn’t get to their home until the second night, but Dan Rather and CBS manipulated the day counter at the top of the screen.  What gave it away for me was the excessive body hair of the sorority chicks lathering their armpits with sand.

            The girl that read the note had four reading mistakes.  Tribal for tribe, complete for compete, access for assess, and hang for hung.  I went back to my days as a teacher and did a reading inventory on her.  For that many mistakes in that short of a sample, she’s reading on a 5.2 grade level.  That could fluctuate depending on how well she could answer three comprehension questions such as: What is your name?  What is your quest? And what is your favorite color?

            Teacher Chad pulled a shocker on everyone when he pulled off his pants and exposed his prosthetic leg.  Just to prove the foot was fake, he then took off his shoe.  You know there’s someone thinking, “Wow, the foot is fake too!”

Chris was happy with the split of the tribes.  He said, “Men, I can manipulate.”  Well, balance beams, you cannot.  After getting ¾ of the way over and losing out to Scout the Rancher with the artificial knee, he spent the next ten minutes trying to walk across it.  So once again, the guys get beat by a balance beam. 

            At tribal council Brook got voted off the island, and I don’t think he saw it coming, but then he’s from Massachusetts, and nobody from that state sees it coming this year.  No, I’m not talking about Boston Rob.  I’m talking about John “F”ing Kerry.  Besides, Brook is a Document Manager.   That means that he either fills the copier when it’s low, or he picks up the missed shots when people throw paper at a garbage can.

 Episode #2

            Last night when Lisa was climbing the tree I thought, “Oh my God, she’s going to drop the machete on someone’s head.”  Then I thought, “Oh my God, those can’t be real.”   Later Lisa said, “Oh my God.  He laid an egg!”  Then I made the connection between brains and boobs.  It’s an inverse relationship.  When you lack one, you are compensated with the other.  If this doesn’t happen naturally, you pay for the surgery. At this time, nobody is getting any brain transplants.  Well, except in “Young Frankenstein” when Igor goes and gets the brain from a man he claims is named Abby Normal. 

            You know everyone is hungry when the girls are taking machete whacks at a male chicken that lays eggs and they’re eating plantains with maggots.  Twila said they can’t be maggots because they’ve been boiled.  Did they transform?  I suppose if you boil some cow shit, you get a steak.  The guys were eating worms.  If I was hungry enough to eat a worm, I would at least cut off their butt section.  The guys still couldn’t get fire.  None of them thought of climbing the volcano and getting some fresh lava.

            For the reward challenge, Jeff came up with another event that clearly gave an advantage to the chicks.  They had to move past each other on a balance beam.  How in the world are a highway construction worker and people nicknamed Bubba, Sergeant, and Fat Ass supposed to do this?  They should have a challenge where the girls have no chance, like changing a light bulb or setting the VCR.  When they got started it made me sick to see these guys rubbing bodies, hugging, grasping, and whispering in each other’s ears.  John and John got to know each other so well their turtles popped out of their shells.  On the girls balance beam, it was the same, but different.  What I mean is they were moving the same way, but it looked so much more erotic.

            The immunity challenge has to be one of my favorites.  They put blindfolds on everyone and send them out looking for puzzle pieces.  There are more collisions, head butts, and knockdowns than in any other event.  Lea, the sergeant, was calling out for Bubba to make a left, but Bubba didn’t know his left from his right, so he did a complete circle.  Scout screwed her team over by not realizing there were more puzzle pieces in the water.  So the guys got their first victory.  Yea!  One for the chubby uncoordinated team.  I shouldn’t be too hard on them.  After all, they aren’t on steroids and none of them have had chest augmentations.  

            At tribal council Dolly said, “I’m ‘Dolly in the Middle’.  I’m the deciding factor.”  I knew it was over for her as soon as she said it.  Earlier in the show she said, “I’m not eating, I’m not sleeping.  It’s rough.  I’m hungry and tired, but I’m not complaining.  I’m having fun.  It’s great to be here.”  She must vacation in Auschwitz.  She’s gone, which means a person from Western Pennsylvania isn’t going to win.  She denied us the three-peat, and our dynasty is over.

            I have one more comment before I finish this week.  The bats are freaking me out!!  The way they move and the way they look just gives me the willies.  I wonder if some morning, the girls are all going to wake up with knots in their hair.  It would be even better it their heads were knotted to each other.

 Episode #3

            If the word “bitch” wasn’t allowed on TV, last night’s show would have been a silent movie, and everyone would have tried to adjust their volume on their TVs several times.  I wished they had allowed the two candidates to use it.  It would have definitely spiced up the debate.  Can you just hear Kerry?  “Now listen bitch, If I’m the President, I’ll get that bastard Bin Laden.  Bush would say, “I’m not going to be France and Germany’s bitch.”

            Rory, Royry, and Roaree (That’s how people spelled his name.) was out getting and eating oranges while everyone was building the shack.  He’s a real team player.  I’m sure he ate two oranges for everyone he brought back.  He got into a heated discussion with Sarge and said, “I’m a grown ass man!”  If you say those five words several times accenting different words, you can really draw some interesting pictures in your mind. 

