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There is a simple fact that has been true through the ages. The best parents are the ones that don't have any children. People without children claim that they would never give their two-year old a candy bar. People with two-year olds would give them a Snickers through an I-V drip, if it meant they would stop crying at the check-out counter. The following is my list of parenting tips that definitely work. I should have used them.
- Buy lots of batteries. If the toy requires batteries, and they're dead, you might as well be holding a piece of poop.
- Send your kids to summer camp as soon as they can handle it, or not handle it. It doesn't really matter. We sent our son to camp when he was six months old. We had to overnight the breast milk to him. I think he's OK.
- If you can get over a little mess, a box of tissues is cheap entertainment for a one-year old, and it allows you enough time to set your fantasy football team for the week.
- Once you pull the the diaper chain out of a Diaper Genie, you can use it as a big necklace or a jump rope.
- Don't take your three year old into the shower at the gym because they say things like, "I see your pee pee Daddy." "Are you peeing?" and "Can I pee in the shower too?"
- My son hates mashed potatoes. When I'm going out and my son starts crying because he wants to go with me, I tell him I'm going to a Mashed Potato Party. Some day when he's older, he may consider all the Mashed Potato Parties I went to and think that I have some kind of potato fetish.
- Always be one lie ahead of your kids. If they say they didn't break the dish, tell them you're going to take finger prints. If they say they didn't write on the wall, tell them you're going to do a handwriting analysis. If they say they didn't drink the Southern Comfort, tell them you know. You had finished it off the night before with the old lady.
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