            I realized something last night about everyone’s complexion.  It’s perfect!  Where are the hordes of insects and mosquitoes and their relentless assault on everyone’s faces and arms?  Since the producer is trying to sell sex, they installed fly strips, “Bug Be Gone”, and mosquito traps all around the island…out of sight of the cameras of course!  The survivors also secretly brush their perfectly white teeth before interviews.  My friend says I should be on the show for my teeth alone.

            For the reward challenge the teams had to do an obstacle course.  When I saw that a balance beam wasn’t involved, I knew the guys would win, and they did.  However, they had two grappling hooks for hooking and dragging some rings toward themselves.  They only used one, and John P. accidentally let go of the rope.  Not to be outdone in stupidity, they used the other grappling hook to obtain the original hook.  If you don’t follow that, my question is this:  Why waste time getting the first hook?  Go after the last ring.  For the girls, Scout was horrible at throwing the grappling hook.  Scout is a rancher, so you would think that throwing a grappling hook is similar to lassoing cattle.  If it is, her ranch will be filing for bankruptcy any day now.

            The victory also gave the guys a chance to compete for immunity.  John K. won for the guys and was told he had to spend the day with the girls to decide to whom he would give individual immunity.  Just think of the possibilities!  His pants were coming down as he walked over to greet them.  I’m sure all you sickies were thinking that eight desperate girls longing for immunity would take on a whole new meaning, well except for lesbian Twila.  Not me, I would look at the visit as an opportunity to see the game through the eyes of my worthy and equally talented rivals.  Yeah, I know that’s a bunch of crap.  Nobody equals me.  John separated the girls into two groups based on who voted for Dotty.  By doing this, he ascertained their alliances and found out who was safe at council.  He didn’t want any animosity to come back at him later, so he gave immunity to Leann.  Everyone at council was impressed with his intelligence.  He sure is smart.  No!!  He’s stupid for revealing how smart he is.  Letting people know how smart you are is almost as bad as letting people know how dumb you are.  On Survivor, it’s probably worse.

            Mia thought that John K. separating the girls had no purpose.  She’s obviously at the other end of the intelligence spectrum, and so she is walking around at home with her torch.  J. P. got voted off, but he didn’t think he was outsmarted or outplayed.  In his mind, he’s probably still in the game, so he’s at home playing with himself.

 Episode #4

            I don’t know how much these clowns are thinking.  By voting off Brady they have eliminated another strong ally in the battle of the sexes.  Sarge voted off his military comrade.  I thought those two would have some kind of secret “Semper fi, do or die, oo huh” alliance.  Sarge said, “I’d keep him to the end.”  Yeah, if he wasn’t voting for him.  There seems to be a lot of flip flopping going around.  Eliza was mad at Lisa for doing the exact same thing Eliza had done at the last council.  She said she was sorry, so I guess that’s alright.

            For duh reward challenge duh tribes had to make matches in a concentration style game.  At one point Travis found a grapefruit, and Jeff said, “Bubba’s thinking about one thing.”  Yeah, “Where’s the other coconut?”  For winning duh girls got a tribal dude named Duh.  He came complete with a machete and a skirt made out of palm fronds.  It looked like Eliza was trying to check out what was unduh Duh’s leaves.  It wouldn’t do any good because he’s probably gay.  Follow me on this one.  He came to their camp to tidy up their camp, do some interior decorating, and cook a well balanced meal from roots and leaves that you can find around any deserted beach.  His real tribe booted him because the A.C.L.U. wasn’t there to protect his rights.  He also didn’t schmooze with the ladies.  When you’re duh only black guy with seven women, you know at least one of duh ladies are curious about duh rumors.

            For the immunity challenge, they had to do a puzzle.  This spelled doom for the guys because next to balance beams, it’s the worst thing they do.  If there’s ever a challenge involving a puzzle on a balance beam, the girls could go blindfolded and still win.  Rory was in charge of calling out orders for the puzzle because he was supposed to be good at puzzles.  If he’s good at puzzles then I’m good at….This analogy isn’t working because I can’t think of anything I’m not good at.  Alright, I thought of one.  I’m not good at not offending people. 

            This past Sunday my wife had a baby girl.  Of course she’s beautiful!  She came from my gene pool.  The nurses saw me pacing and asked if I was nervous.  I said, “Yes, it’s a close game!”  I have to give credit to my wife for not pushing until after the Steeler game.  She started at 4:00 and Marissa was born at 4:23.  It was a good thing the game didn’t go into overtime. 

 Episode #5

            During last night’s show the earth was shaking and coconuts were falling out of trees.  Why didn’t anyone run for cover?  How did they get instant video coverage of the eruption?  There must be some camera man bucking for a promotion or desperately clinging to his job.  I didn’t see anyone run towards a door jam or get under the kitchen table like the safety film said when I was in sixth grade.  The trees were shaking and it reminded me of the new show “Lost.”  I started thinking either there’s a gigantic polar bear on Vanuatu or the people on “Lost” are experiencing volcanic activity.

            I noticed a couple of things last night that might have gone unnoticed to the untrained eye.  There was a camera guy caught on video filming the one group during the immunity challenge, and Leann’s boobs are pealing.  Being much smaller than the other women in her tribe, she can’t lose any ground to them.  She should have used a deep penetrating cream on those babies.

            There was a tribal switch and each tribe ended up with uneven numbers of women and men.  Lisa was the last person, so she had to decide which tribe.  She acted as if it was a tough decision.  “Hmm, do I go the tribe with the majority of girls or guys?”  Ami didn’t want to share any helpful information with the guys on how to get food.  We then see her cracking coconuts while she’s saying, “There we go.  That’s what I like.”  Try saying that in a low raspy voice and the imagery will come to life.  There’s something up with her, so I’ll have to keep a closer eye on her.  I noticed that Twila is trying to fit in with the girls by wearing a little flower in her hair.  That flower belongs on her as much as it belongs on a trucker.  During the Deep Sea Diving reward challenge, she couldn’t even go down six feet.  That’s only two feet deeper than her height. 

            After winning the reward challenge, they got Pringles and beer.  It was a no-name beer because the producers couldn’t get a sponsor.  I don’t see why not.  I can hear the Budweiser commercial now.  I, LOVE, REALITY TV SHOWS, SAND BETWEEN MY TOES.  A VOLCANO WHEN SHE BLOWS…AND THOSE TWINS.  Julie said, “I’m all buzzed up, I mean not from the beer.”  That’s something you don’t say at a sobriety check point.  There are a few others that I learned first hand, but we won’t get into that right now.

            During the immunity challenge Rory took forever to untie a knot and the paddling was awe inspiring only to a group of people who had never seen a boat or paddle before.   They didn’t get a good push from the beach, they weren’t holding the paddles on the end for maximum leverage, they weren’t doing the official “J Stroke”, and they got way off course from a lack of steering.  It wouldn’t have surprised me if they would have held the wide end of the paddle.  You definitely don’t want this group attacking a beach from the sea.  To their credit, they were right handed and they were using left-handed paddles.

            Travis, AKA Bubba, got voted off because he tried to get some information to his former tribe.  He tried to do it subtly, but he was as obvious as a guilty farter when only two people are on an elevator.  He did have a couple funny lines on the show.  He said, “Build a bridge, and get over it.”  He also said he was, “sweating like a prostitute in church.”  His career is Loss Prevention.  He didn’t do so well at preventing his loss.  I can’t believe the girls voted for him.  He was their only chance at winning anything, well, except for some kind of balance beam challenge.

 Episode #6

            Julie coming out of the ocean in her bathing suit and scuba mask reminded me of Felicity Shagwell in “The Spy Who Shagged Me.”  It also reminded me of Campbell’s Tomato soup.  Mmm Mmm Good!  Since she and Twila are the only girls in Lopevi, she knows that she has to use her sex card.  Going against Twila’s butch build might be a real battle.  When Julie said, “I’d like to tan my ass.”  I thought she was being sarcastic, but the next thing I know, she was tanning her ass.  I’d like to know how she discreetly got off her bottom piece.  That kind of suit would make a great Christmas gift for my wife.  Actually, if the make a male version, I could use it.  I’ve been thinking lately that my ass is too white.

Sarge had one of the best lines of the night when he said, “It’s a blessing to have women around, not that we need them.”  To prove his point, Twila tried to help Chad and Sarge move a heavy log.  She was as helpful as Harry and Lloyd trying to help Einstein with his bagels, I mean his math.  Something I don’t understand is how these tribes have been here for 15 days and they don’t have a shelter.  This place must be paradise.  Another good line was Rory saying, “I just found my tiny little crack.”  Either he is a drug addict, or he had the desire to stick his thumb up his ass.

The reward challenge was for steak and eggs.  Since they had to chase and catch little pigs, I think the more appropriate reward would have been ham and eggs.  There were 20 pigs and each team had to catch their 10.  Some were better than others, but only Eliza was worthless.  She didn’t touch a single pig, yet managed to reposition her bikini eight times.   I don’t know how long the pigs were in the pen, but I can guarantee the two tribes were diving and sliding though some poopy.  What the tribes didn’t know was an old farm trick I learned as a boy.  You just yell, “Sooey!”  The pigs will come running.  As an adult, I’ve found that it also works in nightclubs.  If you want cows to come running you just yell, “Here sook, sook, sook.”  If you don’t believe me, try it.

Ami wanted Lisa to be honest about a statement she had made so Lisa had to put her right hand on the Bible.  Now I understand they don’t have a Bible, but her right hand???  When you don’t put the proper hand on the Bible, you don’t even have to secretly cross your fingers behind your back.  Everyone knows that! 

It seemed completely insane for Yasur to vote off Bubba at the last council, yet Rory got two votes at this council.  After further analysis I realized that this was not a vote about their sex.  Being an election year, it was a vote right down party lines.  Lisa is a real estate agent and Scout is a rancher, so they are both basically small business women.  They each voted for Rory.  The rest are democrats.  Eliza is pre-law.  That one is obvious.  Rory works for section 8 housing.  That’s free government handouts.  Leann is a research assistant, and they always complain about being under funded.  Ami is a barista.  Since I don’t know what that is, I’ll guess that she benefits from some kind of government program.  Eliza blew the pig chase, and Leann couldn’t complete the water challenge, yet they all voted for poor Lisa whose only crime was being a republican.  I can’t believe they brought politics into the show.  Whatever happened to keeping the chick with the hooters?  Now they’ll have to outwit, outplay, and outspin to win.

 Episode #7

            There was a major shocker last night.  No, it wasn’t the guys of Lopevi voting with their penises.  We’ll cover that later.  It was Scout talking about her “partner.”  I don’t mean picking somebody for a three-legged race.  I’m talking about two old flabby female bodies flailing around on the ranch.  Scout is 69 by the way.  I’m tired of words like partner, lady friend, and significant other.  Can’t they just call each other things like carpet munchers or dykes like the good old days?  I think Ami and Twila are both strolling down Lesbos Lane also.  What’s the significance of this you ask?  If I would have pretended to be gay, I could have been on the show.  I knew being straight was holding me back.  I’m switching teams the next time they hold auditions.  Yuck, I don’t even like joking about that.

            For reward, the tribes had to carry coconut juice through an obstacle course.  I noticed when the second person for Lopevi put their juice in the cup it had dramatically increased in volume from after the first person.  Something is definitely fishy there.  I think the producers got the assist for moving the game along, or the film editors screwed up the juice sequence.  In addition, it looked like they spilled more pouring into their glass jars than going through the entire course.  The best part was Leann’s near disaster.  On the way to the finish line with the jug of juice, she tripped and fell.  Luckily for her she didn’t spill anything.  Watching her blow the race was almost as great as watching the Yankees blow a three game lead in the playoffs.  No, not even close.  Yasur won the challenge and got croissants, coffee, juice, and letters from home.  They all cried like babies, even Rory.  Just because he’s on the chick tribe doesn’t mean he has to act like one.  Oh well, when in Rome. 

            The immunity challenge was firing marbles with a sling shot at targets.  Sarge said, “There’s no question who’ll win the challenge.  It’s like a high school team going against the SEC.”  The SEC is the South Eastern Conference in college football for any nerds that don’t follow sports.  During the competition Julie hit the sand in front of her feet, and she bent down to aim at lower targets.  Seeing her dismal performance, she had to have been horrible during their practice section at camp.  To follow along with Sarge’s football analogy, Lopevi benched Chris, their starting quarterback, and put in Julie, their back up cheerleader and let the high school team win.  To maximize their practice they should have had somebody stand behind the target and catch the marbles in order to reuse them.  When I was in Junior High, I used the same kind of slingshot to hit a Frisbee that someone had thrown.  I hit the Frisbee on my first try, a one in thousand shot.  I could have gone home a legend, but I tried to do it again to prove it was no fluke.  25 years later, I still try to duplicate the feat.

 Episode #8

            This might not be long tonight because I am bushed.  I was helping my neighbor move some rosebushes, and I got cuts everywhere.  As far as Survivor is concerned, the first challenge was the Betty Crocker Reward Challenge.  The winners, Lopevi, got chocolate cake, chocolate chip cookies, and milk.  Sarge got sick from eating so much.  This reminded me of the time my younger brother ate an entire bar of ex-lax thinking it was chocolate.  He continued to deny it despite having the shits for two days. 

            After every commercial it seems like they show either an erupting volcano or a bushmaster snake.  These two threats must keep Vanuatu from being a tourist area because otherwise this place is beautiful.  Speaking of beautiful, Julie says that they guys can keep her around strictly for visual stimulation.  Julie, Twila, and Sarge were bearing their butts to get a tan.  Chris and Chad came through the bushes just in time to see some bush.  I’m starting to think that sex sells.  I need to speak with some advertisers and run that idea past them.  Anyway, they have been bringing bushels of plantains to camp, so there is plenty of food for everyone.  They just aren’t suffering enough.  I want to see pain and misery.

             For the second challenge the tribes merged and individual immunity has begun.  This didn’t work out well for Chris, who lost to a girl.  The significance was not that it’s just any girl, (well, kinda) but it was Eliza.  This is the girl who can’t boil water, and is excited about helping to paint “the best flag ever!!”  She also couldn’t fill her bucket in the challenge very well.  To her credit, she fills a bikini much better.  Speaking of bikinis, I noticed that despite wearing one, Ami must have been really cold on the beach.  The tribes were glad to merge, especially Scout who said, “I missed Twila deep down in places….”  I can’t even finish this or the F.C.C. will fine me. 

            At council Jeff asked Ami what skills got her this far.  She came up with four, which was rather impressive.  She said, “Attitude, I have a good attitude, when things get tough, my attitude keeps me going, so I think my attitude.”  Excellent answer!  I’m convinced that a barista is someone who hates men because I don’t know what one is, but I know she’s a barista and she hates men.  Do you see how I connected all of that?  Rory’s famous last words for this episode include, “I know I’ve been given a second chance.” And, “I’m the cat who swallowed the canary.”  He’s also the boy who bit the bullet.  He was probably happy to go.  After spending several days alone with Eliza, Ami, Leann, and Scout, I’m surprised he didn’t hang himself.

            Once Rory got voted out, Chad had a look of being ambushed because the Lopevi girls went against his alliance and voted with the other girls.  He has now learned that you can trust someone in this game as much as you can trust a priest with and eight-year-old boy.  The men may feel bushwhacked, but it’s their own fault.  They needed to have numbers at the merge and they blew it.  Oh well, what can you do?  Win immunity I guess. 

            By the way, who won the presidential election?  I was adjusting the bushings on my lawnmower, and I missed it.  Just kidding.  I don’t want to rub it in too much, but If I were some of you, I would try to get back the portion of your union dues that goes toward political action.  One last thing…I wonder what I’ll do with my tax cuts this year.

 Episode #9

            It has come to my attention that some of the things I write each week offend some of you.  These people are telling me what things I should write or not write about.  To start, my wife doesn’t want me to make fun of her.  I need her to wash my clothes and make my dinner, so I don’t have a problem honoring her request.  There are also some democrats that don’t want me writing about politics.  They claim that the show doesn’t involve politics, so why should the summary?  That’s a good point, so I’ll honor that request, and besides, the election is over and Bush won!  I also have gay people telling me that I am insensitive, ignorant, hurtful, homophobic, and derogatory.  I don’t want to be all those things, so I’ll honor their request.

            While writing this I realized that there are many other people and groups of people that I have probably offended, so I read the entire Vanuatu summary to find everyone that I may have potentially offended.  I would like to name and apologize to all these people.  They include animal rights groups, women with small breasts, women with large breasts, pregnant women, women in general, special education, special needs people, lesbians, coffee baristas, sheep herders, book keepers, home gardeners, porn stars, men with traditional feminine names, construction workers, national security, F.B.I., Dan Rather, the mainstream media, sororities, people with reading problems, people with prosthetics, guys who think they have good balance, people from Massachusetts, John Kerry, document managers, vegetarians, overweight people, homosexual men, non-conservative Australians, people who live on Government programs, research assistants, lawyers, democrats, real estate agents, atheists, crack addicts, Jewish people, National Organization for Women, married people, loss prevention profession, prostitutes, people with gas problems, people arrested for DUI, short people, people with low raspy voices, people who have children that aren’t beautiful, men who are good at puzzles, black people with small penises, interior decorators, A.C.L.U., tribal members of Vanuatu, clowns, dumb people, smart people, ranchers, men, bitches, people who feel politics are private matters, holocaust survivors, women with breast implants, people using steroids, people who lack coordination, dyslexic people, men who aren’t sexists, older people, producers and film editors of the show, Yankee fans, emotional people, nerdy people, liberals, and cheerleaders.  I apologize to all of you from the bottom of my insensitive heart.  If I have offended anyone for forgetting to include you in this list, I’m sorry. 

            Now it’s time to discuss why people get offended.  I get teased about all kinds of things from my friends, family, colleagues, and teammates from different sports I play.  Why don’t I get offended when someone teases me about going bald?  I figure that I can beat that person in 7 out of 10 sports.  When I miss a lay-up in basketball, I get abused.  Why am I not offended?  When I make a tough shot, I say things like, “2…maybe 3 people in the world could have made that shot.”  So I figure I deserve the abuse.  My point is this:  I HAVE SELF-ESTEEM AND CONFIDENCE!  These two attributes have a way of thickening your skin and making you more resilient to joking and criticism.   I should now add, “people who lack self-esteem and confidence” to the list above.  To all of you, I’m also sorry. 

            While I was teaching, I had more fun writing these because we would discuss the topics over lunch, and I just loved stirring the pot.  Now that I don’t see many of you, I’ve lost much of my motivation.  I will continue to write until this show is over, but of course, I’ll write in a more sensitive and politically correct style.

            Tonight’s show was interesting.  People originally picked for the show with no regard to race, color, religious creed, sex, ancestry, national origin, physical handicap, disability, or use of a guide dog because of blindness competed in various challenges.   The first challenge for reward involved a question/answer format.  Eliza showed some hostility as she watched Scout and Twila knock her out of the game.  There was also some bickering between Scout and Eliza about their levels of intelligence.  This was unfair to people who excel in other areas of intelligence because recall of factual knowledge is only one type of intelligence.  Eliza, Leann, and Julie might think that sticking magma in their mouths is a cultural event and not dangerous, but they might excel in other areas of intelligence such as music, athletics, interpersonal and intrapersonal skills, art, mathematics, and literary skills.  Leann won the challenge and took Julie on a helicopter ride and picnic.  There was a lot of kissing, dancing, and groping, but I won’t go into that because they are consenting adults, and it’s none of my business.  They came back with chicken wings that they gave the other girls, but then pretended to have only bones for everyone, or at least as far as the guys knew.

            Amy won individual immunity because she possesses a greater strength in the area of intelligence of figuring out puzzles.  The three men were eliminated immediately which means their intelligence lies in other areas.  For example, I think Sarge plays the bassoon.   While discussing voting strategies, the three men went for a ride out into the water.  Chad was dangling his prosthetic leg into the water, but I don’t want to go into that.

            After much discussion at tribal council, the tribe voted out Sarge.  He gave it his best effort, so congratulations Sarge and Happy Veterans Day.  If anyone is anti-military or anti-war, then screw Sarge.  Oh wait, I don’t want to offend Sarge or Veterans.  Don’t screw him, screw me.

 Episode #10

I can finally say that there is one person I can’t stand.  Ami, the barista/model.  Whenever you’re a loser, you list your occupation and your desired occupation.  When I was a substitute teacher, I didn’t introduce myself as a substitute teacher/teacher.  When I worked in the cafeteria during college I didn’t say I was a dish room worker/pots and pans scrubber.  Well actually I did because I thought it would be a good pick up line to show my versatility in the cafeteria.  I don’t think she has dreams of being a barista, so she must want to be a model.  I hope the boob job pays off.  I do some modeling too.  Every time I need to verify a tie-shirt-pants combo, I model them and my wife either smiles or points towards the closet.  I modeled in college because I was student teaching, and I would wake up my roommate Jim from his drunken stupor and ask for his opinion.  He would give me his opinion by either grunting or burping.  A burp meant yes.  After we graduated I found out he was colorblind.

Speaking of drunken stupors, Chad, Chris, Eliza, and Ami won a reward challenge, and they got to fly to another island for a cultural party, feast, and celebration with a native tribe.  Chad had one drink of Kava, got drunk, and passed out before the native strippers arrived.   He was voted off at tribal council later mainly because he couldn’t hold his Kava.  At the feast they had to drink muddy-tasting water, eat uncooked meat, and it rained on them.  Ami said it was the best reward she could have possibly gotten.  I think this is the opposite of the Fox and the Sour Grapes.  Instead of not being able to reach the grapes and saying they probably sucked anyway…She got a crappy reward and tried to claim how wonderful it was.  She said the highlight was children singing.  The reward was so bad that finding a piece of chewed gum would have been a highlight.  After last Monday’s Eagles ass whooping over the Cowboys, that’s like the Cowboy’s fans saying the highlight of the evening was the pre-game promo for Desperate Housewives.  I’m sure it was.  Even the plane ride was bad.  They had to bring the pig, and it peed on the plane.  To elaborate:  A pig perceived precious, provided by Jeff, yet obviously precocious, proceeded to piss prominently on the plane putting the passengers in a paltry predicament.  That’s easy for me to write.  Jeff said it would be a “once in a lifetime experience.”  So is getting your genitals removed.   I only mention this because I watched C.S.I. after Survivor, and it was about cross gender operations.  It was so confusing, my ovaries started hurting.

Back to Ami.  She wears a hat with a big “O” and we all know what that means.  She bought something online at “overstock.com.”  I did too, but I didn’t get the hat.  She is so arrogant in her confidence regarding her alliances and her control over everyone.  She needs to be blindsided like a skunk that thinks it’s fast enough to make it across the road in time.

With six women and one guy, Chris has to be feeling like a coach for a chick’s volleyball team.  I think he’ll survive a little longer despite Ami’s hatred of men.  This might be interesting how this all plays out.  We will see.

 Episode #11

            I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving.  My brother and his family came from Michigan.  We got drunk, so I didn’t write many notes during the show, and the ones I did write are blurry.  At the time they looked pretty good.  This happened to me one other time.  I went to a Fourth of July picnic before I went to work at a restaurant.  I would write down food orders, but by the time I got back to the kitchen, I couldn’t read my writing.  I tried having other servers read it to no avail.  I couldn’t even remember what the customers had told me.  The only positive part of that night was my uncommonly high tips.  After that, I went to work every night drunk.  Relax, it was the only time I ever had a drink before work, however; when I look back at it, I’m not sure I was even in the right restaurant.  Back to the summary.

            The reward challenge was the silly, sappy, heartfelt, teary, sentimental, family get together.  Eliza won it.  This usually comes back at the people because the others are jealous petty losers.  They made everyone think their loved ones were being contacted by satellite and would email messages back and forth.  Twila didn’t know how to type so she started crying.  They only got a minute, so it would have taken her that long to type, “Hi.”  To help her and everyone else they hooked up a video monitor so they could just talk.  It still took her a minute to say, “Hi.”  To everyone’s surprise, they were actually behind the room in a secret hidden room, much like the Wizard’s in the Wizard of Oz.  Those flying monkeys still scare me.  Anyway, it freaked me out when all the loved ones came out of their secret room, or maybe it was the 6^th shot of Johnny Walker Blue that was freaking me out.

Everyone had someone special.  Eliza had her mom, Twila had her son, Chris had his woman, Julie had her man of whom she could do much better, and Scout and Ami both had their lesbian lovers.  Despite my dislike for Ami, I could watch her and her lover, but Scout and Annie.  Yuck and double yuck.  The thing that bothers me is the quality of the people they bring to the island.  I would want someone who is athletic and could eat anything, like a contestant on “Fear Factor.” 

Episode #12 

            Get out of here you no good for nothing, arrogant, control freak.  That’s what a girl friend once told me, but it also applies to Ami, the Barista/Model, as she said her final farewells last night.  I think the last time I was this happy to see someone leave was when they got rid of that loser Johnny Fairplay. 

            For the reward challenge, they had to do a water obstacle course.  Scout said she would like a water challenge without everything added to it.  In other words she thinks she can win a wading contest.  I doubt it.  Although, she did claim that with her body from six years earlier could whip anybody’s ass there.  Let’s see, that would make her 63.  She’s probably right.  Six years earlier she probably had Ami’s hooters, Eliza’s abs, Julie’s cuteness, and Twila’s toughness.  Her body must have really gone downhill over the last six years.  One of the glaring differences is her lack of eyelashes. Where did they go and why does she always have eyeliner on for her interviews?  On the other hand, instead of six years earlier, maybe she meant 60 years.   Eliza won the challenge so she got a car, and Ami came in second place and Chris came in third so the three of them went to a resort for the night.  Chris barely beat out Julie.  When they were in the water, he asked her if she really wanted to win.  She said yes, so you think he would say, “You can have it Julie.”  No, he said, “Me too!”  And it was a race to the finish.  Now think about this:  1. He almost came in fourth place against five chicks.  2. He beat out an old woman only six years past her prime.  And 3.  He’s disgracing manhood.    At least he jokes about it, so he’s still OK in my book.  Now that Chris is down to four women, he feels like a coach for…hmm…oh yeah, a chick’s in-line hockey team. 

            At the actual resort, the reward was showers, food, and a sleepover.  Ami and Eliza used all the hot water and made Chris sleep on the couch.  How is that fair?  If Eliza is going to sleep in the bed with someone, I wonder if she would be safer with Chris or Ami.  A Vanuatu band, which sounded like The Grateful Dead, serenaded them.  At some point during the show Eliza told Ami, “I’m sorry if I voted for you.”  Does this make sense?  Wouldn’t she know?  After all the tears and lovey dovey words exchanged at council, she still voted for Ami.  Hooray for Eliza!

 Episode #13

            The show started last night with Julie coming back from a wet T-Shirt contest, and so they had to blur her mountains of maternal love.  My Fraternity had a wet T-shirt contest once at one of our Beach Parties.  I say once because the police made it clear that we wouldn’t be having one again.  I don’t remember the police being there, but I do remember standing on the bar and yelling, “SKIN TO WIN!!”  I don’t know if it was the ten tons of sand, the 32 kegs of beer, the goldfish eating, or drinking beer out of an old shoe, but that was a party I’ll never forget. 

            Twila went off on Eliza for bringing up Twila’s swearing on her son’s life.  She was just trying to get ahead in the game.  Can you blame her?  I had a Fraternity brother that would tell chicks he was dying in hopes of getting sympathy sex.  He was just trying to get ahead in the game.  Can you blame him?

            Chris said, “They’re all women, and I can’t trust any of them.”  I think this is an unfair characterization of women.  Through my life experiences, I’ve found that women on the contrary are quite honest.  For example, they never mince words when it comes to your deficiencies.  In fact, the only time women lie are when they want something they can’t through honesty.  Other times they lie might include when they’ve broken something they don’t want you to know about, or how much money they’ve spent on salon treatments, or how the dents in the car got there, their age, true hair color, how many trips they’ve made to a plastic surgeon, or who farted.  The last few statements in no way refer, resemble, and show likeness or similarity to my beautiful and quite honest wife.  Any similarity to her is completely coincidental. 

            For the reward challenge, there was a “Best of Vanuatu Challenges” challenge.  Chris lost again by not being able to put a puzzle together, and Julie won.  Luckily, for Chris, she took him on the reward, and they got to see a volcano up close.  They got to eat hot dogs by cooking them from a steam vent on the volcano.  Julie said she took Chris because the other girls wouldn’t have taken her.  Liar, Liar, volcanoes on fire.  She took Chris because she wanted to use her Female Augmentation Redeployment Tactics, also known as F.A.R.T. to get Chris to move in another direction from his current thinking.

            The immunity challenge was about remembering facts from a story and putting puzzles together.  Eliza won.  I’m impressed with the accommodations on this island because Eliza went to council wearing her immunity necklace and a stylish hairdo to match.  Maybe she just looked better because she didn’t have the stress of getting votes for the first time.  Seeing Julie get voted off for island was the saddest moment since Elisabeth got voted off of Australia.  After Scout wrote Julie’s name she said that a wise woman once told her about rediscovering her roots and Julie should do the same.  I would have answered with a quote from Coming to America when Mr. McDowell told the prince, “I’m only going to tell you this one time son.  Stay off the drugs.”

            We’re down to the final four, and against all odds, a highway construction worker and highway repair chick are still alive.  I told you they could communicate secretly.  They probably stand at opposite sides of the campfire pretending to put more logs on the fire while they slowly turn vertical sticks, secretly communicating top-secret plans.

 Episode #14

            What an exciting night!  Bettis throws a touchdown and the Steelers won the AFC North.  Due to the convergence of football, the Survivor Finale, and Desperate Housewives, it was stressful trying to manage all my TV time with the façade of being a caring father and loving husband.

            The show started with an immunity challenge where they had to navigate through giant-sized scaffolding.  Chris’ construction experience must have come in handy because he actually won.  Come to think of it, he builds horizontal highways and the scaffolding is vertical, so he probably won because of lack of competition. 

            At council, it was obvious who was going home.  Chris was safe, Scout is an old lesbian, Twila is hated for never holding her tongue, and Eliza is young, attractive, and good at puzzles.  Hmmm, tough decision!  I felt bad for Eliza, not because she got voted off the island, but because of her third eye in the middle of her forehead.  I couldn’t stop looking at it.  I found myself wondering if her three eyes formed and isosceles, equilateral, or Bermuda triangle.  When she got her final vote, she gave Chris a look that could kill.  I’m surprised it didn’t kill because she had the power of a third eye.  Mathematically her “Look” is 50% more powerful than everyone else’s. 

            Going into the final immunity challenge, Chris had to be thinking and praying, “No balance beams, no balance beams.”  The challenge unfortunately required balance, but luckily, for Chris he had enough strength to hold a bow and arrow longer than the two chicks.  Once Scout quickly fell out of the competition, Chris tried to get Twila to stop.  She said, “I might ram this up my ass, but I sure as Hell will never step off.”  She lost about a minute and a half later.  At that point, her ass started puckering up.

            At council, Chris had to decide who he would face for the final two.  One might think he would choose Scout because she was physically and mentally useless for the entire 39 days, but he didn’t.  He realized there was one night left, the moon was full, and a tranquil breeze was wafting through the camp as the embers glowed in a fire that occasionally spit sparks into a starry backdrop.  Chris was thinking one thing:  It’s time to get it on.  Do you really think he would have chosen the flabby old lesbian for this glorious night?  If he would have thought ahead, he could have been there with Eliza.

            The next part of the show was the obligatory sentimental crap.  You know, saying goodbye to each of the other Survivors as if they were saying goodbye to fallen comrades in the field of battle.  They didn’t even recognize the first couple of people voted off the island.  I recognized Dolly.  She’s the hottest sheepherder I’ve ever seen.  I wonder if all sheepherders are pretty blonds with nice bodies.  If you’re a single male, that’s a market that needs tapped.

            At the final council, before the jury, Chris and Twila each had a chance to plead their case and beg for mercy.  Chris said, “You know,” eight times, and Twila said, “If you don’t vote for me, you can kiss my ass.”  These two sounded like they were a couple of hillbillies fighting for the last seat on the Redneck River Fish Commission.  Ami came to council dressed in a black cocktail dress; or should I say vagina-tail dress?  I wouldn’t want to offend her.  She has so much hatred for men, and it was evident in all of her facial expressions.

            After everyone voted, Jeff cut a path from the nighttime side of the island to the daytime side of the island where a plane was waiting for him.  After parachuting down with the votes, he took them by motorcycle to CBS for the reunion show.  In a 5-2 vote, Chris became the Sole Survivor and winner of a million dollars.  This didn’t surprise me based on the jury of five women and two men.  The competition is over and they are still lying about the reasons they voted for Chris or Twila.  Eliza, Leann, and Julie said, “Blah, blah, blah,” but they just couldn’t overcome their internal wiring for animosity and jealousy of other women.  Ami and Scout, well, we all know there is no way in Hell, a lesbian is going to vote for a man.  This would result in losing their membership to the National Organization for Women, and of course many disapproving looks from their partners.  Sarge and Chad said, “Yarn, yarn, yarn,” but voted for Chris because men generally stick together for no other reason than sharing a common spine and maybe having someone with whom to talk sports.

            So this ends another season.  They’ll be in some new exciting place and once again without me.  Some people say the shows aren’t as exciting as they once were.  That’s all the more reason they need me.  Oh well, what can I do?  I hope I brought enough humor to your mornings to get you to lunch.  Have a Merry Christmas, and if you’re Jewish, have a Merry Hanukkah, and if you’re anything else, convert.